Shen Gong Ji

I don't know if it's easy for everyone to think that they are unique in the other person's heart when they try their best to like someone, so no one dares to bravely face and admit a cruel possibility.

Those treasures that we cherish and hide deep in our hearts, they have long since forgotten.

After suffering disappointment and loss again and again, we still deceived ourselves, until one day, when all the reality stared bloody, leaving us nowhere to escape, we had to face the ridiculously pale reality .

For the next two days, I spent it soaked in wine.I'm not an alcoholic, and I haven't used alcohol to get over my sorrows, even in the worst of times.But looking at it now, wine is indeed a good thing. Those two days, which would have been extremely difficult, passed by like a flick of a finger under the influence of alcohol.

The entire harem attended Du Ruo's canonization ceremony, and I was the only one absent because of illness.I think everyone will forgive my absence, after all, I am now a poor man who has fallen out of favor in their eyes.

I sat alone in the corridor, staring blankly at the waterfall falling from the roof tiles.The sound of water roared in my ears, clearing away my tangled thoughts. I looked at the rainbow that crossed the entire palace in the rising water vapor, and felt a swollen pain in my eyes.

Fuyao Palace, the most enviable palace in Zihuan Garden, looks so ironic at this moment.I suddenly feel unbearable, I think, I have to move out as soon as possible.

But after the desperation that filled the sky, there seemed to be a little bit of hope remaining.I don't even know what I'm hoping for. Could it be that I'm waiting for the little emperor to realize that he has already forgotten that Du Ruo is in love with me.

In fact, Du Ruo is also a poor person, isn't he? The reason why he got that kind of stomach trouble is mainly because of worry and depression. Maybe the little emperor didn't tell him his plan, which made him suffer so much.No wonder he always looks sullen.

But at this time, I was viciously hoping that he really had stomach cancer, so that he would die soon, and a dead person cannot compete with me.As long as I can wait, the wild goose book will still be mine in the end.

But the other half of me is spurning the darkness of this thought. After all, Du Ruo has been with me for two years and has been serving and caring for me wholeheartedly. He is considered a very important friend of mine.But now I curse him to death for the sake of the little emperor, isn't that too ugly.And even if Du Ruo dies and I replace him, will the little emperor really forget him?He has endured Du Ruo for so many years, even I who slept with him every day did not see any clues.He said that the more you love someone, the more you have to suppress your feelings for him.He can endure to this extent for Du Ruo, I really don't have the confidence to wait until the day he changes his mind.

The more I thought about it, the more painful it became. I buried my face in my hands, just wanting this to end quickly.Whatever it is, get me out of this purgatory.I can not stand it any more.

So tired, so tired... There are too many things in my memory... The insults I received in the palace, the despair of watching Wenfeng die but being helpless, the sin of killing Xiangli with my own hands, the training I received in Beichuan City The dying cold and the fear of being forgotten in Nanren Prison, the sins that killed Fang Ziji, Ouyang Qi and Lian Moshang, I thought it was worthwhile to exchange these pains for the happiness with the little emperor, but now...

Now they have turned into countless twisted ghosts, baring their teeth and claws at me, laughing at my stupidity, and wanting to drag me to hell with them.

When it was time for dinner, Yin Duanqing came suddenly.I tried to piece myself together and brace myself to meet him.He was dressed in a crimson purple palace gown, and he probably just came from the banquet of the hundred officials after the canonization.

With a hint of hope, I slightly nodded to him, "Uncle Yin."

His eyes softened a little, and he also bowed to me, "Your Majesty, I have seen Young Master Xian. Your Majesty heard that Young Master is ill, so he specially ordered this slave to come down to visit Young Master."

Although I knew that such visits were mostly just perfunctory, my chest, which had been aching, felt a little better.I saluted, "Please thank Your Majesty for me."

"My lord, please take care of your health." He said, and ordered a palace servant behind him to touch out a food box, "Today is the canonization ceremony of Her Majesty the Queen, and Her Majesty will eat this bird's nest at the next Baiguanyan, saying yes That’s right, I heard that the young master is ill, so I ordered the Imperial Cuisine Secretary to make a special bowl and bring it to you.”

"Thank you, Your Majesty." I winked, and Qian Yi quickly took the food box over.

Yin Duanqing finished the task and didn't want to stay for long, so he bid farewell to me.I asked Uncle Jin to send him out on my behalf, and then went back to the room, staring at the unfinished portrait of the little emperor in a daze.

Qianyi brought over the bird's nest bestowed by the little emperor, and said cautiously, "My lord, you haven't eaten all day. You should eat some at least."

I shook my head, "Not hungry."

There was also a bit of sadness on Qian Yi's face, and his eyes were a little red, "Young Master, I know that you are suffering. But even if you don't eat or drink, His Majesty won't feel sorry for you without you..."

As I listened to his words, I felt another prick in my drowsy mind.But this sting seems to have woken me up a bit.I looked at the small table next to me and said, "Put it there, I'll eat it later."

Qianyi smiled a little, put the bowl and spoon on the table, "It must be hot." Then he left the room.

I stayed in a daze for a while, and then picked up the porcelain bowl.I was about to put it in my mouth, but I saw poop squatting at my feet, staring straight at the food in my bowl, and meowing.

I just remembered that I didn't eat all day today, and I seemed to have forgotten to feed him.

I put the bowl in my hand on the ground, with a kind of vengeful mentality.Poop happily gobbled it up and licked the bowl clean.

Only when I saw its delicate and cute appearance, I felt a little real in a trance.I twitched the corners of my mouth, picked up the paintbrush, and wanted to add a few more strokes to the painting.But no matter how you look at it, how can you feel that the little emperor's smile is dazzling.Was he really smiling at me?Or is it because Du Ruo, who is looking behind me, is smiling?

All the memories of him and in this palace seemed to be tainted by a man named Du Ruo all at once.

At this moment, he suddenly screamed terribly.I was taken aback and watched it curl up and roll on the ground.I was so frightened that I quickly called its name and squatted down, trying to hug it, but it looked like it was in great pain and scratched my hand hard, leaving three deep bloodstains.

"Poop! What's wrong with you!" I was terrified, and hurriedly called Qianyi in to help.Qian Yi was also shocked when he saw this scene, and hurriedly arranged for someone to go to the Imperial Medicine Department to find someone.I didn't care about being caught, and hugged the poop in my arms. It looked very painful, and blood suddenly overflowed from the corner of its mouth.

With a clang under my feet, I saw the empty bird's nest bowl, and a thought froze in my mind for a moment, and my whole body froze immediately.

Could it be... that bowl of bird's nest...

This thought captured my whole body, I trembled all over, and murmured Poop's name.It seemed to understand, and looked at me with a pair of crystal eyes wide open, with liquid dripping from the corners of the eyes.

It's crying...it's calling for help...

But I can't do anything, I can only hold it...

Before they could get the doctor, Poop stopped struggling.It slept peacefully in my arms, and it seemed that the pain was no longer there.

I hugged it and sat on the ground blankly.I suddenly felt that the whole person didn't exist, melted in this icy air, and there was nothing left.

Qianyi was crying, saying something, young master, if you wake up, you will already be dead.They tried to grab the poo from my arms, but I instinctively pushed them away.

If I hadn't rubbed against my leg and acted like a baby at that time, I would have been the one who drank that bowl of bird's nest.

I feel, instead of poop, I'm holding my own dead body.

I suddenly shivered, and my eyes turned black.I felt something finally spilling out of my eyes, and bursts of fishy sweetness flooded my throat.

Under the horrified eyes of Uncle Jin and Qianyi, I vomited a mouthful of blood and passed out.

Unexpectedly, when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Zhao Yanshu.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring sideways at me.Seeing me wake up, he was still staring at me quietly, his face as pale as snow.

For a moment, I seemed to be a little confused, not sure which node in my memory I was in.However, when I walked through the nodes one by one, what I stopped at the end was the most terrifying nightmare.

Seeing him again at this time, I found that my heart would no longer be so painful.Only the endless dull pain continued.

I opened my eyes wide and looked at him, but I didn't expect to feel something spilling out of my eye sockets in the next moment.I was very embarrassed, but I didn't have time to hide it, so I just looked at him like this.

Anyway, no matter how much I pretend, he can see through it all.I have already cut myself apart, and Chen is placed in front of his eyes, right?

When he saw me like this, he was also slightly moved, and a deep and thick sadness poured out of his eyes for a moment.But he turned his face away quickly, so I don't know if the desolation of that look is my imagination.

"I have already executed the cook who poisoned you." He whispered.

But I laughed, lightly laughed twice, and felt a little out of breath, so I stopped laughing.I said, "I have no grievances with the cook, how could he poison me?"

"He used to be Ouyang Qi's imperial cook, probably to avenge the Lord..."

"Your Majesty..." I looked at the peacock pattern embroidered above my head, "I am already the biggest threat to you, am I alive?"

His Adam's apple slid up and down, but he didn't speak.

I sat up, trying to dry the corners of my eyes with my sleeves.However, a hand suddenly came up gently to wipe away the few drops of moisture.

His eye sockets were also red, but he didn't seem to feel it at all. He rubbed my cheeks one after another, but in the end it turned into a nostalgic caress.

It was the first time I saw him cry.

What is he crying for?Do you feel sorry for me?

I don't need his pity, what I want, he can never give me.

We looked at each other, not knowing why the air was filled with despair.

"Yanshu, even a little bit, have you ever loved me?" I heard me ask in a low voice.

His brows were furrowed and loosened, and his cold hands trembled slightly.

"No..." he said finally.

In the next few days, I first wrote a letter and asked someone from the Department of Foreign Affairs to send it to an antique shop in Lujing, and then I counted all the gold and silver jewelry I received in the past three years, as well as From Yu Shao to the son's salary.It cost me a lot to hire Piao Miao Palace to do things for me before, but I still have a considerable amount of wealth after calculation.

I put all these things into the accounts of the Department of Internal Affairs, recorded two-fifths of the assets in the name of Uncle Jin, recorded one-fifth in the name of Qianyi, and distributed the rest evenly to everyone in the palace.Of course, I carried out this action secretly, without even knowing about the transfer.

After that, I went to see Guan Shangyi again, asked him for some things, and then gave him some of my paintings, including my usual painting tools.

I found a random reason, when I gave Qianyi to Guan Shangyi, Qianyi cried heartbreakingly, like an abandoned puppy.I patted his head and told him to be obedient when he went to Guan Xiuyuan's place, and stop talking out of his head. Then I turned my back, entered the inner hall, and closed the door.

After Qianyi left, Uncle Jin stood at the door and looked at me with a slight frown, "Why do I feel like you're arranging funeral arrangements?"

I laughed at him, "Go, do I look like a suicidal person?"

Since Du Ruo was named queen, I haven't seen him again, but I still took the time to write a letter and asked Uncle Jin to take it to him for me.

Uncle Jin has gone, so he probably won't come back.Because I asked Du Ruo to find a position for Uncle Jin in the Jiaofang Hall.Du Ruo is a kind person, and he has such a good relationship with Uncle Jin, so there will be no mistakes.

That night, I dismissed all my servants and faced the empty palace alone.The green gauze curtain dances gently in the blue moonlight, and the ethereal sound of water seems to flow into eternity.

I took one last look at the splendid palace where I lived for three years.There seem to be so many memories in every corner, which makes it hard to let go.

I said good-bye to them all, and then waved down the candlesticks at the edge of the curtain.The jumping flames stung my pupils, such bright colors, such hot temperature, no wonder the moths rushed towards it desperately even if it was wiped out.

I think this is the end.

In April of the tenth year of Emperor Chongshun of the Great Yan Dynasty, the Fuyao Hall of Zihuan Garden was flooded, and the virtuous son Yang Juntian died in the fire.Emperor Chongshun was deeply saddened, and buried him richly with the ceremony of the official palace.

By the time this news spread throughout Yan Kingdom in the form of the emperor's list, I had already been escorted to the Wuxie Clan by people from Piaomiao Palace.At this time, the Wuxie tribe has re-prospered, the villages are spreading in the mountains, and the population is gradually prospering.The old patriarch was too old, and they elected a new patriarch, who cultivated fields on the hillside and grazed cattle and sheep on the grassland every day.

They were very happy about my arrival, and they called me every day.No matter what I said, they refused to change their words, and in the end I gave up and let them go.

I live alone in a thatched hut across a stream from Wuxie Village.A tree of camellias bloomed in front of the window, the pink color looked soft and delicate, and a faint fragrance stuck between the sleeves.Occasionally, the children in the village would come to me to play. I taught them how to play basketball, rolled on the grass with them, and watched the passing clouds above their heads, changing their strange shapes.

Day by day, sometimes I feel that I have forgotten, but sometimes I still wake up from the dream with tears on my face.I believe that one day everything will pass, and one day I will wait until the Tengu eclipse the moon.Now I only live for this purpose, no longer rely on anyone, no longer love anyone.Live only for myself.

Even if you really can't wait, if you can do this, go out every day to grow vegetables, sit by the stream to catch fish, watch the clouds in the sky, and walk on without joy or sorrow, it is not a kind of happiness.

In the end, everyone is alone.Even if there is a lover by my side, to the end of life, there is still only myself.

I am not afraid of anything anymore.

A year later, a small disturbance still occurred.That day, Zhu Ran was hunting on the grassland with some attendants, and somehow he came near the Wuxie tribe.I don't know what kind of mentality he has, but he suddenly decided to take a look at this miserable tribe that was once caught in the middle of the war between Yan and Qi.

So Zhu Ran and I met again.He is still in brocade clothes and sable hat, riding high on a white horse, looking unparalleled in appearance.

When he saw me, he was taken aback, and he didn't come back to his senses for a long time.

I invited him to sit in my house and he kept staring at me like I was an alien.

I poured him a cup of tea and said with a smile, "Why do you always look like you've seen a ghost?"

He quickly withdrew his gaze, a slight embarrassment appeared on his usually stern face, "I thought you were dead."

"You are still so well-informed about the news about Yan Kingdom." I shook my head tut-tut, "Are you still thinking about invading our country?"

"Originally, I wanted to take down the country of Yan, and it was also to fulfill my father's wish. But now that he has left, I am not very keen on war."

I took a sip of hot tea and asked him, "Is your father also in love with Du Qian?"

He was a little surprised, "How did you know?"

"Guess." According to the biography of the parachutist, Du Qian was once captured by Emperor Qi Guo, but miraculously survived.I thought that the members of Du's family seemed to be a system of heartthrobs, so I made a wild guess, but I didn't expect to be right.

He sighed slightly, "For Du Qian's sake, King Father agreed to cease military service with Yan State. I never thought that the emperor of Yan State would love him so much. So he always wanted to take down Yan State, except to seize more land , but also to avenge my lover."

I laughed, "Your father seems to be a lover too."

"Love is something that hurts people."

"What about you? You clearly captured Zhao Yanshu back then, but why did you lose out of nowhere? Also, you said that you wanted me to be your concubine, so you probably didn't mean it?"

He froze for a moment, and then his cheeks flushed slightly.

I held my cheeks with great interest, "Could it be...you are actually looking at Zhao Yanshu?"

In the end, he was even more embarrassed, deliberately put on a cold face, and said casually, "I used to live in the palace of the Yan Kingdom when I was young, learning the culture and etiquette of your Yan Kingdom, and I got to know him at that time. I admit...I have a crush on him...I once told him...that I would let him be my princess..."

I immediately burst out laughing.I really can't imagine the little emperor being his concubine...

"As a result, he became the emperor, so you just conquered his country so that you could marry him as a princess, right?"

"It's mainly for my father's wish!"

"Okay, for your father's wish..." I kept teasing him, but he still looked sullen.It's really strange, why didn't I find him so interesting before?

However, now it seems that I am really far away from their stories. They themselves are a complete circle, but I am just an outsider from beginning to end.No one has ever loved me, but I fell in love with someone in the circle by mistake, so in the end, there is only the ending of being a lonely family and a widow.

I thought, I was probably a chess player who accidentally dropped a chess piece on the board when playing chess. It was just an impossible mistake to recover, so in order to save the overall situation, I had to be the extra one.

Thinking about it this way, the constant pain in my heart intensified a bit.

After that visit, Zhu Ran would visit every few months, and we gradually became friends.It's just that we didn't talk about how I appeared in the Wuxie tribe from the beginning to the end.

In the winter of the third year of the Wuxie clan, I suddenly started vomiting blood.The patriarch personally came to treat me, brought a lot of bad-smelling herbs, and held some witchcraft ceremony for me, singing and dancing around me, tossing a lot.I looked at their worried looks, but thought it was funny. I wasn't in a hurry, but they were already in such a hurry.

After the winter passed, the condition became more serious in the spring.The feeling of heartache is getting stronger and stronger, and sometimes I can't sleep all night.In order to divert my attention, I started to paint on the wall, and I found that when I focused on painting, I forgot the feeling of pain, as if the whole person had entered another world, and even this body did not exist.

The frequency of vomiting blood is increasing, and the time of sleeping is getting longer and longer.I don't know what disease it is.The elders of the Wuxie tribe said that it was a heart-burning disease, probably a disease caused by worrying and worrying in the heart, and it was the same as depression.But I'm not depressed at all, I should eat and drink, I have nothing to do with the little kids, I don't look like a depressed patient.

However, I think, probably I really can't wait until the Tengu Eclipses the Moon.

Strangely, I didn't feel any fear or sadness.I think my father should also be taken care of by my aunt and his family there, which is probably more reliable than taking care of me personally.And the world here is even more intact, there is no place that needs me anymore.

I thought, if one day I disappeared, not even a single leaf would be affected.This world and that world will continue to rise and fall, year after year.

Occasionally, I would also wonder if the little emperor would think of the basket I tied to the tree when he saw the ginkgo tree.At this time, I will take out the birth jade pendant that the little emperor gave me, and caress carefully the wild geese flying on it.I don't know whether this birth jade pendant was given to him by Du Qian or by the late emperor, but he is willing to give me either of these two pieces. I think it is an affirmation that I like him so hard, right?

In fact, he was not mean to me.

When I met Zhu Ran for the last time, I couldn't stand up anymore.It was a fine day and I was sitting on a deck chair outside the house basking in the sun.

He quietly appeared beside me with his erhu.

"I heard you were sick," he said.

I smiled at him and opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out.He looked at me with sad eyes, and I saw my reflection in his cold eyes, pale and haggard, even my lips had no color, it was so ugly.

He sat beside me silently, and silently held my hand that was exposed outside the quilt.

"Actually, Zhao Yanshu's queen passed away a year ago. You can return to him if you want. Why torture yourself like this?" He whispered.

Of course, I have heard the news of Du Ruo's death.But strangely, I didn't come up with any ideas.

So, I smiled and shook my head.

"Actually, Du Ruo has been in poor health since I was studying in Lujing. From what I know about Zhao Yanshu, he must know that Du Ruo's life is not long, so he wants to give him a title before he dies. He didn't mean to betray You. You endured so much suffering for him, why did you give up so easily? If you want, I can send an envoy to take you back. As long as you go back, you will be fine."

This is the longest sentence he has spoken since I met him, right?I am grateful to him, but he doesn't understand, and I have no strength left.

I don't even have the strength to go home, he is too hot, I can't bear it anymore.

Now, I am very satisfied.I have hurt so many people, this is the bitter fruit I should bear.

I grinned, cleared my throat, looked at him and said, "I want to hear Caiwei."

He was stunned for a while, and finally said nothing, just sighed leisurely, and took out his erhu.

Amidst the melodious music, I was in a trance and returned to the way I first met the little emperor back then.I crouched at his feet, and as soon as I looked up, I saw his radiant smile. Since then, I have become a captive of that smile, and I will fall into reincarnation forever, beyond redemption.

Picking Wei and picking Wei, Wei also stops.Returning is returning, and there is no end to age.

The road is slow, carrying thirst and hunger.My heart is sad, I don't know my sorrow.

In the dark, the ginkgo tree has new green leaves, and I see them all smiling at me.Wen Feng, Xiang Li, Ouyang Qi, Lian Mo.They ran under the ginkgo tree, smiling so beautifully, so happy, like the sunshine in April and May, without any sadness.

I think, am I finally forgiven?