recession

The bedroom was clearly very dark, but every subtle expression of Xu Yunqing at this moment was clearly reflected in Tao Liyang's eyes.

Xu Yunqing smiled again, it seemed that what he just shared was not a secret but a sweet candy, except that there was no joy in the eyebrows.The whole person seemed to be cut from the middle, and then covered by a white paper mask.

Tao Liyang was slightly absent-minded, but when Xu Yunqing's cold arm was about to slip off him, he tightly wrapped his arms around Xu Yunqing's waist, not letting him leave him.

"It's okay." Tao Liyang turned his head away, and put his lips against his neck, "It's all over, I'm here with you."

Xu Yunqing was a little dazed, without struggling, and asked him for a long time: "Are you afraid?"

"I'm not afraid." Tao Liyang stroked his back soothingly with his hand, "I'm just afraid that you will be afraid."

This was like a tongue twister, Xu Yunqing pulled the corner of his lower lip: "Do you still want to hear it?"

"If you want to speak out, then I will listen."

Xu Yunqing shook his head: "I don't want to say it, I don't want to say it at all...but I want to tell you." He moved slightly, resting his chin on Tao Liyang's shoulder, and continued speaking slowly.

"After my mother sent my dad to a mental hospital, she resigned herself. But she still sent me to school as usual, picked me up from get out of class every day, and then went to see him in a mental hospital."

"Take you with me every day?" Tao Liyang's scalp felt numb for a moment, and he repeated it unconsciously.

Xu Yunqing pursed his lips, and responded indifferently: "Every time I see Dad, he will have more scars, bruises, and vomiting from time to time... I didn't understand at the time what their so-called treatment was, Later, I learned all about it... electric shock, acupuncture in the meridians... Tao Liyang, you would never imagine that there are so many ways to torture people..."

His tone was very strange, and his body trembled involuntarily. Tao Liyang felt the cold sweat on his hands, and wanted to persuade him to stop talking, but he also understood that Xu Yunqing might have to finish talking today.

Xu Yunqing gritted his teeth, took a deep breath, and continued after a long delay: "He was very mentally ill at the time, and often he didn't recognize me at all. When he was a little more sober, he would beg my mother not to take me again, but it was useless... Looking back now, my mother's own mental state is actually not normal. Every time she comes home from the hospital, she always cries, scolds, and smashes things... day after day, week after week."

"One day when I came back from the hospital, I probably said something that made my mother upset. She threw my schoolbag out of the window. I went downstairs to search for a long time, but I couldn't find an exercise book. I kept crying , I thought badly, the teacher will definitely scold me if I fail to hand in my homework the next day..."

Xu Yunqing laughed at himself: "Do you think I have no conscience? My family is like that, but I still care about this. Because I cried too much, my mother was angry and didn't let me in the house... I was scared, nothing else I can go anywhere, so I want to go to the hospital to find my father. I was really stupid at that time, knowing that he didn't even have the ability to protect myself, but I expected him to protect me..."

Xu Yunqing's tone was flat, as if he was telling someone else's story, Tao Liyang felt great grief, but all the comfort was pale and powerless, unable to break through the barrier of time, all he could do was hug him tightly at the moment when he was late.

"When I walked to the hospital, it was already dark. I waited in the stairwell until the nurses had left before I dared to sneak in. Dad was sleeping, or he might have passed out, I can't tell. He called a few times, he I didn’t answer me, so I couldn’t go home, and I was afraid that the nurses would see me and drive me away, so I hid in the cabinet in the ward. The cabinet was made of wood, it was huge, it stood next to the window, and an adult could shrink in.”

As Xu Yunqing said, he raised his hand and gestured: "I wanted to wait for Dad to wake up, but he never did. I fell asleep in the cabinet... I don't know how long it took, but I heard noises outside and was woken up."

"I don't know if the nurse is here, or if Dad woke up and looked out through the gap in the cabinet door..."

Xu Yunqing pursed his lips, subconsciously touched Tao Liyang's hand and held it firmly.Every second of that night, every detail, over the years, he has never forgotten for a moment.

He saw Xu Qiming holding a rope, and he recognized that it was the drawstring of the curtain.When Xu Qiming took it down, he was standing next to Xu Yunqing, only separated by a thin layer of wood, but he didn't notice his child.

Xu Qiming locked the door behind him, walked under the ceiling fan in the ward, stepped on a chair, and threw the rope over it.He tossed it several times without success, but he didn't show any impatience, his face was blank, without any expression, he didn't look like a living person anymore.

During the whole process, Xu Qiming never looked back, let alone noticed the shivering little Xu Yunqing shivering in a corner of the cabinet.

I couldn't count how long that action was repeated, and after finally throwing it over, Xu Qiming calmly tied the rope with a knot.Leaning forward slightly, he passed his bruised and scarred neck through the rope, kicked over the chair without the slightest nostalgia or hesitation...

Fine dust was startled on the floor, and Xu Qiming's body, which had been thinned out in just half a month, was struggling in the air...

In Xu Yunqing's memory, these pictures are all in black and white, like a silent movie played at eight times speed, and Xu Qiming did not make a sound, the pain and struggle are all silent, but Xu Yunqing heard it again in a daze...

But whose voice did he hear, Xu Qiming who was walking towards death step by step, or himself who died at the same moment?

He only remembered that Xu Qiming had struggled for a long time, and it was impossible for him to last that long in his life.But it turns out that life will end, short and easy.Without warning, Xu Qiming's arms hang down feebly, drawing a hasty end to the mime.

That was not Xu Qiming's first suicide attempt, he had tried many times, even the day before, he bit his own artery with his teeth, but he was rescued by doctors and nurses.Only this time it worked, in front of his seven-year-old child.

"I hid in the cabinet and didn't go out. After he died, I stayed there all the time, just looking at him. Later...then the rope couldn't hold it and broke, and my father fell down."

There was a little ignorance and confusion in Xu Yunqing's eyes, as if he had turned back into that seven-year-old child again.He rushed over to catch his father, but when he fell out of the cabinet, he fell first.

He couldn't catch him, never could catch him.All I could do was watch helplessly as he hit the ground with a muffled sound.So that for a long time afterwards, Xu Yunqing was afraid of the sound of all objects falling.

Xu Qiming's forehead hit the bedside table, bleeding profusely, and blood also flowed from the unhealed wound on his wrist.Xu Yunqing stumbled up from the ground and hugged his already cold body, but the blood was still warm, flowing and flowing, flowing onto him, soaking his clothes red...

"I watched him die. Tao Liyang, I just watched him die." Xu Yunqing raised his face and looked at him, his teeth chattering non-stop, "I found out later that they gave him sleeping pills that night. I thought He won't wake up, so he let down his vigilance, no one came to round the room... But where am I, I can obviously stop him. When he hangs the rope, when he kicks the chair over, even he struggles At the time... I had so many chances to call for someone to save him, but I didn't. I just watched him die in front of me without saying a word!"

Xu Yunqing was trembling all over, Tao Liyang could hardly hold him back, so he had to comfort him in a panic: "Yunqing, Yunqing, calm down. Your father's situation at that time, he didn't have the will to live at all, he really wanted to die People, if you stop this time, there will be another time. You were only seven years old at that time, so don't take everything on yourself."

"You're partial to me, that's why you say that." Xu Yunqing leaned against his arms, gasping for breath like a fish out of water, "I'll lie to myself too, I don't want him to suffer anymore, I I don't want him to be tortured anymore... But what if, what if it's not? Could it be, in fact, that I wish him to die from the bottom of my heart?"

Xu Yunqing's grip on his hand became stronger and stronger, and Tao Liyang's finger bones were almost crushed by him.His voice became hoarse for some reason.

"The matter between my father and Su Liang caused a big commotion. It was a small place, and it spread everywhere. My mother asked me to go to school every day, but I didn't want to go to school at all. The teachers would discuss it in front of me. The parents of my classmates will also tell them not to play with me. In the family home, uncles and aunts will point and point at me... People who were very good to me before have changed their faces overnight. I don’t understand. Something happened, but I knew it was because of my dad... maybe that's the way it was, I thought if he died it would be all right and everything would be back to normal, so I really let him die."

A trace of coolness crept up from Tao Liyang's back, and just as he was about to speak, Xu Yunqing leaned on him, covered his mouth, shook his head with a pale face, and his voice floated in the air: "Don't say anything, just listen!" I said, listen to me first... my father died, my mother changed my name, and took me to N City. No one knows me, no one knows what happened. Everything is in the past, just I don't have a father anymore..."

Xu Yunqing's thin body was half pressed against him, but he could hardly feel the weight.However, Tao Liyang felt that he could not breathe for a while.He didn't know whether it was Xu Yunqing's fine-boned hand that was covering him, or Xu Yunqing's exhaustion that almost drowned everything.

"After that night, I couldn't make a sound for more than a year. The doctor said that I was overly frightened, but I knew that my father must be punishing me. For so many years, I often dreamed of him, and every time it was in that room. In the same scene in the ward, he never opened his eyes to look at me..."

Xu Yunqing's eyes were a little out of focus, and his Adam's apple moved with great difficulty: "Later, when I grew up, I understood what happened back then. I would also tell myself that he did something wrong, so even if it was really I hoped he would Go to hell, maybe I'm right too...

"But Tao Liyang, children can't judge their parents." He trembled in his arms, speaking incoherently, "My mother can blame him, but my father has always been good to me, how can I? I shouldn't blame anyone, As children, their lives are given by their parents. How can we blame our parents? I have been wondering if my dad knew I was there. He actually saw me. Before he died, did he regret it a bit? I hope I can save him...but I'm not filial, I don't..."

When Xu Yunqing spoke, tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't realize it: "I miss him very much, but I don't dare to think about it. As soon as I hear the word homosexuality, I feel fear and suspicion, and everyone looks like an insider... But Do you know the day I dread the most? The day I met you."

Xu Yunqing let go of his hands and held Tao Liyang's face, looking very sad: "I said that I hated you the first time I saw you, it's true...I hate you, and I'm afraid of you. Once I see you, I will do it A nightmare, dreaming of those comments, pointing, sympathetic or disgusting eyes, and the appearance of my father lying in my arms... I will never become that kind of person... But I just met you again."

He closed his eyes in embarrassment: "I don't want anyone to find out that I like men like my dad. I just used Li Shuang to fake a heterosexual identity for myself. The hypocrisy is ridiculous... But what's the use of it? A fake is a fake and I can't help myself."

They were so close, Xu Yunqing's tears slipped to Tao Liyang's lips, cold and bitter, but his tone was gentle: "I also thought about it, it would be nice if you liked someone else. But in fact, I'm jealous of being by your side Everyone who shows up that isn't me. I know the bars you go to, hear and see the people you sleep with... I see them, I'm mad with jealousy, I hate you even more...but it's not you at all No mistake, as long as I open my mouth and take a step forward, no one can touch half of your clothes... You are right, I don't want you, and I don't allow others to get you...Tao Liyang, I have nothing to do Facing myself like this, hypocritical, cowardly, and unfilial...how dare I tell you?!"

Xu Yunqing burst into tears, buried his head on Tao Liyang's chest, shrugged his shoulders, tears quickly wet his clothes, penetrated his skin and soaked into his heart.He has known Xu Yunqing for 12 years, and he has never seen him lose his composure like this.A heart was wrapped in Xu Yunqing's tears, sore and painful, I just hugged Xu Yunqing's back and let him cry in my arms.

Xu Yunqing was crying out of strength, and the cry gradually subsided, but he never raised his head.Tao Liyang had no choice but to let go of him temporarily, and slid down a little, trying to see his face clearly, but Xu Yunqing turned his head again and buried it in the pillow.

"Yunqing, Yunqing." Tao Liyang called his name repeatedly, turned his face stubbornly, and let him face himself, "There are some things that I don't know what to say, and I can't say anything to you...but It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what kind of you you are." He gently stroked the sweat-soaked bangs on his forehead: "You know very well, as long as it's you, I accept all of you."

Xu Yunqing raised his eyes to look at him dully, and with just this movement, tears rolled down from his eyes again.Tao Liyang kissed away his tears bit by bit, ate them all, stopped at a distance of a few centimeters from Xu Yunqing's lips, and asked him softly: "Do you want me now?"

Moonlight came in through the curtains and fell on Xu Yunqing's tear-washed eyebrows.Xu Yunqing looked at him silently, and refused to blink. After a long time, he finally stretched out his hand towards Tao Liyang unconsciously, but stopped when he was about to touch him.

Tao Liyang didn't give him a chance to hesitate, grabbed his hand, forcefully separated Xu Yunqing's fingers, passed through his fingers little by little and interlocked with his fingers: "If you want me or not, I won't leave you. "

Xu Yunqing lowered his eyes and looked at their clasped hands.Tao Liyang didn't speak anymore, and the two of them stalemate silently.

When the moon shadow moved from Xu Yunqing's eyebrows to Tao Liyang's cheeks, he spoke. Although there was still no smile on his face, there was a faint light in his eyes.

"Ask me, will it really make you find it... No." ①Xu Yunqing spoke every word very slowly, like a sigh blown away by the wind.He slowly came over and kissed Tao Liyang's lips, "I'm not going anywhere."

The author says:

①: This sentence was asked in the last chapter.Next to the last volume.