[Titanic] I can't help myself

It seemed that Rose's voice was still echoing in the somewhat depressingly quiet room, and the happy smile on the mother's face froze. Rose stood there, her chest heaving violently, her cheeks flushed with blood from the roar just now.She stares at her mother fearlessly, but I know her current fearlessness will only last until dinner.

After a while, the mother said, "Henry, you must be tired after talking for so long. Go back and have a rest." Then she stood up and asked Sarah, who was guarding the door, to call George over.

I know that my mother must have a good "heart-to-heart talk" with Rose again, and the reason for me to avoid it is to protect Rose's face, and in this kind of matter, without me, the so-called "mother's good boy", by my side, Rose's reaction would not be too violent.

George helped me slowly down the long corridor leading to the ladies' and gentlemen's quarters, and halfway I stopped to rest, and through the huge windows framed between ornate rococo columns, I could see Hidden among the densely packed withered branches of the church, a slender and huge cross sticks out high. A black crow stopped on the cross to comb its feathers, and then called out twice, He flapped his wings and slid into the woods.

I stared blankly at the cross that seemed to be able to pierce into the sky, and the beautiful sound of the church piano suddenly echoed in my ears.

"George, help me change my clothes, I'm going to church for a while."

George froze for a moment, "Okay, master, I'll find someone to arrange a carriage later."

The door of the church is open as always.I let go of George's hand and signaled him to let me go by myself. Then, leaning on crutches, I walked slowly to the chair in the front row and sat down.Straight ahead, a white marble statue of the Crucifixion stood in front of a large colorful glazed window, and the bronze crown of thorns on Jesus' head was polished to reflect the sunlight clearly.

I folded my hands on my knees, closed my eyes reverently, lowered my head, let out a long sigh of relief, and silently recited the name of Jehovah, begging the illusory God to take away all the jealousy, anger, and anger that I shouldn’t have. Sadness gives me enough courage and open-mindedness to face reality.

George stood beside me quietly, and when I looked up after praying, he asked, "Master, do you need me to find a priest for you?"

Just as I was about to refuse, I remembered that Father Simon who sang very well. After a moment of hesitation, I nodded, "I'll go with you."

It didn't take us long to find Father Simon in the small library behind the church hall.This small library originally collected books and precious documents about religion and was only used by clergy until the tenth Duke of Prestbury expanded it a hundred years ago and bought most non-religious books into it. Among them, the small library was turned into a public library where people in the whole town could enter and borrow books.

"Good afternoon, Lord Earl Richardmond." Father Simon nodded slightly and saluted, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

I smiled, "Good afternoon, Father Simon, I think I may need to confess."

Since Protestantism has gradually replaced Catholicism and become the mainstream religion in Britain, the confessional has been rarely visited by people, and it has gradually become a historical relic of the church.Although these red-painted wooden small rooms are cleaned every day, I still did not choose to go there, but followed Father Simon to a smaller chapel.George was so considerate that he waited outside the door without waiting for my order.

We stood in front of the altar covered with a red tablecloth embroidered with a golden cross in front of the chapel. Priest Simon led me to pray, and then we sat down facing each other.

Before I came, my chaotic emotions were congested in my throat, as if I would pour them out after a little relaxation.But when I sat down, I found that the gate that blocked them seemed to be stuck, so I didn't know how to speak.

The afternoon in late autumn is always so short. The bright blocks drawn by the meager sunlight on the wooden floor of the chapel are gradually elongated, tilted, and slowly become a long and thin slit, and finally disappear without a trace. The remaining dark red sunset left a hazy and light orange on the wall.

I looked up and met Father Simon's blue eyes.Without warning, tears fell from his eyes.

"They are getting married." I choked up, my trachea seemed to be convulsed, and I could barely breathe, "Oh my god... my god... they are actually going to get married... God..."

"It's too cruel... to give him to someone else with my own hands... it's actually my relative... why is it her... what did I do wrong..." I buried my face deeply in my hands, my lungs convulsed Gasping for breath, the intense expansion and contraction made it impossible for me to speak a complete sentence smoothly.

Father Simon sat down beside me and put his arms around me, and I rested my forehead on his shoulder.This support makes me seem to have found a fulcrum.I burst into tears.

The last rays of the setting sun were swallowed by the skyline, and the chapel darkened.George walked in quietly, lit the candlestick in the corner, and then quietly retreated.Simon patted my back lightly with a slow rhythm, as if coaxing a child.

Realizing this, I was suddenly embarrassed when I calmed down, and sat up quickly.Father Simon handed over a wet towel which George had brought in when he first came in to light the candles.I smiled shyly, took it over and wiped my face clean.

Suddenly, the words I said when I lost control of my emotions suddenly flashed in my mind.God, I just want to strangle myself just now!I actually leaked a secret that was almost a scandal so easily!My heart twitched violently, and the hand holding the towel froze on my face, not daring to move.Now I just hope my voice was muffled enough, and this blue-eyed priest is a man who can keep other people's secrets,

"I have an elder brother Heaton who is seven years older than me." Father Simon said suddenly, his speech was very slow, with a deep nostalgia, "My father is very busy, and my mother is not in good health, so I am a My brother brought it up. We have a great relationship."

I pressed the soaked cold towel to my eyes and listened to him quietly.

"He is very intelligent, versatile, full of style, possessing many noble qualities. In his time, he was admitted to the Divinity School of the University of Edinburgh. He is the pride of our family. For me, Heaton is like a father. , Even surpassing my father. He has been my idol since I was a child. This is until I was 13 years old.

"We suddenly received a letter from the school, saying that Heaton had committed a mistake without forgiveness and was expelled from school. It's hard to imagine, how could such a kind, gentle and self-disciplined person like Heaton He would make such a mistake that the school expelled him. Our whole family rushed to Edinburgh, and the teacher who received us told us unceremoniously that there was an intolerable dispute between Heaton and another male student in the seminary. and was found to have had a physical relationship. After being found out by the school, he still did not want to repent. The other party has already dropped out of school and was taken back by his family.

"The evidence for this matter is solid. My parents can only bring Heaton home. He is our relative anyway, and our parents can't ignore him. After that, the news that Heaton is gay spread throughout the small town where we live. Every day The children threw all kinds of rubbish in the yard of our house. They ignored me, but gathered together from a distance, making up various nursery rhymes to mock and insult me. At that time, I really hated Heaton, hated He brought us such humiliation, and hated him even more. Even so, he still hasn't forgotten the boy who made him drop out of college. He has been secretly in touch with that boy.

"Heaton couldn't stay in the town at all, so he had to leave. Fortunately, the Count of Calabria, who governs our town, helped write a letter of recommendation, introducing him to Earl Ebert's Tottenham Manor as a servant .Then two years passed like this. During these two years, we never visited him, nor wrote a letter to him. The letters from him would be thrown directly into the stove by my father without even looking at them. ...we took him as a blemish and tried to distance ourselves from him. Then when I was 15 a letter came from Tottenham saying Heaton had hanged himself in a room with a rope. "

I put down the towel on my face and looked sideways at Father Simon's profile.He lowered his eyes and looked at the ground. The light was dim, and I couldn't see his shadowed face clearly, but I could hear his voice becoming a little choked up.

"While gathering his belongings we found a thick, locked diary, and a stack of letters from the boy Heaton dated at college. We read them in chronological order. Those letters, in the last few, the boy told him he was engaged and told him not to go on with it.

"We also read Heaton's diary. It started off as sad but positive, and gradually became depressed and depressing. We knew at that time that although Tottenham is not far from the town where we live However, there are still rumors that the servants of the manor squeezed him out and bullied him. He has nowhere to tell, he can only bear it alone, and the letters of mutual encouragement and love that he exchanged with that boy are what he supports himself to face. The only strength and belief in the future. When the boy was about to get married, the pillars supporting his world collapsed. In the confusion, panic, depression, self-blame and guilt, Heaton himself also collapsed.

"He wrote us a suicide note saying he was sorry for causing us so much hurt and shame, that he felt he had been abandoned by God, that life had no meaning and that leaving this world was the only option. He also said, He finally did one thing right, which is to save us from having to bear the humiliation of others because of him."