[Titanic] I can't help myself

Carl picked me up as quickly as a chick before James, threw me on the bed, and wrapped me in a quilt.James stared at him with puffy eyes as he finished all this, then snorted angrily, turned around and strode out of the room, asking someone to fetch a change of clothes for me.

Came in high spirits, came back disappointed, we left here at midnight, and Carl was determined not to let me stay here for even 1 minute.And James actually let go of his two boys, and he just followed us and left.His car was still in London, and it was obvious he couldn't find a taxi at this late hour, so despite the fight he had just had with Carl, he squeezed into Carl's car without a trace of unnaturalness, and pulled me into the car. In the back, preventing me from having a word with Carl.

Instead of going back to the mansion in Bath, we went straight to London and found a hotel to stay.It was three o'clock in the morning when I was lying on the bed tiredly.I've been through so much this night that I almost fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

It was a very bad night's sleep.I don't know if it's because the main color of the dark red in the hotel room is too close to the room in the brothel, or because of the sweet scent in the air from a large bunch of lilies placed on the dresser at the end of the bed , or because the effect of the medicine in my body has not yet passed, or because I was unwilling, lying on this soft mattress like a ball of cotton, I wandered in a chaotic and ambiguous dream for more than ten years. For hours, the faces of Tony and Carl appeared in front of my eyes alternately. I felt a kiss and a strong hug and caress from a man. At the end, I even met the man in the dream The inexplicable man started what Tony hadn't finished in time, and I could even clearly feel the foreign body feeling in the back that was so strong that it was almost real.

So when I woke up at noon, I just felt more tired.My whole body was sore, my eyes were swollen, and the top of my head was in sudden pain. The place where I was beaten yesterday has now spread to half of my face, and I have a dull pain. I also scrapped another pair of underwear.And when Carl and James learned from the servant who came in to help me dress that I needed to buy a pair of underwear, their thoughtful and gloating expressions made my mood worse.

I spent the afternoon trying to de-puff my eyes, drink three pots of coffee to pick myself up, and spend over an hour trying to cover up the bruise with ladies' makeup powder, but it didn't do much.Finally, before supper, I drove back to Acton House in Carl's car.

After changing into my evening gown, I walked into the small living room with the awareness that I must die. Sure enough, when my mother saw me, she immediately let out an exclamation.

"God! Henry, you are, this is..." She stood up in horror and walked quickly in front of me, held my face in her hands, and gently brushed the bruise on her cheekbone with her fingers, "Oh my God , Who attacked you? Did you meet a gangster? Where else were you injured? Ah, I asked Felton to call the doctor..."

"It's okay, Mom, it's just a little bruise here." I prevented her from ringing the bell to summon Felton, "It's really just a little injury, there's no need to make such a big fuss."

"Small injury?" The mother almost screamed, "Half the face is swollen or is it a small injury? How did this happen to you? God, I will never allow you to go out alone with James again, he He is simply a dangerous person!"

"It's not James' fault, Mom..."

At this moment, Carl, who came in behind me, said, "Ruth, you did blame the Earl of Cornwall by mistake. This time it was just an accident. Unfortunately, we met a lunatic."

Only then did the mother turn her attention to Karl, and sure enough, seeing Karl's more seriously injured face, the mother gasped and looked like she was about to faint.

"Oh my god, you, you... what's going on here?" My mother clutched her chest, as if she couldn't breathe, and I quickly helped her to sit on the sofa.

"I think you must know Lord Alfred Douglas, son of the Marquis of Queensbury."

"Of course, the misbehaving and scandalous outlier, of course I know him. Since he got married, he has litigated everywhere like a lunatic and caused trouble." The mother replied, and then her eyes widened, "Yes He hit it? Why did he do it?"

I tried my best to look expressionless, but I couldn't help but glanced at Carl, surprised that he put everything on Douglas so straightforwardly and frankly, but what surprised me even more was that he was in front of me. Without knowing it, a confession has been made with James.

"In fact, the reason is very simple. Last night at the club, the Earl of Cornwall took Henry to play cards with some new gentlemen. The Earl of Cornwall is a good player of cards, and last night Lady Luck seemed to sit on his lap He won fifteen games in a row. You know that the time and entertainment of decent gentlemen is always poorly monotonous, so some people with weaker minds may be more sensitive to losing cards, and Alfred Lord De is just the kind of person who, uh, loses control of his emotions easily, and everyone drank some whiskey, so he..."

Carl paused just right, "Henry was just accidentally injured by a punch, and it's not a big deal, but when I was trying to stop this irrational behavior, I was..." He spread his hands, raised his eyebrows, Made a playful gesture, "But that person didn't take advantage of me."

"It's a disgrace that Douglas would do such a rogue!" My mother said angrily, grabbing my hand, "They should put him in jail instead of letting this madman go around hurting people!"

"I think he got what he deserved." Carl smiled.

Mother held my head again, carefully observed the injured half of my face, and finally printed two kisses, one left and one right, "Oh, my sweetheart, do you still hurt now?"

"It doesn't hurt, Mom." I kissed her cheek too, "Just don't touch it."

I don't know if my mother believed Carl's explanation, but when James came to ask me to go out later, my mother could always find an excuse to keep me just right.

So it seemed on the surface that this was over, and our life in Bath was peaceful again, but in my heart, this incident dug a trench, and it dug deeper and deeper as time went on. , digging longer and longer.

First of all, the fact that I like men is so straightforward that it cannot be concealed by any interface, and it was revealed to Karl. Although he didn't say a word about it afterwards, it still made me feel extremely embarrassed.And more importantly, I think, when anyone is prostituted, if the person he likes sees himself naked, nude, naked, trapped in the ugliness of lust, he will probably be I can no longer continue to face each other calmly without any grievances.

I can't help but keep thinking about the situation at that time in my brain, thinking about how confused I was, and how much Karl saw when he rushed in.I kept speculating on what kind of views and thoughts popped up in his mind when he saw me lying under the body of a male prostitute. What kind of impression is it, do you look down on me?The result of constant thinking and speculation is that every time I see Carl's face and hear Carl's voice, I am attacked by shame to the point where I can't breathe.And after a week, I could barely stay under one roof with him.

Therefore, when I received a telegram from the steward of the Acton Manor farm, informing me that they were about to start plowing and planting, I was almost so grateful that I was finally able to leave the mansion with confidence, and quickly packed up my salute. I rushed back to Acton and immediately arranged a full job for myself.

I insisted on riding a horse and followed the farm steward to inspect the land of Acton over and over again.These once deserted lands have been deeply and thoroughly turned several times by machines, and then sprinkled with fertilizer and turf ash, fully mixed with a rotary tiller and leveled the furrows.The land that used to be overgrown with weeds and rocks became clean and soft, ready to support crops.It had just rained a few days ago, and the dark soil was turned up and exposed to the air, exuding a freshness of damp soil.I took a deep breath of the clean and fresh air, looked at the vast land in front of me, and gradually relaxed my tense and depressed mood for the past few days.

Then I asked the steward to take me to the warehouse to look at the potatoes ready for sowing. Those small conical shoots protruded densely from the potatoes, like a terrifying monster, and countless monsters crowded together , that kind of "spectacular" scene made my heart shudder, and the hairs on my back stood up in fright.Maybe it was because of my bad complexion, the steward took me away quickly, but he probably didn't know that the expression on his face was full of complacency, as if he was proud and proud of being able to scare me. happy.

Next, I inspected my chicken pen and pig pen thoroughly and carefully.The sanitary conditions of the farmhouse are not very good, the ground of the farmhouse is full of chicken manure, and the grunting piglets in the pigsty are happily rolling in the mud mixed with soil and manure. I refuse to use any associations to analyze the flavor of the description.

But when I watched the newly hatched chicks screaming and following behind the hen, rolling around like a bunch of bright yellow balls, watching the piglets throw dirty mud When we huddle together with food and water, I feel as if I have found a solid destination that belongs to me and I belong to it, can carry me, and I can rely on. It requires me to invest enough heart, and I can draw strength from it.Here, all the meaningless and worthless thoughts fell on the ground like dust floating in the air, so finally, my heart regained its clarity.

The author has something to say: Warmly thank you for the landmines of Shisanyin children's shoes, okay~~~~

As a result, I accidentally sent OTZ after midnight. .I want to get rid of procrastination, and I started coding in the afternoon, and I didn't make substantial progress until 10:30. . .

The defense has passed, and the teacher didn't make it difficult for me, thank you for your concern~