hold a cigarette

15 Limo

Jin Shengyang was afraid of something, and his whole body was shrouded in a gray fog.

I leaned against the wall smoking a cigarette and watched him drink alone, wondering why he was doing this.

"Have you ever thought about dying?" I asked him.

Jin Shengyang turned to look at me, suddenly sneered and said, "None of your business?"

I couldn't help laughing: "You are really..."

He was holding the glass and looking at me fiercely. I even suspected that if he had a knife in his hand, he might throw it over.

"Capricious," I said, "brittle like glass one moment, sharp as a knife the next."

I smoked hard and said, "Icicle, you're an Icepick."

I wandered over and sat down next to him: "It looks very powerful, but in fact, you will melt if you put it on fire."

Jin Shengyang ignored me, as if the person who hugged me just now was not him.

"I don't know what you're hiding." I restrained myself a bit, and replaced "fear" with "hide" when I spoke, so as not to provoke him, "but have you ever heard of 'No Break, No Stand'?"

He just concentrated on drinking and ignored me.

"Sometimes you think you're the safest when you're wearing a cheongsam, but in fact..." I stretched out my fingers and unbuttoned his collar, "It's more comfortable to take it off."

He grabbed my hand: "Don't touch me."

"Tch," I laughed, "do you really think I rarely touch you?"

After I finished speaking, I flicked the cigarette ash on him deliberately, then turned around, and couldn't help but muttered in a low voice: "I'm really fucking rare."

Jin Shengyang is too awkward, he lives in a twisted way, and he has to restrain himself even though he wants it badly.

Isn't he tired?

When the cigarette was finished, I leaned on him and grabbed the wine in his hand.

"This wine is not good," I said, "I can't get drunk no matter how much I drink."

Not long after I said this, I lay on Jin Shengyang's lap and pretended to be asleep.

I'm not sure if he can see that I'm totally faking it, all the drunkenness and sleepiness are not there at all, and I don't know whether the kiss he landed on the tip of my nose after I pretended to sleep was involuntary or intentional, Is it because of love or is it implying something to me.

I didn't move until he carefully laid me flat on the rug and left the house.

When I opened my eyes, it was already late at night, and Jin Shengyang had been gone for a long time.

When he left, he turned off all the lights for me, but the curtains of the living room were not drawn, and the moonlight spilled in unreservedly.

I lay there motionless, looking at the ceiling and thinking about him.

I remembered what Jin Shengyang said about me, saying that I was more defensive than him.

How should I explain that Jin Shengyang can feel safe when he wears a cheongsam, and I haven't been able to find a comfort that can make me feel at ease in so many years.

When I touched the phone, there was still 19.00% of the battery left, which was enough for me to make a call.

At two o'clock in the middle of the night, I called Jin Shengyang's cell phone.

When he picked it up, he didn't make a sound, but I could tell he was outside.

"I was sent to an orphanage when I was eight years old," I said, "because my adoptive father died that year."

Jin Shengyang still didn't speak.

"I watched him die. He fell from the balcony, on the sixth floor, and his head was inserted by a steel bar downstairs who didn't know who put it there." I spoke calmly, recalling what happened 20 years ago.

The second hand of the wall clock on the wall was ticking. I counted five seconds, and then continued: "I don't know why he jumped off the building. When the police came to the house, I was so scared that I almost peed my pants."

I laughed while talking, and then I heard Jin Shengyang ask: "You really don't know why?"

"Of course I don't know." I said, "He should be living a very happy life. When he hit me every day, he smiled so happily."

Thinking of his appearance, I couldn't help laughing: "Really, I have never seen a happier person than him."

Jin Shengyang didn't speak, but I heard his breathing.

"Why would such a happy person commit suicide by jumping off a building? I can't figure it out." I said, "I still can't figure it out after 20 years of thinking."

"Li Mu."

"Ok?"

He called my name, and I stopped laughing almost maniacally.

He didn't talk anymore, we were silent with each other, until my phone started beeping to remind me that the battery was too low, and later, the phone turned off automatically, but I still didn't move, just let it stick to my ear until It was bright daylight.

How do I know why he is dying?

Hit me like I don't know why he's going crazy every day.

It's like I don't know why he cut me with a knife and burned me with cigarette butts.

It's like I don't know why he didn't give me food and kept humiliating me. From the age of six to eight, in two years, when I saw him, I started to tremble and sweat.

There are so many things I don't know, how do I know why he died.

The sun has risen, and the light is shining into the living room of my house.

I closed my eyes, and finally felt warmer. I changed my position, curled up on the carpet, and prepared to sleep comfortably like this.