Plan carefully

"An Ran, do you know you have heart disease?"

Xiao Li's words confused me, I reacted for a long time, and finally nodded, "Now I understand."

There's nothing I can't understand, I have a mother with congenital heart disease.What I don't understand is that I haven't realized that I still have such a disease for so many years. I have never had an attack before. I know that when I am too emotional, I will sweat and be out of breath, but I have never had a heart attack. I thought about this aspect.

The doctor told me that according to this examination and the fact that I have never had an attack before, this genetic condition is not very serious, and told me to pay attention to self-cultivation, not to have violent mood swings, and to maintain a good mood.

I have been familiar with these words for a long time. I used to hear the same words every time I went to the hospital with my mother, but I didn't expect that the person who was told this time would be me.

I found myself accepting it very calmly, and of course, I couldn't think of anything I couldn't accept, not to mention that the doctor said it wasn't serious.When I was discharged from the hospital the next day, my uncle insisted on taking me to live in his house, but I refused to do so. He had no choice but to drive me back to the newly rented house.

Someone called him on the way, and it seemed that he was in a hurry again. My uncle sent me downstairs and drove away.

I sat on the bench next to the green belt for a long time.Looking around, you can still see some joy left after the Spring Festival, couplets at the door, grilles on the glass windows, and even a few private cars parked on the side of the road with "safety all the way" stickers... Spring Festival After a while, my mother was still in the hospital in Beijing. At that time, I was devastated all day long. The fireworks in the capital on the [-]th night accompanied me all night. At that time, he was standing beside me.

I was a little dazed, this world seemed so real, the parting not long ago should be a dream, right?

Then I ran upstairs as fast as I could, opened the door and rushed into the bedroom.At that moment, my heart sank quickly, sinking infinitely...

Everything that belonged to Mu Yu was gone, and the house was as clean as if I had been the only one there.

I opened all the cabinets, drawers, and rummaged, but there was not even a sock or a piece of paper. I ran to Yang Xiaofei's room and only found a few magazines and half a bag of melon seeds.

Did you still have dinner together yesterday?

I took out my mobile phone and dialed Mu Yu's number, turned off the phone, then called Yang Xiaofei's number, and turned off the phone.For a moment, I was terrified, I didn't wake up from yesterday's nightmare, I was still in the nightmare, desperate.

Lying on the bed on my back, I closed my eyes, and a faint breath floated into my nose from the bed sheet. I tried hard to distinguish it, only wanting to find the slight bitter taste.

After many days, I was finally able to stop taking a pill to calm my mind before going home.More days later, when I couldn't find Mu Yu by email, QQ, phone calls, text messages, and all the ways I could think of, I finally admitted that I had lost him.He has lost so much for me, and in the end, he was lost by me.

This realization almost destroyed all my support, I felt like a balloon that would float away at any time, and the only person holding me was my mother on the hospital bed.

After returning to work, I was still at the front desk.President Wang was transferred to be the vice president of the S city branch, and was promoted to a higher level, and the position of the deputy manager was taken by another colleague of mine. I haven't been to work for three months. Will the position still be reserved for me?The kind thing is that the unit treated me as personal leave for the three months when I was not at work, and paid the minimum subsidy that should be paid every month, and even paid me a 60.00% bonus at the end of the year.I don't know whether my uncle or Xiao Li helped me fight for these things. I don't know what my colleagues think about me and talk about me. I don't have that kind of thought at all.Looking at this thick money, my reaction was very strange.I vomited until my mouth was filled with the bitter taste of bile.

Wu Yue insisted on moving here to live with me. He said he was bored by himself. Anyway, my house is big and I can pay half the rent less.Know that he means well.He came to me that day and found me sitting on the floor looking at my ledger.I told him that we broke up and what happened at the time, and he was dumbfounded.After a long time, he pulled me up from the ground and said, 'I'll move here tomorrow'.

Later he told me that my appearance almost frightened him to death at that time, my face was deathly pale, my forehead was covered with sweat, and my body was cold.He didn't even have any expression when he was talking, and his fingers turned over the notes like a zombie, it was like a hell in broad daylight.

I smiled and said nothing... There is no need for him to be like this. I know that I am in a bad state, very bad, but nothing will happen to me. If something happens to me, who will take care of my mother.I just can't get back to my senses, maybe he doesn't understand, that kind of weird feeling of being broken but not feeling pain.

Wu Yue said, An Ran, you can cry if you want to, I won't laugh at you.

I shook my head, I don't think I have the right to cry.

Xiao Li still takes good care of me, and will take me out to eat from time to time, just to eat and talk about the work of the unit.She often feels a little guilty towards me, maybe because she thinks that I will blame her on Mu Yu.In fact, she didn't know, and I didn't mean it at all.I don't blame anyone for things getting to this point, only myself.She told me about her parents' grievances, why they divorced, why she took her mother's surname... I would also respond with a couple of words, "What are you doing in this little corner of ours? The head office Isn’t the life of drinking tea and reading newspapers more suitable for you? Don’t you think it’s dark?” She was silent for a while, nodded, and then said with a wry smile, “Anran, you really are the kind of person who doesn’t make yourself comfortable and doesn’t make others comfortable.”

Why did she stay in this small corner? If she doesn't tell me, I don't know.Anyway, whatever the reason, it doesn't make a difference to me.Although she said I made her uncomfortable, she kept asking me out for dinner.

One time when I was eating noodles at a noodle shop, she mentioned the person who replaced me as the deputy manager of the accounting management department, and said that he must have made the photo, and then she made a lot of specious inferences, and I chewed I was in a daze while eating noodles, that incident meant nothing to me, and I didn't listen to it at all.Suddenly I saw a very familiar figure through the glass, and my whole body was shocked. Is he still in this city?I put down my chopsticks and rushed out of the noodle shop in a few steps, ignoring Xiao Li's shout.In the bustling pedestrian street with people coming and going, I ran towards that person like crazy. After catching up, I grabbed his arm. When the person turned around, he saw a strange face.I was scolded a few times for being crazy, and when the man disappeared, I still stood like petrified.

The better point is that no matter whether my mother is in the hospital or she is discharged from the hospital and recuperating at home, I go home almost every time off work. I have to go back. I want to see my mother, touch her, and feel The meaning of my existence, otherwise, the emptiness in my heart will torture me to death sooner or later, and I will float like a bubble until it shatters.Mother started to ask me why Mu Yu didn't come back together, and I said he was busy. Later, she always asked, I had no choice but to say that Mu Yu didn't work in L City anymore, and he went to other cities with the construction team.It's not a lie, he probably did go to another city. After we broke up, I never saw him in L City again.Mother looked at me and said after a long time, "I still have one sleeve to knit his sweater..."

I said yes, when you finish weaving, I will send it to him.

Sometimes I really hate it, why are you so honest, Mu Yu?If you don't contact me, don't contact me, just disappear out of thin air.Not giving me any buffer, not giving me any clues.Every day I hold the jade beans you gave me in my hand to fall asleep. The first thing I feel when I wake up is the cold pain in my heart.Wu Yue woke me up from the nightmare several times and silently waited for dawn with me.

I have to check the flow of Mu Yu's card every day, although it has not changed.Later, I notified him by text message that his card was activated, and left my own mobile phone number, so I would know if there was any change in the money in his card.This is very convenient, I have a copy of his ID card and his account password, and I can do all related business.In fact, I just need any clues to guess what he is doing. I feel that the sweet past recorded in those ledgers is becoming more and more unreal. I want to be sure that he once existed and continues to exist.Unfortunately, I only received four text messages in one year, all of which were interest automatically credited to the account when the interest was settled at the end of the quarter.

I spent a whole year stuck in the fog and couldn't get out.In retrospect, the only thing that is clear is a kind of viscous hopelessness and a terrible emptiness. Normal life became a burden for me to pull all my heart to deal with. I was pushed forward and couldn't stop. ,endless.I thought it was going to be like this forever.

It was later discovered that no, no matter how big the wound is, there will be a day when it heals.When I woke up that day, the account book was still in my arms, and I was surprised to find that I didn't feel the heartache that should happen at this time, but I was a little tired.

At that time, I thought, time is really good medicine, even I who lost Mu Yu can gradually get better.Later, I felt that the improvement was obvious. Gradually, I was able to eat three meals a day normally. Wu Yue, who had been cautious all the time, dared to joke with me. My colleagues would occasionally go out to sing or something. Mother said some witty words, I think I may really recover, I think I'm just about to recover.

One day when I was on duty at noon, Sister Cao brought me lunch from outside. I took it and looked at it and then pushed it back. Sister Cao didn’t understand. I said, "I don't eat sesame seeds." Sister Cao said, "Fart, you used to eat sesame seeds instead of sesame seeds." I was puzzled, "When?" Sister Cao looked at me, her face turned pale suddenly, worried "An Ran, are you alright?"

I smiled and cursed back, "You are the only one who is sick!"

When the seasons change, I usually like to go out to the clothing store and buy two pieces of clothes that are suitable for the season.Wu Yue was with me that day, he was fatter, he was very envious of me as he saw that whatever I wore would suit me.I picked and laughed at him, "Aren't you humiliating yourself when you buy clothes with me?" I found a shirt and took it to the checkout. Bought one."

"Huh? Is it different?"

"Same, basically the same." Wu Yue said affirmatively, "And it's no different from the one you're wearing, right? They're all cotton plaid..."

"I just like this style the most, don't you understand, it's called British style." I took out the card and handed it to the cashier.

"What British style, with younger siblings..." Wu Yue muttered for a while and suddenly stopped, staring at me, tightened my arms, and asked nervously: "Anran... are you okay?"

"It's okay!" I can't have anything, I think.

Xiao Li stole it from home. It is said that the price of Pu’er is sky-high. He was stingy and gave me a small bag. I really have never drank such a good Pu’er tea. , asked Sister Cao to ask for a pinch of brown sugar to put in the tea, and Xiao Li was furious when she saw it, "An Ran, you are ruining things, do you know that? Who drinks tea with brown sugar, you are confinement ?” I replied instinctively, “Isn’t this good for the stomach?”

"What's wrong with your stomach? If you have a problem, take stomach medicine. I have it here." Xiao Li said, and really opened the drawer to take out a box of medicine.

Looking at the medicine box, I was in a trance for a while.I only know that there used to be a similar sweet and warm Pu-erh tea fragrance that made me addicted. At that time, this tea fragrance still had an aftertaste of happiness and tranquility.

……

Finally one day, Wu Yue took out the book in my hand and threw it on the ground, shook my shoulder vigorously, and called me with red eyes, "Anran, wake up? Can you wake up?"

"What's the matter? Wu Yue, why are you crazy?" I looked up dissatisfied, and the water in his eyes fixed me.

"Am I crazy? Can I be as crazy as you? Why are you looking at Ben Jiangong's pictures for nothing? After reading it all night, can you understand it?"

I pulled his hand away, got out of bed and picked up the book, "Does it matter if you understand it or not?"

Wu Yue squatted down, as if he was afraid of scaring me, and said in a very small voice, "You are An Ran, do you remember? You are An Ran. The one who likes blue and white plaid shirts and doesn't like to talk when he eats, read this construction work book." The person who knows the picture is not you..."

"Who is that?" I looked at Wu Yue, feeling the pain waking up from under every inch of my skin, and my body began to shatter.

Wu Yue stared at me and didn't speak for a long time, then he suddenly covered his eyes, pulled my clothes, and begged: "Don't do this, An Ran, don't do this."

I wanted to say something, but I couldn't say anything, a bone-piercing cold moment surrounded me, I could only tremblingly pick up the medicine bottle from the table, pour out the pills, and throw them into my mouth.

"I know, Wu Yue, I'm fine." I comforted the person sitting on the floor, "I'm not crazy, I know very well that the person who doesn't eat mung beans, doesn't know how to use keyboard shortcuts, and doesn't take taxis is not me, that one It's not me who adds sugar to the tea, chops fried vermicelli into pieces, and irons the shirt after washing... I know it all...but Wu Yue, I really can't stand it..."

More than a year, no news.

Even if it is a little bit of news, let me know that you are still alive!Just like that, there is no news, all the messages sent have disappeared, the phone is always turned off, and QQ is always dark...

When the heavy thoughts overwhelm me, I will think, forget it, just forget it for a while.Then slowly, I habitually suppressed the thoughts I had just started, and used various other things. Later, I found that I really didn’t think about it any more, but, without the thoughts, I became more empty. Subconsciously assume that he has not left, he is by my side, what will happen to him in this matter, what will happen to him in that matter, and even unconsciously overlap myself with him, those expressions are used to, I don’t know if it’s me or him Yes, but in the end, I am still me, I am not schizophrenic, I am just me, in the dead of night, I am soberly enduring the bone-destroying loneliness, depicting his appearance over and over again in the void, the face that cannot be cast , so tender...

"Wu Yue, you don't understand, you don't know how much I miss him...every moment..."

Wu Yue wiped his face, stood up from the ground and sat next to me, he thought for a long time, and said: "You go to him! I think if this continues, you will really go crazy..."

"No, not yet." I shook my head.Go to him, from the first day I broke up, I thought so, but, I went to him, what should my mother do.

There's only one way, I'll find another way to earn enough money to support her.

In the past year, my money was basically spent on my mother's medical expenses, and now I just have a little surplus on hand.

I asked Wu Yue, if there is no project to invest in, or to do some business together, I don't want to stay here anymore, I want to leave on my own.

Wu Yue scratched his head, "I have to inquire about this investment project for you. Doing business requires a long-term plan. From now on, cheer up, don't be nervous, and do your job dutifully. There is news I'll let you know right away."

I nodded in agreement.

Mu Yu said, I am fine, and he has always loved me.These words supported me and made me dare not not be strong.

But, not long after I settled down, something happened to me again.