Pavlov and the White Moonlight

"I said to myself, if I can't force myself to face you with a calm, gentle face, I won't come to see you, and now, I can do it."

Fortunately, MECT did not cause your memory loss, but only temporarily affected your memory ability. This is normal. Your doctor told you that it is like a computer redoing the system, and it will take a little time to turn it on for the first time.

Humans are not the same as computers.For a short period of time after each course of treatment, your brain was in a state of chaos, and you didn’t know where you were. You talked a lot of nonsense in your native Chinese language under anesthesia. When you woke up for the first time, you thought it was Lu Huai. When you were rescued from home and accompanied you in the hospital at night, you found that there was nothing beside you, and you paused for a while, then asked the white nurse, "Where is the boy who brought me here?"

The medical staff who do not have smoke can't understand Chinese very well, and they are familiar with your situation, so they didn't answer you.After you were pushed back to the ward by her, you gradually realized that something was wrong around you, and then you slowly remembered everything.

Scraping bones to cure poison is just like this.That feeling is hard to bear, but fortunately your symptoms have finally been controlled more effectively.Drugs make you numb and sluggish. For a while, your concentration is extremely lax, and it is even difficult to stick to the lecture of a professional class for less than an hour. This makes it difficult for you to have such strong emotions about the previous things. Your emotions Become very flat, very empty.This doesn't work, you start trying to remember and record some of the events of the year, but your therapist stops you, she says: "You can't keep your wound open and tear it up when it's just starting to heal blood scab."

So you no longer record.Love is always a pleasure and you don't associate this struggle with him.Your roommate sees that you only stay in the dormitory every day, and insists on pulling you to look at statestreet. Your roommate hates shopping, and when dragging you past those clothing stores in a hurry, you accidentally caught a glimpse of a piece of clothing in the window , a camel coat with sharp shoulders, quietly staying under the light, you suddenly think, Lu Huai will like this dress, it fits his aesthetics very well.

At that moment, you have the feeling of collapse that you haven't seen for a long time.

Until the fourth year when you bid farewell to drug treatment, in the next four years, the situation of desensitization treatment and other aspects of counseling is basically the same, roughly eight years like this.Recalling them too much will do you no good, so I won't repeat them.Things have been almost completely leveled off for the last two years, and you think it's time to go back to him.

Stay with him if you can, and in his city if you can't.In short, it's time to go back, you have been away from him too far, too long.

When you received the invitation letter for Li Rui's wedding, you graduated with a Ph.D. and were about to return to China. Sometimes things happen like this.Back then, in order to get rid of Tang Youwen, you changed all the contact methods before you left, so you and Li Rui have long since lost contact. His invitation letter was forwarded by Liu Hongbo who was in New York at the time. He met you overseas and left behind your new email.

He will definitely go to Li Rui when he gets married, and you will definitely see him at the wedding.

You do a lot of mental preparation.

Liu Hongbo tells you that he and Lu Huai have not seen each other for many years, and he does not know how he is now, only that he is definitely not married.The personnel news has been lonely for eight full years. It took you eight years to cross by yourself, and eight years is enough for a normal person to have a good and brand new life.You hope that he is like that, and you secretly hope that he actually remembers something.

You were so cruel to him at the time, the best situation is of course that he will still hate you eight years later, beating or scolding is fine, but the hope is slim.The most likely situation is that he has forgotten everything, he will see you, remember some ridiculous things in his youth, and then smile at you.

Worst case scenario he might...he might bring a partner along.How would he introduce you to that person—Tang Shuhe, my high school classmate.

So what to do.

Every time you think of this, you have a splitting headache and can't get to the bottom of it.Then you decided not to think about it anymore, and you planned to close your eyes until that day, if that is the case, just wait, wait until you are old, you will be old when you are old, and you will die when you die.No matter what, the situation will not be worse than it was then.

At first glance, you think he has not changed, but his hair has grown a bit, drooping at the tip of his eyebrows, he looks a bit flirtatious, he is wearing a suit that shows his figure, and he is talking and joking with Yu Sihai with his head tilted. When he smiles, those days The romantic air that poured out disappeared again, and you were a little dazed. This scene was so like the first time you saw him.

You call him by his name.

If you want to smile at him, it probably won't look good, so there's nothing you can do about it.You practiced yourself in the mirror many times before that day, and each time you were disappointed.

His expression was blank for a while, and he started to talk to you in a flustered tone.When you see him in the eyes of a 26-year-old man, you don't know what to do.

Think about it later, maybe when you reunite eight years later, you shouldn’t hide anything from him anymore, but the world didn’t know it earlier, because of your cowardice and strong sense of shame, you went around and went around in vain. Big circle road.It's just that you really didn't dare to do it at the time.You dare not let him know when all the past has faded and all the future has not begun, you are—at least you were a mental patient, crazy enough to try to kill your father, crazy enough to accept four years of drug treatment, And you're also personality dysfunction up until now, you don't bet on what he would think if he knew that.

It's just that at that time you didn't know that you hurt him far more deeply than you imagined, but he was always defenseless against you, and all his tenderness and fragility were frankly stripped to you.You gradually found out later, when you held his hand abruptly and let go abruptly, but he just leaned over to ask you what's the matter softly; when you obviously behaved abnormally, he just held your wrist When you lead you back to the light; when you have an anxiety attack in front of him, and he hugs you behind you; when you accidentally bump into his silently looking at you, hiding worry .

"Anyway, I hope you're happy," he said.

He said, "Brother Huai is here."

So when your mother, in a forgiving tone, asked you to take him home for her to see after the bereavement was over, you were outraged.There is no settlement in this matter.You don't need her forgiveness, and you can no longer tolerate her weakness.She is a poor person, you have been beaten for 18 years, she is only a lot more than you, but she blindly worships Tang Youwen, and firmly believes that everything Tang Youwen has done is "for your own good", including eight years ago. That time when the school visited you, you begged her to rescue you like crazy, and she shed tears after seeing your injuries, and told you, good medicine is bitter, and this is for your own good.

You asked her if she knew that she and Tang Youwen had ruined you, and she said, how could it be, except that their education failed in this matter, you are still excellent in other aspects.

So Tang Youwen quarreled with her the night before the funeral.She was sitting on the bed in your room, crying and asking if she died before you could come back to see her, you put on your coat and went out, across a living room, you said to her: "I will come back to see you. Tomorrow I'll go back with him when it's over, and I'll tell him what happened back then, so don't interfere."

It was almost four o'clock in the morning, the snow outside was about to stop, you were walking aimlessly on the street, you were reluctant to call Lu Huai, he must have fallen asleep, and you remembered a person who was revealing the truth The night before, you suddenly want to hear what that person thinks.

You hesitate to dial a number.The man picked it up quickly.You coughed dryly and said, "It's me."

The man asked in surprise, "It's you? How do you make an overseas call?"

"I'm back in China." You said, "...Did I disturb your rest?"

He said: "I just had morning class. Shanren got up earlier than you. Is there something wrong?"

You said: "I went back to China to find him."

He laughed, pondered for a moment, and said, "It's time to ring the morning bell." Then he took the phone away and listened to the temple bells echoing in the mountains.

However, in the end, Lu Huai did not learn the truth in a more gentle and gentle way as you wished, and the situation at that time was even more tragic than you imagined.He saw that video, that video you don't want to look at again, can't imagine how sad he will be when he sees it suddenly, when you get there, the phone screen has been smashed, and he is bending over Standing by the sink to wash the blood off his face, the front of his black suit was soaked in water, and he was shaking like chaff.

"I know all about it," he said.

At that moment, it was sorry that came up ahead of the heartache.You feel very, very sorry.

But he said, "Let's make up."

He embraces you again.You put your arms around his back, and suddenly felt something exhausted and relaxed from your body, and you rested your chin on his shoulder, suddenly feeling like you came out of death.

saved.Be nice to him forever and ever.

He grabbed your shoulders, tidied your messy hair, and wiped your face with a piece of paper. He smiled at you with red eyes and crooked eyebrows, and led you out. , sighed: "Oh my God. When was the last time I hugged you?"

You answered silently: "Three days ago."

When Tang Youwen died, he was afraid that you would be sad, so he kept his arms around your shoulders and supported you.

"No," he said, patting you on the back, "it was eight years, four months and four days ago."

Your mother pulled you to see off the guests, but he winked at you and chased you out. When you hurried away to look for him, you happened to see him throw your aunt's mobile phone to the opposite wall.That video may just disappear, or it may have been backed up by her, but it doesn't matter, if he does this, everything will be over.

You are suddenly very calm, so calm that you have time to compare his height with your uncle's. You think, he seems to have grown a little bit taller than when he was seventeen or eighteen.He seems to be the same, actually pinching the cell phone that was smashed badly and asking you about garbage sorting.

In the underground garage, a car drove in slowly with its lights on. He stood at the junction of light and darkness, and stretched out his hand to the bright side.

He whistled once and said, "Let's go."

The wind and snow were still howling, but he held out his hand to me, and I knew he was coming to take me home.

Extra episode [-]˙End.

The author has something to say:

I said to myself, if I couldn't force myself to put a calm, gentle face on you, I wouldn't come to see you, and now, I can. ——"Rhino in Love" Liao Yimei