[Rebirth] No relatives and no friends

In the eyes of outsiders, I have always been smart, far-sighted, and independent. It seems that I can get everything I want without much effort.

No one thinks that my success needs to go all out, and no one knows that my efforts are only due to loneliness.

Like thousands of other ordinary children, I hope to find some way to attract the attention of the elders, but what I get is nothing but more praise and reassurance.

They don't know that what I want is not only material satisfaction, but also longing for someone to hug me when I cry, kiss me because they love me, and even tell me sternly when I make mistakes that this is wrong.

It's a really bad vicious circle.

When filling out the university application, I skipped the so-called popular departments and chose automation as a child's play. I wondered if someone would stop me or talk to me.

The teachers at the school contacted my parents directly, however, their answers were surprisingly unanimous: as long as the child likes it.

They forget that I am just an adult, no matter how mature I am, I still have instinctive fear and confusion about the future and destiny.

If my grandfather was still alive at that time, maybe he would not stop it, but he would definitely come to ask me why I did this.

Grandpa is a very kind old man, but unfortunately his body does not allow him to have more energy to take care of me. When I grow up and understand, I will visit him more in the intensive care unit.

We seldom talked, and we just stayed quietly in a ward most of the time. I watched him get up, eat, and do simple exercises with the help of the nurse.

I like the way my grandfather looks at me from time to time, and I also like to see his sincere smile when he finds me. It makes me feel important.

On the day my grandfather left forever, he was in a very good state of mind. He even left his wheelchair and walked a long way with me in the hospital with each other's support.

No matter how many years have passed, I still clearly remember what he said: Xiaoyun, a person’s life is too short, no matter what you encounter, don’t be too attached, if you are unhappy, even if there are 1 reasons, you must do it , You should also know how to refuse, but if one day, happiness falls into your hands, then hold on to it by all means, and never let go.

At that time, I didn't understand the melancholy in Grandpa's eyes, but I vaguely felt his separation and felt sad.

Happiness is an overly vague term that means something different to everyone.

I have always been very clear about my goal, the happiness I want: someone who cares about me all the time, loves me more than myself, and will never leave, regardless of honor or disgrace.

This person doesn't need to be smarter than me, nor does he need to be so outstanding in appearance, as long as he can find out at the first time when I feel cold, and hold my hand tightly.

I have always been too rational, but I have ignorant and unrealistic expectations for emotions. On the one hand, I resist and do not want to believe, on the other hand, I feel that my heart is so empty that it needs a person with a lot of love to fill it.

If there is such a person who only belongs to me, I think it is worth paying all the price.

It's a pity that so many people in the world spend their whole lives together, even my parents failed once before they found the person who can truly accompany them for the rest of their lives, and how can I be sure that I will meet the right person ?

Xia Ningyuan's sense of presence is not particularly strong, but I can't ignore him, he is the only one who won't see me first among a group of people.

I don't think I'm really the charming child of heaven, with a dazzling halo, but it is undeniable that thanks to the gift of my parents' genes, I can always be the most dazzling character in the crowd.

Soon, I discovered that the difference between him and others is that he has a very small heart, and he can only hold one person inside.

Xia Ning didn't know that when he was depressed, I must be the first one to notice.

At this time, he became very silent, and he still laughed, but there was no brilliance, and his eyes were a little dull.

Just like a loyal hunting dog, although it is scolded and scolded by its master, what it does is silently lick its wounds and heal itself, waiting for the opportunity to serve its master again, instead of fighting back.

He can always adjust his mentality quickly, continue to hit a wall on Yu Jin, and then repeat the same process again.

How strange it is to put almost all your energy into one person with no return and yet never give up.

In the eyes of everyone, Yu Jin's boredom is normal, while Xia Ningyuan is like an idiot.

I'm afraid I'm the only one who is inexplicably jealous of Yu Jin—if the person Xia Ningyuan is looking at is not Yu Jin, but me, how good would it be?

This kind of thinking doesn't strike me as dangerous. After all, the word homosexuality is too far away, and I have no idea about it.

The change in our relationship stemmed from an afternoon in my sophomore year.

That day was Yu Jin's birthday, Xia Ningyuan borrowed my DSLR to please Yu Jin.

It's not a happy memory.

Prior to this, the relationship between Xia Ningyuan and I was not even good. Liao Liao's several conversations were full of gunpowder. To be precise, we probably don't belong to the same world.

He didn't regard me as unattainable, but he clearly drew a line between us. It seemed that except for Yu Jin, he was quite rational.

I actually hoped to get along better with him, but I was clumsy and didn't know what to do. Every time I said something out of good intentions, it seemed to make him even more angry.

In my world, it is always others who take the initiative to show kindness, even if they are too cold, they can always get all kinds of tolerance - I don't need to know how to be tactful, because everyone thinks it should be like this.

When I ran into Xia Ningyuan, I felt an unprecedented setback.

Although I feel that he has a kind of stupidity when he blows his hair, he is not annoying, and even deliberately wants to tease him, but it is obvious that our relationship is even worse.

Xia Ningyuan must have done a lot of psychological preparation before asking me to borrow a SLR, but knowing that he came for Yu Jin, my attitude couldn't be better.

Later, I realized that if this continues, the result will only deviate further from the direction I want, so I violated what my grandfather taught me-even if it is unpleasant, but there is no need to find 1 reasons, just one , is enough to make me cringe.

Xia Ning is far from being a heartless person, he was obviously surprised that I would really agree, holding the DSLR carefully, thanking him all the time, completely forgetting the previous arguing, his face could not hide his happiness.

Although it wasn't for me, I suddenly felt that it was nice to see him with such an expression.

That afternoon I felt inexplicably tired. After lunch, I leaned on the bed to read a book and fell asleep unconsciously.

I seldom have dreams, but I just dreamed that Xia Ningyuan accidentally dropped the camera, and after returning to the dormitory, he and I had a big fight. I slammed the door and ended the farce.

After that, our relationship fell to the bottom. He tried his best to save money, called my name every day, and wanted to pay back the loss of the SLR.

I saw it all, but I never tried to save the friendship that didn't exist.

Xia Ning is far from understanding that I don't care about a camera. What really makes me angry is his attitude of defending Yu Jin.

He is a very stupid person, he can analyze that Yu Jin dropped the camera with a little insinuation, but he foolishly pretends to be a hero and says he will bear it.

Similarly, I, who rarely lost control, actually had a cold war with Yu Jin who was not in front of him at all, and I was completely stupid from beginning to end.

But at this point, it is impossible for me to bow my head, and he also has his own persistence... We really can only be people in two worlds.

That dream ended with me emigrating away.

After waking up, I felt a little depressed, and more of a joke: my father’s business in China was developing well, and he never expressed his yearning for the moon abroad. How could he immigrate suddenly?Besides, he has his own family, so how could he think of me.

It looks like a day and a night dream!

I was shocked by the fact that Xia Ningyuan's influence was already so strong, even though it was a dream, it seemed like I had experienced it once, even the melancholy and sadness in the dream were so vivid after waking up.

Although I chose to laugh off what happened in the dream, when Zhang Cheng and Liao Shijie invited me to the school gate for dinner, I didn't refuse like in the dream, but agreed by accident.

Zhang Cheng looked very surprised, but he is a very interesting person, he even said carelessly, "This is like a brother who lives in the same dormitory", and tried to come up to hook my shoulders, but Liao Shijie mocked "" "Silly Que" diverted his attention, and instead howled and rushed towards Liao Shijie.

I'm used to being alone, and it felt a bit weird to be walking with people all of a sudden, but it wasn't bad.

When I arrived at the school gate, I saw Xia Ningyuan, who was limping and in a panic.

Unlike in the dream, my DSLR was hanging on his chest properly, and it was not lost.

It's not surprising, I didn't go out of school with him in the dream, so naturally I wouldn't meet Xia Ningyuan at this point in time, maybe the old man is right, dreams are always reversed.

Perhaps because I wanted to prove that I was right, I offered him my kindness for the first time, and he accepted it.

Downstairs in the dormitory, we ran into Yu Jin, Xia Ningyuan was injured, but he didn't notice it at all...

I felt wronged for Xia Ningyuan, and I also wanted to separate them, but I didn't expect Xia Ningyuan to choose me instead of Yu Jin.

Turns out it's not that hard to change.

What happened next was like a miracle. I don't know what unpleasantness happened between Xia Ningyuan and Yu Jin, but Yu Jin remained the same as before, but Xia Ningyuan quickly alienated him.

At the same time, Xia Ningyuan showed great affection for me, and became extremely patient when talking to me, always understanding the meaning behind my clumsy words.

As for me, I seem to be becoming more and more unable to control myself being influenced by him. Whenever I get closer, my heart beats faster, which is even more intense than in track and field events. .

For such a change, I feel a little apprehensive, but more joy that cannot be concealed. Sometimes I would sleep on the bed and listen to the movement of Xia Ningyuan turning over in the lower bunk, and I would laugh silently.

I had a hunch that for the first time, what I wanted was actually possible.

Soon, without Xia Ningyuan's "food protection", Yu Jin and Xiao Yi had a fierce fight-in fact, they had been in contact for a long time. Think more.

If it wasn't for my reminder during the elective class, Xia Ningyuan must not have noticed it yet.

I admit that I have bad intentions. Apart from wanting to know Xia Ningyuan's true thoughts, I also have an emotion that I don't even know.

When I said the phrase "me too", I wasn't even sure if it was that kind of feeling, but subconsciously I told myself, even if it wasn't, as long as I can keep Xia Ningyuan, there is nothing wrong with it.

In the eyes of everyone, Xia Ningyuan was hit by a pie falling from the sky, and he was treated differently by me, but I know that I am the lucky one.

I am not as inhuman as others imagine, I will also be jealous, malicious, and unscrupulous. Without my existence, maybe the relationship between Xia Ningyuan and Yu Jin would not become so cold in the end.

And helping Yu Jin is because I need to let Xia Ningyuan understand that for him, I can hold back nothing, even if the object is an existence that makes me feel stuck in my throat.

Many times, I'm not very clever, and I can't even restrain my displeasure at Xia Ningyuan still caring about Yu Jin.

Fortunately, Xia Ningyuan is a considerate and tolerant person. Moreover, he obviously likes my "truthful expression". Even if he is unhappy sometimes, he can quickly deal with it rationally and take the trouble to tell me in various ways. What he cares more about is what I think, Yu Jin is just a relative, he won't do anything that I don't like.

He is really a fool who will indulge his lover to the point of lawlessness, but he doesn't understand, I will never be willful in the slightest—probably only I, who is so dark, will be trembling and walking on thin ice, trying to make the bond between each other a little deeper, a little deeper , and still feel that it is not enough.

Love is not something that can last for a long time just because it is deeply rooted at first glance. When we do more for each other, the mutual connection will be closer.

I may not be able to control people's hearts, but I know enough about Xia Ningyuan: once he makes up his mind, he will follow through to the end, and he is very upright. The more I give, the deeper his attachment and affection for me will be, because he only knows how to use This is the way to repay.

The difference is that I demand something for what I give, but his feelings are like a desperate, endless stream, and he never seems to worry that one day he may be hurt and cannot be recovered.

I don't know where his trust in me came from, but I'm happy with the results.

Although there is no romance between us, this is exactly what I need, I don't care that Xia Ning is far from being able to speak sweet words, only real actions can make me feel at ease.

In Xia Ningyuan's eyes, I am clumsy, forbearing, and probably a little ignorant of the world, except for my relatively high IQ, my EQ is almost zero, and I am as pure as a little rabbit.

I don't intend to deny that this is very good, if you can get all his eyes by doing this in front of him all the time, why not?

He is always working hard, there are always things that can't be finished, one goal after another, just like completing a process one by one, meticulous.

Buying a house, graduating, working, putting our names on the same title certificate, getting married, buying a car, supporting me in taking photography as a hobby, telling my close elders and friends about our relationship... …Even, he really plans to adopt a child.

Facing the vows made by my mother back then, he fulfilled step by step.

He said that I love you more than I do, but I almost never said it, not because I didn't love you, but because I liked watching him because of the ecstasy I occasionally responded to.

Needless to say.

We share the relatives we share, share the same bed, and we can always find each other and go to each other at the first time no matter when, we are used to having each other in our lives, and we can't imagine our own life at all.

If this is not love, what is it?

On the first Ching Ming Festival after Yu Jin committed suicide, Xia Ningyuan quietly went to the cemetery.

Of course I know.

But I understood that Xia Ningyuan didn't want me to follow, so I pretended not to know, this was the last freedom I left for him.

On this day every year from now on, he will not go anywhere except by my side.

Now that it has fallen into my hands, of course I will try my best to hold him tight and never let go.

He finally belongs to me completely.