father - home

In addition to Paul, there was Joseph waiting for us in the stable.Of course I know why he's here.

I hand over the reins to Paul.I don’t know why, but I didn’t really want to say that. I was not controlled by my brain at all. I yelled, “I’m starving to death! I’m starving to death!” I ran to the kitchen, but was stopped by Joseph. "I'll send breakfast to the conservatory."

I glanced at him and sighed helplessly. "Just a cup of coffee."

Joseph's aggressive gaze just now became extremely gentle. "Okay, I'll go right away."

Yesterday's sleeping couch has been replaced by a pair of rattan sofas, with a round tea table in the middle.My father was sitting there, wearing a snow-white stiff collar shirt, a dark green bow tie, and a dark green woolen cardigan, buttoning all the buttons meticulously.He didn't wear a fleece cap, and his hair was combed carefully. It didn't look too dry, and it had a little luster.Under the sun, his pale golden eyelashes cast a brown shadow on his cheeks, and his face also showed a slight blush, and his whole person became a little angry.He sat upright, with at least three large pillows on his back.A plain blanket was covered over the legs and dragged to the floor.Two bony hands gripped the armrests of the sofa, a little stiffly, and I saw them move when I came in.He raised his head a little, and cast his piercing eyes on me, he was waiting.

"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday." I had already made up my mind not to let yesterday's scene repeat itself, but apart from this dry sentence, I couldn't hold back any other words.

As Joseph said, his father didn't mean to blame. He said in a rare gentle and helpless tone: "It's nothing, I can't blame you. I didn't expect that. It's been seven years, and it seems like it happened yesterday. , the smell of gunpowder has not dissipated at all. I thought that time will change everything, but it turned out to be just wishful thinking."

The silence that followed was embarrassing, and I had to say something.

"You look good today."

"Ah, you noticed, I did think about it, I hope this will help control my emotions."

"Very good, just don't get too tired."

"No, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time."

"That's good." I was a little dazed, maybe it was too hot.

"Take off your coat, you're sweating."

I took off my jacket and put it on the folding chair next to me.

"How about the clothes?"

"It's okay, it fits well."

"I think the trousers should be a little short. You are like him, with long legs. Wait a few days and go to Munich to order a pair for you."

"no need."

"No, yes, the riding clothes must be made to order."

He said it very firmly, and I didn't object any more. It's boring to quarrel over this matter.

"Have you been waiting for me for a long time?"

"No! No, it's shorter than I expected."

"Ok?"

"I saw you go out, I thought you wouldn't come back so soon."

"I don't want to tire Allemande too much."

"Yeah, it's not young anymore, it's almost 20 years old."

"Who are you talking about?" Joseph asked at this moment when he brought coffee. Hearing this, he asked.

"Allemande," I said.

"Ah, next month will be nineteen."

Joseph put the tray he had brought on the coffee table.Along with coffee and a pie with lots of cheese, there was a large glass of apple juice.

I was extremely thirsty, so I picked up the juice and drank most of it in one go.

"Don't be so anxious, sit down and eat slowly, there is plenty of time."

I know my father doesn't like this kind of turbulent and casual behavior the most, and I feel very happy that it can arouse his resentment.I must have looked smug, because Joseph gave me a glare.I sat down obediently and began to enjoy breakfast in a proper manner.

Father suddenly coughed without warning, so violently that he was a little out of breath, and Joseph hurriedly beat his back for him.After the cough stopped, Joseph brought the thermos cup to his mouth again, and asked him to drink water through the straw inserted in the cup.Breathing finally stabilized, Joseph gently smoothed his father's hair that was messed up when he coughed just now.

I was lamenting how meticulous Joseph’s care for his father was, but my father pushed him away impatiently, “Go ahead, I’ll be fine with Heinz here, he’s still a doctor, go do your work .”

Although I didn't want Joseph to be by my side when I was talking to my father, it still made me uncomfortable when my father sent him away.

After Joseph left, I stopped talking, not wanting to make any further efforts to improve the atmosphere.But my father and I must have a good talk today. Even if we are unhappy, we must not break up, and we must try our best to restrain our emotions.

I ate my breakfast with my head down.Father watched and remained silent.I guessed the expression on his face at the moment.

When I finished my pie and drank my coffee, my father finally spoke. "I saw it."

"what?"

"You had a long talk with Paul before you went out."

"uh-huh."

"What is it?"

"You want to know?"

"is it okay?"

"Of course, he taught me not to be late in the future, otherwise even Allemande would be angry."

"This kid, how dare he do this." A smile flickered on the corner of his father's mouth.

"He was right."

"I mean he dared not listen to me."

"Didn't you tell him it's not a good habit to be late? He really admires you."

"I'm not talking about that, how dare he disrespect you."

"I didn't find it disrespectful."

"You don't understand. Heinz, you also know that Paul admires me and listens to me. So I want him to respect you as he respects me in the future."

My first response was: "I'm afraid you're talking about obedience instead of respect." But I didn't say it because it was too harsh and would surely start another round of quarrels.

"Respect is earned, not something anyone can ask for. If Paul respects me, it can only be because of what I do, not just because of my blood." It should be fine at this point, but I still Unable to control myself, another sentence popped up suddenly: "What's more, I don't have the noble bloodlines like yours. We are not even a race. Isn't it ridiculous that you ask Paul to respect me with bloodlines?" In front of him, I I was always a child who didn't grow up. I was like a troubled teenager in the rebellious period. After saying these words on a whim, I immediately regretted it.

Father's body swayed, his hands gripped the armrest of the sofa, and the protruding knuckles were bluish white.He was trembling all over, his lips were trembling, and his eyes were fixed on me.

I knew he was angry and excited, but his eyes were so sad and helpless.I've never seen that look on his face before, and I panicked.

"I know it's your heart disease. No matter how much I love you and how much I want to protect you, I can't hide this fact. It has been bothering you since you were sensible, and I think this is the root of the gap between the two of us The reason. If it weren't for this, you wouldn't be so afraid of me, you wouldn't be so estranged from me, and you wouldn't be so resolute in your walk without hesitation." The father paused, with the corners of his mouth slightly upturned, trying to put on a self-deprecating smile. "Do you know why I was suddenly so angry yesterday? After thinking about it for a long time, I figured it out: I asked Joseph to telegraph you to come back. I believe you will come back, but how much of it is because of me, and how much of it is just because of me." Knowing my own life experience? I doubt it, and I am afraid of knowing the result." He shook his head and closed his eyes. "I looked at you standing there, so much like him, so familiar, yet so far away. I suddenly doubted the feelings I have had for you for so many years, whether I really love you or look forward to seeing you again one day He, see his shadow from you, look for the original feeling. If this is the case, if this is the case, then your resentment towards me is justified." Father paused, opened his eyes again, and looked at me. "But you are not him, you stand there, very similar, but not like, it is the eyes. You have the same eyes, but have completely different eyes. I am disappointed, very disappointed, I sought 25 in my dream After all, I will never see the look in my eyes again in this life. Not only that, but the anger and contempt in your eyes made me even more sad. I believe he has forgiven me, so what about you, his son, I treat him as my own flesh and blood My son who has been in love for 25 years, can you forgive me? If I hurt you, Heinz, my child, if the damage I have done to you is irreparable, can you forgive me? Please You forgive me. I did all this because of love, a deep love for him and you buried deep in my heart. After I die, I am doomed to go to hell. I don't care about the torture, but I do He, I care about you, I can't tolerate your contemptuous and resentful eyes seeing me off, I can't take it, I can't take it." He tremblingly turned over his right hand and opened his palm.

This is the father I never met, never even thought he would be.He was blaming himself, begging.I hesitated for a moment before taking that hand.

Father's hand is very big, the finger is very long.I felt the heat in his palm, so I stood up, turned to him, and touched his forehead with the other hand. "You have a fever."

He tilted his head, trying to avoid me, but failed, and smiled helplessly: "You are a doctor now, better than me."

My father was a doctor of clinical medicine at the University of Berlin Medical School in 1938. If it weren't for the war, he would be a good doctor.I chose to study medicine, so I can't say that it has nothing to do with him.

"You should rest."

My father shook his head, squeezed my hand, put it on his cheek, and looked at me earnestly. "I should have told you everything earlier, please forgive my cowardice, I really have no courage... I have been making excuses and procrastinating. I always say to myself, you are too young, you can't bear it. But now I don't have much time left, and if I don't do what I'm supposed to do, then I'm really going to die."

I nodded and sat down again, apprehensive.Finally got to know, the moment has finally arrived.Like my father said, when I come back this time, do I want to get back the warmth of the family I once had; do I miss the father who raised me up and made me hate and love at the same time; or do I just want to solve the mystery of my own life experience.Which is more, I can't tell myself.