Love you No.17 years

On the streets on summer nights, it should be the season when it is so hot and humid that the clothes are sticky, but Lu Ming seems to have been poured a basin of cold water.

"You, you..." He looked at Xie Chenjun, unable to speak clearly, "You can't be—"

"I didn't do anything with him," Xie Chenjun said with his head down, "but I thought more than once during those 10 minutes that it would be great if I could become like him."

"..."

"I admit, I have a crush on him. I want to be like him, successful, rich, and respected; I want to be strong enough to offend others without feeling guilty; I want to have a city in my heart." , don’t be surprised when things change; I also hope that I can be confident enough to despise everyone who is not as good as me, I hope I can have the capital to think like that...

"So," Xie Chenjun raised his head with tears in his eyes, "I admit that I had a strong impulse when he proposed those two proposals: I want to work beside him, I want to learn more from him, even, even— —”

"You even want to like him, don't you?" Lu Ming said expressionlessly.

"No, no, I didn't want to like him, I just wanted to—"

"Just hope he likes you? Value you, appreciate you, and praise you like an elder when you do well, just like me."

"Teacher Lu—"

"Xiao Jun," Lu Ming brushed his hair with a wry smile, "How did you manage to be so honest in your desertion? Actually, I won't find out if you don't tell me, or is it that you don't just want to desert? Poor, you are, seriously..."

He stood alone under the night sky, and his figure was stretched by the moonlight.The distance between the two of them was less than half a meter, but it seemed that thousands of mountains and rivers separated them. Xie Chenjun had never seen Lu Ming so powerless and lonely.

Tears slid down his face, and this time there was no one to help him wipe away the tears.Xie Chenjun's eyes were immersed in pain, he bit his lip, and murmured, "I didn't want to desert you, nor did I want to leave you. I just had a few moments when I suddenly thought, I wanted to—"

"It's good to want someone like him by your side, right?"

"!"

"That way you can rely purely on him. Let him protect you, help you, and let you grow into what he is one day."

"Teacher Lu—"

Lu Ming sighed deeply, looked at the moonlight above his head, and whispered: "I'm so sorry, I'm not the one you want..."

"No, Teacher Lu!" Xie Chenjun burst into tears immediately, "I'm sad because I shouldn't have such thoughts. Although it's only for a few moments, I still feel like I betrayed you - I didn't realize it at first, But then I found myself trying to convince you, but I was actually convincing myself. Only when I believe that my judgment is not based on any personal feelings, will I feel better... But I still quarrel with you because of this, and hurt you Hurt, I, I—”

Xie Chenjun couldn't continue, and kept wiping away tears with the back of his hand.Lu Ming looked at him like this, his heart ached so badly that he couldn't breathe.

But he still touched Xie Chenjun's head gently, trying to calm him down.

"So why did you tell me all this?" Lu Ming said, "In order for me to say 'forgive you', so you can forgive yourself, right?"

"!"

Xie Chenjun raised his head in surprise.

No matter how long it takes, this man can easily see him through.

Xie Chenjun thought that his efforts had paid off, but in fact he still couldn't hide from Lu Ming.

"Xiao Jun, do you know why I have never been very optimistic about young people's love?" Lu Ming gently took him into his arms and said softly, "Especially when you are young, and you are much older than you." Actually, I have been feeling uneasy from the beginning, but I'm not sure what that uneasiness is, so I never told you about it—but I know it now."

Lu Ming looked at him, Xie Chenjun's tear-stained face was full of bewilderment.

"Because your liking for me is based on the premise that you 'don't know what you want'," Lu Ming said with a hint of sadness in his eyes, "just like when we were young, we were always crazy about someone. At that time we saw The world we come to is small, and the inner system is not perfect; we don't know what kind of person we will become, so we always look for spiritual sustenance in those who are enough to attract us.

"As for you, Xiao Jun, you don't even know what you expect. When you were young, you sought protection and love, and when you grow up, you seek self-strengthening; so you fell in love with me, the man who took care of you in every possible way at first. But after growing up, after meeting better people, there will be an inextricable admiration and admiration in his heart—”

"Without Mr. Lu, I didn't like him!" Xie Chenjun raised his hands and swore, "I really didn't like him, I just wanted to be—"

"When you said earlier that you wanted to 'catch up with me', did you ever think about becoming someone like me?" Lu Ming looked at him deeply, "Even if you didn't mean career or achievement, did you ever think about it?" Think you want to be close to me in any place you can reach? Try to become - as you say, someone who can 'stand shoulder to shoulder with me'."

Xie Chenjun looked at him, and the world around his ears seemed to quiet down.

"So you will feel that my love for you is just 'tolerance and concern' rather than 'love and appreciation'. Xiaojun, if you want to talk about appreciation, you have a lot of shining points that I like in you; but if you want to talk about admiration—— If your "admiration" contains admiration and admiration, and you have a strong desire to become the other party——Xiao Jun, I don't. I don't want to be you, and in fact, I don't want you to be anyone. "

Lu Ming touched his cheek and said, "Xiao Jun, just be yourself, and you don't need to approach anyone. Some people can be excellent in a certain way, but it doesn't matter if you can't do it. I like it." You are the original you, even if you cry, are timid, foolish, and do wrong things... What I like about people is not someone who has to be 'shoulder to shoulder' with me. It doesn't matter if you are not 'strong' enough, 'strong' itself It is relative. Only one day you fully believe in yourself and recognize yourself, you will become extremely powerful——

"Xiao Jun, before you love someone, you should learn to love yourself first."

"..."

Xie Chenjun looked at him, his eyes watered.A few seconds later, as if he suddenly realized something, he threw himself into Lu Ming's arms and cried loudly, chanting "it's my fault", "it's all my fault" and so on...

Lu Ming shook his head, it seemed that he still didn't understand what he said.

Or he might understand, but find he can't, and that's why he utters such sad, unconcealed wails.

·

·

It took a long time for Xie Chenjun's crying to stop.This time Lu Ming didn't coax him or disturb him, he just patted him on the back and patiently stood with him under the starry sky, letting him cry aloud.

Xie Chenjun's snot and tears rubbed against Lu Ming's shoulder.Lu Ming smiled wryly, but followed him.After seeing his mood gradually stabilized, Lu Ming resumed his usual teasing tone.

"Okay, are you done crying? Oh, my shoulders are sore... Miss Lu, I can use one arm now, can you take it easy?"

Xie Chenjun hurriedly went to look at his shoulders, and found that his clothes were already wet, so sad that he cried again.

"Okay, okay, why isn't it over?" Lu Ming smiled and patted him again, "Although I said that I would also like you who loves to cry, but if you cry too much, your eyes will be swollen. What will you do tomorrow? Going to work?..."

"Teacher Lu."

"Ok?"

"I made a decision."

"What did you decide?"

Lu Ming felt a chill in his heart.No way, this kid listened to his words, so he probably wants to break up with him...

"I decided, I want to be alone, to grow into a better self," Xie Chenjun said with red eyes swollen like two big peaches, "Mr. Lu, you are right, I have never found the real one." Myself, so I want to accept Xu Shaofeng's proposal to study abroad... okay? I promise that I won't have any contact with him again, so I will go to study by myself... Lu, Teacher Lu, what do you think?"

Xie Chenjun looked at him with timid eyes. It was clearly not telling him his decision, but seeking Lu Ming's opinion and permission.

Lu Ming sighed, swallowing all the reluctance in his heart.

"Have you thought about it? Don't think about it again?"

After all, I would be really reluctant to go to a place without me...

"Originally, among Xu Shaofeng's string of conditions, the only thing I wanted to choose was this. I also feel that if I really want to do business, I am too a layman. When I was in college, I willfully learned what I wanted to learn, so now I think Make it right in time—"

"Don't blame yourself habitually," Lu Ming rubbed his head and said, "Who said that you are self-willed when you study psychology. Isn't your inner world much calmer and stronger over the past few years? You will Trying to find solutions to problems by yourself is better than most people."

"But I don't want to be in this business after all," Xie Chenjun said, "I know that my mental state is not particularly stable, and I can't become a professional psychologist to empathize with patients frequently, so I think... Don't worry, Mr. Lu, I will take care of Mr. Xu and the company's affairs, and I won't let myself get involved with him again. I won't go to work with him after finishing the book—"

"Xiao Jun," Lu Ming looked at him with a wry smile, "If you want to work beside him, I won't stop you."

"Lu, Teacher Lu..." Xie Chenjun's pupils were dilated, and he stared at him in shock, "Are you going to break up with me?"

"From the moment you make your choice, you should know the result, right?"

"I don't want to! I don't want to break up!" Xie Chenjun burst into tears again, "I don't want to break up with you, Teacher Lu, I won't go, I won't go, okay?"

"I didn't say I wanted to break up with you," Lu Ming gently wiped away his tears, and said, "But when you become the real 'yourself', what choice will you make? Can't guarantee it?"

"what……"

"Maybe you will finally realize that your feelings for me may have been an illusion in the first place, or maybe they are not worth mentioning on your real life path."

Xie Chenjun stared at him stubbornly, with unspeakable fear written all over his face, and a lot of tears gushing out.He threw himself into Lu Ming's arms, this time, he sobbed silently.

"Don't be afraid, Xiao Jun," Lu Ming patted him repeatedly, "At least on that day, you won't feel sad anymore..."

Just leave the sadness to me.

Because I don't even have the courage to say "Stay" to you...

·

·

The rest of June was extremely hot and oppressive.The atmosphere between the two suddenly changed from the original sweetness to a little awkwardness, and even occasionally the two of them would unconsciously stand alone when they were alone, which had never happened before.

They both knew that something had crept into their relationship quietly.It is necessary to seek a little change at this time, otherwise, even if their conflicts do not break out in this quarrel, sooner or later they will become unsustainable.

So I don't know if it's because of this thorough determination that Xie Chenjun's preparations for going abroad started very quickly.

And these days, Lu Ming had to recuperate at home, so he never sent him off, so he just took this opportunity to stop interfering with his work.

Xie Chenjun didn't care if he went to the company every day because he was busy, or if he would meet Xu Shaofeng, and he never asked.He only knew that Xie Chenjun had been busier than before since that day.I go to the company to deal with various things during the day, and when I come back at night, I have to prepare school application materials, review exams, read various strategies, contact various people, etc...

Lu Ming seemed to be leisurely by the side, but his heart was like a pool of stagnant water: he knew that from now on, he would not be able to help any more.

He just gave Xie Chenjun a bank card with a six-figure deposit, saying that he didn't want him to live in poverty abroad.Xie Chenjun said that he was rich and would apply for scholarships.After evading it twice, he looked at Lu Ming's face and couldn't speak anymore, so he put the bank card in his pocket.

·

On the last day of June, it was almost time for Lu Ming to go back.But this day Xie Chenjun was going to take the TOEFL test, so Lu Ming sent him outside the test room.

The plaster cast on Lu Ming's hand has been removed, and there is no major problem with driving now.After the car stopped, both of them were silent. The farewell atmosphere was the same as it was two years ago, and even the sad tone was unabated compared to that time.

"Mr. Lu, don't wait for me," Xie Chenjun said with downcast eyes. "The exam will take nearly four hours. You should go back and have a rest. You have to drive all day tomorrow."

"It's okay." Lu Ming stretched his waist, and turned to him with a smile, "After the exam, Mr. Lu will take you to eat delicious food, it's a celebration~"

"You may not be able to pass the exam, what are you celebrating..."

"You must be fine," Lu Ming said, rubbing his hair, "and Teacher Lu is leaving, don't you want to have a good meal?"

Well, let's say goodbye...

Xie Chenjun's face became even more melancholy, Lu Ming simply tousled his hair vigorously, and pretended to be relaxed and said: "Okay, it's obviously your decision, it's already here, don't waver anymore? - Go quickly Well, the exam is about to start~"

Xie Chenjun looked up at him: "Mr. Lu, will you really wait for me?"

"Yes," Lu Ming said, and then understood another meaning of his, his eyes softened, "I will, don't worry."

Xie Chenjun nodded, without saying anything, got out of the car and walked towards the examination building.

Lu Ming looked at his figure and heaved a long sigh.

Time to say goodbye to all this...

At this time, a message came on the phone, and he opened it - then his face changed suddenly.

·

·

Four hours later, Xie Chenjun walked out of the examination room.

The exam made him hungry.At this time, when the sun was at its hottest in the afternoon, he squinted his eyes and looked around. The sun was everywhere within his sight, and he felt a little dizzy.

Originally, Lu Ming's parking place in the outdoor parking lot was replaced by another car, maybe he was waiting for him elsewhere, Xie Chenjun took out his mobile phone while walking.

As a result, he saw the message from Lu Ming as soon as he turned it on, as if he had been hit in the head.

Lu Ming: [Xiao Jun, there is something urgent at home, I'm going back to Pingcheng first.Send me a message after your exam and be careful on the way home. 】

he's gone……

At that moment, these Chinese characters seemed to have turned into gibberish characters in foreign languages ​​that Xie Chenjun could not understand. He stood under the dazzling sunlight with his mobile phone for a long time.

So he couldn't even wait for half a day?Saying goodbye to him so hastily, he didn't even bother to think of an excuse.

He doesn't have any family members in Pingcheng anymore, so what is meant by "something urgent at home"...

Xie Chenjun smiled wryly.After all, this is his own choice, and he cannot blame others.

Maybe Lu Ming has his own ideas.He did this to make it less painful for both of them, and to end the relationship without delay.

At that moment, Xie Chenjun seemed to be relieved suddenly.That's right, this is a good way, he doesn't even give himself a chance to say goodbye, he probably doesn't want to see himself cry again.

He probably doesn't like such a weak and troublesome self...

Xie Chenjun squeezed the phone vigorously, and walked into the dazzling sunlight with the coldest chill in his heart.