Jujube

After Lu Xinyao left, I followed his last words, took a shower, and lay on the bed early.Only when you fall asleep, the day will pass, and when you wake up, it will be a new day.

There is a pair of eye-shaped spots on the bed of the upper bunk. I have stared at it countless times during sleepless nights, and now I am still staring at it without thinking about anything. The long blankness in my mind makes me think I am asleep.

After a long time, I heard a whimper, and heard it change from a weak sob to a loud cry. I saw my thoughts and imaginations floating in the dark room, and saw their illusory light disappear one after another.

Then I saw my own hopelessness in the eyes on the bed.

The days suddenly have no hope, is this a reunion?Just to be left behind again, to give up thinking completely, it's better not to meet, better just to be in a dream.

The back of Lu Xinyao disappearing in the corridor at the last moment made me feel chills all over my body. I wrapped my trembling body, but I guessed even colder in my heart: This is the last time I saw him.This thought is not hot, but it makes me shiver.

The sun has risen, it's a new day.I go to the galaxy.

I was bathed in sunshine along the way, but I felt that a dark cloud hung over my head for a long time, covering the sky and blocking out the sun, and my mood was as bleak as the dark cloud.I'm so tired of the noise of people around me, and as I stare at the ground beneath my feet, I can't help but wish it would collapse the next second, taking the whole world with it, singing and laughing, to pieces.

Why is this so?I saw my own shadow on the ground, a deformed shadow, as if I saw my deformed soul in an instant.I vaguely figured out that my love is deformed, and so is my resentment, so people are distorted, and they bark their teeth and claws, becoming vicious and vicious.

There must have been sadness in my eyes at that time, because sad eyes would look for another pair of the same eyes, and I found Feng Lang.To be precise, we found each other.

My first friendship with Feng Lang started from the day he confided his secret to me.Back then when he was still in Xinghe, I accidentally saw Feng Lang standing between a guest and the locker with his back against the cabinet door, the other's hands were inseparable from his body.

I didn't say anything, but Feng Lang told me his homosexuality secret afterwards.

"I don't dare to tell others, but it doesn't matter to you," Feng Lang said, "because I can see that you are the same kind of person as I am."

He has no evidence to prove this, but he is very sure of his intuition. Feng Lang said that his intuition has never been wrong.I also gradually had another intuition that the reason why Feng Lang came to Xinghe to work was not just to make a living, he also had other desires.This intuition was finally confirmed, and Feng Lang soon left Xinghe to start his extravagant band life.

After the last performance on the rooftop, Feng Lang had a bruised nose and a swollen face when he appeared in front of me again. His voice was somehow hoarse, but he kept pouring himself wine.Some things have to be said when half drunk, so that the emotions can be just right.Feng Lang was almost done drinking, and suddenly facing me, he pulled his neckline very low, and traces of overly heavy love mixed with violence spread from his neck.

I still remember the obscene scene on the locker back then, and I also know that these traces came from those inseparable hands. Love wants to live, and evil wants to die.Feng Lang scolded "pervert" in a hoarse voice, then leaned on the table and let out a low-pitched cry.

I thought Feng Lang was crying because of a broken relationship, but he himself disagreed. When he came out of the bar, he told me that they were not together because of love at all, but because of physical reactions.

The trailer of the new movie was playing on the big screen facing the street, I looked there in a daze, repeating Feng Lang's words in my mind, unclear, and seemed to be hiding a mystery.

Crossing the bridge is the Milky Way. There is no water under the bridge. It is also an asphalt road with heavy traffic. The streets on both sides are occupied by peddlers and beggars playing the erhu. They are crowded and easy to bump into people.I didn't expect to meet Lu Xinyao here, it should be said, I didn't expect to see him again.

Someone in the nearby shop opened the curtain and walked out. Lu Xinyao blocked it for me. His fingers brushed against my ears and hair, and the curtain fell back. I stared at him blankly.

Feng Lang, who smelled of alcohol, was beside me, embracing my shoulders as if he was falling apart. I noticed that my brother's brows were slightly frowned.He didn't speak, and I forgot to call him "Brother". I didn't remember until Feng Lang asked about Lu Xinyao's identity, but Lu Xinyao had already spoken first.He said to Feng Lang: "I am his brother, who are you?"

For some reason, I was a little flustered. This sentence must have a lot of weight, and I was completely at the mercy of it.

"Oh, I'm Mengli's friend." Feng Lang stood up straight suddenly, and after introducing him to my brother, he tapped me on the back with his arm.Feng Lang didn't know that I had an older brother, and the only person who knew was Wang Chunlu.

From my brother's eyes, I can feel his judgment on Feng Lang, this is his brother's wine and meat friend.

Lu Xinyao asked me where I was going, and I told him that I was going to send Feng Lang back to work the night shift in Xinghe.Then I heard him say, "Let's go then."

I didn't go by myself, he came with me.

I sent Feng Lang to a taxi at the intersection opposite Xinghe. When the car door closed, Feng Lang raised his hand and waved. The string of silver bracelets were crookedly scattered in front of the bridge of his nose. Under the silver halo, he looked vaguely at me. smile.I'll text you when I arrive.Feng Lang finally said.

My wine and meat friend left, but my brother was still there. When I turned around and saw Lu Xinyao, I suddenly thought: Did I not wake up, and was still in a dream?Otherwise, how could this scene have happened in Nanting?

Not far away is Xinghe, I was restless, afraid that Lu Xinyao would stop suddenly, but he didn't, Lu Xinyao accompanied me up the steps at the entrance of Xinghe, and entered the shower room on duty.

There is usually only one person on duty in the shower room at night, and now there are no guests, just me and my brother.

I feel a subtle atmosphere between us, it reminds me of the water mist floating in the air when the shower rushes out of hot water, it is moist, and when I touch it, there is a fleeting warmth on the palm.I was a little dazed, and couldn't help but look at my brother again and again, one less than the other.

Lu Xinyao knew that I was looking at him, he raised his eyes, caught my sight accurately, and said to me suddenly: "You've been drinking too."

I don't know when my brother smelled it, I can say it got it from my wine and meat friend Feng Lang, but I didn't lie, my brother's gaze made me unable to lie.

I replied, "Drink a little."

My brother looked at me, and the shadow of the past emerged on him again: "When did you learn it?"

I thought to myself, you fed me the first sip of wine, and said against my will: "It's very early, I don't remember when."

"Don't drink casually in the future," he said after a pause, I guess he thought of Feng Lang's drunken appearance, and his brows frowned slightly, so the second half of the sentence was more strict, "It's best not to drink."

I found myself still getting used to what he had to say, nodding resignedly before thinking about it.

Lu Xinyao's eyes seemed to soften a bit, I saw his hand raised, and a strange induction made me approach him. ——At that time my brother wanted to touch me, I could sense it, but he ended up just touching my hair lightly.

He glanced at the wall clock on the wall, and this action made the anxiety that had been lurking in my heart jump out, and I asked anxiously: "Brother, are you leaving?"

Lu Xinyao couldn't hear my longing, but he must have seen my anxiety. He didn't answer, but asked me if I had dinner.

I froze for a moment, shaking my head at him.

Lu Xinyao then asked me what I wanted to eat, and only then did I relax and get a little excited: he won't leave.

I quickly thought about the shops selling snacks near Xinghe, and then reported the nearest one to my brother.

When Lu Xinyao left Xinghe to buy me dinner, I received a text message from Feng Lang as scheduled.This text message reminded me of Feng Lang's smile in the car at the end, and his mysterious expression when he first confided his secret to me.

I asked him then, how do you know you're gay?Also by intuition?

of course not.He shook his head and pointed with his finger: "Because I have a reaction to men."

——I can imagine Feng Lang standing in front of me and saying to me in a firm tone: "Your brother is also..." The last three words melted into his vague smile.

When Lu Xinyao came back, it was raining outside, the wind was stronger than the rain, and his clothes were wet.I gave my brother a towel and he wanted to pick it up, but I changed my mind midway.The clothes were already wet and so cold that the towels were useless.

He is not my guest, but my brother, so he cannot use the service for guests.I was afraid that my brother would catch a cold, so I looked at him and said, "Brother, I'll take the clothes to dry. There are bathrobes here. Can you wear that first?"

I was really afraid that he would refuse, so I involuntarily pressed my upper and lower lips together, and looked straight at my brother.Maybe Lu Xinyao saw what I was thinking, so he smiled and agreed.

The showers in Xinghe have curtains for both men and women, but the male guests here always leave it open. I saw my brother's fingers working from top to bottom, unbuttoning the buttons one by one.

It's a very common move, I've seen many different people repeat this move, I thought I'd ignored it, but now I'm stuck in front of my brother, my eyes follow the button down one by one, without blinking.

The clothes were loosened and taken off, but the heart was tight, and the hands were tightly clenched, and the nails clenched the flesh of the palm to reveal the red moon.Suddenly, I thought of Feng Lang's alcohol-spouting words again:

Two people don't have to be in love to be together, just a physical reaction is enough.

Lu Xinyao didn't know what I was thinking, so there was no disgust in his eyes. He glanced at me lightly and said to me, "You have everything I have. What's so interesting?" Sensuality cuts off my sight.

Perhaps because of getting older, my brother's tone of speech is no longer as casual as before, and there is a little playfulness and teasing inadvertently.His emotions are self-sustained and restrained, and every word is not sticky, as if he intends to be alienated.

Later, my brother told me that when he pulled the curtain, he thought about a problem. He wondered if his younger brother was keen to peek at the guests taking a bath.He asked, do you also stare at other guests when they come?I said to him, "They don't pull the curtains."

In addition to the shower room, there is also a steam room in the shower room. There is a massage bed outside, and I sit on it and wait for my brother.The small stereo on the ceiling played the same song in a loop, and the sound of the water stopped playing the third time. I quickly picked up the bathrobe I had prepared for him.

I have been in Galaxy for two years, and I am very skilled in doing these things, but my brother is prone to mistakes, and I almost slipped outside the shower.

I don't know how it started, anyway, Lu Xinyao prevented the mistake from happening, I felt the temperature generated quickly when my body touched his palm, and the misty hot water vapor quickly soaked me wet.

The sudden fright caused a burst of throbbing, heart palpitations, and courage, I couldn't help calling out brother, and while my head was empty, I relied on him to refuse to leave.

"Brother..." There was no way around such a lingering word.

The shower curtain was half down, and I looked up, and my brother and I were looking at each other.I saw his black and penetrating eyeballs froze for a moment, and then moved very slightly.My eyelids also jumped, full of anticipation, but didn't dare to think about anything.It's like making a wish, very piously and cautiously, fearing that if the news is leaked, it will not come true.

Feng Lang said that his intuition was very accurate, and he said that my brother is also gay.If it's true... I was trembling even for breathing, and tentatively stood on tiptoe, looking for my brother's lips.

The two distant shadows on the ground should be closer and tightened so that they are inseparable.

However, just before they collided, the two shadows separated inappropriately. This distance lay in the middle, and I found myself in a panic.

As an elder brother, Lu Xinyao cared so much for me, just like when he kicked me out of the house, now he still refuses me mercilessly. — "Get out," he said.

One wrong step, and everything is lost.

I suddenly felt sad, obviously Lu Xinyao bought me dinner and walked a long way with me, but I felt empty-handed, more empty than ever.

Not only does he have no love for me, he doesn't even have desire.

The rain this night was like an arrow, like a thousand arrows piercing the heart.