salt by salt

Rewind Xu Junyan's life, back to the day when he first met Andre.

I have seen other people's younger brothers, mostly babies in my arms, they are always crying and dancing, or little kids sucking the milky gas from their fingertips, and will forcefully snatch my paintbrush.These kids aren't exactly likable, but I still wish I had a brother.

I have thought about my younger brother many times. He should be very cute and well-behaved, and he will hold my hand sweetly.I would like to be the best brother, a brother who is different from others.I can give him all my toys, I can play games in the garden with him, and I can do many, many things for him.

Probably because I was too lonely, after hearing Xu's parents chatting and saying that my mother would return to China with my brother, I have been secretly looking forward to my brother's appearance.

But Andre was different from what I thought.

He was so good-looking, wearing a well-fitting and elegant little dress, holding one hand in his mother's hand, indifferent to the elders' praise, quiet and proud.They looked at me inadvertently, and said something I couldn't understand, and the disgusted eyes of everyone suddenly turned to me.

After the embarrassment, I shrank back to the dark corner and looked at him quietly and enviously.Those eyes are the most clear and crystal clear sapphires, which made me stare blankly at the corner of the stairs.The boy suddenly turned his face away and smiled brightly at me again.If I had learned to discern, I should know how pure malice is contained in this smile.

But I was still unavoidably addicted to this smile, and when he came towards me, I stretched out my hand, but he gently avoided it.

I want to get closer to him.

I want to be a good brother, at least able to hold my brother's hand.

Andre cleaned up after the wet me.He ejaculated deeply, my legs were so sore that I could hardly close them, my lower abdomen was involuntarily convulsed, and I was in a daze, looking at his handsome and focused face in a daze.

"Brother is awake?" He pecked and kissed my lips, buttoned the last button of my pajamas and carried me to his bed, saying with satisfaction, "Okay, I can go to bed now."

My voice was dry and hoarse, and I was momentarily stunned by his completely innocent expression. The almost crazy sex just now seemed to be just a dream.Andre took the water glass and took a sip, lowered his head and put it into my mouth. I was caught off guard and coughed several times, and the body fluid flowed down my jaw.

He complained coquettishly: "It's just drinking water, my brother can't even do this well."

But this poor moisture did moisten my throat.I said with difficulty: "Why are you today..."

"It's all my brother's fault."

"Eh……?"

"If you want to talk about the reason, it's because my brother seduced me first. It's too much, even my brother who is related by blood is not spared. Such a brother is not qualified at all." Andre evoked a faint smile.His hair was also wet, with water drops hanging down from the ends of his golden hair. "Wearing a soaked white shirt, he appeared in front of me after being drunk on purpose, and said some strange things. It was all a conspiracy."

I was dazed when I heard it. I thought Andre would always understand my essence in the later relationship, but I didn't expect him to know all this from the beginning.

Andre continued unhurriedly: "My brother obviously doesn't understand anything, but he insists on trying to act according to his own ideas, which is extremely stupid. Ha, the person who is still kept in the dark by you like this is probably worse than you." Be stupid."

"What are you talking about?" I interrupted hastily, "Don't speak so harshly. I haven't blamed you for suddenly going crazy today!"

"It's also annoying to pretend to be smart. Act like a good brother in front of me, a boyfriend in front of Yang Chen, and what is acting in front of your underground lover? But since the elder brother wants to act, how can the younger brother not cooperate?" ? The image of a good brother and a bad brother, I don’t know which one I am more satisfied with?”

"Seeing how enthusiastic you are, don't you feel bored if you play too much? Anyway, I'm a little bored, and this kind of thing is meaningless." He insisted on going on without hesitation, protracted his tone, and smiled The image is like a thin blade, "I have been taking Chinese classes since I was a child. It is really difficult to resist pretending to only know a few words. Brother, look, I have paid so much for you, how can I repay me?"

Andre had a slightly mocking look on his face, his cheeks were still a little red from the heat in the bathroom, but the rose-like blush was hard to touch my heartstrings that were about to collapse.

Even though I was wearing pajamas, it seemed that I was completely naked in front of him, and any mean thoughts would be seen through.His lofty gaze was like a steel needle, piercing into my already riddled self-esteem, and a little dark red pus and blood flowed out.

"Why? Why did you treat me like this... If you knew from beginning to end, why did you do this?!" I struggled to sit up, grabbed his collar and asked, "If you look down on me, stay away from me! Why? Want to humiliate me? I, no matter what I am, I am still your brother..."

He clasped my wrist with a chuckle, tightened his slender white fingers, and slowly took my hand away: "It's because you are my brother."

"I do not understand what you meant--"

"I've always wondered why someone like you is my brother."

Andre spoke very slowly, as if caring for my rusty and difficult-to-operate brain, "Looks, brains, abilities, nothing is on the table at all. You can only play tricks, and you can't do big things. Even if you are stupid enough to let me Shame on the family, you are also my real brother, from the same womb as me, it always bothers me. Why are you so useless? Then my mother said to me, you don't want to let this happen People hate, there is no way to like you."

"Although the criminals commit atrocities, they are actually weak. Because the weak have low requirements for the living environment, and seize every opportunity and even create opportunities to leave their offspring. Otherwise, how can the race continue? Of course, this is not the case. Blame brother, blame the other half of your body's dirty genes, brother, you are also a very poor victim, and you have made a mess of your life..."

"Do you usually think of me that way?"

My voice trembled unconsciously, with waves of embarrassment and anger rushing to my head, and I suddenly raised my pitch, "Andre, you took the wrong medicine today? Do you really want to quarrel with me? Before you speak, can you Overthinking? Shut up now!"

He pursed his lips, and the remaining smile was particularly dazzling: "Brother, don't you dare to listen?"

I was so angry with his bastard words that I had a splitting headache, my whole body was hot, and my heartbeat was so fast that my chest ached, and I said bitterly: "You...Andre, do you have a conscience? It's not your favor to sleep with me I would? If you don’t like it, why do you want to show me? I told you not to regret it! Besides, no matter how much I, Xu Junyan, fail, it’s my own choice. What kind of thing are you, pointing fingers at me?”

I took a heavy breath and tried to calm my emotions, but I was still burned by the roiling anger and lost my mind, and I was even more annoyed when I saw Andre's stunned expression.I stretched out my hand and pointed at the door, and shouted without thinking:

"Fuck your good brother and bad brother, if it weren't for your face, what do you think you can do? I don't lack your bed warmer-get out now, as far as you can , don't let me dirty your eyes!"

By the end of the screaming, my eyes were filled with tears, and I knew that I must be extremely hideous and embarrassing now.When I said the last sentence, my voice became softer and softer, and I thought in a trance that every word was true:

"I am the son of a rapist, are you satisfied?"

He seemed to be intimidated by my fury, opened his mouth and said nothing.I don't know where the strength came from, as soon as I pushed him away, I was about to leave his room with bare feet.Andre suddenly jumped up and hugged my waist tightly, he immediately changed his face, and said sadly: "Brother, I'm just joking, I don't really think so, I just want to annoy you..."

I still remember that Andre stood alone at the airport with his luggage, looking out the window arrogantly and indifferently.

He stood like an iceberg, shining brightly in the sun, but no one dared to approach him.

When I was working, I suddenly received a call from my mother, asking me to pick up this younger brother who I hadn't seen in more than ten years.I don't know his exact location, but no one answered my phone call.Because I was afraid that he would get lost alone, I trot all the way after getting out of the car, and I was exhausted when I found him out of breath.Just when he was about to call his name, he seemed to have sensed something and turned to look at me.

The clear blue sky and white clouds are behind him, like the sapphire that fascinated me when I first saw it.

Andre spoke unskillfully, and then showed a beautiful smile that I am familiar with.His voice was very soft, as if he was afraid of the hunter who would startle the prey, making me ignore the maliciousness hidden in the secret place, and fall straight into the irreversible trap:

"elder brother."

I suddenly forgot what I was going to complain about, and took two steps towards him in a daze, and stretched out my hand again without hesitation.

"...The acting is very good. You are a talent if you don't go to a film school." I gritted my teeth and looked at him coldly. Usually I don't resist because I don't want to make it too ugly. Sometimes I follow their opinions. Be less contradictory.But if we really fight, I am a big man and I am not a vegetarian, so I can make him feel a little bit disadvantaged, "Aren't you tired of acting too much? There is no need to act now, and I don't need you as a 'good brother'. Say it again, Let go. I'll go if you don't, or do you prefer me to call the police?"

Andre's face was pressed against my back, we were deadlocked for a few seconds, and he slowly and unwillingly let me go.

In the end, I didn't make a qualified brother.

Because I am very selfish, so selfish that I would rather be alone than get hurt.

I opened the door and entered my room, closed the door and leaned against the wall.My brain was muddled, my mouth was full of blood, my heart was beating so fast that I was afraid, and my legs were so weak that I couldn't even walk.But these are not worth mentioning. What makes me flustered the most is the all-too-familiar feeling in my chest.

As if being pierced by someone's chest, there is a gap where crazy screams are poured into pain.

I became a leaky balloon, weeping and struggling in despair, feeling life draining from my body.It's been a long time since I've done this, why would I do it again?I'm obviously getting better...why is it still like this?

I seemed to be thrown into the lake, my consciousness was blurred, I couldn't breathe, my eyes were filled with endless darkness, and there was no sound in my ears.I spat out a few words vaguely, thinking that I had screamed for help, but what I actually uttered was as thin as a gnat.

Am I going to die here?The door is locked with a fingerprint, and Andre may have left, and no one will find me.I would die in my room, on the cold floor, withered and ugly.This kind of thought brought back the fear deep in my memory. That year I slept alone in the hospital bed and felt the fear of being abandoned by the world.

I know that light can give me a sense of security, but I couldn't even get up the strength to press the switch to turn on the light and fell to my knees on the ground. I could only grope around the bed with trembling hands.

Where are the cigarettes?I need cigarettes, alcohol, sedatives, sleeping pills, these things can make me paralyze myself the fastest, anything is fine, as long as it can fill the leaky hole there——

I don't know what was swept to the ground, I hurriedly held it in my hand, and stuck it to my cheek.

The boxy objects are warm and hard, as if carrying body heat.I belatedly realized that this was the seal Song Cheng gave me, and tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably.

"Song Cheng, Song Cheng, Song Cheng, Song Cheng..." I shouted his name desperately, as if I could call that warm person to my side, "Help me, I'm so uncomfortable, I'm so uncomfortable... ..."

This small seal really brought me a sense of security, I slowly stood up and struggled to turn on the light, found the mobile phone on the bedside, opened the address book, and tremblingly pressed a number.The call was picked up almost as soon as it was on the air. I squeezed my arm hard to calm myself down, and said to the phone while holding back my sobs:

"I'm Xu Junyan. I may not be in a good condition right now... Are you free?"