one way street

On December [-], [-], the weather was cold.

The weather has changed, and the news is that this year is the coldest winter in 20 years.

I heard that it is snowing in Hehuan Mountain and Yushan Mountain.

The temperature outside is like my mood at the moment, extremely cold.

Tears fell, I cried several times today, Ah Bao was very loyal enough to accompany me to get drunk after get off work, I drank a dozen beers in total, but I couldn’t get drunk no matter how much I drank, Ke Nian’s face still lingered In my head, lingering.

Today, I, Xiang Cheng, fell out of love.

It’s okay to fall in love, I always fall in love, but...but this time it’s different, it’s really different, I found that my liking for Ke Nian was beyond my expectations, when Ke Nian said “disgusting and perverted” , I felt like my world collapsed in that instant.

I looked at Ke Nian, watched him frown, and watched him show disgust.

It turns out that it is so easy to destroy a person, and it turns out that to make a person despair, all you need is a word "abnormal" and a facial expression.

I am in so much pain, why do I have to be so humble and have no self-esteem when I like someone?

Ke Nian, he probably won't come to the store again, right?Forget it, that's fine, you won't feel uncomfortable if you can't see it, and you won't think of the embarrassment you suffered today.

What a shame, what a shame.I really want to cry a lot, to vent my depression and suffocation.

This should be my last diary entry, and I probably won’t have a chance to write it again in the future.

Ke Nian, thank you for giving me the opportunity to fall in love with you unrequitedly for two months and seventeen days.

I won't hang on to you anymore, I won't have delusions about you that I shouldn't have, and I won't lose my mind because you didn't come to the store.

Thank you for giving me a complete Xiang Cheng.

Goodbye, Ke Nian.

It was around ten o'clock in the evening when I returned to my hometown in the central part.

The memory has been cut off for three years, and the appearance of the family does not seem to have changed. My father is still strong and strong, and my mother is not to mention, but there are a few more wrinkles on her face.

The time to come back was just right, the second brother also happened to return home from vacation, the family of eight gathered together for a reunion, plus the other half of the eldest brother, Ah Cang, and the second brother's lover Wei Heng.

Just as I put my luggage on the living room table to catch my breath, suddenly the roar of the second brother came from a distance, "Wei Heng, damn it, I told you not to run around naked when you come back here!"

"Wei Heng, you are still running, stop for me." Ke Fan's roar was like thunder, echoing in the courtyard.

Suddenly, a naked and naked teenager quickly passed through the living room from the corridor and ran to the other end.

The next second, Ke Fan also ran over from the corridor, holding clothes and towels in his hands, and when he saw me, he raised his head and asked, "Ke Nian, have you seen Wei Heng?"

Did Wei Heng mean the boy who was naked just now?I thought for a moment, then pointed to the other side of the corridor, "Run across."

"Damn it, that's the room of my father and my mother!" I saw Ke Fan yelled, and immediately ran over, "Wei Heng, come here! If I catch you, your ass will die Tighten me up!"

What is the situation?Who is that boy?

"Brother, who is that kid?" I saw my brother parked his car and walked into the living room, so I asked.

The eldest brother smiled and said, "The person Ah Fan likes is already 19 years old, not too young." The eldest brother paused, and then said, "He is different from ordinary people, so you don't need to pay attention to his weird behavior."

Not the same?Weird behavior?Does he mean running around naked?

I said "Oh", "Abba and Mom also know?"

"Yeah. Dad really likes Wei Heng, because he never knows how to play Go with Dad. Dad thinks playing chess with Wei Heng is very interesting."

After understanding, I laughed out loud.

It turns out that because the children in the family have the concept of seniority and inferiority, when they play chess with Dad, they will let him win a little bit, so Dad has always felt that playing chess with us children is not enjoyable and worthless. Now Wei Heng, who doesn't know how to release water, came, and Dad naturally thought that there was a strong opponent who could learn chess skills, so he was very happy.

While we were talking, Ke Fan caught Wei Heng and took Wei Heng's hand from the corridor to the living room. Wei Heng was dragged away half-forced and kept shaking Ke Fan's clamped palm.

"Hate, hate Ke Fan!" I saw Wei Heng yelling unhappily.

"If you hate my butt, you still want to spank it!" Ke Fan said viciously.

"No, it will hurt!"

Wei Heng has already put on his clothes, but the clothes are a little messy, probably Ke Fan put them on in a hurry.

"Why should I hit you if it doesn't hurt?"

"Ke Fan hates it!"

"If you say it again, I will hit you a few more times!"

The two walked past the living room and walked to the other end.

My house is an old-fashioned courtyard house in the shape of a ㄇ. On the right are the rooms of me, Ke Yang, Ke Ye and Ke Yin, and the bathroom. The rooms of the second brother and the eldest brother are in the middle row. The living room and the hall of the gods, the left row is the room of the father and mother, the kitchen and the storage room.

I watched the two of them walk past me with a strange expression, and when I turned around, I saw my elder brother staring at me playfully. I laughed awkwardly and said, "What are you looking at?"

"Why are you the only one coming back? What about Xiang Cheng? As far as I know, his personality shouldn't let you come back alone."

I laughed a few more times, "In T City." Unexpectedly, my elder brother could understand that guy's temperament more clearly than me.

"in argument?"

"Brother, don't ask, my friendship with him is not good enough to quarrel." The mention of the elder brother reminded me of Xiang Cheng's sad expression in the afternoon, and my chest felt tight again.

Fearing that my wise elder brother would see my inner emotions, I turned my head away and bent down to lift my luggage.

"Then what are your plans?" the eldest brother asked.

"Ah? What?"

"I said you and Xiang Cheng, do you have any plans?"

I was busy lowering my head and carrying my luggage into the room. My elder brother followed me step by step. I pretended to pack my luggage. After a while, I said, "...Probably, I will break up with him, and then move out .”

"seriously?"

"...Hmm." I responded.

The eldest brother didn't speak, and there was an eerie silence in the room for a while.

I don't know how long it took, but when I hung up all the clothes in the closet, I heard the big brother behind me say "That's it, I hope you don't insult me ​​later".

I froze for a moment, and when I turned around, the elder brother had disappeared into the room.

Regret?

can you?How can it be?

Xiang Cheng and I are nothing, not friends, let alone lovers.The former me would be in a relationship with him, it was definitely a moment of confusion, I am me, and I can naturally help the former me cut off the feelings that should not exist.

I don't know if it's because I just came back, I didn't sleep well at night, tossing and turning, I didn't fall asleep until three or four in the morning, and it was already past ten when I woke up the next day.

Brushing my teeth and washing my face with a disheveled hair, I was startled when I looked up and saw the person in the mirror. I quickly wet my fingers and combed and wiped my hair. After finishing it, it really looked much better.

Coming to the living room, the second brother Ke Fan was playing sweetly with his little lover in the living room. You shared the same cup of soy milk with each other. Ke Yang sat on the sidelines watching TV expressionlessly, as if he completely regarded them as air.

Ke Yang turned around and saw me, and said, "Third brother, your three decoctions are in the kitchen, and there is soy milk... Oh, and before going out, my elder brother said that he made an appointment for you to see a doctor in the afternoon. There is no outpatient clinic, and I will come back to take you to the hospital. Third brother, are you sick?"

"A little cold." I said lightly.

The relationship between the insomnia last night, I thought about it all night, and I still can't figure out the reason why I suddenly lost my memory. I only hope that coming back this time can help the amnesia.

While eating the boiled buns, Ke Fan walked into the kitchen to fill the water, glanced at me, and said, "Why didn't you see that follower come back?"

Now the only person in my family who knows that I have lost my three-year short-term memory is my elder brother. He didn’t deliberately hide it, but he just said that it would not help my condition.

"He's home," I said.

"Oh, he is really willing to let you come back alone." I saw Ke Fan say this with a smile.

I didn't say a word, but I didn't know what to say, so I could only take it lightly.

Not only the eldest brother and Ke Fan, but even Ke Yang mentioned Xiang Cheng just now, saying that he wanted to go fishing with him again. From Ke Yang's tone, he seemed to like him very much.

This guy Xiang Cheng actually knows how to bribe the hearts of the Ke family. Not only is the eldest brother on his side, but Ke Fan and Ke Yang also have a certain affection for him. How much effort has he put into my family?

My mood sank.

At 01:30 in the afternoon, my eldest brother drove his newly bought car home and drove me to the hospital.

It was probably due to the fact that I had to make an appointment to register first. After a while, it was my turn to enter the consultation room.

The psychosomatic doctor my elder brother knew was his college classmate. After entering, the two chatted for a few minutes before the doctor turned his attention to me.

I glanced at the famous brand, it was a psychiatrist named Zhao Chengxuan.

His appearance is just like his name, he is imposing and gentle, with rimless glasses on the bridge of his nose, he looked at me and said, "Ke Nian... um, this is your brother?"

"Yes, I roughly mentioned his condition to you on the phone."

Dr. Zhao nodded, looked at me, and said, "I know. Ke Shao said that you have lost your memory for nearly three years, but your friends around you still remember it, right?"

"Hmm." I thought for a while, and then said, "It's almost like this."

"Really?" I saw Dr. Zhao twirling the ballpoint pen fluently, and then I heard him ask again: "So, is there any important person you have forgotten? Or are there any scars on your body? Are there any discomforts? "

I hesitated, wondering whether I should tell about Xiang Cheng.

The elder brother who was silent at the side suddenly spoke: "He forgot the lover he has been with for two years."

"Brother..." I immediately looked at my brother.

"It's better to tell Chengxuan to judge your illness."

After pondering, Dr. Zhao said again: "Is there any discomfort in the body? Some people who lose their memory are caused by external trauma."

"External trauma means..."

"As long as it hits the head, this situation may happen." He patiently answered my questions.

"But my head doesn't hurt," I said.

"Then I will rule out this possibility. Well, let me explain in detail. Generally speaking, memory loss can be roughly divided into three types. The first type is that memory gradually deteriorates with age, but you are still young. I will rule out this possibility. The second is amnesia caused by an external impact on the head, so I will arrange for you to have a head CT scan later. As for the third, it is psychogenic amnesia disease."

"Psychogenicity—amnesia?"

"Yes, psychogenic amnesia, it is a kind of amnesia caused by the body's self-defense mechanism, most of the patients can't bear too strong blow damage, and the content of the event is separated and transferred to the subconscious , so it caused a recent short-term amnesia, according to your situation, I do not rule out the possibility."

After the computerized tomography scan of the brain, the inspection report will not come out in a short time. My elder brother took me home first and then went out. He still has an outpatient clinic in the evening.

I was lost in thought along the way.

According to Dr. Zhao, I seem to be suffering from what he calls psychogenic amnesia. I can't help but wonder what will hit me and even choose to escape the problem by amnesia?

I ruled out Xiang Cheng first in my heart, denying that I would never be able to get into a dead end because of feelings, let alone for a man, I think I am very strong, strong enough to resist any blow.

My head was in a mess, and when I was about to sort out today's talks, I came back to the courtyard outside my home.

My elder brother got off the car with me, and I asked suspiciously, "Eldest brother, don't you still have to be on duty?"

"It's not time yet, let's rest for a while." The eldest brother said.

I said "Oh" and followed my elder brother into the living room.

As soon as I stepped in, Ke Yang's excited voice burst out in my ears: "Third brother, big surprise! Guess who will come?" Ke Yang grinned and said to me with joy.

With a blank expression on my face, I glanced at Xiang Cheng who was at the side, and said coldly to him, "Why are you coming to my house?"

As soon as these words came out, the surrounding air suddenly became cold and dry.

I saw the smile on Xiang Cheng's face froze at the corner of his mouth, he was stunned, and then I heard him say: "I was worried about you in T City, so I ran here, I'm sorry."

I snorted coldly.

"Third brother, why do you treat Xiang Cheng with such an attitude?" Ke Yang was very dissatisfied.

"What kind of attitude do I have?" I replied.

"That's the kind of attitude!"

"It's none of your business if I use this kind of attitude? You don't care too much, do you live by the sea?" I don't know why, when I saw Xiang Cheng's face, annoyance kept rising in my heart, and anxiety .

Like a needle, it pierced and drilled at the tip of my heart continuously.

The smell of gunpowder in the air was a little bit more, Ke Yang's face changed, and when he wanted to say something, he was suddenly pulled out by his elder brother.

"Brother, why are you pulling me? Haven't you seen Ke Nian's disdainful and proud virtue? He's gone too far, why should he treat Xiang Cheng with such an attitude? Brother, let go, I must be with Ke Nian Theoretically, Dad and Mom just spoiled him, and that's why he has such a disgusting arrogant temper..." Ke Yang's complaints gradually faded away, and a series of curses could still be vaguely heard.

Very good, since this guy came, we two brothers have made a fuss, how is it now?

I take it coldly.

"Read, I..." He seemed to want to say something.

I glanced coldly, and he changed his words in a timely manner: "Ke Kenian, I'm sorry." His eyes drooped, and his voice became weaker.

"..."

I looked at him, then glanced at the sky beyond the door.

"It's still early, you go back." I said.

He was silent for two seconds, "What if I say no?"

Very well, this answer was as early as I expected, and I am not surprised.

"Even if you don't want you, you have to go back to T City, you are not welcome in my house." I issued the order to evict the guest, with sharp words.

"No." He paused and retorted, "...and Xiao Yanggang said that I'm very welcome to come."

Good, good... I took a deep breath.

I strode across the threshold of the stone steps and looked around the yard, looking for a bamboo broom to throw this uninvited guest out of the house.

"Ke Nian, what are you looking for, I'll help you find it together." Xiang Cheng followed closely behind me.

What are you looking for?I'm going to find a hammer to knock you out and drag you to bury me, out of sight and out of sight!

Looking at the guy in front of me who will never learn to give up, I am a little powerless.

It seems that Xiang Cheng won't give up until he speaks clearly.I softened my tone and said: "Xiang Cheng, I don't care what I used to be, but I don't like you, it's a fact that can't be changed. When do you want to keep pestering me? Don't make me think you are annoying. , don’t you understand the principle of good gathering and good separation?”

Xiang Cheng didn't speak anymore. He lowered his head and looked in my direction. I couldn't see his face, his expression, and I couldn't read his emotions.

I hope he can understand and stop stalking him like this. He deserves someone better, but that person won't be me.

I don't know how long it has passed, and he and I are in a stalemate, the hot sun is shining on our body, and we are covered in sticky sweat after a while.

Xiang Cheng raised his head and showed a slight smile, "Nian, I don't want to give up, because if I really give up, I will lose you forever." I understood that he was smiling, but somehow I seemed to be in his face Seeing loneliness and despair, for a moment, it seemed that something grabbed my heart, like being tightly grabbed by an eagle's claws, and my whole chest was tingling.

I couldn't speak, just looked at him quietly.

Finally, Xiang Cheng left, hunched over, carrying loneliness, and walked out of the courtyard.

I turned my face away, forced myself not to stare at his back, forced myself to suppress those sour bubbling emotions.

I don't know how he's going to go back to City T. This is a traditional village, taxis seldom pass here, and even buses run every once in a while.

I went back to the living room, restless all afternoon.

As soon as Ke Yang saw me, he shook his head and left with a hum; Ke Fan hugged his little lover, whispering love words to each other, completely ignoring me.

As the sun set, the courtyard outside was covered in a hazy yellow.

Laughter came from the courtyard, and I realized that Ke Fan and the others had left at some point, and I was in a daze all afternoon without knowing it.

Walking out of the stone-step threshold, looking for the sound of laughter, Wei Heng stood under the tree, looking up at the high place, directing his fingers upwards, "No, it's that one, that one!"

I fixed my eyes and saw that Ke Fan climbed up the carambola tree in the yard, with a happy smile on his face, he picked off a huge yellow star fruit that was already ripe, and shouted: "Little devil, catch it!"

Wei Heng clumsily caught the carambola with both hands, threw it to the washbasin on the ground, and said with bright eyes, "More!"

"You little brat, I've picked so many for you, and you're still not satisfied."

I saw the two of them immersed in their own two-person world, and suddenly, I thought of the desolate back of Xiang Cheng who had just left.

I don't know if that guy hired a taxi?

Back in the room, I wanted to use the book to calm down the disordered emotions, but I couldn't read a single word.

All my thoughts are on Xiang Cheng who was stabbed by my words in the afternoon.

What kind of magical power does that guy have to make me think about him?

Immediately, I became a little scared. This feeling was too strange, as if the whole person had fallen into the mud. I wanted to break free but couldn't break free. I could only watch myself sinking deeper and deeper, powerless.

The sun was setting quickly, and it didn't take long for the room to turn dark.

The old-fashioned range hood at home in the distance was rumbling, and my mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and she would probably call everyone out for dinner later.

Turning on the light, the sudden light made my pupils sting, I took out the mobile phone from my pocket, opened and closed the cover, but still couldn't press the call button.

Read, I don't want to give up, because if I really give up, I will lose you forever.

The words Xiang Cheng said in the afternoon magnified in my mind.

The meaning of his words seems to imply that the relationship between me and him has always been just his interaction and connection. If there comes a day when he is unwilling to pay any more, it will really be the end of me and him.

Losing the memory of these three years, I don't know what my relationship with him is all about.But at least I understand that love itself should be two-way traffic, just like a two-way road on the road, there are comings and goings, if it is just one person's unilateral contribution, it is a one-way road that is stuck in a dead end, and finally the oncoming meeting It's a dead wall.

I brushed my hair, and my thoughts were in a mess.