salt by salt

I slowly reached out and hugged my knees, turned my head and looked at Yang Chen calmly.

"...Why?" Yang Chen seemed to find his own voice after a while.His brows and eyes were still so handsome that it made one's heart palpitate. There were water droplets dripping from the wet hair tips, and a bright and crystal drop quickly followed his shiny and firm muscles and fell into the water waves of the bathtub.

"Why? Well, why do you want to die? Xu Junyan, what are you talking about!?"

I suddenly felt tired, maybe it was because the previous bed exercise was too intense, or maybe this tiredness has been with me all the time.I sighed deeply, raised the most skillful smile, and said softly, "No reason. I'm past the time to talk about these things."

Yang Chen's eyes became gloomy, his face was very ugly, I stretched my waist, and there was the sound of splashing water.Immersing in hot water always makes people feel sleepy, I thought for a while and explained: "It's not about you...it's just that I'm so tired and want to rest."

"Why don't you say it? I want to hear it." Yang Chen paused, and said in a commanding tone, "We'll see a psychiatrist tomorrow, and I'll find the best doctor for you. You mustn't die."

"No need." I looked up at him, and realized that the pained look on his face was not a fake, and I felt a bit of inexplicable guilt in the revenge—maybe I was really cruel, "When I was in college, I saw Doctor, I have also taken medicine... I know what the problem is, but there is no way to solve it, it is better not to waste effort."

Yang Chen's Adam's apple rolled up and down, he was silent for a long time, and asked awkwardly: "Is it my fault...?"

His tone is subtle, somewhere between statement and question.I should have said "Indeed," so that I could complete the cruel revenge after so many years, and appreciate his remorse with a smile.But a belated revenge, like a belated apology, is a meaningless phantom that wanders in the gaps of time, an outdated email that serves no purpose.I'm not generous enough to forgive, just not happy about it.

Not wanting to lie, I replied, "No. Not exactly."

Yang Chen's eyes are so beautiful.I've never seen him look so bewildered now.He should always be in high spirits, as if he will always be that high-spirited young man with unruly eyes.This made my heart ache, so I endured my temper and told him again.

"Actually, it's all my own fault." I counted on my fingers, "It has nothing to do with other people. It is my shortcomings that have caused my failed life so far. I used to be proud of my sensitivity and precociousness, thinking that what I saw The world is different from others. But obviously I can’t do anything well, so I have low self-esteem and conceit. There are also cowardice, incompetence, selfishness, stupidity, self-righteousness... It’s my fault. It’s because I don’t deserve it but I’m greedy and want too much .”

"From Xu Junyan's birth, it was a complete mistake." I held Yang Chen's hand and said seriously, "So I don't want to commit suicide, I just want to solve this problem from the source."

As I talked, I smiled sincerely: "And I will choose the time well, I will not hinder anyone, and I don't need you to collect my body. At most, it will cause an insignificant burden to nature. At that time, you must I'm also married, maybe I can still participate in your son's full moon wine. And Andre... Hehe, there must be a group of blond brats calling me uncle."

Song Cheng will definitely become a big star by that day, and if he wants another poster with his signature, he has to ask someone to find a relationship.

Yang Chen looked very pale, I held his hand and comforted him: "This is a goal in my life to be accomplished, just like you want to start your own company, it is a task that must be completed. I don't like Marriage, I don't like children, most people's second half of life is just a waste of time for me, it's very boring."

"I know it's good to be alive. You can appreciate beautiful men when you are alive. Maybe I am strange in your eyes, inexplicable, and there is no special reason. Yes, there is no special reason, and I haven't experienced any huge blows. I It's too fragile. But... Well, Xu Junyan is such a person, I'm an ugly vase, once broken, I can't put it back together again."

I said softly: "It's my problem, I'll fix it. Do you know why I like to work overtime and have sex? Because it makes it easier to fall asleep... I don't know how to describe it to you, everyone has their own opinion. So Dying wasn’t painful for me, and even the decision made me accept each day more. Sometimes it’s just so, so hard to keep breathing.”

"To live is to die back and forth. I'm happy to be able to decide when and how I get to the end."

"...It's not like this." Yang Chen held the hand on my shoulder firmly, his voice was a little dazed, "It's not like that."

"Yang Chen." I touched his arm in the steaming heat, and in the end it was me persuading him. This kind of result made me dumbfounded, but I still softened my voice and said to him, "You... think about it."

He suddenly laughed twice, then stood up from the water with a cold face.Yang Chen looked at me condescendingly, gritted his teeth and announced a result that I had expected a long time ago:

"Xu Junyan, don't force me to tie you up. Die? Don't even think about it."

Yang Chen made arrangements faster than I thought.Our conversation just broke up the night before. This morning he dug me out of bed and was ready to drive me to the doctor. Today is a working day. I stayed up half the night and stayed up all night to arrange the things at hand. It seems that I want to follow me all day.

But yesterday, due to exhaustion and taking a hot bath, I slept soundly. I had no idea what he was doing with the computer all night.In short, when I was having breakfast, Yang Chen was reading with a thick stack of documents in his hand, his eyes were slightly black and blue.

I felt that this was not a big deal, so I went to see the doctor with an attitude of being happy with the situation, so I ate breakfast leisurely.While peeling the eggs, he asked him casually: "There are so many documents in the company?"

"It's not a document." Yang Chen didn't say much, but kept frowning, repeating some long nouns in his mouth.I happily finished a bowl of porridge, and suddenly I heard him ask, "Do you know the Depression Self-Rating Scale?"

"SDS, I know." I said casually, seeing Yang Chen's surprised expression, and said, "Self-rating depression scale, referred to as SDS, is a depression-related test. What's wrong? Oh, if you ask me about the self-test results , Let me tell you that these things are not allowed, my subjective feelings are very different, the results of mania and depression are different..."

"Don't talk nonsense." He patted the table with the stack of paper, "How many points? Tell me, and I'll help you see what level it is."

I looked at him quietly: "Yang Chen, don't waste your efforts."

"I've read a lot of information. Depression is just a disease, just like a cold and fever. If you don't cure me, I'll drag you to cure it." Yang Chen raised his eyes to meet my gaze, he was unexpectedly not angry, "I know I hurt you A lot, now you have to give me a chance to make amends. I beg you, Xu Junyan, you will cooperate with the doctor later, and I will thank God for not torturing myself, okay?"

I didn't say anything, Yang Chen propped his forehead, his voice showed a trace of exhaustion: "What do you need from me to be obedient?"

"...I am moderately depressed, have bipolar affective disorder and suicidal tendencies, and have received two years of professional psychological intervention. The medicine I am taking is quetiapine fumarate tablets and lithium carbonate tablets, but I have not recovered for a long time after eating I’ll buy it again, and I’ve been off the drug for four months.” I lowered my eyes and said it word by word, and breathed a sigh of relief, “Yang Chen, you’re not helping me, you’re just destroying my life plan. If you Really like me, just let me do what I want to do, I will thank you very much."

"I don't need your thanks." After a long silence, he said, "It's okay to hate me, I want you to live."