You can eat it but you are not allowed to miss it

It has grown into my ideal little A.

To be continued.

24. Coming out for the fourth time ([-])

◎I came home from get out of class one day, and as soon as I entered the house, I found that something was wrong with my mother.She gestured for me not to speak, then bowed her waist at the door and looked at the door of my house through the cat's eyes.I... ◎

When I was in middle school, I came home from get out of class one day, and as soon as I walked in, I found that something was wrong with my mother.She gestured for me not to speak, then bowed her waist at the door and looked out of the door of my house through the peephole.I especially hate her babbling appearance, like a small townsman eavesdropping on the neighbor's wall.

"Don't be like this, what's the fun?" I said impatiently.

"Hush!" She still kept her voice low, "I forgot to bring my shoes when I entered the house today. When I remembered, I found someone stuffed a note in my high heels."

"Stuffing notes?" I muttered suspiciously, who has this habit?

"I guess it's probably Uncle Wang on the opposite side. He usually looks like a little man, but he wants to step on us orphans and widows!"

Uncle Wang is our neighbor across the door, and his father-in-law is an old colleague of my grandparents' work unit. We have been neighbors for ten years.His wife is a very enthusiastic woman, and she would chat with my mother when they met.But Uncle Wang is a submissive man.Every time I meet him in the stairwell, I will take the initiative to say hello. He doesn't have to look at me, his eyes wander, and he makes a grunt that I don't know if it is an answer.Such a man always gives people an unreliable feeling, who knows if he is thinking about something in his heart?

I asked: "What is written on the note?"

"..." My mother was silent for a moment, and then said: "Probably during the divorce, that person said bad things about me everywhere, so now I'm a divorced woman with a child, and she comes to bully us."

At that time, the discrimination against women in divorce was much more severe than it is today.Especially if it is a woman who is "sued" for divorce, people don't care whether the man is cheating or neglecting the family. Anyway, the divorced woman must have problems.Perhaps out of protection for me, my mother deliberately avoided answering positively, but even if she thought about it with her toes, she knew that the note was definitely not a good one.After so many years, I have always wondered what was written on the note?Is it sexual harassment?Or a threat?At that time, I was too weak to stand up for my mother and teach those who bullied us.

Girls are not necessarily weak.For the first time in my life, I met T, the kind of girl who was dressed in a particularly masculine way.She is a classmate in the class next door, and she looks like a handsome young man at first glance. Her various behaviors, the way she walks, and the way she speaks are not very girly.At that time, there were often rumors in the school that this T was dating a certain girl in the school.Every time I see her, I can't help but sneak a few more glances at her, full of curiosity about her.I knew in my heart that my curiosity about her was not the kind of girl's affection for handsome T, but an inexplicable kindness, even a little "sympathy for the same disease".Perhaps in my subconscious I have long discovered that I might be the same type of person as her.It's just that my appearance is not masculine. Even if I try to cut my hair, I am still a cute type, and I don't have a strong urge to imitate her behavior and dress.

Another incident happened in my high school.That day, my mother was downstairs chatting with the neighbors in the neighborhood, and met a woman dressed as a man in the neighbor's house, who was 40 years old and still unmarried.My mother used a dialect word "feminine appearance and male" to describe the woman, which translates to female pretending to be male. She also said that this woman used male hormones to grow a beard, which is very abnormal.At that time, I also had my own set of standards for judging right from wrong, and it was very unpleasant to hear this.Although, I don't know what transgender is, I only know that the person she mentioned seems to be a little bit like me, and there is even a little desire to be that woman hidden in my heart.My mother said that she is abnormal and has a sick mind. Does that also mean that I am also abnormal and sick?

It's a pity that I lived in a traditional society with extremely closed news back then.People may not understand the issue of sexual orientation in their whole life, and these things have been kept in my heart for many years.In fact, for the first 20 years of my life, I was slowly domesticated in secret competition.

"How can a girl spread her thighs while sitting?"

"Girls are not allowed to call themselves 'Lao Tzu' or 'Brother', nor are they allowed to call themselves 'Fuck' or 'Damn'!"

"Can you look a little bit like a woman, learn how to apply makeup and skin care, which man like you would like you?"

"Girls shouldn't be too strong. Men like girls who are coquettish and weak. You have scared others away like this!"

Voices like these are teaching me how to be a submissive and obedient woman who meets the needs of society.How to be a lady that men like, a good wife and mother, a good daughter and daughter-in-law who is filial to her parents and serves her in-laws.But no one cares who I want to be?

Even a woman like my mother, who has been delayed by a failed marriage all her life, still holds the belief that a woman's life is secondary to her studies and career, and the most important thing is to marry. get happiness.Every time, she takes the female elders around her as examples.For example, the Jinlan sisters she grew up with.

"Your Auntie Zhen was still a rural household registration back then, her academic performance was not as good as mine, and her looks were average, but she didn't dislike the pursuit of a man who was inferior to her, because that man was willing to endure hardships, was smart and had potential. Now her husband opened a business in Beijing. A big company with an annual income of more than [-] million yuan! My son also immigrated to Beijing after the college entrance examination, and it is not easy to compete for a prestigious school in Beijing with the top grades in our province!" My mother always talks about her Jinlan sister Le Road.

"You can only be happy if you marry a good man. Don't find someone like your father who is worthless and irresponsible!" She emphasized every time.

Since she has found my dad who is so worthless and irresponsible, how can she be sure that those good men with a future will definitely have a crush on me?I find it funny.While she said that there is not a single good man in this world, even if there are, there are only a few, she has never met so far, but at the same time she is so sure that the child she raises will definitely meet a good man?

At the age of 22, I successfully applied for a foreign research institute and received a partial scholarship.Before I went abroad, I was very excited. I was finally able to break free from the oppression of my original family and take a look at the wonderful world outside without restraint.I made up my mind to study hard and stay abroad to work. In the future, I can also take my mother out of our small county to see different scenery.A few days before my departure, the whole family went to my grandmother's house for a farewell dinner.At first the atmosphere was pretty good, but the elders only asked about my arrangements for coming to the United States, about dormitories, majors, schools and other issues.Later, we talked about the topic of marriage and love.

"Girls should do things at any age. If you go abroad, you can't stop coming back. You still have to come back and find someone to marry." My little aunt interrupted suddenly.

"I'm still young, and I haven't considered finding someone to marry. After finishing my master's degree, I still want to apply for a PhD." Of course I don't agree with her old concept, and my grades are good. I think my value is not in my husband godson.

Who knows, my aunt taught me in a stern tone: "Your mother is almost fifty, and I don't expect you to fly so high and far. When she gets old, only you can rely on her. If you are filial, it's time to find her." Talk to a man with good conditions, get married and have children in two years, instead of studying for a doctorate!"

My mother never said such a thing, she is just my aunt, why accuse me of being unfilial?This rhetoric is simply moral kidnapping.But since the other party is still my elder, apart from being unconvinced, I can't say anything serious.

"I think it's very good for my daughter. I hope she can have a higher platform and see a bigger world! I'm still young and I don't need her to take care of me." Unexpectedly, it was my mother who refuted my aunt. Brace yourself.

Soon after enrolling, I met Zheng Yanning when I was working as a teaching assistant.Senior Zheng is a doctoral student in my department.At the beginning of the semester, the secretary of the department sent me an email to inform me of the teaching assistant arrangement for this semester. In that class, only me and Senior Zheng were the teaching assistants.Out of curiosity, I logged on to LinkedIn and looked at his profile. All graduates from prestigious schools, with excellent grades, and many independently published papers.In the photo, the man's facial features are sharp and angular, and he is a bit bookish. Although he is a bit serious, he even gives people the feeling of being aloof and difficult to get along with.Therefore, I was mentally prepared before I actually met him, and I must not provoke this senior.

The first time I met Zheng Yanning was to help students answer questions.Because it was the first time to assign a big homework at the beginning of the semester, many students came.A student asked a question that was a bit difficult for me, so I had to deduce it on the scratch paper on the spot.I was scratching my head and said embarrassedly: "Let me think about this question again."

"Let me take a look for you." Senior Zheng finished answering other students' questions and offered to help me.He was indeed a top student, and he scribbled a few strokes on the blackboard, and the difficult problem was easily solved.

I looked up at this powerful "God of Learning" with incomparable admiration.

"Senior, you are amazing!" I admired from the bottom of my heart, "If I have any academic problems in the future, can I ask you for advice?"

"Of course," he said.

"I seem to have seen you at school before, and I thought you were a professor at the school." I said with a smile.I have actually met him.While eating lunch in the pantry, he and several departments