one way street

On November 22, [-], the weather was cloudy and cold.

It was a holiday yesterday, and I didn't see Ke Nian all day, and I felt a little empty in my chest.

I told this to Ah Bao today, and Ah Shi laughed and said that I was hopeless, I loved Ke Nian, and life would definitely be difficult in the future.

Alas, don't talk about the future, I'm in a very bad mood right now.

Because I became more and more concerned about Ke Nian, as soon as his fixed arrival time was approaching, I would start to be fidgety, always pay attention to the time, and pay attention to whether every guest who came was him, if he was a few minutes late, I started to think about it wildly, wondering if he hated me and didn't want to see me, that's why I didn't come, and when Ke Nian came, I was so happy that I couldn't control it, and when I met his eyes, my head was in a mess , I was so nervous that I went blank, and my heart was so fast that I thought it would fail and stop because of beating too fast.

I hate myself for being like this, what a mother, what a wimp.

But I can't solve it, I just keep repeating the same mood day after day.

Ah Shi said that he wanted me to confess to him earlier.I dare not, really dare not, I am afraid that hearing the words of refusal from his mouth, I will be heartbroken to death.

I really want to cry, why do I like Ke Nian, why does it hurt so much to like someone, as if I don’t look like myself anymore, the heart in my chest hangs on Ke Nian, because he is happy and because he is sad.

It's disgusting, it's really annoying.However, whenever I start a conversation with Ke Nian and he answers the last sentence, I feel as happy as if I have the whole world. It's happy, so happy that I can't help myself, so happy that Abao can't stand it, and calls me an idiot.

It doesn't matter, if being an idiot can make Ke Nian pay more attention to me, I will.

The diary is written here, looking back on the diary I have written in the past month, I feel really stupid and idiot, I just recorded the conversations with Ke Nian every day in a daze, and then I held the diary and repeated it over and over again before going to bed. Aftertaste.

I've never liked someone so much that I fell in love with him, never had a person have such a profound influence on me.

I started to get scared, and I started to worry that if one day Ke Nian left my world, if one day Ke Nian stopped visiting me, if one day I broke up with Ke Nian, would I die?

I can't imagine that day coming.

Ke Nian, Ke Nian, Ke Nian.

Xiao Niannian, woo... I finally wrote it out, so embarrassing.

Xiao Niannian, I like you.

I like you very much, really like you.

I walked around the house, and the furnishings basically remained the same, except for the sofa TV in the living room and the wardrobe in the room, everything else was not much different from my impression.

I feel a little relieved.

As for work, half a year ago, my college friend and I left the firm we belonged to and started our own business. I don’t know how the scale of the firm has grown after three years?

I picked up my mobile phone and clicked on the call history. The two of them have been in contact several times in the past few days. Presumably the firm is not in danger of going bankrupt.Not knowing whether to call a friend or not, after hesitating for a while, he finally put away the phone and gave up.

Why am I suddenly losing my memory?And what happened in the past three years?I can't remember, I don't have the slightest memory.

I picked up the phone again and called my elder brother. My elder brother is serving in the hospital. Regarding my current situation, my elder brother should have a way to help me solve it.

"Hello?Ah Nian, what's wrong?Rarely do you call me. 』

"Brother, I have something to discuss with you..." I told my brother the truth about the loss of my memory, but omitted the matter of Xiang Cheng. How about looking for you?"

"Of course, but I've already left Nanbu Hospital and returned to my hometown. 』

I froze and asked, "When did it happen?"

"Two years ago.I think you've lost your memory, maybe you've forgotten all of these things too. It's okay. We'll talk about it in detail when you get home. I know a few doctors who are friendly with me in the Department of Psychology (Note). After you make an appointment, I will help you make an appointment to see a doctor and find out the cause together. 』Note: It was formerly a psychiatric department, but it was later renamed.

"Well, okay, thank you, brother."

"Thank you, what should be done.By the way, then... You even forgot Xiang Cheng? 』

Hearing the word Xiang Cheng from elder brother's mouth, I was secretly surprised, "Brother, why do you also know about me and Xiang Cheng?"

"Judging from your tone, you probably forgot Xiang Cheng. 』

The elder brother's tone sounded a little regretful.

regret what?I don't understand.

"...I have no impression of him at all, and I don't understand why I like men." I said frankly.

There is a saying that an elder brother is like a father. At home, the elder brother’s status is as lofty as that of his father. However, his father is a strict father. I seldom talk to him. Discuss with big brother.

The second brother, Ke Fan, and the eldest brother are twin brothers. They are within a few minutes of age difference. Perhaps because of the stable personality of the elder brother, it is also reassuring to discuss things with him.In contrast, the second brother has a more flamboyant temper and a bad temper. The fourth brother Ke Yang often took the blame for the second brother when he was young, and took a lot of sticks from his father.

"A Nian, don't be too harsh on Xiang Cheng, he is a good man. 』

"Brother, why are you speaking for him?"

"That's because I know that when you regain your memory, you will regret what you did and what you said. 』

"No, I wish he could get out of my house."

I heard my eldest brother sigh, "A Nian, not only I know about you and Xiang Cheng, but the whole family, including my parents, know about the relationship between the two of you. 』

Hearing this, I responded with a cold snort: "Xiang Cheng said it." I think it was probably Xiang Cheng who ran up to them with a big mouth and uttered nonsense.

『No, I think you who have lost your memory should forget about it.Half a year ago you suddenly brought him home, knelt down in front of your parents and said that you would be with Xiang Cheng for the rest of your life, and hoped they would forgive you.Although you were the one who lost his memory, I think Xiang Cheng was the one who was most injured. You remember everyone, but he is the only one who forgets him... On that night half a year ago, I talked to you About Xiang Cheng, you tell me that Xiang Cheng is a fool who likes to force a smile...』

After a few false responses, I hung up the phone, not daring to chat with my elder brother any longer.

It is undeniable that after listening to the elder brother's words, my mood was obviously disturbed, and I couldn't express my chest tightness and upset.

stuffy?For that idiot Xiang Cheng?

No, absolutely not, impossible.I strongly deny it in my heart.I've only known him for so long, and he's not qualified... not qualified enough to affect my mood because of him.

Forced to put my mind on the TV, the news came to an end and the advertisement entered. I picked up the potato chips and the remote control that I had thrown on the table just now, and turned the channel indiscriminately.

I don’t know which channel it was turned to, but the boy on the advertisement was inexplicably familiar, and if I took a closer look, wasn’t that Xiang Cheng who had annoyed me for a long time in the morning?He is an entertainer?He seemed to have mentioned that he was an actor in the morning.

Holding the remote control, I hesitated for a few seconds to switch channels, but I couldn’t press the switch button. My body didn’t seem to be mine, it seemed to have my own consciousness, and my eyes forced me to stare at the TV screen.

This is an insurance advertisement, the content is about the family relationship between father and son. It runs through the whole play from the perspective of the father. The picture starts from the birth of the child, and the father hugs the child and smiles happily. In a blink of an eye, the son is five years old, and the father teaches the little boy to ride a bicycle. When he fell down, he encouraged him to stand up bravely like a man. In the next second, the little boy became a big boy. The boy formed a band with his friends because of his love of music. The father and son had a quarrel, and the father slapped the boy in anger and slapped him. Shouting "get out", the boy ran away from home in anger, and never came home again.

A few years later, the boy became famous and sent the concert ticket to his father. The father wept excitedly while holding the ticket. On the day of the concert, his father was in a car accident on the way to the concert, and the bloody father collapsed on the ground. On the steering wheel, holding tightly the ticket sent to him by his son who has been away from home for six years, when he swallowed his last breath, he monologues: "If I have a little more time, I want to say to my son, I'm sorry, I want to talk to him Said, I love him more than the whole world, he is the proudest son in my life..."

The boy role is played by Xiang Cheng, several screen cuts, the indignation and incomprehension when arguing with his father, the unrestrained and unrestrained attitude of holding a guitar, the desolation and disappointment of looking at the empty seats during the concert, and the last scene was brought to him to see When my father died, he had a nervous breakdown, knelt on the ground and cried bitterly, and said in his heart: "If I had a little more time, I would like to say to my father, I am sorry, and I want to tell him that my achievements exist because of him. The most important relative in my life..." This scene shook me inexplicably, I felt my scalp tingling and my body covered in goosebumps.

I don't know why, but I think he will be popular, absolutely.

Only a few dozen commercials can bring out the deepest shock and emotion in people. This kind of acting skill is beyond the interpretation of ordinary people.

It turns out that Xiang Cheng is not useless.

More than ten minutes after the commercial ended, my mood still hasn't calmed down.

The emotional rendering force released by Xiang Cheng was too strong, and there was an inexplicable turmoil in his heart. A strange but familiar feeling climbed up his chest. I touched my heart, full, and a certain emotion filled my chest. What does it feel like?indescribable.

After staying in the living room for a whole morning, I went to the study to take a law book and returned to the living room, turning the pages of the book.

In the afternoon, Xiang Cheng called, his tone sounded very nervous, "Nian...Ke Nian, where are you?"Are you still at home? 』

I didn't speak, half of the reason was that I was too lazy to talk to him.

"Ke Nian, why are you silent?Is something wrong, read, you wait for me, I will rush home right now! 』

I rolled my eyes, annoyed at his needless nervousness, "I'm fine."

"Huh, I was scared to death, I thought..."

"Why are you calling?" I interrupted him bluntly, not wanting to listen to his nonsense anymore.

"...It's actually fine. 』

"Since it's fine, I'll hang up." I said coldly.

"read--"

I pressed the call end button without hesitation and threw the phone aside.

Not long after, the phone rang again, and I saw that it was Xiang Cheng again.

It's annoying enough.

The connection is not connected, just press it.

In less than a second, it rang again.I stared at the phone hard, what on earth is he trying to do?

Stretch out your index finger and press it off.

Later, it rang several times, and finally I pressed all of them off!He was so angry that he almost didn't set him to refuse to answer the user.

The mobile phone finally quieted down, but I was glad that it was finally quiet, but I also felt a strange sense of loss...

Bah, bah, bah, what a loss, impossible!

I tucked my phone into the sofa, out of sight and out of sight.

After flipping through a few pages of the law book, I felt a little uneasy. I couldn't help but took out my phone again, and after looking at it, Xiang Cheng didn't call again. I was a little blocked, and my anger suddenly rose.

Good job, Xiang Cheng, but I just hung up on you a few times and then I froze!If you don't fight, don't fight, I don't care!

I turned off the phone angrily, and then threw the phone on the table. In fact, I wanted to smash the phone against the wall.

I flipped through several pages irritably, but I couldn't read the words in the book into my head.

What's wrong with me?Just because Xiang Cheng didn't call?

Crazy, absolutely crazy.I scratched my hair, forced myself to calm down, took a few deep breaths, and with the inhalation and exhalation, the annoying irritability was slowly relieved.

I bent over to retrieve the phone, turned it on, and instead of calling Xiang Cheng, I called my friend, He Shan.

I don't know how to explain my current situation to He Shan, so I just briefly explained that I have to go home for two or three days. The office may not be able to deal with it. He Shan's personality is similar to that of my elder brother.Calm and steady, after listening to what I said, he said that he understood that he didn't have to worry about the affairs of the office, he could handle it by himself.

I breathed a sigh of relief, hung up the phone, went back to my room to pack my luggage, and prepared to go home for a while.

Carrying the luggage back to the living room, I wanted to leave directly, but suddenly remembered Xiang Cheng's lonely expression before going out, no matter what, he couldn't help but leave heartily.

Sitting in the living room waiting for the door, until the sunset, I heard the metal sound of keys colliding.

Xiang Cheng walked in, I raised my eyes and gave him a cold look.

"Are you back now?"

"Nian, are you waiting for me?" Xiang Cheng said happily, sweeping the tiredness off his face.

"Think too much." I bluntly poured cold water on him.

"I'm going home," I said.

"Ah, where are you going?" He asked.

"Go back to my house."

He seemed to understand what I said, and suddenly rushed to me, shouting: "Now?"

I couldn't help but take a few steps back, "Why are you so close?"

"why?"

I frowned in annoyance, "Where do you have so many questions? It's not compulsory for me to report my whereabouts to you, let alone accept your aggressive questioning."

"I'm not aggressive..." He muttered in a low voice, unfortunately, I heard it.

I glanced coldly, "Do you dare to question my words?"

As if stung by a bee, he hurriedly waved his hands, "Don't dare, just say yes."

I snorted, "It's over, I'm leaving." I lifted my luggage, and the next second my wrist was pulled.

I wasn't surprised to be pulled, I knew he didn't just let me go.

"Let go." I lowered my voice.

"I'll go back with you, and I haven't seen Xiaoyang, Xiaoye and the others for a long time..."

"No." I refused bluntly.

"Why?" he exclaimed.

"Because you are not from my family." This guy is really thick-skinned. If you take him back, you will definitely be questioned by Ke Yang, and the strange eyes of my father and mother. Where did I go back then? The courage to bring Xiang Cheng home, and not afraid of death to announce my relationship with him?It was simply challenging Abba's bottom line.

The first person to bring a same-sex lover home was the eldest brother, who was Ke Ye’s college classmate named Ah Cang. At that time, the eldest brother was punished to kneel in front of the hall of the gods, and his father beat him angrily with a broom, and finally One broom was scrapped, if it wasn’t for my mother’s heartache, hugging my eldest brother, my father would probably have destroyed two brooms, my father saw that my mother would sacrifice her life to protect her children, and she couldn’t beat her right now, so she was so angry that she walked away. Back home, my mother almost cried and went blind because of her elder brother.

I guess that night half a year ago, I also came here like this.

Father and mother are old people with traditional concepts. They can never understand why men like the same sex. They think that homosexuality is caused by demons (ghosts). Therefore, the elder brother was once arrested by the mother and taken to the temple to scare him.

It's just that after being shocked, the eldest brother still loves A Cang very much.

I looked at Xiang Cheng, and when I finished saying that, there was sadness in Xiang Cheng's eyes.

I froze for a moment, feeling an inexplicable pain in my chest.

Did I—hurt him?

The sadness came quickly and quickly, I blinked, and Xiang Cheng immediately returned to his original expression, it seemed that I was just wrong.

Xiang Cheng lowered his head, I couldn't see his expression now, I felt a cloud over his head, "Okay, since you said that... I'll take you to the car."

He didn't speak again afterward, not even in the car.

Such a dull atmosphere made me a little breathless, clutching the handbag tightly, my palms were sweating.

I don't want to take the initiative to show weakness, let alone initiate a conversation with him, and I don't think there is anything wrong with me.

He was not from Ke's family, so he went to join in the fun. It was a joke, and I didn't go home for vacation. I was the one who lost three years of memory for no reason. I was the real victim, poor man It's also me, he won't understand the flustered mood that I can't figure out what to do now.

He doesn't understand anything, he just messes around and plays with his childish temper willfully, what the hell is going on, I should be the one who should be angry.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, and my complexion became worse, and I became more convinced that I was not wrong at all.

After arriving at the station, as soon as the car stopped, I opened the door and got out of the car. Xiang Cheng in the driver's seat obviously wanted to say something. He slammed the door shut angrily with all his strength.

Get out of my sight, Xiang Cheng.