Love you No.17 years

"I want to find a solution because I have been in pain."

The two sat on the left and the right in the living room, separated by half a sofa.

Perhaps because of the sudden intimacy last night and the expected quarrel this morning, the progress and turning point were too fast. After calming down, both of them suddenly felt a little awkward and uncomfortable.

So they all agreed that it is most appropriate to keep a little distance like this.Xie Chenjun did not continue the "confession" just now, but told him honestly why he wanted to study psychology.

"I didn't realize that I had a psychological problem at first—in fact, my problem was not serious. I could behave normally in front of my classmates and friends. The only people who didn't dare to approach me were those who had power over me—such as teachers. , elders, relatives, especially, my parents..."

Lu Ming nodded: "I understand."

"I'm not afraid of my parents because of that incident," Xie Chenjun said, "That incident is just a microcosm, as you can see, my mother has always been strict with me, but the way she uses it is not normal; God dotes on me, but he has no right to speak in front of my mother, so even if my mother beats and scolds me, he never intervenes. From another perspective, he is also an accomplice.

"I was always taciturn in front of adults since I was a child, not very talkative; I always behaved well in front of elders or teachers, for fear that if I said something wrong or did something wrong, I would be scolded when I returned home. Later, these characteristics extended to In my daily dealings with people, I may have had a little flattering personality at that time, but it was nothing.

"Every one of us has some personality flaws to some extent. Even if I walk through my life with these flaws, I may not encounter too much trouble, and I won't even be aware of the problem."

"what is that--"

"I also want to say that it's not because of that incident ten years ago," Xie Chenjun said while looking at him calmly, "but indeed, that incident became a catalyst. In the past, when my mother scolded me, most of the time my mother scolded me was that I was stupid. Be obedient. After that happened, somehow she started behaving towards me... I don't know if that's the right way to put it, she started scolding me with something like '**** humiliation' which bothered me for a while , also very sad."

"'□□Humiliation'?" Lu Ming was startled, "Isn't that—"

"Yes, it's okay to put me in such a delicate situation, so that I don't want to explore in that direction - she will use words like 'cheesy', 'dirty' and 'seductive' to describe me, which made me have a Lenovo: Is there a difference between men and men, and in "certain things"?"

"..."

Lu Ming was speechless.Boy, you really guessed right...

"And I was in adolescence at that time, and I probably had some understanding of the 'certain things' mentioned here. But it was not this that bothered me the most at that time, but my mother's attitude towards me: she seemed to be because of me. It's very annoying for men to stare at me, but why doesn't she think about protecting me everywhere like you, but thinks that being able to attract men's attention is an unspeakable thing in itself?"

"The victim is guilty." Lu Ming said.

Xie Chenjun nodded: "Yes. I understood it later, but my mother probably won't understand it for the rest of her life. I have stayed in this small place for more than ten years, and you said to me 'it's not my fault'. .But regardless of the facts, I was partly to blame — I wasn’t careful enough, was I? So I forgave her, and I forgave her very quickly.”

Lu Ming looked at him, he always felt that things would not be as simple as he said.

Sure enough, Xie Chenjun continued: "Later, I went to university to read a lot of books and met some knowledgeable people. I gradually realized that studying psychology can't heal myself better, but it can make me understand that the people around me are all in the end. What's the matter - I'm very grateful for this, because I really understand the root cause of my parents treating me like this.

"I've read a lot of books on parent-child relationship—in fact, it has little to do with parent-child relationship, because strictly speaking, they don't understand what a 'child' is.

"They have inherited thousands of years of Chinese traditional concepts, treating children as tools, their own property, and even slaves who can order them at will. Compared with 'love', they value the children who bring them They think that by giving us the grace of life and upbringing, they can control us in all aspects, and naturally ask us to do our best to repay them.

"But they didn't think about it, the child was born without my permission, how can they be sure that I really appreciate them for letting me come into this world?

"The parenting process is accompanied by injuries that cannot be compared with any external force-we can't even use these injuries to hold them accountable or preach, otherwise it will be 'offending the superiors' and 'unfilial piety'.

"So I thought for a long time, what kind of mentality should I use to face my relationship with them.

"I can be 'filial piety', but I can't really like them from the bottom of my heart; I also tried to hate them in the past, but failed, because the word 'filial piety' has already penetrated into the bone marrow, and if I do so, I will be punished by conscience. strong condemnation.

"So I have no choice but to accept everything, and wait until I can live independently, and slowly stay away from them. So I haven't been home much in the past two years. I think in the future, there is a high probability that, except for days like the New Year , I will never go home again."

Lu Ming stared at him motionlessly, the only thought in his mind was, this kid has grown up...

"Then let's talk about sexual orientation..." Xie Chenjun suddenly smiled and said, "I, um, I thought about it when I was crying just now... Teacher Lu, in fact, I don't usually do this, just because I wanted to You hugged me and wanted to act like a baby to you, that's why you cried. Don't think that I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to reason with you..."

"..."

Lu Ming leaned to one side, trying not to let Xie Chenjun see the expression on his face.He suddenly felt that the child was a bit scary: why did he have two faces? ?

But even so, the Xie Chenjun in front of him is quite fascinating...

"I think Teacher Lu is right," Xie Chenjun said flatly, "If it wasn't for that incident, I might never have realized the possibility of 'men and men' at all... But if it wasn't for that incident I don't know Teacher Lu either? If you didn't save me, or someone else saved me, I think nothing would have happened last night..."

Lu Ming covered his face, feeling ashamed.

It's all because he is too "animal"...

"So I don't think Teacher Lu needs to be too entangled." Xie Chenjun's tone gradually became brighter. "No matter what the reason I like Teacher Lu, I already like Teacher Lu. What else can I do? Could it be that we did it last night? You can still pretend that nothing happened..."

What he said was actually implying Lu Ming: If you dare to lift your pants and refuse to admit it, just wait for the roof of your house to be toppled by our buddies!

Lu Ming thought about it, but the worries in his heart were not completely dispelled.It was the first time that he looked at Xie Chenjun with the gaze of an "adult". Xie Chenjun also sat upright, looking like a good student who was going to listen to the class seriously.

Hey, it's too cute, too foul...

"Xiao Jun, what I'm struggling with is not... Let's put it this way, do you know that there is a view called, 'Sexual orientation is fluid'?"

"I've heard of it."

"Then do you know what it really means?"

"Well?"

"I look at this sentence based on my more than ten years of formally coming out of the closet. I think its true meaning is that sexual orientation is not absolute. Do you agree?"

"Hmm..." But Xie Chenjun was clearly confused.

"That is to say, there may not be only pure homosexuals and pure heterosexuals in this world. There is a large area between them, which can be arranged according to the proportion of the two orientations. For example, some people seem to be heterosexual, but a part of their orientation, maybe a small part, is the possibility of becoming gay. And vice versa. Whether or not these "maybes" can be awakened will largely depend on the environment , religion, or autosuggestion—do you understand me when I say that?"

Xie Chenjun nodded obediently: "I can understand."

"So maybe your orientation, well, there might be some homosexual component, but that doesn't rule out heterosexual orientation, right? Some people spend their entire lives unaware of the other half of their orientation, and some people's The hidden part will be awakened because of some external stimuli.

"So what you're going through...especially when it happened before puberty. It probably caused you to focus too much on the same-sex side, and more self-suggestions are on the same-sex side, ignoring The heterosexual tendency that may exist in my bones—”

"Why should I realize that part of the heterosexual tendency?" Xie Chenjun said, "The person I like is you, and you are not the opposite sex."

"..."

Lu Ming covered his face.Is this the power of youth?How can you express yourself so bluntly and simply, without blinking your eyes...

Xie Chenjun sat on the armrest of the sofa beside him, swayed his legs slightly, and said, "Mr. Lu, don't worry, I like you and I have never regretted it, because you...don't you like me too? Yes Bar?"

Teacher Lu raised his face and asked solemnly: "Xiao Jun, what behaviors did I do in the past...do you think I have that kind of thought about you?"

"No." Seeing that he didn't deny it, Xie Chenjun was in a good mood, "I've been thinking about whether you don't like me, but even if you don't like me, I still want to kiss you—unexpectedly, bingo~ won the prize gone."

"..."

Ah... Lu Ming held his head in pain again.Young children are too simple to think about things, why are they full of liking and liking...

"Mr. Lu," Xie Chenjun stretched out a hand, "You like me and I like you, are you still unhappy..."

Lu Ming gently held his white hand, and said, "I'm not unhappy. I'm just thinking that you should have an easier life...you know how difficult it is for people like us to live a lifetime." Even if you don't understand at the age of 20, look at me now, you should understand, right?"

"But isn't it difficult for two people to be together?" Xie Chenjun slid off the armrest and sat in his arms, "Next time someone introduces you to a blind date, just say that you have a lover, and you have to say it confidently , leaving them no chance at all.”

"But after all, I have no way to let them know that that person is you," Lu Ming frowned, and said, "I don't care, even if I don't take students or teach piano, I can continue to live. What about you, Xiaojun? You do Are you ready to be criticized by others? Even if you don't mind outsiders' opinions, and even escaped from this city, what about your parents?"

The joy on Xie Chenjun's face gradually disappeared, and the arm around Lu Ming's neck also slipped down:

"Do you still think my parents will be our biggest obstacle?"

"You don't need to think about it, you know."

"I said I wouldn't let them trouble you—"

"I'm not afraid of trouble," Lu Ming said, "I'm afraid they will make you sad."

"But I said that I made up my mind to stay away from them," Xie Chenjun said impatiently, "From now on, let's live in a place that they can't see, isn't it good?"

"You know, Xiao Jun," Lu Ming said suddenly, "When I was your age, my father passed away, and I almost didn't attend his funeral."

"..."

The room suddenly became quiet. It was the first time Xie Chenjun heard him mention his dead father, and he immediately stared at him with bated breath.

"But now I am very glad that I went." Lu Ming looked a little tired, "People's ideas will change, Xiaojun, especially when we have just come into contact with the outside world and just thought that we are going to start to transform and grow At that time... I will not comment on your parents' affairs, but I don't want you to regret when you reach my age, and regret that you didn't treat them well at the beginning. "

"..."

Xie Chenjun was speechless.He got off Lu Ming's lap and sat on the sofa beside him, biting his lips tightly, as if he was thinking about how to deal with Lu Ming's words.

But he thought for a long time and couldn't refute it, and finally Lu Ming said: "Xiao Jun, I admit that I like you, but—"

"But what?" Xie Chenjun immediately responded, "Why are you worried about me even if you like me? Are you going to find a woman to marry and have children in the end because you are worried about the world's views?"

"Of course I wouldn't do that," Lu Ming still looked at him patiently, "Otherwise, I wouldn't be single until now—but if one day, you want to return to being positive, er, no, most people, you If you want to go back to the way most people live, if you want to be like them—I allow you to leave me."

"..."

Xie Chenjun opened his eyes wide and looked at him motionless.After a long while, he suddenly picked up a pillow and threw it on Lu Ming, roaring angrily:

"So you didn't intend to have anything to do with me from the beginning, right? That's why you restrained yourself so much in front of me, right! Then why didn't you restrain yourself last night? I fucked you all, now you come Say something like this—you, you scumbag!"

"..."

Lu Ming has black lines all over his head. He doesn't know if Xie Chenjun is serious or is he looking for a reason to act like a baby with him...

Xie Chenjun ran to the bedroom without waiting for his reaction.Lu Ming chased after him, but the door slammed shut in front of him.

"I don't want to see you anymore! You go away!"

"..."

This is my home where am I going...

Lu Ming stood outside the door and scratched his head, but Xie Chenjun was really cute when he was acting like a baby...