burial

Aunt Lu died, a suicide.

My mother called me many times to urge me to go home and have a look. I heard the news as soon as I got home, just two days ago.

My mother couldn't help sighing when she mentioned this incident, and my father was also silently smoking a cigarette.

"After that day, it was rumored among the neighbors that as long as she went out, she would be pointed at. How could someone so proud of her bear those rumors... Lu Fei still refused to break up with that man, and even knelt when he was beaten. I beg his mother to forgive me... Swallowed medicine to commit suicide, the body was cold when I found it..."

My heart shrank into a ball, my mind was foggy, and it was blank.

I didn't listen any more, just turned around with a pale face: "I'll go see Aunt Lu." But when I turned around, I staggered and almost fell.

When I arrived at the cemetery, I found a familiar young man kneeling in front of Aunt Lu's tombstone. His back was lonely, and his whole body exuded a strong sadness.

I stepped forward to put down the flowers, and looked down at the man who had been kneeling for an unknown amount of time.His eyes were red, and his handsome face was pale and fragile without a trace of blood.His back slumped slightly, as if he was carrying an extremely heavy thing and was crumbling, as if he would fall overwhelmed the next moment.

"Brother Xiao Fei..." I squatted beside him and called him.

He looked at me sideways, as if trying to figure out who I was, and then forced a smile: "It's An An, it's so big..." Xu Shi hadn't spoken for a long time, and he hoarsely said, "Thank you for coming to see me Mother, she'll be glad to know."

"..." I opened my mouth, wanting to comfort me, but found that my words were powerless, so in the end I just said "sorry."

Lu Fei blinked, and tears flowed from the already dry eye sockets: "I have no right to mourn, an unworthy person like me should always live in remorse and grief."

"When I was young, my mother brought me up alone. I know she worked hard, so I have been studying hard, and I want to be a promising person for her to enjoy. She is such a bad-spoken person, but she always tells others that her son is so rich. excellent…"

As if finally unable to bear the enormous pain, he bent over and covered his face and cried bitterly: "The son who made her so proud became the biggest stain in her life, and finally forced her to commit suicide..."

I squatted beside him silently, my chest was tight, and I felt suffocated like I couldn't breathe.

"I always thought I wasn't sick, I wasn't a pervert, I just fell in love with someone of the same sex... I thought we could get through this, but I underestimated people's tolerance for this kind of thing... What else is there for a person like me I am qualified to be with the person I love, what right is there to be happy, I will never be able to forgive myself... I should go down and confess my mistake to my mother..."

There was a sudden thump in my heart, and I was about to speak, but saw Lu Fei wipe away his tears, and returned to that pale and silent look, as if he wasn't the one who collapsed just now.

I stretched out my arms and hugged him, I couldn't hide my anxiety and trembling when I said it, "Don't think about it, Brother Xiao Fei, you are only so old, you will pass... Aunt Lu doesn't want you to be like this, cheer up One point, it will pass..."

Lu Fei touched my head, a smile appeared on his pale face: "An An, thank you..."

He was silent for a while, and his tone became confused again, like a child who lost his way and didn't know how to get home: "You are still young, An An, you don't understand..."

No, I get it, I get it.I said in my heart.

I stayed with him there for a long while, and it was getting late, he advised me to go home early, and I agreed because he was in a normal mood.

When I got to the gate, I turned my head and saw him kneeling there from a distance, his back became blurred, almost blending into the dim night.

I kept silent after returning home. My parents thought it was because I was too sad after seeing Aunt Lu. Only I knew that I was afraid.This incident has affected me so much, I can't stop thinking about it all the time, I can't control my brain at all, it is a depressive pain, it almost drives me crazy.

I never thought that the time at the cemetery was the last time Lu Fei and I saw each other, and he jumped off the building the next day.

Jump down from the top floor of the community.

At that time, I just entered the community with the soy sauce my mother asked me to buy. After walking not far, I heard a few screams, and when I looked up, I saw his body.His slender limbs were twisted, a pool of red blood covered his body, and half of his face next to the ground was bloody and bloody. It was almost impossible to recognize him.

This way of dying should be very painful, but I can vaguely see a relieved smile on the corner of his pale mouth from the other half of his face.

There was a lot of noise all around, the sound of ambulances, and the screams of the crowd mixed together, and those voices seemed to be covered in a quilt, so they couldn't be heard clearly.

As soon as I let go, the soy sauce bottle exploded at my feet, glass shards splashed, and a few pieces of blood bleed across my arm, but I didn't feel any pain. I just walked home numbly with my feet full of thoughts It was all the scene of meeting Lu Fei yesterday.

There was no one at home, so they probably heard the movement and went out to help.I mechanically walked into the room, took off my shoes and went to bed, then huddled tightly at the foot of the bed and hugged myself with my arms, letting tears flow down my face.

The cause and effect of the whole incident went back and forth in my mind, and I shivered violently, not because of the fear of seeing a dead person, but because of the unspeakable fear of the future, which penetrated into the bone marrow and made people tremble.

After a long time, I dully remembered to take out my mobile phone and call Chu Zhian.

The moment I heard Chu Zhian's voice, all the defense lines collapsed instantly, and I sobbed and cried: "Brother... Brother Xiaofei is dead, he jumped off the building..."

Hearing me cry, there was a rustling sound of packing up things on the other end of the phone, Chu Zhian's voice hurriedly said, "Are you home now? Don't cry, I'll look for you right now, I'll go there right away!"

"Don't come here!" Before my brain could react, the words had already blurted out.

Chu Zhian can't come, he will know the whole thing when he comes, what will he think, will he be afraid, will he back down, will he give up on me... No, Chu Zhian can't come, he can't leave me.

There was a pause on the phone, Chu Zhian slowed down his voice: "An'an?"

I grabbed my phone nervously, and tried to calm down my tone: "I'm just a little scared, don't come here, if you meet Aunt Chu and Uncle Chu, you will have to fight again..."

Hearing this, Chu Zhian fell silent.

I went on to say: "I still have something to do now, I'll go to school after the meeting is over, and I'll go find you when the time comes."

"...Okay," Xu Shi really didn't want to argue with his parents anymore, Chu Zhi'an finally let go, "Then I'll wait for you at the school gate, don't be afraid of An'an, don't cry..."

I agreed with a couple of hums, then found an excuse and hung up the phone.

I squeezed the phone tightly, my brain kept thinking, and various pictures appeared alternately.What should I do, what should Chu Zhi'an and I do? My parents also couldn't accept it... I even had hallucinations in front of my eyes. It was not Aunt Lu who committed suicide but my mother, and it was not Uncle Chu who went to the hospital but Uncle Chu. My dad, the one who jumped off the building was Chu Zhian who couldn't bear the pressure...

"I always thought I wasn't sick, I wasn't a pervert, I just fell in love with someone of the same sex... I thought we could get through this, but I underestimated people's tolerance for this kind of thing..."

"What qualifications does a person like me have to be with the one I love, what qualifications is there to be happy, I will never be able to forgive myself..."

"I should go downstairs and confess my mistake to my mother..."

"You are still young, An An, you don't understand..."

……

Lu Fei's bewildered and desperate voice kept echoing in my ears, and as his corpse repeatedly appeared in front of my eyes, the smile at the corner of his mouth pierced deeply into my heart, and my internal organs shrank into a ball in pain.

The room was silent, and this oppressive and hopeless atmosphere broke me down. I hugged my head in pain and cried in a low voice: "Don't say it...don't say it...please don't say it..."

After some time, I thought of Chu Zhian.I wiped away my tears, washed my face and found that my eyes were red and swollen, it looked like I had been crying for a long time, I sighed, Chu Zhian was going to worry again.They haven't come back yet, so I sent them a message saying to go back to school first and leave.