Looking at the stars

After work, I took Xiaobei and Mo Ran to the park for a walk.This is a place we often come to, and every time we have a lot to talk about, work, life, gossip, and even some pornographic jokes.Now we are talking non-stop, one sentence from you, one sentence from me, and one sentence from him, for fear that the situation will become cold.However, I talked more about work, less about life, more business, less jokes, more deliberate, less casual, but I always feel blocked in my heart, and I can't get back the relaxed and happy feeling before up.

In the past, when the three of us were together, we used to go crazy, and Mo Ran would hold my arm or Xiaobei's, and lean on our shoulders lightly, looking like a cute little bird, and then disgusted us with his voice. , people only sell themselves, not entertainers!

Often I would pat him on the head in a cooperative manner, and then the grandpa would say, good boy, I am comfortable serving you, and you will be rewarded!Then gently raised Mo Ran's chin, and looked at him lewdly, come on, give me a smile!Sometimes he will give me a big smiling face which is very worthy, and sometimes he will slap me and slap me away.Often at this time, I would put on a lecherous ruffian look, and said with a stern face, "If you don't smile, the uncle will give you a smile!"Then reward him with a sweet smile.

When it was Xiaobei's turn, he rolled his eyes more helplessly, and then nodded his furry head away with his fingers.

However, it has been a long time, and we have never played this kind of joke again.

The three of us sat side by side on the bench, as before, with me in the middle and the two of them on either side.Two very handsome boys walked past us, talking and laughing, they seemed to have a good relationship.One of them didn't know what was stuck on his face, and the other smiled and raised his hand to gently wipe it off for him.

In the past, as long as there were two attractive boys getting close, my eyes would shine, and then I would drooling and lead them to talk excitedly, guess if they were G, and which one had a little bit of trouble? Qualifications, usually, I always like tall, thin, fair and clean boys. Once I meet them, I will always stare at them for a long time, and occasionally follow them for a while.Mo Ran scolded me, you are already poisonous and hopeless.

But now, I suddenly feel that these two people are particularly dazzling. Of course, it is not only my eyes that hurt, but also my heart, which makes me twitch.An indescribable sadness lingered all over my body, I lowered my head and looked blankly at the ground, and Mo Ran and Xiao Bei also suddenly became quiet.I don't know what they are thinking, the pain makes me unable to think.

I don't know how long I was silent, until I felt that my chest could no longer bear any more depression, so I opened my mouth to break the silence. Look, that flower is so beautiful!

Xiao Bei twitched the corners of his mouth, Mo Ran also smiled, and said, yes, it's this time, and it's still blooming so brightly, so beautiful!

In the past, I often pointed to some flowers, grass, cats, and dogs to praise, and sometimes Mo Ran would say, yes, it is much more beautiful than you!Sometimes I also say, what eyes, how beautiful are these, you say you can’t use your head well, why can’t you even use your eyes!After finishing speaking, Mo Ran would often put Xiaobei's shoulders on his shoulders and add, isn't it Xiaobei!

Every time the two of us chatted without saying a word, Xiaobei would stand aside, or fan the wind, or cheer up, or simply appreciate it. The three of us always repeated these non-technical content tirelessly. cheesy jokes.

However, since when did Mo Ran stop confronting me, and Xiao Bei stopped embellishing things. The three of us are like walking on eggshells, carefully maintaining a balanced relationship with each other.

Xiao Bei and I went to the cinema for the first time, probably used to being poor, I always felt that spending tens of dollars to catch a movie was a waste.Xiaobei and I have been dating for so long, and we have only been to the cinema once. Although I was happy like a flower in my heart, I still relentlessly scolded him as capitalist corruption.

The youthful innocence receded, and a movie was boring to watch.After walking out of the movie theater, it was already very late, and I was a little hungry, so I took Xiaobei to a noodle shop to eat noodles.Sitting down, Xiaobei habitually shouted at the boss, boss, two bowls of beef noodles, one bowl without chopped green onion...

As soon as the words were finished, both of us were stunned, and there was a sudden throbbing pain in our hearts. We both know that Mo Ran doesn’t eat chopped green onions, but I like coriander... Xiaobei smiled embarrassedly, and then added , add more coriander to the other bowl.

I often feel that Xiaobei just puts his eyes on me, but it is other people who see the bottom of his eyes. I don’t know that Xiaobei’s noodles taste delicious, but mine seems to be cooked with Coptis chinensis , the bitterness is hard to swallow.

Due to work needs, I have to go on a business trip for a few days, and Xiaobei will send me off.Sitting in the waiting hall, the two girls next to me have been talking about "Lan Yu". Before, I couldn't help but add a few sentences, but now, any words related to sensuality and homosexuality sound particularly harsh.

The car was about to start, Xiao Bei stretched out his hand to hold me, but I subconsciously avoided it.I was shocked in my heart, and I suddenly realized that although I waved the flag, beat the drum, and kicked the small goose every day, shouting to the whole world, I am a rotten girl!However, deep down in my heart, I still can't accept homosexuality.To be precise, it is impossible to accept the fact that the people closest to me are gay.I can sit in the stands and watch other people of the same sex tangle with each other with relish, but this person cannot be Mo Ran, nor Xiao Bei.

I even thought, if it wasn't Xiao Bei who was with Mo Ran, and it wasn't Mo Ran who was with Xiao Bei, would I really be able to deal with it as calmly as I imagined before? I began to doubt.

This realization made me shudder.I realized that I was actually a modern version of Ye Gong. To show off my love for dragons, I hung dragons on my clothes, engraved dragons on wine glasses, and carved dragon patterns on the eaves and roofs so that I could see them when I looked up. dragon.However, one day, the dragon really came, and I was scared!

When I was young, I always felt that Ye Gong was really hypocritical, but now I find that I am even more hypocritical than Ye Gong, and I am also afraid, more afraid than him!

Perhaps, this is the difference between inside and outside the play.As an audience, even if you cry and laugh with the people in the play, thinking that you can empathize with the people in the play, but that feeling is different from the people in the play after all.One day, when you become a character in the play, you realize that what you thought you could bear has already exceeded your own tolerance.