Pavlov and the White Moonlight

His name is Lu Huai, remember him, this is why you record these things.

The first thing you have to remember is the first time you met him, which you must never forget because he doesn't remember.This happened when you were 16 years old, at a drama festival held by your high school to commemorate the [-]th anniversary of Cao Yu's birth.Your high school attaches great importance to this drama festival. As a student in class [-], you are sent to help with the logistics of the drama festival and manage props together with a few classmates.You are in the corner of the waiting room, and the actors are huddled together in the waiting room. You see a boy, and your eyes immediately fall on him.

He is thin and tall, with a straight back and heavy stage makeup, making his eyebrows and eyes look very deep, making him stand out in the crowd so that people can't take their eyes off them.You know that he is playing Fang Dasheng in "Sunrise". He is wearing a costume and a long gown, and his demeanor is already that of a scholar in the Republic of China. "The phrase "The sun has risen".

Your companion pats you to bring you back to life.

It was almost October at that time, and the temperature in the waiting room was very low. The costume of the female classmate who played Fanyi in "Thunderstorm" was only a thin cheongsam. To her, when he stopped him, he untied the scarf around his neck and handed it to Fanyi, saying that you should wear it, Fanyi smiled and waved his hand, saying: "What is this little scarf of yours enough for?"

Stretching his arms, he shook the long-folded scarf into a big square scarf, and said, "Didn't expect it, my mother hooked it with wool, and usually covered the TV—put it on quickly, don't catch a cold."

People around him laughed and said that he looked like Kong Yiji without wearing a scarf, so he turned around and showed them the four ways of writing fen. He didn't touch his neck until the "Thunderstorm" crew had been on stage for a long time. She stomped her feet: "Hey, why did she wear our TV cover away!"

When the scene was changing, Fanyi hurried to the backstage with his scarf in his hand, repeatedly saying that he was sorry, it was too cold, and he forgot to take off his shawl when he went on stage, so he could only wear a long gown on stage, but the curtain had already opened, Fanyi It's not easy for Yi to run around wearing makeup, so he has to hand over his scarf to you, please hand it over to him, you hold the scarf and say blankly, yes.

Suddenly, you made a decision—maybe it can’t be called a decision, you just followed your instinct at that moment, you hugged the scarf, told your companions that you had something to go out, and then you sneaked out from the backstage, The cat sat down in the audience.

You can recall him at that moment with incredible clarity.The bright yellow chasing light hit him, and the huge circle of light followed his footsteps like people's eyes. Do you still remember the line he said at that time, he said: "No, I will not become a poet, but I might really become a fool, but—Zhu Jun, why don't you come with me?"

Later, a girl confessed to him and used Gu Cheng's poem, "I want the gold in your eyes." He told you this, and you think this poem is very appropriate.You secretly looked at his face countless times. He has handsome bones, a high bridge of nose, thick eyebrows and eyelashes like a crow's feathers, deep and wide eyelids, and the black eyeballs are bigger and darker than ordinary people. They are a pair of young people's eyes. .But he doesn't seem to know that he has such a radiant face on the stage. In private, he often shows some silly and frivolous expressions, laughing wildly or giggling. At that time, you always want to laugh at him, but also want to kiss him.

But at that time, you sat in the dark and looked up at him until the curtain fell, and you were stupid there.You squeezed his scarf, and it took a while to think of what you should do. You moved to the backstage, where the lights were also dim, and he came in a hurry, only seeing his scarf in your hand, smiled and said thank you, and took it. He put it on his neck in the past, and hurried away again.

You didn't understand what that rush of unfamiliar emotion was, you just stood there, feeling cold, feeling your stomach twitching, and even a little dizzy, which was almost like fear, and you were almost dead madness.You waste too much time trying to figure out what the emotion is, even though it's growing like a weed.Until the emotion is driving you crazy, and you finally make a decision, you decide to switch jobs, go where he is, and that's it.For that decision, you flipped out of your bedroom window to take the exam.The first time you do that, it goes pretty well, except for a twisted ankle.And the second time you do it he's standing below, with his arms outstretched to catch you.

He has always been like this, he is always ready to catch you with his arms outstretched.Later, he caught everything well, even though you never dare to ask for it.

What kind of a man he is, you know.He could have been brilliant forever, with clean eyes, and you ruined that all.The first time you saw his tears, you were lying on his lap, you saw him gently stroking your wound, turning your head suddenly, biting the knuckles of his fist with blue veins exposed, trying to suppress your choking, As a gesture of protecting you, he said, "I'll take you home, okay?"

You lived the next few months with no dignity about everything that happened to you and him.There is a boy who was sent here for the same reason as you, a few months before you, who sneaked over to you while you were dying on a bondage bed for "special training" and unplugged A patch of electrodes placed near your chest, for which you are very grateful—the shock in the chest is the most painful thing, it can make your heart contract suddenly, and you will feel like you are dying.After he pulled out the electrodes, he looked down at you blankly for a while, and said, "You just need to get used to it. You'll get used to everything about such a despicable thing." He later became a monk.

And you did get used to the life there quickly in a way that is not as good as pigs and dogs. The price is that you were kicked and broke a rib when you tried to escape, and you were locked up for seven days in black confinement, which made you sleep in the rest of your life. Facing the window, and never dared to draw the curtains again, but that was not the most painful, really not.What frightened and despaired you the most was that your feelings for Lu Huai began to change slowly involuntarily.At first, you were very anxious, thinking that your sudden loss of contact must have driven him crazy...

But then you betrayed him, and you were completely betrayed by yourself.They dangled his photo in front of your eyes during the aversion therapy. The photo was taken at the sports meeting that year. He stood on the podium, smiling with crooked eyebrows in the wind.They force you to associate painful feelings with him like that.First you're angry, then you're terrified, loathed, sickened, then you almost feel a kind of euphoria, you stop trying to squeeze your eyes shut, you look at his face and feel terribly convulsed, terrified and nauseous, you don't put It's a punishment, you take it as a punishment, and he's with you, which is fine.

The absolute pain of □□ is enough to crush a person's entire spiritual world. After you "graduated" in August of that year, you finally believed that sentence.You turned on your phone and saw the messages he sent you in the past few months. You read them one by one in silence, and then called him in an abnormal mental state. Fortunately, you still had the energy to maintain basic language for a while. logic.

The moment you heard his voice, the familiar pain like maggots crawled up your back quickly, but at the same time, the world finally started to operate normally in your mind, and the human world was given sound and color again.

You said: "Let's not contact each other again."

He was ecstatic at first, but suddenly froze, and then asked frantically with a trembling voice, you couldn’t resist his heart-piercing interrogation, for a moment, no, there were many moments when you almost wanted to tell everything you had suffered, but After each of those moments you realize that you can't.

You can't anymore.You used to be in hell, now you are hell yourself, if he finds out, he will definitely jump down.

He was raised too well, a bit naive, didn't have a deep imagination for malice, he just asked you over and over again if you were scared by your father, you can't have a full conversation anymore, you want to throw up, neurotic Nausea, so you hang up, relieved, wanting to die.

The last time you called him, you heard him crying, but he still couldn't help trying to save him. He even offered to be your underground lover. You had a splitting headache and couldn't accept that he became like this for you.He sniffed, tentatively cautiously, as if there might still be a glimmer of hope, and asked in a low voice: "Then, shall we break up?"

You say um.You are sitting on the floor of the bathroom in the box, your limbs seem to be cut off.

After that you have a total mental breakdown and end up having to be admitted to the hospital.Now you are going to school in Madison, and it has been a year since you were discharged from the hospital after being admitted to this school. Here, your psychiatrist made an appointment for MECT in order to treat your severe anxiety and alleviate your severe suicidal tendencies. This therapy works quickly and, for you, acts as a sort of desensitization therapy.But it has the side effect of potentially short-term memory loss and even long-term memory loss, so you write it down.This notebook will be placed in the most conspicuous position on the table in your ward, and there is another notebook below it, which records the outline, progress, and cited data and literature of your dissertation.The doctor said that even if memory loss does occur, it is reversible in most cases. If there is no accident, you will slowly recover after the course of treatment is over.But you cannot accept the slightest forgetting.

You have to remember.You have to remember how you were when you first met him, you have to remember how he was when he saw you for the first time, you have to remember that you loved someone passionately, and you once lived in the sun and were loved by others. Loved hard and tenderly.You have to remember whose lover you used to be, he likes to drink coffee, drink dark beer, like to write, he can play the guitar, he always stays up late, he has a bad stomach, his name is Lu Huai.

The author has something to say:

MECT, modified aconvulsive electrotherapy, a modality for the treatment of psychosis.

"Man is such a despicable thing, he will get used to everything." - Fyodor Dostoevsky, "Crime and Punishment"

He didn't forget, he didn't forget anything, there is no amnesia plot, everyone can rest assured.