growing up porcelain doll

◎Gong Qing woke up in a daze the next afternoon after lying on the hospital bed.

Gong Qing lay on the hospital bed and woke up in a daze the next afternoon. The moment he opened his eyes, he was a little flustered and drowsy. He didn't know what happened. The elder brother who was lying on the bed, wanted to reach out to stroke his hair, but was pricked by a needle stuck in a blood vessel, and his consciousness was pulled back a little by the slight pain.

He sighed, and silently withdrew his outstretched hand.He watched his elder brother's test silently, his elder brother was not sleeping soundly, his brows were frowning.He really wanted to smooth that wrinkle, but he didn't dare. He couldn't find a good solution to the incident last time, and now he would make his elder brother feel even more uncomfortable if he acted rashly. You have to take care of your elder brother's emotions carefully.

That kiss was regarded as unreasonable teasing after drunkenness, let it pass, a slap can interrupt his fantasy of love, but it can't stop the brotherhood between them.But this kind of brotherhood mixed with distracting thoughts can only be maintained with a more restrained, more polite, and more measured attitude. Otherwise, if I don't pay attention, an act of overstepping the distance will cause even more cracks in the already cracked brotherhood. big damage.

He silently thought about his hospital experience in his life, except for the care of Liu Xiyue and Gong You when he was seven years old, as long as he went to the hospital, his elder brother would come to see him to accompany him after school or on weekends, like a little adult Also busy in the ward.

In fact, he doesn't like the hospital, the ward, and the cold instruments. The experience when he was five years old is his lingering nightmare. The encounter coincided, and the people he loved were all covered by that layer of white cloth, announcing their death and departure to him lifelessly.Just because he hasn't mentioned it to anyone doesn't mean he doesn't have a psychological shadow, and it doesn't mean he will forget it.

He remembered that he was sent to the hospital when he encountered school violence not long after he transferred to another school. It was raining so heavily outside, even though Liu Danqing and the teacher were by his side, he still couldn't help but think of the day when his father was sent to the hospital.Although his chest was not pierced by any sharp branches, the wounds all over his body seemed to be in piercing pain. He couldn't help but think, maybe Dad was in such pain that day, maybe the bed he was lying on was the place where he pushed Dad back then. The one that came out of the operating room, maybe the white sheet under his body will also cover his body at dawn.

He was so terrified, but he couldn't help thinking about it over and over again.

Until the elder brother appeared in this narrow ward, the distress, panic and anger in the elder brother's eyes were obviously the same as those of the auntie, but he felt it was so different. The tears he did not leave in front of Liu Danqing burst the embankment in front of the elder brother , That kind of trust and dependence seems to be irreplaceable.

Those gray memories gradually became distant under the meticulous care of the eldest brother. The cold white in the ward seemed to have turned into a warm color. The sunlight reflected on the white wall through the window made the room extraordinarily bright. This should be ray of hope.

Gong Qing turned her head and stopped looking at her elder brother, he didn't dare to look any more, the more he felt guilty, the more he missed, the more he admired, the more helpless, the more sad he was.He couldn't help asking himself, why did he grow up like this?

Today is a rare sunny day. At this time, the sky outside the window is still reflecting the afterglow of the setting sun. The colorful clouds are as beautiful as an oil painting, but the people in the room are sighing at it.

Cheng Yu might have had a nightmare, lying on the edge of the bed, he twitched violently, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Gong Qing looking out the window with his head tilted.He straightened up, rubbed his face, and asked, "When did you wake up? Why didn't you call me?"

Gong Qing looked at him slowly, smiled slightly, and replied: "I just woke up, and I didn't call you when I looked tired." He paused for a while and said in a low voice: "Brother, I'm sorry, I made you worry. "

Cheng Yu frowned and looked at him. Gong Qing's complexion was better than yesterday's, but she was still feverish and looked weak. The anger and accountability in his heart had long since vanished the moment Gong Qing fell, so he calmed down. Asked: "Knowing that I will worry, why do you have to torment yourself?"

Gong Qing felt an unspeakable grievance in his heart. People who are broken up in love can find ways to resolve it when they are in a bad mood, but he has not even fallen in love. The kindling that has been buried in his heart for more than three years has just been lit with a spark He was extinguished by a downpour of rain, and when the fire was extinguished, he couldn't even see a wisp of smoke. What should he do with his pain?

He was like a child with aphasia, unable to say anything except a dry "I'm sorry".

Seeing Gong Qing like this, Cheng Yu felt that he should be angry, but the strange thing was that there was no anger or blame in his heart.He pulled over the chair, and got closer to Gong Qing. He reached out and touched his forehead, and said, "Don't do such stupid things in the future, okay? Your body is your own, you have to cherish it, and you don't want to hurt it." Always think about your parents, think about me..." He wanted to say "You think about me", but when he thought that most of the reasons why Gong Qing lives here now are because of herself, he couldn't say that , the words turned into "Think about my parents, think about us."

Gong Qing's tears silently flowed down the corners of his eyes and left traces on the pillow. He nodded lightly and said, "Got it."

Cheng Yu withdrew his hand and leaned on the chair, but felt extremely sad. He couldn't tell whether this sadness was because of seeing Gong Qing's illness or because he felt Gong Qing's loneliness. In short, such emotions made him very uncomfortable.

The room was quiet for a while, and Cheng Yu got up to buy him something to eat downstairs, so he asked, "You haven't eaten for a long time, are you hungry, I'll buy you something if you want to eat."

Actually, Gong Qing didn't feel very hungry, he felt so uncomfortable that he didn't have much appetite, but seeing his elder brother's worried and tired face, he still said, "Just have some porridge."

Cheng Yu nodded in agreement and went downstairs.

Gong Qing still felt dizzy, but during this dizziness, he figured out a problem. No matter what he did to his eldest brother, no matter what he did, his eldest brother would never leave him. When he needed help and needed care When he needs company, the elder brother is always obliged, and he will not care so much about him. He knows that the elder brother loves him and will not abandon him, but that is only the elder brother's responsibility and love for the younger brother, and it is the tolerance and concern for family affection.I can clearly judge my feelings, I can try my best to control my words and deeds, I can force myself not to twist my brother's love into the love I desire in my heart, but my elder brother will not stay away from him because of my change, He will continue to give him care and care, and he will still pay for him regardless of gains and losses, but the biggest problem is himself, he will not be able to help but sink in the care of his elder brother.

Cheng Yu returned to the ward with the packed meal. He bought porridge and steamed stuffed buns to accompany Gong Qing to finish a simple meal. When he finished packing and sat down next to Gong Qing, he heard Gong Qing Qing said: "Brother, you have worked hard all day, you can go back."

Cheng Yu shook his head and said, "It's okay, I can stay at school with peace of mind while you're lying here, you should take a good rest and take care of yourself, the exam will be in a few days."

Gong Qing couldn't say what she wanted to say to her elder brother cruelly before, so she just hummed and closed her eyes.

The young man's body is still recovering quickly. Gong Qing only stayed in the hospital for three days, just like a different person, and he is full of vigor again.After returning to school, I hurriedly reviewed my homework, but also paid great attention to diet and work and rest. After a week, I completely ended the first semester of my sophomore year.

Cheng Yu worked on a few projects with his mentor, and he had to stay in Beijing for half a month during the holidays, and he might not be able to go home until the Chinese New Year was approaching.He originally wanted Gong Qing to wait for him to go back together, but before he could say anything, Gong Qing said that he would buy the ticket and go first, so it was difficult for him to say anything else.

Gong Qing took advantage of the time when her eldest brother was not at home to let herself go for a short time, and went out shopping and painting with Cheng Yue every day, and went out with her aunt and others to buy new year's goods. A messy past.He turns his mobile phone to silent every day, as if he can make himself less concerned about his eldest brother's information.

After the holidays, the huge campus looks extremely empty. After finishing the work at hand, Cheng Yu can't help but look at his phone for a while to see if there is any news from Gong Qing, but unfortunately, since the last time Gong Qing After he was discharged from the hospital, he never took the initiative to contact him, and now he doesn't even respond to the messages he sent in time. Even if he calls, the answers he gets are often "why didn't I hear you when I was outside?" What are you doing with Cheng Yue, you don't have your phone with you."Walking on this deserted path, Cheng Yu suddenly felt very lonely, as if he had lost some treasure, he felt uncomfortable.

This kind of life finally lasted until the Chinese New Year. I thought that the brothers who had been separated for a few days would be very affectionate when they met again, but when Cheng Yu returned home, he found that there were two neatly placed beds on the bed where only one quilt had been placed for many years. , leaving a clear boundary on the big bed.He knew what Gong Qing was thinking, and he also understood that he did this to resolve the embarrassment that could not be expressed, but he still couldn't help but feel sad. Maybe this way of doing things was right or wrong, it should be said that this was the most correct way. This is to draw a clear line between the two. They are brothers, so it is impossible to separate, but they can only be considered normal brothers if they ensure that all words and deeds do not cross the line.He didn't clarify this line before because he was still kept in the dark. Now that the window paper is pierced, the necessary measures will be clarified, at least that's what Gong Qing thinks.

Just the change of a bed, Cheng Yu already felt pain in his heart. In the days to come, Gong Qing rarely spoke to him, and did not stay in the same space with him, which would make him feel that Gong Qing was flirting with him on purpose. Keeping a distance, which made him extremely panicked.

Finally, the year is over, the festival is over, and Cheng Yu's patience is almost worn out.On the night of the sixteenth day of the first lunar month, just as Gong Qing turned off the lights and was lying on the bed, she heard the people around her say, "Let's have a chat."

Gong Qing was taken aback for a moment, her heartbeat quickened a little unconsciously, and she replied, "What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?" Cheng Yu's mood sank to the bottom when he heard this sentence. He was a problem that never happened between them before. Think about what to talk about.

Cheng Yu let out a long breath before saying, "Is it time to avoid me now?"

Gong Qing was silent for a while, then lowered her eyes and said, "Then what can I do? You are my brother."

You are my brother, this is obviously a heavy stone on Gong Qing's body, but now it has become an iron weight that Cheng Yu can't lift up in his heart, and he can't breathe under the weight.Before he could say anything, Gong Qing's voice sounded in the darkness.

"You are my brother, so caring about me, loving me and taking care of me is the tenderness in your bones. No matter what I do that shouldn't be done, you still love me." He paused for a moment, and then said: "But I am like A wolf that can’t get enough to eat, extremely greedy. After getting your care, I still want your love. After getting your love, I still want your heart, and then I want your person. The better you treat me, the better I am I can't help but think dirty, despicable and shameless, but you are my brother after all, I have no choice."

This passage reveals unspeakable loneliness and loneliness inside and out. This is the first time that Gong Qing has analyzed her heart so clearly in front of others. Spilled from his chest, intertwined and woven into a solid sadness in the air.

The room was very oppressive, Cheng Yu got up and opened the window to let in the wind for a while, but the depression in his heart didn't ease at all.

After a while, he said, "As you said, it's my instinct to care about you and take care of you. How could I leave you alone?"

Gong Qing smiled wryly, and said: "In my short life, you gave me the greatest kindness, took me in, tolerated me, took care of me, did everything I could to support me, and gave me the best life. You gave me So much love, but I still let myself grow crooked, I'm sorry." This sentence was like a sharp nail, and he stabbed himself fiercely on the pillar of shame, and then continued: "So, brother, in the future, put Give all your care and love to...Xiaoyue, just give me a little, just treat it as saving my life, at least don't make my mistakes even more outrageous, okay?" He really wanted to blurt out and give the love to Others, but the words came to his mouth but he couldn't say them after all. He chose to draw a line ruthlessly, but he still had selfishness towards his elder brother, and he still couldn't bear to let his elder brother share his love with others.

These words were like a knife, cutting Gong Qing beyond recognition, and making Cheng Yu's heart bleed. Cheng Yu couldn't help trembling in the dark. Gong Qing's voice sounded unreal in his ears. How could they leave? to this point?

Cheng Yu went back to the bed and lay down again. The light was so dim, but he still saw Gong Qing crying, with tears pouring out of his closed eyes, and his eyelashes trembling with all his patience.He turned sideways and held Gong Qing in his arms together with the quilt, reached out to wipe away the tears from the corners of his eyes, and said softly, "Why are you so stupid?"

Gong Qing didn't answer, and the room gradually became quiet. The quiet atmosphere seemed to be commemorating or saying goodbye.