Nankang Bai Qi, if he knows you left

To be

Imagining Nankang written by his vision

——

In 2008, there were no smart touch-screen mobile phones at that time. At that time, it could be said that it was very simple. A small PHS mobile phone was only half the size of a palm, with 9 buttons on it, and a small blue button in the middle. The screen, and then simple text.

This should be about that time.

It can also be said that it can be regarded as the kind of old-age machine.

Remove the current high-speed rail, remove the touch screen mobile phone, a lot of technology, in 08, it should be simple.

At the end of February 08, a cold wind came, but it suddenly swept the window in front of you with an unprecedented chill, with a whistling sound, which made you slightly stunned while watching TV, isn’t it? Scared, but stunned.

Looking at the strong wind, you feel inexplicably wrong in your heart, and subconsciously want to reach out to pick up the PHS, but you pause slightly.

"Click." You suddenly heard the sound of putting the plate on, looking for your reputation, it was your wife who put the prepared dishes on the table, and then smiled and called you to come over for dinner.

And suddenly a familiar and no longer familiar face flashed in your mind, his smile was as warm as the sun, but when his wife smiled at you like that, he passed away lightly.

The hand touching the PHS button paused slightly, and you finally nodded a little unsteadily, then picked up the phone and walked towards your wife——

You are married. In the past two years, your career has been on the rise, your salary has been increasing, and there are many respectful employees around you. Sometimes you are too busy, so busy that you can only go home for dinner at night. Apart from eating or watching TV, I actually can't talk to my wife much.

Such a stable day, but when you feel wrong today, you stop inexplicably.

You finally, after thinking about it for a long time, turned on the PHS without worry, and clicked the button until you saw the name of a "little boy", your heart suddenly beat fast, as if your uneasiness just now confirmed what you are doing now things.

——Xiao Maohai, sounds like a funny and friendly name, your wife also asked you who this person is, you just smiled and said, this is my college classmate, buddy, a very good one .

But in your heart, it occupies a small and small place. In fact, it is not a buddy, but your former lover, your man.

Yes, you are gay, you met him at the university, and lived together with him in a rented house next to the university in 02, until 06, you stopped living with him because you were going to get married.

From 02 to 06, for more than 5 years, we were together bit by bit, noisy, and accompanied all the way. You knew his every move by heart, and the familiar feeling could no longer be familiar.

However, it is no longer possible.

You are very clear that the path you chose in the end is the path you and your wife are taking now, because you can't bear the worldliness and family values, you finally returned to the ordinary worldliness of marrying a wife, but... you left that person...

But you have to admit, you still like him.

The years have already planted an indelible person in your heart, and no matter how you cover it up, you can't hide that yearning.

Do you still remember the first time you moved out of the home where he lived with him, and when you drank the celebratory wine with the staff, you were drunk and lay on the big bed, unconscious, waving your hands for a long time, and yelling unconscious words, you His eyes suddenly stopped at the ceiling, then got up, and hurriedly looked around.

But I found that the current place is already a strange place, and it is no longer a place with him.

Oh, you are going to get married, you will lie on the bed and think so when you are drunk, but you clenched your fists tightly, hugged your head, and said nothing.

You know, it's empty, it's hard.

Because without him, without him here, he would not be helping you, pouring water for you, covering you with a quilt gently, and then gently teasing you with a joke, patting your face.

This matter - the little hairy boy.

It's been two years, do you still remember that when you sent out the wedding invitation, you stopped on the text message in PHS, do you want to reply to him?

I thought so at the time.

How embarrassing will it be?

but you don't feel

you still posted

You still remember what you said, and told him that in the future, you will find someone who can hold you down and live your life.

You feel bad.

To put it bluntly, you still want to see him.

Regardless of all the weird thoughts, I just want to see him.

You still sent it.

In the end, under the overwhelming wine glasses, you suddenly feel inexplicably uncomfortable. In front of you is a very excited employee who is smiling, calling for your manager, and clinking glasses with you again and again.

There is a lot of noise in your ears, all of which are yelling. You suddenly feel annoyed and want to go to a quiet place, but when you walk to the door, you feel a gust of cold wind blowing from the door. You look at the dark alley in front of you, but feel , you have no direction to go.

Inexplicably sad, I don’t know why, you took advantage of the alcohol, picked up the PHS, and typed a few words in a panic, you didn’t know how serious you were, maybe you were sober and didn’t know that you were in such an environment Type a paragraph, and then send a text message——

"Little hairy boy, I miss you, I'm sorry, don't blame me, I still like you."

The cold wind wakes up half of your energy, and you end up smoking a cigarette, falling into this darkness, silent.

——

It has been two years, and you are touching your PHS in a daze, and when you look back, there are still three words on the screen in front of you - "little hairy boy."

You watched it for a long time, and finally laughed, what are you thinking, he is probably still living such a good life, writing his novels, and still working.

How can there be any instability, just thinking too much.

The moment you dropped your phone and walked into the bedroom, you suddenly remembered that when you got married, there was no him, and you only heard the college classmates around you say that he and our school classmates went out to play that day.

You feel lost, but feel inexplicably irritable, and in the end, you still don't see him coming.

But the wedding went on smoothly.

From now on, you are someone who has a wife, let alone have anything to do with him...

When you are lying on the bed, your wife is sleeping on the right side, you look at the ceiling, and suddenly think emptyly, "It's been 08..." Two years have passed since you got married.

How is he?

You finally fell asleep after looking at the three words "little hairy boy", but this dream was so good, it made you dream that under the dim light, you got drunk on the bus, and then he who used to laugh and laugh, I was seeing you smiling warmly like the sun, and then I touched your arm and asked you, are you okay?

You smiled one day in the dream: "Not much, it's okay." Not very drunk, the two of them have slowly walked towards the path with warm light in front of them, and there is a feeling of peace of mind, that day, you slept very contentedly .

But I didn't find that there was a dark cloud outside the window.

——

3 month 27 day.

The mediocre month is approaching, and it is obviously March that is about to pass, but you have heard a piece of news - "Is it true?!"

The group of college classmates who hadn’t been in touch for two years suddenly received this news. At first you just clicked on it curiously, and took a look at it. You can only see two sentences at a time, and you look at it with some puzzlement——

"What's the matter? I haven't contacted you for a long time. Why are you so excited?"

"No, no, it's not excitement, it's... our department, who, Zhou xx heard that he left..."

You press to the right, and the news slowly emerges when you see the name "XX Zhou", your hand suddenly stops, and then you are stunned.

Little furry boy?

gone? ?

Where did you go?

You suddenly replied: "Where did he go?"

Someone in your department suddenly said: "Damn, you're actually online..." Somewhat shocked, they replied: "Don't you know?!"

In their eyes, the relationship between you two is like good buddies.

You didn't understand, so you replied: "I don't know, what's wrong?"

Something is inexplicably wrong in your heart, you suddenly think this way, and suddenly after you just sent this sentence, there is no new news, you waited for a long time without knowing it, until you wanted to make an irritable call, and suddenly saw a sentence——

"Zhou xx... is gone. I heard from his friend that he was found in the Xiangjiang River..."

For a whole sentence, there was a lively group for a moment, and suddenly it seemed to be frozen, not speaking...

You, stunned.

You froze for a long time, and suddenly you pressed someone's phone in disbelief, waited for the call to connect and shouted: "What the hell are you talking about?!" A stomach full of anger poured out of your mouth, and you made fun of him It's overdone!

The person over there seemed to be in a daze, not speaking for a long time, and you still wanted to get angry, when you suddenly heard a sobbing sound, a little aggrieved and sad, the voice fluctuated, cried for a while, and finally mustered up the courage, A little hoarsely said: "Jilong...he's gone, really gone...he committed suicide by throwing himself into the river, Jilong...really, it's true!" After speaking, you started to cry, your whole body seemed to be disconnected After staying for a long time, you suddenly feel that the whole world is frozen, except for the "click, click" sound of the alarm clock around you, you feel that your whole body is not good.

Except the heart is beating slightly.

is that a lie?You blinked, suddenly thinking this way.

The voice next to his ear was still crying and twitching: "Jilong, it's true... the man was found in the river. The police took out a working calling card from his mobile phone in his pocket and inquired. His family, his family rushed over, and the whole person collapsed..." The classmate was still crying: "How is it possible, how is it possible for such a good buddy, right? Jilong...!" Suddenly, he realized that The phone hung up abruptly.

Your hands and body are shaking violently, you hold the phone tightly and press a few keys quickly, and finally you hear the beeping sound on the phone——

Your heart is tied and hung like an iron chain, as if your whole life is hanging on this phone.

"Duddu——" the heart is pounding, ringing along with your anxious heart, until——

"The user you dialed has shut down..."

Peng.

You seem to have heard an incredible shock in your heart, your whole body trembled slightly, then grabbed a piece of clothing, picked it up and rushed out——

You would never have imagined that that day, everything was quiet except for him, the cars driving around, and the noise of people, as if you were deaf.

Only you know that worry, panic, fear, disbelief, all kinds of emotions came out that day!

You passed the red light, and seeing that you were getting closer and closer to Central South University, you thought to yourself that it's not far away, not far away...

Ah Qi... not far away, wait for me!

Fake, everything is fake!

Finally arrived, the neighborhood you are familiar with and haven’t been here for a long time, the moment you get down, you can’t find the road you have walked for a long time...

Even your legs are flustered, only your brain is still a little rational...

Your view goes from the stairs, to the second floor, to the third floor, until...

Suddenly, you seem to see a familiar person, who is actually a classmate you haven't seen for a long time.

He turned around slightly, with that lonely and empty expression, when he saw you, he was shocked for a moment, then became angry, walked up to you in a moment, clenched his fists and shouted: "What are you doing here, What are you doing here..." Suddenly, his eyes turned red, and a lot of tears flowed down his face.

You see him stunned like this, and then he looked up at the familiar door in front of him, and suddenly heard a faint cry from inside, with a hoarse cry...

It sounded like the cry of a woman years ago, mixed with the cries of some middle-aged women, your heart beat violently for a long time, you trembled, and finally spit out two words: "Inside?"

When that man saw you, he stared at you fiercely and said, "It's all because of you, he was able to get to this point, you killed him!"

You suddenly felt a little unsteady and said, "What do you mean, what are you talking about, where is he?!" Then you pushed him away in a panic, and when you opened the door——

For a moment, you are stunned...

I saw, for a moment, a man with his back to you suddenly appeared in his mind, turned his head to look at you, and then smiled very warmly, there was a sunset outside the window, smiling at you with a warm feeling, a kind of his As I used to love to say, the years come like peace.

This is not the case,

In front of him, there is still the setting sun, with a warm feeling, but at this time, what he feels is not warm, but still cool, there is no him in the room, two women, one squatting down, and one supporting her Middle-aged woman, you look at the setting sun, and the two of them look at you with sad eyes and tears. At that moment, you feel inexplicably familiar...

The woman and the middle-aged woman in front of you have similar characteristics to him. Although they are not the same, they always give you a familiar feeling...

Your heart suddenly felt uneasy, and as this thought appeared, the woman suddenly said that sentence, slowly confirming your next thought——

"Are you also looking for Xiao Zhou?"

"We are his family..."

"I'm sorry, he's gone... What should I do? How could such a good boy leave? Are you his classmates? How is he doing recently?! Why did he leave suddenly!" The middle-aged woman suddenly felt uncontrollable I came up and grabbed your arm, complaining that I don't understand, a large tear dripped on your clothes in an instant, and you didn't respond except for a buzzing in your head, as if you didn't have a soul...

You can only faintly hear: "His body was found in the river..."

"He has depression and generally sleeps less..."

In the end you don't know where you are going, you don't even know when you walked out of this room, out of this corridor, and finally lay down on the ground beside you, looking up at the sunset that was about to be swallowed by darkness, thinking secretly: "Where should I go?" ...?"

The cold wind is blowing on your body, and your whole body is devoid of energy. Except for a drop of warm things falling from your eyes, which brings you back to your senses, you have no other thoughts...

On the road full of cold wind, you walk like a soulless person, thinking about everything that happened to him in your mind: "On March 3, his body was found in Xiangjiang River..." Vigorously, it was as if the world had turned upside down, break your heart...

You never know how shocking it is to lose someone alone, and also... scared and reluctant.

In the end, you cried, crying very sadly, and all you could think of was the scene under the bus, a man with bangs, wearing a work suit, his fair face looked very gentle under the soft light, looking at it with a smile You said: "Did you drink too much?" Standing together on the bus platform.

Now, you walk to the bus stop, wait until countless doors are opened for you, and hear countless drivers shouting: "If you don't go, don't get so close! Get up!"

Under the countless cold winds blowing and messing with your hair, you slowly define a thing in your heart, watching the bus disappearing in the distance, disappearing on the black road, hiding in the fog, just like him Same, never coming back...

You walked around, and suddenly started running, running very fast, very fast, speeding towards death, panting for breath, and suddenly shouted: "Zhou Bogang!!! Where are you going?" ?!!!"

Under the dark sky, a pleading voice rang out in a quiet environment. You gasped for breath, and suddenly felt something slipped from your face, covering your cold skin layer by layer with warmth. superior.

As warm as his hands.

A large piece of tears flowed, no matter how hard they flowed, you suddenly laughed, not knowing whether to laugh or cry...

March 3th, a day that should have passed, an ordinary day that can no longer be ordinary, you know, there is a person who will never come back...

——

On March 3, you suddenly received a text message saying: "I'll wait for you to turn 2, if you don't come by then, I'll go find someone else."

On March 3th, you connected a phone call, and a familiar and no longer familiar voice rang out, full of nostalgia and longing for grievances: "I will wait for you until you are 5 years old..." Then you suddenly laughed and said: "It's okay, it's still... ...I wish you happiness." That day, only the windy voice and his forced smile could be heard from the phone.

But it became, listen to him, time for the last time.

——

Time flies by, sweeping away the sadness in your heart, leaving a big hole in your heart, only you know, no matter how you fill it, you can't fill that hole.

Someone is gone and leaves a sad place in your heart that can never be filled again.

I don’t know how long it has passed, or how many years, when you opened the post again in Tianya—[I’ll wait until you are 35 years old], you found that Nankang had already gone offline.

That sentence, on the phone: "I'll wait for you until you're 35..." The next sentence is actually——

"But I'll never be 35, so I'll wait for you forever. 』

In front of me, it seems that someone is gently suing this sentence, as if long ago, hugged him, watched his every move and smiled at himself, and said that he and I turned into writing and writing—[Six Chapters of a Floating Life] .

But since he left, I never thought that there would be another one—[I'll wait until you're 35 years old. ]

It seems that he can still hear his complaints and expectations: "If you don't come by then, I'll go find someone else."

You have already left, and I am the only one left in this world, where you used to be, where you walked over and over again, but in a different place, yes, without you.

When you look at these two posts, your slowly numb heart starts to throb, and finally, you burst into tears, just like this book, every word contains the sadness and suffering he once told.

——

In 09, the accounts of Tianya and Nankang were cancelled. The reason for the cancellation was: "The Sri Lankan has passed away, and I can't bear to look back."

You may have a son, you may have a daughter, but no one else.

Time flies by, you have already forgotten the PHS you used, only the touch screen mobile phone is left.

In 2015, you stood on the Xiangjiang River and looked at the water, which rose and fell like breathing. Those loves and sorrows have long been numb in the years, leaving only a shell. When you look at the Xiangjiang River, you finally smiled and said: "Ah Qi, long time no see." Then he walked.

Soon, a few more people came and shouted at the big river: "Nankang, he is already 35 years old, don't wait for him anymore!" I didn't notice that your footsteps paused slightly, and suddenly you almost couldn't walk.

There is the sound of water in your ears, but you hear a voice that has nothing to do with this world, and you suddenly notice that the warm sunset is shining on the river.

You glanced at it, and finally sighed, took the hand of the child beside you and said, "Let's go."

Let's go, let's melt into this world again, you and I meet, separated by the gate of life and death.

I can no longer touch you.

In the end, I still integrate into the world. I don’t know how much I have forgotten you in the end, or how much I remember your appearance?

It doesn't matter...

——

2008.3.9

A man in casual clothes, with his back to the woods behind, and a river in front of him, then he turned around, revealing a fair face, black hair, and black eyes looking at the faintly flickering lights in the distance , Then smiled and said: "I will wait for you to be 35 years old, but I will never be 35 years old, so ah, I will wait for you forever..." Then I jumped down.

"Wow——" A big wave gushed out of the river, as if waking up the moon. The moon was slightly bright, but it was covered by a dark cloud...

It's like covering up the last hope.

---

darkness, darkness...

"Gulu...Gulu..." At the end of the sinking into the dark river, there were silent voices all around, only the last consciousness remained, I... want to...

Leave...he...has...?

Ha... gurgling... continuous water, drowning his sanity...

Amidst the gurgling sound of the water, a sense of suffocation was taking his breath away again and again...

…………

……

"Little hairy boy..." It seems... I heard his voice again...

I... miss you, I miss you so much...

gollum...

gollum...

The breath was pulled away one by one, the feeling of being submerged and difficult to breathe was uncomfortable, and it was slowly numbing his consciousness, swallowing his last scene of looking at this world.

In front of you are the lights of the city reflected on the water...

He stretched out his hand...but saw the light getting farther and farther away from him...

...... Gululu...

...

Those struggling hands finally fell into silence, and his last vision was a little hazy. As his body was immersed, the reflections of colorful lights on the water surface appeared in front of his eyes——

Suddenly remembered: "The dusk floating on the river is so peaceful in this world."

Can…

but I…

Even in the end, I still wish to make your years safe...

The present world is stable...

In the end, I still worry about you...

gollum...gollum...

gollum...

…………

...

[I love you. ]

[With my whole life, love you forever...]

"You...must come." No one knew, before he threw himself into the river, he suddenly smiled, thinking this way, with his last hope in his life.

Just because you are my whole world.

______

It seems that after he has been away for several years, and it is time to change to a touch-screen mobile phone, you suddenly hear your wife say that you want to change your mobile phone while having dinner one day. The old one should be replaced, and a new one should be replaced.

You froze for a moment, then immediately shook your head, suddenly couldn't hold the chopsticks in your hand, and immediately said angrily with displeasure: "No!" Your wife was stunned by the angry tone.

Even the children who were eating happily at the side were a little stunned by what you said, looking at you with big eyes as if they were frightened, and then whispered: "Daddy?"

The wife was a little unhappy and said: "If you don't change it, don't change it, don't scare the child." Then she went to comfort the child gently.

You finally fell silent, and then said: "I'm sorry, I'm tired." Then you got up and walked to the bedroom, turned on the light, went to the desk and opened the drawer. Inside was the PHS you used in college.

You look at it for a long time like touching a precious thing, until you press the button, and then the screen starts to light up, and you subconsciously click on the letter very habitually——

There are many recipients, but the first one is the one you have always kept in mind—the little hairy boy.

Finally, you sighed, and with long thoughts, you clicked on his letter, and suddenly many things appeared in front of your eyes——

Finally, in January 08, he replied to you: "I will wait for you until you are 1 years old..."

But I'll never be 35,

So I will always wait for you.

Time flies, and in an instant, you don’t even remember his appearance clearly, you just remember that he is still very sunny, silly like a child, often acting like a baby to you, staring at you and not allowed to eat when you lose weight, and then In the end, I saw that you couldn't help but steal tomatoes in the middle of the night, and cooked tomato scrambled egg noodles for you. You were very satisfied with what you ate, and he couldn't help laughing.

[Aqi]

You smiled as if you were remembering something, your hands were already trembling, you didn’t know what to type, you could only make it up and start replaying him, and continued to press the PHS as before to continue——

[The age of 35 has passed, I know you are actually very angry now, why don’t I come to you when I am angry, but I also hope that I can live a happy life like this, you are such a person, in fact, you are still a child, since you left , my letters are always sent, and I never received your text message again. I didn’t believe it at first, and I still thought it was fake, but until the day passed, I looked at the mailbox and there was still no message. I finally couldn’t help crying , I was angry and said why did you leave, our line has actually been broken since I made a secular choice selfishly, but why are you so cruel, so cruel?I thought you might not be able to accept my choice for a while, but you actually took this path, did it make it impossible for us to meet again?After all this time, you know what's the only thing that makes me feel like losing you again?It was the moment I knew that the old mobile phone I was in contact with you was about to be replaced, even the memories in my heart were going to be taken away, how could I be willing to part with it? !I have already lost you, and if there is no mobile phone, what memories do we really have? !Ah Qi, we can’t stand the breakthrough of time and the world, I just want to keep our best memories, so that I can still feel that you are still there, that’s enough, I really... In such a long world, slowly Slowly forgetting your voice, not being able to remember your appearance, how uncomfortable and painful it is? !I'm really special... Miss you, I'm sorry for you, I've always loved you from the bottom of my heart... If you were still alive, wouldn't you be happy to hear this sentence, but... the man has passed away, it's unbearable Looking back, we are separated by life and death after all...]

You poured your emotions into the phone, and many tears have inadvertently flowed down to the bottom of your chin. You put down the phone, and you can’t laugh or cry after all. In fact, your eyes are already red, and you just shook your head while crying with a sigh: "How long should you go?" OK……"

This 35-year-old wait has ended in [-] years, sorry, Qi, don't wait... let's go...

You are thinking so sadly, but looking at the sentence [but I will never be 35 years old, so I will wait for you forever] on the phone, you can't laugh or cry, and finally said hoarsely: "Little hairy boy."

What you don't know is that in the few years after you left, your 35th birthday has actually been waiting for you...in the bottom of my heart.

I replied him with hundreds or thousands of messages, but the messages were always submerged in the water after he left, and there were no more waves.

So, he will never come back...

-----use up