salt by salt

After the phone call, I regained a little strength, put on a sweater and trousers, pushed open the door, and looked at Andre who was standing outside my door, raising his hand to knock.I didn't expect that he hadn't left yet. I took a deep breath and covered my tear-stained face with my hands, restraining my emotions and asking, "What's the matter?"

He lowered his beautiful eyebrows, and now he looked a little helpless and docile: "Brother, I'm worried about you..."

"Is it interesting?" I wanted to pull the corner of my mouth and sneer, but I didn't want him to know that I was crying helplessly just now. When I turned my head, I felt powerless, "Get out of the way. Don't force me to do it."

"I didn't mean it, I just—"

Andre looked at my face, pursed his lips and said nothing, I walked past him to the living room to put on his coat, and bent down to change his shoes.He was only wearing loose and thin pajamas, showing his fair neck and beautiful face, with a stubborn and pitiful look: "Brother, where are you going so late?"

"Don't call me brother, I don't deserve it."

I don't look at the vulnerable image he puts on, put on my shoes, get the keys and go out.I turned around before the door closed, and Andre stood at the junction of shadow and light, looking at me steadily.The half of him in the light is so bright, like a sparkling angel.I couldn't see his other half in the dark.

I don't want to see clearly either.

I was looking up at the moon when Dr. Wu's car drove into the community.

On the dark blue night hangs a bright yellow crescent moon with clear outlines.

I suddenly feel that everything in this world is fuzzy.Only the moon, the moon and its brilliance, the sky, and all the mortals who look up in the world are separated by sharp and cold eternity.It is so resolute and so beautiful, indifferently overlooking all the humble love and hate parting in this late spring night.

Dr. Wu got out of the car in a hurry, and he asked me to sit in the passenger seat of the car.The heater in the car was fully turned on, and I was too cold to wear too little clothes.He took the blanket from the back seat and handed it to me, with a worried expression on his face: "Is it cold?"

I numbly shook my head, not rejecting the kindness.He started the car and said naturally: "The clinic is closed, I'll take you to where I live, is that okay?"

I looked out the window and didn't answer, so he didn't ask any more questions.Wu Mian has a special temperament. He is very similar to the female doctor I once trusted, gentle and firm, with a little compassion unconsciously in his questioning expression.This almost affectionate emotion is not easy to detect, and it is difficult to see in other people, perhaps because they have grieved for the patient so many times.

The light of the street lamp quickly passed over my face. In this warm and small space, I was covered with a soft blanket, and I was overwhelmed by confusion and exhaustion.

"...I've done too many things wrong."

Dr. Wu's voice was calm and reliable, and his tone was comforting: "Everyone makes mistakes. Including you and me."

"But... I've done too many, too many mistakes." Every time I uttered a word, it took a part of my strength, but I still wanted to say something, "I don't know what to do anymore."

"Toshihiko, if you are willing to tell me, I will do my best to help you." He stopped at the red light and looked at me earnestly and tenderly, "It's too hard to carry on with problems, I want to help you Take on some, okay?"

I didn't speak.It's not that I didn't answer on purpose, it's just that I feel very tired.Talking is tiring, thinking is tiring, breathing is tiring, living is tiring.If only I could just sleep like this without waking up and not face all this.

"It's just a small chat between friends." Dr. Wu probably noticed my tiredness, and he said softly, "Let's talk about it lightly, and make an assumption: if we do it all over again, nothing bad happened, Junyan, you How do you want to live? What do you want to get with your new life?"

I sat up and forced myself to think about this hypothesis very, very seriously.

If the 22 years that belonged to Xu Junyan were just a dream.

If there is a new life.

"I want... want so many things, I can't tell."

Even for such a simple question, it is difficult for me to answer it calmly.

I want to escape from Xu's family, get rid of their disgusting eyes, grow up bright and aboveboard, and do what I like.I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be so dirty with lies that I spurn myself, I want to live a normal life.

I have always been quiet, even to the point of withdrawn.There was once an elementary school teacher who liked me very much. When she saw that everyone else was playing together during recess, and I was the only one sitting in class reading in silence, she asked me if I was being bullied and excluded.I said I don't like playing with them, I just like being alone.She touched my head and said, it's okay, sometimes you don't have to worry about what other people think.

It was she who told me to be an honest and kind person.I want to be such a person.

The simple reason is that such people are nice.The underlying reason is my utilitarian mentality, because such people will be popular, because they will be liked by others.

I want to be affectionate, gentle, and unrequited.But I didn't do it. I clearly knew how selfish and cruel I was, and in the process of falling, I also dragged others down.Because of wanting revenge, because of a whim, because they couldn't let go, they were dragged into the abyss of pain one by one by me.

I know I was wrong, but it's too late.I tried to fix it, but it only got worse and worse.Is this good or evil?Maybe it's because no matter which one is pure enough, I will be so painful.

And the desire to be loved, even in the quagmire of pain, still exists conspicuously.

In fact, the most difficult thing to say about this issue is that...

I want to be loved.

I opened my mouth and did not make a sound. Dr. Wu held the steering wheel and had no complaints about my long silence.He said patiently and softly, like coaxing a child: "It's okay, let's list them one by one slowly. I'm listening."

I looked at him sideways, slowly revealing a hopeless smile.

In this world, how could you—how could you stop the fall of the soul?

Dr. Wu took out the key and opened the door, and let me go in first.The location of this apartment is very good, the style is simple and clean, but there are some unpacked coats on the back of the sofa.He smiled embarrassedly, and said to me: "I haven't cleaned the house very much, so I'm laughing at you."

With someone by my side to accompany and comfort me, I have become much calmer.I sat on the sofa and looked around, a little surprised: "I interrupted...Does Dr. Wu live alone?"

He took the clothes into the cloakroom, went to the kitchen and poured hot milk for me: "Yes, bachelor."

This is beyond my expectation.After all, Wu Mian is already in his thirties, has a good job and looks good, so he doesn't look like he's going to be single no matter what.And his reliable and gentle temperament, I always think it comes from a happy and complete family.He sat down opposite me and explained: "I was divorced once, and my ex-wife lived with her daughter."

So that's how it is... I said awkwardly, "Your daughter must be very cute."

"She is very clingy and very close to me." Dr. Wu showed a gentle expression. He brought a photo album and showed me the photos. "I want to accompany her to the amusement park every month."

I nodded, his daughter was about three or four years old, holding a cotton candy and smiling sweetly, her round face was very cute.When I looked back, I accidentally glanced at another photo next to it. The girl in it was skinny and dull-eyed. It looked like a skeleton at first glance, which shocked me.

"This is one of my patients." Dr. Wu noticed my surprise and said in a low voice, "He has passed away."

"Sorry." I lowered my eyes, "Why... is she so thin?"

"...Adolescent anorexia. She was a very likable girl. She was only 17 years old when she left." Dr. Wu's voice was very soft, "She told me repeatedly that if I meet similar patients again in the future, I must Tell them about her, let them treat her seriously, and don't end up like this. At that time, she only weighed [-] pounds, so I asked me to take a photo of her, and this photo came out."

I took a closer look and found that this photo was taken by Polaroid. The person in the photo has mottled skin and thinning hair, and it is not obvious that it is a girl in adolescence at all.But she still smiled lightly, and even made a difficult gesture of V to the camera.

I don't know what to say to this life that longs to live but is gone.Dr. Wu thoughtfully took the photo album and handed the cup of hot milk to me. He said in a warm voice: "As long as any problem is not irreversible, we should try harder, shouldn't we? Maybe the process is difficult, But if you give up, there is no possibility of healing.”

"Last time you said that sometimes pain can take over everything for you. I think if the heart is a container, can we put out some bad emotions every time and put in some good things? It's hard at first Speak out, then we will start from the most superficial layer and heal your wounds little by little."

Wu Mian stretched out his hand to cover the back of my hand: "Junyan, you can just talk about the simplest troubles you face, and we will start to solve the easiest problems. Trust me, I will be the most loyal listener, okay?"

"I……"

I closed my eyes, the scorching heat spread from the glass to my palm, and finally raised my head to look at Wu Mian:

"...I slept with my own brother."