father - home

I hope that Zhao can sleep for a while, but no, the nausea strikes again, and this time all the vomit is gastric juice and foam.Two more times, even the bile was spit out, mixed with blood.

I was shocked. "Zhao!" I grabbed his shoulders and turned him over.Zhao's face was pale, dripping with sweat, his eyes were wide open and flushed red. "What’s wrong with you?"

"Headache! It hurts badly!" Zhao's left arm was dripped and fixed on a splint with a bandage.He hit himself on the head with his movable right hand.

I quickly grabbed his wrist.He tried to swing his left hand again, and I had to hold his shoulder.

Zhao shook his head from side to side, hitting his head on the pillow one by one.

"This won't work. How about... I'll give you another injection, reduce the dosage, and relax first."

Zhao curled up and turned to look at me.The blood-red eyes lost their former expression due to the pain, but he still shook his head firmly.

I don't want to either.If he used morphine again, wouldn’t Zhao’s previous suffering be in vain?And if the first withdrawal is not successful, it will be more difficult in the future.However, I really can't bear to watch him continue like this. It's no longer a matter of being unbearable. I'm even worried that such persistence will kill him.So I said, "Don't be stubborn, just listen to me, don't force yourself."

Zhao stared at me.Our eyes met, not in the air, but in my heart.I was a little flustered, it was the eyes - Zhao slowly frowned, his eyes gradually became cold and sharp - the eyes I was not familiar with, and the unfamiliar voice.

"You know how much I long for you. Is this what you want to give me?" Zhao closed his eyes, shook his head, and gritted his teeth, "No! I won't use morphine anymore! You don't want to come again Control me!"

"What?!" I suspected that I had heard or read wrongly.Zhao thinks so?Do I think so?

"You always like to control people, stuff me to your mother, and Yu'er to me, but never ask us what we think. You are self-righteous and impose your will on others. Do you know how painful we are? "

I shook my head, opened my mouth wide, and was speechless.I wanted to say "no" to him, but that was the truth.

"If you give me morphine again, I will never be able to leave you, and I will never go home. Do you know why I stopped the drug without permission? I also pulled Yu'er to be my accomplice, because I knew Yu'er would not stop me I. I want to get rid of you! I want to get out of here!"

"But why? Your current body can't bear it, why are you in a hurry..."

"Because I don't want to live under those eyes. Your mother's pity and helplessness; Mr. Leininger and his wife's indifference and rejection; and Yu'er's worry and grievance. I want to leave here!"

"You should tell me and I will help you."

"Have you asked me? You arranged everything for me, you asked me if I would? You never asked me, you don't care at all."

"I don't care about you? It's not fair!"

"Yes, you care about me and love me. You told your mother that since you love you, you must treat me well. In order to save me, you put pressure on the manor, and you made everyone in the manor look at me strangely. Especially the Reininger couple. Look, what is so special about this man? Our daughter ran away because Joseph fell in love with the young master. Joseph is the child we grew up with, a good boy who knows everything. Joseph is for the manor, for the young master, Going to join the army, go to war, and hide your feelings. But this person blatantly stole the young master's heart. For him, the young master would not hesitate to risk the manor. What's the matter with Yu'er? His fiancee? What? What a mess, no decent man would do that... Marty, do you know how much we're stressed? You leave us here alone. You're so cruel. I won't... I won't beg you, I'm leaving here, I won't be on morphine, never!"

I didn't think of any of this, but it's true, absolutely true.In normal times, Zhao would never say anything.He never complained, never accused, but it wasn't that he didn't feel it.I knew that he was very sensitive, and his emotions were delicate and rich, but it was his consistent forbearance and gentleness that made me ignore these.I know that the torment of the withdrawal reaction has driven him into a state of madness, otherwise he would never have said it, but this is exactly what he is saying, his pain, resentment and contradiction.Instead of being angry, I'm glad I finally heard it.

"I'm sorry baby, I was wrong. I know you're mad at me, I know you're trying to get back at me by torturing yourself, please don't do this, I can't take it. Be good baby, let me call you again Needle?"

Shake your head, just shake your head.Zhao's lips were already bloody from being bitten, his eyes were tightly closed, a question mark formed between his brows, and the veins on his forehead protruded one by one, feeling like he was about to burst, he twisted his body violently, shaking his shoulders, So much so that I couldn't hold him down without exerting all my strength. He shook his head and hit my arm pressing his shoulder with his temple.

"Don't be stubborn, just take it easy, and we'll stop taking the medicine when you get better. Baby, I never thought of keeping you here, you know that."

"No! No!" Zhao suddenly opened his eyes, and shouted hoarsely, "It's not you who want to keep me here! I can't leave you!" Zhao stared at me, tears streaming down like a flood down. "Do you know why I didn't commit suicide? I endured alone. In my body, it was as if ten thousand ants were gnawing at my bone marrow; a thousand rats were tearing at my flesh; countless hammers It's hitting my nerves. I can't bear this kind of heart-piercing pain. I can't bear it... Why? Why do I have to suffer so much? Why do I suffer so much? Why do so many people die because of me? Why I only bring disaster to others? I never want to hurt anyone. What's the point of keeping this life if it's meant to cause pain to everyone, including myself? Go home, yes, go home. But It’s a long way to go home. If the price you pay is so high, if I’m not happy when I get home, then is it necessary? There are 5000 million Chinese people, and without me, I’m not even a drop in the bucket. Why are you so persistent and persistent? I want to be at peace, to be free...but...but, I can't live without you..."

I threw myself on him, wrapped my hands around his head, and kissed him fiercely, his lips, his eyes, the tears on his face...

Akira's heartbreaking plea rang in his ears. "Help me... thinking of you has helped me once, with you here... I'm not afraid of anything, but you have to help me..."

"Yeah!" I nodded vigorously, tears flowing with his.