[Titanic] I can't help myself

I insisted on going to the first field of farming every day, watching the potatoes with sprouts being cut into pieces and then buried in the soil.The steward who manages the land has been with me, assuring me in a tone of assurance of a great harvest in April, and reporting to me the preparation of the oat seeds and beet roots.I listened with half-knowledge, but with an inscrutable expression on my face, I listened silently until he finished speaking, and finally nodded without saying anything else. I just praised him for his hard work with very polite words.As a boss who has very little understanding of the work content of his subordinates, no matter what, at least on the surface I want to put on my posture.All the people were busy for several days, working overtime, until finally all the land planned into the potato planting plan had a sufficient number of potato seedlings buried.In order to praise their enthusiasm for work, I gave each of them an extra month's salary as an encouragement, and I gave them twice the bonus for outstanding performance.Thank you Dade for complimenting my generosity.

When the potato planting was over, I realized that it had only been a week, but I had hardly thought of Karl during that week, and looking back, the embarrassing shame was much lessened.Although every time I think about it, I want to beat myself up, but I don't have the urge to jump off Big Ben as if everything is destroyed.

But I still didn't want to go back, I was alone on the whole estate, and I didn't have to face the key reason that still made me feel ashamed, and I didn't have to be caught between my mother and Rose, which made me very relieved.However, the servants definitely do not welcome my sudden return at all. When the master is away, their salary will remain the same, but their workload will be much less, and they will not have to grovel in front of others.I was also a working-class worker squeezed by the boss in my previous life, and I understand their feelings very well. Therefore, when I was free, I asked Charles to give all of them a day off to go to town.

George didn't have the slightest interest in the holiday, and he still stayed by my side to serve me. In this way, my life didn't have too many inconveniences due to the servants' holiday, and the only difference was that lunch and dinner became I ordered the cold sandwiches that the cook had already made.

Giving them a holiday is also a holiday for myself, at least I can steal a day of laziness, neither need to be neatly dressed, put on a bra and keep my back straight all day, nor need to wax and comb my hair Be meticulous.So in the afternoon, I was wearing loose pajamas, reading a book on the bed in the bedroom, eating snacks, drinking the black tea and milk tea that George made for me, tossing and turning in a more comfortable position.George is absolutely talented in making drinks. He mixed chocolate and cocoa powder into the black tea and milk tea, and added some coffee.

The book is a vulgar romance novel dug out from the study room. The only bright spot is that the protagonists in the book are two men. This is probably another banned book that has been circulated in a small area.Although the plot is very old-fashioned, the author's writing is very smooth, especially when it comes to the intimate part, the impact of the described picture is so strong that it makes me blush.

When the door of the bedroom was gently opened, I was lying on the bed, my cheeks were hot and immersed in the sweet and cloying entanglement of the two protagonists in the book.At first I thought it was George who came in to replace me with a new milk tea, but the next moment, I felt the mattress beside me sink, and then a person's body was half pressed on my back, and he stretched out his hand and took my milk tea away. Book.

I was startled, and I subconsciously wanted to get up and get rid of the weight on my body. The man sat up knowingly, then hooked my shoulders and pulled me into his arms, leading me to fall backwards, lying on the bed head.I struggled to get up like a tortoise that has been turned over all the time, almost fell off the bed, and hurriedly crawled to the end of the bed, only to find that this person was Carl who was supposed to stay in Bath.

"You, why are you here?" I stammered and asked.

""The Second Kind of Love"?" Carl didn't answer my question, but turned the book he snatched from me upside down, read out the title word by word, then turned the book over again, and looked at me. On the page I was reading, I blew a long whistle half a minute later, looked up at my face, with a deep smile in my dark eyes, "Yes, it is very hotly written."

I snatched the book back subconsciously, and asked again: "Why are you here? You, aren't you in Bath?"

Carl shrugged his shoulders, put his arms under his head, and folded his slender legs on the side of the bed: "Someone is avoiding me for some inexplicable reasons. Let me see if he understands."

I blinked, it was obvious that he was talking about me, but I really didn't know how to proceed with this kind of words, so I had to pretend to be stupid: "Huh?"

"It seems that there are some things I haven't figured out yet." Carl grinned, "I won't talk about this. Why was there no one in the castle when I came? I rang the doorbell outside the gate for a long time, and finally came through the servant's back door Come in, walk all the way up from downstairs, no one saw, where did the servants go?"

"I gave them a day off." I straightened the neckline of my pajamas and buttoned the top buttons, "I don't want to add to George's workload, so the whole day today is basically No one will come to serve us. Do you want some milk tea?" I slid off the bed, walked to the small round table, and threw the book on the far sofa.

"Of course." Carl sat up, took the teacup holder from me, took a sip from the cup, his face froze for a moment, and then raised one eyebrow, "very interesting taste. Very unique." Then put them Put it on the bedside table.

"I remember there is still water in the house." I smiled and took another cup.

"So, what happened to Buzz?" I handed him the water and turned to sit down in the chair by the bed, but Carl pulled me back onto the bed.

"Don't ruin your relaxing afternoon just because I came." He put me directly on the bed. "I swear I will keep this secret and never tell anyone and ruin your image."

I was amused by him, and finally sat cross-legged on the tangled quilt.

"I'm actually here for business." Carl coughed and said seriously, "Henry, I hope you still remember the contract we signed at Chatsworth."

"Of course." I said.

"Then I am very happy to tell you that after several months of intensive preparations, the Hockley large-scale oxygen generator factory has been built and the production of the first oxygen generator has begun. However, this machine has a little failure. The engineers are at a loss for what to do, and I am afraid we need the guidance of our chief engineer, Earl Richardmond. Then," he said, he stretched out a hand, "Will you domethishonor, mylord?"

I smiled and stretched out my right hand to hold his hand, "My pleasure."

He squeezed my finger, paused, and said, "If it was the past, shouldn't I kiss your ring, my lord?" Then, without waiting for my answer, he took my hand and rubbed it on my middle finger. Print a kiss on top.

I was taken aback, and quickly withdrew my hand, "It's a pity that I don't have a ring." I pressed my left hand on the place he kissed, and my heart couldn't stop beating, "And now this etiquette is no longer popular, Unless your Catholic is facing a cardinal from the Vatican."

Carl shrugged indifferently, "Well, I know, this is just a joke. So, when do you think it would be better for us to set off?"

"It's all right, I don't have any arrangements that I can't change recently." I continued to hold my right hand, and rubbed my thumb against the kissed position, trying hard to calm my heartbeat.The warm, moist feeling seemed to be carved into my skin, and I couldn't get rid of it no matter what.

It seemed so ridiculous, so pathetic, and it was just a joke that broke all the psychological defenses I had built up during this time to pieces.I suddenly felt a surge of almost uncontrollable irritability from all of this, from my out-of-control emotions, and ridiculous throbbing.

"Carl." I bit my lower lip, trying to stop myself from saying the following words, but those words came to my lips, and if I didn't say them, I felt that I would suffer from a breakdown, "Carl, I don't want to appear too sensitive, or Arrogant, self-reliant, or repulsive, but I have to tell you, I don't like that joke just now. I hate this!"

Carl froze for a moment, "Then?" He tilted his head slightly and looked at me, beckoning me to continue.

I closed my eyes and secretly cheered myself up.

"I think, through that night, in the most intuitive way, you already know that I...I like men." I opened my eyes and forced myself to look into his eyes unwaveringly, "So, don't talk to me anymore I make this kind of joke. I like men, so I will be very sensitive to physical contact between the same sex, whether it is hugging or kissing. Of course, this is not to say that I have or should not have thoughts about you , It's just... It's like a lady, she always keeps a certain physical distance from other gentlemen, no matter what kind of emotion she has towards this gentleman."

Carl didn't speak, but slowly sat up from the head of the bed, "Henry," he said at last, trying to grab my hand, but I pulled it behind my back.

"This, this is not a temper tantrum, or shyness, or any other irrational impulse." I beat him and said, "I wanted to tell you this a long time ago, and you bothered me so much , very... anyway, we all know that you are about to marry Rose, although I am a man, but like Rose, I also like men, if I am also a woman, the moral opinion and code of conduct of the society will be different at this time Ask me to keep a certain distance from you, instead of playing around like this, making such overly intimate jokes. Although as a man, there is no clear code of conduct in society to restrict my behavior, but my conscience tells me Me, I can't take these jokes anymore, as if I'm a normal woman-loving man, I..."

I was blocked by a sudden surge of sobs, and I couldn't say a word, so I could only cover my eyes and stop talking.I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if Carl picked up something out of the gibberish.The eye sockets were hot, swollen and stinging, and I felt as if I was about to cry out in embarrassment.Just like escaping, I quickly jumped off the bed, walked quickly to the window, and turned my back to him.

Neither of us spoke again.I kept covering my eyes until I felt I no longer had the urge to cry.

"I think you will feel very disgusted." Looking at the farmland behind a forest in the distance, I said in a trembling voice, "Hooking shoulders with a homosexual who would covet a male body. , and even soaked in the hot springs almost naked together, this is really an offense, isn't it..."

"Of course not!" Carl interrupted my self-pity loudly, and the next second he stepped up to my side, grabbed my shoulder and turned me over, "Of course not, Henry, of course not. How could you have Such a terrible idea? I have never had any thoughts of belittling you, and I have never felt offended. If I hate you, I will never take the initiative to take a step closer to you! I...Damn it!" He cursed annoyed One sound.

Silence spread between us, and I lowered my eyes to look out the window at the manicured lawn in front of the castle.Carl was still holding my shoulder with one hand, and he was also looking out the window, without saying a word.

Finally, he let out a long sigh, "I'm sorry, Henry, I should have talked to you a long time ago, I didn't expect that what happened that night put so much pressure on you."

"Actually, I've known for a long time that you like men."

I looked up sharply at him.

"Please, I'm not that dull. I can see what James Durance can see."

"How do you know he saw it and not me telling him?" I whispered.

"Because you are a silent child who likes to bury all your worries in your heart." He rubbed my hair, "You can't take the initiative to tell anyone."

I nodded, "You're right."

"So, I've never been confused about this. You know I'm 31 years old, I've seen everybody, and liking men is not a big news for me. Your attitude has no effect." He smiled, "To me, you are like my younger brother. So I never thought that these hugs and jokes would make you feel so sad and embarrassed, because for you For me, it's an intimate exchange between loved ones. I'm very sorry for that."

"It's my own problem." I said hoarsely, feeling like I was going to cry again.

"I think I need to take most of the responsibility. If I had talked to you earlier, you wouldn't have such a big psychological burden." He patted me on the back lightly, "Actually, I still have some A little sad, after all, you and James Darrence also hook shoulders, hug each other, and kiss each other's cheeks when you meet, and you have seen each other's nakedness more thoroughly than when you and I took a hot spring together. body. Under the same circumstances, he doesn’t seem to put as much pressure on you as I do.”

"That's not what I meant." I suddenly felt that things were a little chaotic, and I would actually make Carl feel isolated and left out, "It's just...you...you are different, James and I grew up together, I When I was born, he also attended my baptism, we know each other too well so...you are different from him."

"Well, I accept this reason." Carl let go of the question easily, "I just want to know one thing: Tell me, Henry, these hugs and jokes of mine, these exchanges between close relatives, let you Are you offended by me?"

"Of course not!" I replied immediately, "How is that possible?"

"So do I." He patted my head, "Just as you never offended you by my overly intimate behavior, I never offended me that you like men. It doesn't matter whether you like men or women. It will change my thoughts and attitude towards you. So, don’t be sad." He quickly wiped away a little water from the corner of my eyes with his thumb, and then opened his arms, "I think everything that needs to be explained has been explained clearly, so now , would you still like to hug me? Like a relative."

I forced a smile and looked into his face, "I'm not saying I want to... oh well, I do." I also put my arms around his back.

He hugged me tightly, patted my back slightly with his big hands, and then pressed, caressed, from top to bottom, one by one.

"When I was young, my father would hug me like this, but he doesn't give me a good face now." Carl said on top of my head, his chest vibrated slightly because of the words.

We hugged quietly for a while, Carl let me go, and said, "So, can I kiss your forehead? This is a kiss between relatives."

My body stiffened immediately.

"It's just a kiss here." He gently tapped the upper part of my forehead with his index finger, "Fathers will kiss their children like this, and brothers will also kiss them. Even men who like the same sex will not Refuse a kiss from your own father and brother."

The words have come to this point, I feel that I can't find a reason to refuse, I don't want him to misunderstand that I think he offended me, otherwise I can only tell him that I like him.

"Okay," I finally nodded, "but nothing else. At least I haven't seen a father, or a brother kiss his own child or a brother's finger."

"I know, I will restrain my behavior, so that you will not feel embarrassed and burdened." He nodded with a smile, then held my face, and kissed it lightly near my hairline one time.The kiss lingered for a few minutes, and it made me feel as though my heart had been scratched by a kitten's paw.

Fortunately, he ended the kiss quickly.

"Let's set off tomorrow." He said briskly, "The factory is built in Belfast. After getting off the train, we have to take a boat to reach our destination."

I adjusted my mood, "Okay. But you may have to make up for it tonight. I also gave the cook a holiday, so there are only sandwiches for dinner, and they are still cold."

The author has something to say: Hey, thank you Shisan Yinjun for mine~~~

Wow Kaka, a rich chapter~~ Do you want to praise me~

In the past two days, I feel that my thoughts are a bit exhausted. I originally wanted to go shopping and relax, but in the past few days, I feel like a pig. I start to feel sleepy after breakfast, sleepy after lunch, and sleepy after dinner.I was so sleepy yesterday that I went shopping, but when I came back at night, I really couldn't write anything. . . . .Fortunately, after sleeping for another day today, I woke up at night and my fingers are alive again hehe~~

Recently, I have to speed up the coding, because I suddenly thought of a very interesting romance stalk, and I really want to open a new pit, so hurry up and finish this article and start the next one. . . .

There will be a graduation trip in two days, but I will code it out and save the manuscript, so I won’t stop updating~~ But as a home girl, I really don’t like to go out to play, and I went to Beidaihe, which I have been to. I think I will bring the paper to the At that time, the person who wrote the draft on the road said OTZ. . . .