Go to Hell, White Lotus

Qian, is this how you manage the tomb? ! "

The guardian of the tomb is a young man who seems to have just arrived and is not very sensible. He replied in fluent English: "No one has visited this tomb for at least ten years—besides, we only repaired it half a year ago! "

With just this sentence, Li Shenzhou remained silent.

Yes, he himself, who was still a friend of the deceased, was so negligent, how dare he bother a strange foreigner.

He looked at the tombstone of the cross.

The photo is a bit blurry, but a young figure can still be seen.And they are all old.

Standing in front of the tombstone, Li Shenzhou slowly lowered his head deeply.

"Actually, I wanted to tell you about Li Leyuan." The memory was interrupted suddenly, Li Shenzhou came back to his senses, and smiled embarrassedly at Chentian, "Sorry, people tend to think wildly when they are old."

"Oh? What's wrong with my wife." Chen Chentian opened his eyes and stared at him with interest.

Li Shenzhou was speechless, and finally just sighed, and said to Chen Chentian: "It's not your wife, I'm referring to another one."

As if all the light had been drained, Chen Tian sat blankly on the sofa, dazed for a long time.

"You say it."

***

Li Leyuan died on his 21st birthday.

Early in the morning in China, he called.That day Li Shenzhou was staying up late to finish playing World of Warcraft, and was about to wash up and sleep, but received a call from Li Leyuan.

Li Leyuan on the phone was very calm, without the slightest turmoil, but it was like a black and white movie I had seen before, depressed and gloomy, I could only hear him say: "Li Shenzhou."

"Do you want to play the midnight bell?" Li Shenzhou yawned, not hiding his tiredness.

The phone call was cut off abruptly.No sound.Inexplicably, Li Shenzhou was a little apprehensive and a little baffled, but he didn't care too much. He put on his pajamas comfortably and wrapped himself in a circle with the quilt.

Four days later, Li Shenzhou's mailbox received another email from Li Leyuan.The email has only a few numbers, and it is written in Chinese. The simple four words, but now I think about it, every word is heartbreaking: "Don't tell him."

At that time, the doubts in Li Shenzhou's heart deepened.He also didn't care about fishing at work, and replied in Chinese: "What's wrong with you?"

A few hours later, there was still no reply. Li Shenzhou became a little anxious, and made another international long-distance call, but no one answered.Immediately, a feeling of irritability surged into his heart, and he made a few phone calls resolutely, but no one answered.Li Shenzhou was a little annoyed. It just so happened that it was time for dinner, so he left all these troubles behind and took a few good friends out to have a good meal... Then, he put this matter behind him.

Knowing the news of Li Leyuan's death, the foreign police notified him two days later.At that time, a whole week had passed since Li Leyuan's death.

"This' police..."

With a proficient London accent, he once again tested his not-so-good English skills; and his not-so-strong mind.

Fortunately, after the police said so many words, there was finally one sentence that Li Shenzhou understood.

Li Leyuan is dead, and the last contact person is him.

Li Shenzhou's mind was full of chaos until he got on the plane and flew across several countries to London thousands of miles away.I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say.Pale as a frozen corpse crawling out of a morgue.

Aren't people nice?Why did it suddenly disappear... He swears on his computer playing World of Warcraft, this is not scientific at all?

However, he was indeed dead.

Li Leyuan hadn't had much contact with him. Apart from knowing that he was Chen Tian's lover, and that he had seen him off at the airport, he was not very familiar with the young man at all.

He remembered that he heard Chen Tian say that Li Leyuan liked Tagore's "Flying Birds"; Oscar Wilde's fairy tales; Saint-Exupery's "The Little Prince"; She's not femininity, and her grades aren't particularly good...otherwise she wouldn't be in the philosophy department.

The boy who liked to laugh committed suicide due to depression.

He could hardly imagine how those shining eyes were clouded, but he could see the layers of helplessness and despair revealed in his diary written in Chinese.

"I don't think I've changed like myself anymore. Strange people, strange things, blond foreigners everywhere..."

"I tried to call my mum to talk, but she just told me to 'fuck off'. She said she didn't want such a disgusting son like me."

"There is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with love. I love someone, and he is a man. That's all, why should I be judged to be wrong?"

The police told him that they had read the diary and judged that he committed suicide because of depression.And they also found solid evidence that Li Yueyuan had seen a psychiatrist, and she was not talkative at school and had a withdrawn personality.

And this diary, which has no "research value", has almost become all his relics.

According to the police, he cut off the veins in his wrist and soaked his wrist in warm water in the bathtub to die of excessive blood loss.

It is said that the water in the entire bathtub is dazzlingly bright red, but the yellow-skinned boy who knelt down in the bathtub had a serene smile on his face.

"There is no injustice in heaven, but I can only go to hell."

This is the last sentence in Li Leyuan's diary.

***

"You lied to me." Chen Chentian smiled and said to Li Shenzhou, his expression remained unchanged, even the arc of his smile remained unchanged, "This joke is not funny at all."

"What I said is true." Li Shenzhou looked at Chen Chentian, expressionless, but there were tears in the corners of his eyes.

The arc of Chentian's smile widened a bit: "You lied to me. He lived a good life abroad, married a foreign woman, and has a pretty good figure; he also got a green card and became Chinese; now he lives in a small villa in the suburbs of London Here, his daughter is married, and soon his grandson will be in secondary school..."

Li Shenzhou suddenly closed his eyes tightly.

He couldn't bear to interrupt him, everyone knew that it was just a fantasy.

"This joke is not funny at all." Chen Tian said, but the smile on the corner of his mouth slowly faded, as if he was afraid that he would not believe it, he repeated it seriously, "It's not funny at all, really. "

"I've detected liver cancer at an advanced stage. People who are dying don't like to lie. Because they have lied too many times before." Li Shenzhou just said these words slowly, turned his head away, and never Not daring to look at Chentian's expression, "I'm currently hospitalized in the Municipal People's Hospital... Anyway... I'm leaving first."

Li Shenzhou fled in despair, like a deserter from a subjugated country.

***

April thirteenth is a fine day.After two months of delay, the hospital's critical illness notice was finally sent to Li Shenzhou.

Chen Chentian asked the driver to drive to the Municipal People's Hospital.There are people coming and going in front of the Municipal People's Hospital, as well as vehicles.

"You stop here, I'll visit my old friend by myself." Chen Tian said to his driver, a moment of sadness appeared on his wrinkled face, "I'm getting old...Xiao Wang, take advantage of my youth Make some mistakes."

The young driver nodded half-understanding: "Mr. Chen, walk slowly. I'll wait for you in the hospital parking lot."

Holding the flowers, Chentian walked to Li Shenzhou's ward step by step without taking the elevator.

Pushing open the door, the room was brightly lit, Li Shenzhou was sitting around his wife and children, seeing Chen Tian coming, he said to them: "You go out first, I have something to say to Chen Tian."

Li Shenzhou's wife glared at him with red eyes: "I've been an old husband and wife for so many years, is there anything I can't know? I just want to be with you right now, can't I?"

Li Shenzhou's sons and daughters were reasonable, half-coaxed and half-pushed their mother out.

"What I told you that day is true. I will write you the address of the tomb... If you are free, go and see him." Li Shenzhou said, took out a note from the bedside table, and said with a trembling voice. hand wrote down the address.

"I know." Chen Tian said.Li Shenzhou's writing hand suddenly trembled. "I know...but I can only lie to myself."

Deep shock flashed across Li Shenzhou's expression, but he quickly smiled wryly in relief.That smile was ugly, he insisted on finishing the address and handed it to Chen Chentian.

"I used to think that Li Leyuan was the cruelest, but later I found out that I was the cruelest. Even if I knew what was going on, I could still deceive the world." His expression was deeply tired, "Now I know that the cruelest It's you."

"You are much stronger than me. You know everything, but you still pretend not to know, falling in love, getting married, having children; for more than 40 years, you haven't mentioned Li Leyuan to anyone once." There was a long silence, "Tell me, do you really have a heart?"

Chen Chentian didn't answer, he read the address on the note over and over again, finally hesitated a few times, and stuffed the address into his pocket: "I thought, I have it."

Li Shenzhou stopped talking, but just waved his hand to tell him to get out of here.

Chen Tian thought that he would not cry, time is undoubtedly the best antidote.

But some things have no cure.It's also like Li Leyuan's stubbornness, stubbornness, and extreme cruelty to himself; it's also like those eternal youthful love and hatred, you think it's far away, and you can't see the end, but in fact, it won't go away, like Like ghosts and ghosts, they are like a shadow, a plague that blooms in the heart, and the sorrow is everywhere, but it makes people have to calm down.

When he got home, he said to Li Yueyuan who was watching TV