memory castration

Existence is an objective world that does not rely on the transfer of human will. It continuously occupies time and space. It has always been there and has not disappeared.

I have seen it with my own eyes and touched it with my own hands. How can these personal feelings be denied by a simple document?I do not believe.

The sky in Jiangcheng in November is pale, like the face of a haggard patient. Although there are still weak green leaves hanging on the trees outside, it has entered the season of depression after all.

I suddenly thought of the eternal blue color of Egggarsen, with flocks of white pigeons hovering outside the window, and long and peaceful bells ringing overhead from time to time.

At that time, Xiao Ziqi and I were sitting in the church, listening to a group of little angels singing, "Our Father in heaven, may your name be hallowed... How about letting us meet and teach us to escape danger..."

Although I can't understand all the lyrics, I am happy to cheer for these children and try my best to smile and listen carefully.

Xiao Ziqi stretched out his hand slowly, interlocking his five fingers with mine as if nothing had happened.

I tried a few times to give up, fearing that the noise would be too loud and attract the attention of others.

I heard that Christianity is against homosexuality, and I don't want to be the enemy of everyone in this situation.

Xiao Ziqi didn't seem to care at all, instead he smiled sideways at me.

"Xiao Ziqi, you are blaspheming." I reminded him with a suppressed voice.

"There is no god in this world." He answered me silently with his lips moving.

"How do you know not?"

"If so, why didn't he come out and accuse me? "New Testament 13 Corinthians" Chapter [-] says that love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, not boastful, not arrogant, and not being shy... …I love you, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be close to you from the bottom of my heart.”

I was amazed at his knowledge of the Bible, "Are you a believer?"

He blinked lightly and asked, "What do you say?"

Probably not, because he doesn't believe that there is a god in the world at all, and how can a perverted guy like Xiao Ziqi have such a thing as belief?

"I am your believer, and I will only be loyal to you in this life." His kiss fell on my lips without warning.

Two men, doing such obscene things in the holy and glorious hall, and making such disrespectful remarks, we were regarded as filthy devils and were expelled angrily on the spot.

I'll bet it's still fresh in the pastor's memory when it's brought up in Egggarsen's Marmoor Church.

When Xu Yifei came back, I was still sitting in the study in a daze.

He looked at the opened paper bag on the table, hesitated to speak several times, and finally said bluntly: "Are you... all right?"

Facing the paper bag, I said, "How did these materials come about? Was it fabricated?"

"I'm not that boring," he said displeasedly: "The report contains Ma Moore's official seal, which cannot be faked. Yang Wenxiong should also have this information."

"Do you believe what it says?"

"If I use my own experience to prove it, I will choose to believe it."

"I don't believe it, I want to go to Egggarson myself."

If the five senses of human beings can deceive people, how can I simply trust a few pages of documents?

Xu Yifei was silent for a moment, "We'll wait until your injury is fully recovered."

I asked back: "What if I can't wait for that time?"

The leg is healed and what about the brain?What's the point of going to Egggarson if you don't remember anything by then?

Xu Yifei did not respond to my question, but he did not explicitly refuse again.

Two days later, Xu Yifei accompanied me on the plane to Egggarsen.

This romantic place full of red roses and green pastures has inadvertently become the most important stop in my life.

Many years ago, someone swore, Xiaobai, we will marry in Egggarson in the future.

Later he went, but with a woman.

Someone said, Xiaobai, I want you to take you back to Egggarson.

Then he disappeared and was never seen again.

If nothing else, this should be my last visit to this country where I have paid my hopes and disappointments.

Xiao Ziqi, are you really here?Didn't you insist on it all the time, why did you suddenly give up on me?

When we came to the familiar white manor, Uncle Qin had been waiting at the door for a long time.

He is over 60 years old, still unsmiling but standing straight, as if a mechanically rigid lighthouse is waiting for our arrival.

"Second young master, welcome home."

Home?Since my grandma passed away and the old house was demolished, I no longer have any concept of this word.

I broke free from Xu Yifei's arm, and limped up to him, "Is Xiao Ziqi here?"

He calmly said: "Yes, I have been waiting for you for a long time."

So... is this being fooled by that person again?Subconsciously, I breathed a sigh of relief, and I clenched my fists, "Take me to see him."

Uncle Qin made a gesture respectfully, "Please follow me."

Xu Yifei followed behind, with his hands in his pockets, frowning and looking around, his sharp eyes flickering all the time, and his behavior showed obvious suspicion and rejection.

"Tea and coffee are prepared under the flower vine, Mr. Xu can rest here." Qin Bo said abruptly.

"No, thank you." Xu Yifei flatly refused.

Uncle Qin stopped in front of him, "Since this is the case, I have no choice but to stay with Mr. Xu. Second young master, please go directly to the back study, where you will meet the eldest young master."

Xu Yifei said bluntly: "Get out of the way, don't stand in front of me!"

Uncle Qin said expressionlessly: "My master has always insisted that a visitor is a guest, and at the same time, he also hopes that Mr. Xu can be a qualified guest."

The two were at a stalemate, and I didn't bother to pay attention to it. I went directly around the big house in front of the house and came to the rose garden behind the house.

I once laughed at Xiao Ziqi for being a selfish person who doesn't know how to share. If I had such a large piece of beautiful roses, I would try to transplant them in front of the house so that everyone who passed by could enjoy them.

Xiao Ziqi not only hid it, but also stipulated that no one else was allowed to enter except for the necessary pruning by Uncle Qin.

The garden is full of two-color roses, the white ones are like snow, the red ones are like blood, and the large carpets of blooms are amazingly beautiful.

Walking along the path, a bamboo loft was built in the middle, and two maple trees were planted at the door. This is Xiao Ziqi's private study.

There are two guides in the attic, and the collection of books is very rich. I once came here by accident and found that it is like a treasure house. No matter what books I think of, I can find it here.

It was very quiet inside, and I searched up and down and didn't see anyone, only the harsh creaking sound of the bamboo boards following my inconvenient footsteps.

"Xiao Ziqi! Are you here?" I paced anxiously, "Stop pretending to be mysterious, get out!"

Uncle Qin is not a person who knows how to joke. He said that Xiao Ziqi is here, so Xiao Ziqi should really be here, but the layout of the attic is absolutely impossible to hide anyone.

Sunlight and wind came in through the small skylight, and the warmth was accompanied by the fragrance of flowers. The books placed on the table were blown loudly.

I glanced at it, and my eyes were inadvertently glued to the cover, Dr. Bockett and the women he loved.

The vulgar and flamboyant name seems to attract me to read it with an invisible force.

After opening it, I first saw the brief introduction, which was about the criminal history of a perverted doctor, and the main line of the story was unexpectedly familiar.

After pondering for a while, I remembered that I saw it in Shupei's psychological clinic magazine.

At that time, I took Xiao Ziqi to see a psychiatrist, and when they were talking alone, I saw this creepy horror story.

After hastily flipping through a few pages, Xiao Ziqi still didn't come out. I was really not in the mood to sit idle, so I cautiously went downstairs holding on to the railing.

Although the attic is not high, the angle of the ladder is very steep. I moved very slowly, and moved down slowly with flat steps. It was extremely painful as if being pulled straight by someone.

Taking a hissing breath, I had to sit down on the last step and pat my calf lightly, hoping to relieve the situation.

The pain is like a group of wet and cold snakes, which grow out of the flesh, and then twist into strands and drill into the gaps in the bones.Big drops of cold sweat slid from my forehead, and I didn't even have the strength to ask for help.

It's really terrible, I can't die of pain like this... I lay down in despair, letting the hard rock-like bamboo stick against my back.

Xu knew that Xiao Ziqi was fine, so I also started to think wildly.

I always feel that the future is very confused, my mind is not working well, and my body is not healthy. Although I still think I am young, I am already weak and out of shape.

Not to mention how far away, it is estimated that at the age of 30, he is almost close to a vegetable, right?When the time comes, Xu Yifei wonders if he will be willing to let go, or continue to hold my hand and pretend to be infatuated?

damn it!What's the use of being nice to Lao Tzu at that time?

But it’s fine if he sticks to me all the time, being a toad under his nose, coming out from time to time to disgust him twice, to some extent can offset some of my resentment over the years...

After lying down for about ten minutes, the injured leg gradually recovered. I stood up and was about to leave. A flash of light flashed in my mind without warning. The story of the skinned crime... I raised my foot and couldn’t get down again. go.

"He had a heart transplant three years ago..."

Uncle Qin once told me this, and later I did witness the course of Xiao Ziqi's illness.

But I have slept with Xiao Ziqi a few times, and I don't seem to remember any scars on his chest...

Just how sophisticated medical skills are needed to make such a major surgery as heart replacement completely invisible?

The pain in my leg that had disappeared reappeared again, and I was stunned for about 15 seconds before turning around and running upstairs.

The mystery of Xiao Ziqi's disappearance is a nightmare if it is not a hoax. If there is a choice... I would rather hope it is the former.

Xu Yifei's investigation report stated that Xiao Ziqi had died four years ago.