Eat little by little

The night outside the window is like viscous ink emerging from the slits of the building, like a black tidal sea gradually engulfing the land.

Lin Jian didn't know how many times he woke up. After the college entrance examination, he hadn't suffered from insomnia for a long time.He looked out the window and fell into the vast darkness. His heartbeat suddenly became faster. He got up and went out, walked to the door of Lin Xu's room, stretched out his hand to hold the doorknob, and twisted for a moment. After hesitating, he took two deep breaths and closed his eyes.

It is impossible to say that I was not frightened.He always thought of Lin Xu's sudden words, "Brother, that's a boy." At that moment, his brain went blank, and he subconsciously wanted to push the person in his arms away, but stopped abruptly at that moment up.

There is no doubt that Lin Xu is the best-behaved child in the family.As the eldest brother, when he was playing wildly with his little friends outside every day, Lin Xu would help his mother wash the vegetables and clean up the table at home; when he was playing games in front of the computer every day, Lin Xu would help him Folding the quilt, tidying up the closet... This younger brother has such a good temper that he looks like a child who never grows up.For a long time, he didn't like this younger brother, and he didn't even want to take the initiative to chat with him.

If Lin Xu is a precocious child, then he is a typical example of late maturity. The third year of high school quickly catalyzed him. For the first time, he was able to sit on a stool for a whole day, just for one goal.The aging of his parents and the youngness of his younger brothers, as the eldest son of the family, he felt the responsibility of a man on his shoulders for the first time.

That kind of growth happened in an instant. It was the moment when my mother cooked the chicken soup on weekends and waited early at the school gate. It was the moment when my father, who had always been strong and sick, was sick and coughed but refused to go to the hospital with a dark face. The moment when he coldly responded to the topic with embarrassment, the moment when his father hit him in a fit of anger but he no longer felt the pain...it was the moment when his younger brother asked him if studying was really useful...

His mother was nagging more and more, and his father was becoming more and more stubborn. When he grew up day by day, he suddenly found that his parents had become childish.For the first time, he realized that parents are not powerful, they are thin and ordinary, and they also want to be cared and warmed by their children.

Younger brother Lin Yuan is mischievous and ignorant, but Lin Xu is too sensible.Or maybe Lin Xu's behavior is the most worrying.

Lin Jian took a deep breath, his brows were furrowed, and he was a little at a loss.

He remembered that in his high school life, he had heard gossip about who might be gay and who was a couple in his grade. He also asked gossip and laughed it off, and he had seen similar questions about "if your relatives are gay" , he didn't even think about this possibility, just like when Lin Xu said softly, "That's a boy", the first thing he responded was not the question of whether to accept it, but the three big words "impossible".

how can that be possible?

He's always been so good, he never does anything out of line, he always goes with the flow, he never even expresses his position...why?

He felt that something must have been wrong, and he wanted to ask Lin Xu, "Did you misunderstand? In fact, this is not like", "Why do you have such thoughts?", "Did you encounter any difficulties?"... ...Is it because everyone in their family didn't care about Lin Xu so much that this result came so suddenly, without even a hint of it.Or has it already existed, and they haven't found it yet?

No, it is not.

The more Lin Jian thought about it, the colder he felt, he still refused to believe it was true.

He can say that he does not discriminate against homosexuals, and he can also say that he supports those who pursue true love, even if that person is his good friend, but why is that his brother?

How can it be?

His hands began to tremble, and a wordless panic spread from the bottom of his heart. As long as he thought that he was his younger brother and his relatives, he wanted to clenched his fist and hit him somewhere.He couldn't believe that his brother was born gay, and he knew what a good boy his brother was... The thought of what another boy might have done to his brother made him want to hit someone.

How far do you have to go before your brother thinks he's gay?

holding hands?kiss? ...

Lin Jian didn't even dare to think about the next possibility, he just felt that the black shadows in front of him were overlapping, as if they were hitting his eye mask.

Do you want to tell mom and dad?What will they think?

What will Lin Xu do in the future?

Lin Jian didn't know how many things he thought about this night, like the paint in the color plate was stirred, the colors were mixed and thick, and finally turned into dirty dark black.

He told himself over and over again: Maybe you just think too much.

In the chaos, he remembered the conversation he had with Lin Xu not long after the start of school, the vague words, the sporadic tears in the other party's eyes, and the sentence, "If I don't listen to them, they will be very sad Is it?" At that moment, it overlapped with Lin Xu crying just now.

Lin Jian already thought he was half an adult before, but now he realizes that he is still far behind.

His first thought was that he had to tell his parents.

But Lin Xu's eyes full of pain were repeatedly played back in his mind. He was like a young chick who couldn't find his way home.

What would happen to his younger brother if his parents found out?

Lin Jian's head was throbbing, and he kept hinting to himself: Everything is not that serious.

Lin Xu has nothing to do with that man. After a few years, this matter will be nothing.

He suddenly felt that he was also very ridiculous. He thought of his first love girl, and at this moment, like his parents at that time, he hoped that Lin Xu would soon forget about this relationship.

No, it is not.He thought, if it was a girl, he would support it, he would support it...

Lin Jian suddenly laughed softly, but the laughter revealed a bit of sadness.

In fact, he is also the same kind of person. He can't believe that his younger brother will handle this matter well. He wants to tell him that this road is not easy to walk on his own, and tell him how to do it better.

Just like his parents, they tried their best to make life easier for their children in the future.

But Lin Xu, how could he?

Until the end, Lin Jian returned to the original question like a circle, thinking over and over again: Lin Xu, he made a mistake... His elder brother doesn't know what he likes, so how could he know?

Lin Xu woke up very early and hardly slept for long. Tossing and turning, he always thought of the sound of breathing on the other end of the phone over and over again. It was so slight that he thought there was no one at all.How could there be no one?As long as he makes a sound, the sound of breathing over there will be obvious, like air currents blowing the ends of feathers, the sound of breathing is very tight, like sparse gravel deposited in the chest, the more it is pressed, the more it is breathed. also becomes difficult.

Obviously there was no word on the other side, but Lin Xu's eyes gradually turned red, and the sour feeling came out of his limbs with difficulty, gathered bit by bit, and exhausted all the strength in his whole body.

For no reason, he blurted out.

Ah Rui?

The sound of breathing over there suddenly tightened, and Lin Xu felt that his heartstrings were also tightly grasped.

No matter how much I called the other person's name, that bastard refused to make a sound, only the sound of breathing more quickly and depressed each time.

The sound of breathing was like a whip hitting Lin Xu's chest one after another. He seemed to be able to hear the faint voice calling his name amidst the hoarse breathing of the other party.

Lin Xu felt that he couldn't breathe anymore. The discomfort at this moment seemed to be overwhelmed to the extreme, and the pain and sadness broke out in an instant.

Why?Why is this happening?

Why does he even look at that guy from a distance now as if he is a thief?

Why did the other party dare not even answer him on the phone?

Why!What did they do wrong!Did they steal or rob?Have they sinned?

Beep...beep...the phone was hung up.

Lin Xu fell into the ice cellar in an instant, and the last straw was easily broken. In an instant, he was swept by the tide and dragged to the depths of the sea.

They are not wrong.

But can not be together.

The constant replay failure reminded him: you can't do anything.

Just like at the beginning, as long as the other party turns off the phone, he will never find that guy again.

The moment Lin Xu opened the door and saw his elder brother, he was stunned.

My eldest brother has heavy eye circles, and he obviously didn't sleep well.

"Lin Xu, let's talk." The eldest brother said.

Lin Xu subconsciously wanted to take a step back and close the door, but was suppressed by his elder brother.

Lin Xu glanced at his eldest brother, his eyes were sore and sore, like a homeless child, he shook his head, "Brother, don't... just pretend you didn't hear anything last night, okay?"

He really lost his mind last night, so he told his elder brother this secret that should have turned into dust at the moment of the most collapse.

Lin Jian looked at the helplessness and pleading in his younger brother's eyes, and tightened his grip on the other's hand.

Lin Xu wanted to step back, but the strength restraining his shoulders was too great, so he lowered his head and refused to speak.

After a long time, Lin Jian said in a hoarse voice, "Lin Xu, you said yesterday that you are all over. I won't tell my parents, but you won't make them worry anymore, will you?"

In the end, he could only move out of his parents.

Lin Xu's body trembled violently, like a fledgling bird shivering in the heavy rain.

"Lin Xu, listen to me," the eldest brother lowered his head, and lowered his voice in his younger brother's ear, as if he was trying to seduce something, "Lin Xu, think about it, you will continue to go to school, take exams, go to college, Take professional classes, then go out to work, maybe you will meet a girl you like, you will meet new friends... Nothing happened, nothing changed, did it?"

Many people have done ridiculous things, they never want to mention them, and they are buried in the deepest part of their memory.

"Lin Xu, you are always very sensible, and you understand many things yourself. This time, you also understand, right?"

Lin Xu felt that he had been suffocated in the ocean, as if the whole world had shrunk sharply and squeezed him into a single point. He opened his mouth to breathe with difficulty, raised his head slightly, and looked at his elder brother with red eyes, "I understand, I I have always...understood." The voice seemed to be squeezed out of the throat at the end.

"Brother, didn't you tell me before that if you want something, go for it?"

Lin Jian paused, and Lin Xu's voice was still low, not as if he was asking a question, but more like talking to himself, "Brother, have you tried it?" You understand the reason, but you just don't want to go Do you do the 'case? Brother, have you ever tried the 'it's over before you start fighting' situation?"

"Brother, do you know that feeling?"

When you are with a person, you will unconsciously imagine every scene where you will be with him in the future, and you have him in every detail of your imagination about the future days, but suddenly one day, all the scenes in all the scenes He is gone, and your future collapsed at this moment.

This kind of collapse happened bit by bit, from the shaking of the foundation, to the steel bars and concrete, to the windows, to the bricks... until the whole building collapsed.

And you were imprisoned in it, hit, bled, cried, couldn't escape, couldn't call anyone, and was finally buried into the darkness.

You think I just need to live the rest of the day normally, eating, sleeping, going to school...

In fact, I was covered with scars in the ruins. I used my blood-stained fingers to dig out the sand and stones above, to move every stone, and to look at the sunlight penetrating through it with difficulty.

Do you think that as long as I pretend that nothing happened, I can continue to chat with my parents about what happened at school, share the latest gossip with my classmates, and say hello to the uncle of the doorman...

In fact, I am holding the ruins and crying, even though they are broken into pieces, I still can't bear to lose them.

Lin Jian touched Lin Xu's dazed eyes with his hand, suddenly filled with sadness, all words became powerless at this moment, he still only wanted to say one sentence: everything will pass, everything will be better.

But he couldn't say it.

This summer vacation has been surprisingly busy.

The eldest brother's college entrance examination results have been released, and he performed well. Another college student came out of the village. According to the custom of the family, he has to go back to his hometown to serve wine.

Grandpa had a stroke, half of his body was paralyzed, he spent more time sleeping and less awake time. Grandpa always wanted to watch the three brothers in his family go to college, but he seemed unable to wait for that day any longer.

The family hurried back to their hometown, busy taking care of grandpa while contacting relatives and friends at home.

After my grandfather woke up, he didn't want to be hospitalized, so he had to take him to the countryside to recuperate.

During that period of time, Lin Xu’s memories are the thick green and white water mist outside the window in the early morning, the clacking sound of shoes stepping on the stone slabs in the yard, and the rustling sound of the water basin sprinkled on the path outside the yard after washing.

The cool summer wind blows through the hall, the dozing domestic dog lazily nests in the corner and wags its tail, the hen in the yard walks swaggeringly, followed by a row of round little yellow chickens.

Lin Xu accompanied his grandfather in the yard watching the clouds and clouds, watching the shadows of trees whirling, and listening to the sound of cicadas.

When grandpa got old, he could not speak clearly. Lin Xu could no longer understand what his grandpa said, but no matter what tone his grandpa made, he would obey him obediently.

Grandpa's voice is the chaos and hoarseness unique to the elderly. He always feels sleepy when he listens to it. He leans on the chair, his eyes are full of green summer.

The green was like translucent ink, so crystal clear that it was about to seep out.

Lin Xu would often walk around the fields in the countryside alone, sweating from walking under the scorching sun, and when he was really tired, he would sit down and watch the buffaloes in other people's fields chewing grass slowly.

Time seems to be slowed down here, every moment is very, very long.

This world is incredibly quiet.There is no rear pipe of the car, no shop stereo, and no bell for class and get out of class... and no Yang Fengrui.

Lin Xu's mood has never been so calm, being gently caressed by the wind, squinting to see the farthest mountains, letting his thoughts leave his body, floating in the air, and flying into the distance.

At one time, he felt that longing was sweet and sour, as sour as apricots, and as sweet as honey; later he felt that longing was bitter, like a knife piercing muscles, like iron chains tearing bones, grinding to death inch by inch; now , this longing is bitter but with a slight sweetness, bitterness is his own bitterness, sweetness is his own sweetness, and it has nothing to do with another person.

When I got home, dinner was already on the table.

Every time they go back to their hometown, the three brothers usually eat one egg per person. The hen at home lays the same day, and the taste is soft and the eggs are rich in fragrance.

At night, Lin Xu helped his grandpa to bed. Grandpa suddenly grabbed his hand and shook it. Lin Xu stopped suspiciously, watching his grandpa carefully grab an egg from his front pocket and put it into his hand.Grandpa babbled again, but Lin Xu still didn't understand.

Lin Xu stared blankly at the egg in front of him.

When he was young, his younger brother was greedy and always snatched his egg and ate it. He could only suffer secretly by himself. When grandpa found out, he always kept his own egg and stuffed it secretly for him.

Lin Xu lowered his head, "Grandpa, you will be fine."

He once heard his parents discussing his grandfather's illness, and the end was approaching, and he only wanted to be healthy in the last days.The egg in his hand was small and round, with the warmth of the old man's palm remaining.

Time is so ruthless, they are still young and ignorant of the world, and the old man has already stepped into the soil.

He can still say boldly that he is very confused about the future, and the old man has no future.The stories, emotions, and memories of those old people for many years will sink into the soil, and no one will know.

Those heart-piercing, those weeping tears, those major events that were once heavenly in the past years will all be turned into clouds and smoke, and they all look pale and powerless at this moment.

Grandpa touched his grandson's head with his hand before going to bed. The skin on his palm was rough and dry like dried orange peel.

Lin Xu could only hold on to Grandpa's hand tightly.

Grandpa, what is the purpose of life?What is the meaning of life?What do people want to pursue in life?

Yang Fengrui couldn't remember how many days he hadn't been home, his mobile phone was shut down due to arrears, and all the missed calls and text messages from his mother before shutting down.

When I woke up, I had a severe headache, and the dim lights in the Internet cafe enveloped everyone's faces into ghosts and monsters, with the bright light of the screen flickering.

There are scattered cigarette butts in front of the keyboard, and the strong smell of smoke has not dissipated.

Someone patted him on the shoulder, and handed him a box of instant noodles from behind, Yang Fengrui took it without looking back.

The man whispered a few words, "Seven o'clock tonight, the convenience store behind."

Yang Fengrui responded in a low voice, and was so hungry that he grabbed the instant noodles to find hot water, dizzy and dizzy, and made the sound of eating pain all the way, only to remember that his waist was pushed by an elbow several times in the melee three days ago, and his body One piece is all purple.

He doesn't remember how he hooked up with these people, or how he got mixed up with them, but it was familiar to him, and this was his life.

It was like a train that had deviated from the track was twisted, that fool had never appeared in his life, he was still him, Lin Xu was still Lin Xu, they never met.

This is his life.

Back to the original appearance, without Lin Xu.

The two-month summer vacation flew by, and Lin Xu was dragged back to the original world from another world.

High school ends, high school begins.

In the days of the second year of high school, arts and sciences were divided into subjects, key classes and parallel classes were divided into Chu and Han. After re-dividing classes, there were new classmates and new teachers around, and after re-dividing dormitories, there were new roommates.

This is a whole new environment.

Lin Xu never saw Yang Fengrui in the corridor again, never heard about Yang Fengrui again, he didn't know which class that guy went to, whether he moved back to the dormitory, or even Did the guy come to school.

He didn't know what happened, as if overnight, the whole world changed.

The classmates in the previous class gradually stopped saying hello when they met, and they were like strangers when they met.

The first year of high school is like another world that has been torn apart, and all traces of that world have been washed away.The world was thrown into the washing machine with washing liquid, stirred violently and then pulled out, leaving only dry white.

His timetable and circle of people were quickly reorganized, his life was magically filled and repaired, and he even started his new life without any obstacles.

No one remembers who his old best friend was, and no one cares whether he still keeps in touch with his classmate.

He felt that something was changing so fast that he had no control over it and was being dragged along in vain.

Until I ran into Yang Fengrui by chance.

He could barely recognize the guy, his hairstyle had changed, he was wearing a baseball cap with the brim pushed down, his own black T-shirt on top, and baggy school pants on his bottom.

That guy was walking among the crowd in twos and threes, and those students, in terms of hairstyle, dress, and demeanor, were all people that Lin Xu had never come into contact with.

Those guys are the simplest classification in the teacher's mouth: school troublemakers who don't study, or, poor students.

Lin Xu stopped stiffly.

Many people in the group noticed his gaze, glanced over with a playful smile, and then moved away without any concern.

The guy in the baseball cap never looked up.

Until the two of them were about to completely stagger, the guy slightly raised his chin, Lin Xu held his breath, but met the young man's indifferent eyes.

The other party seemed to never know the person in front of him, just glanced at him, lowered his head, and passed by easily.

Lin Xu's eyes widened slowly, with the illusion of suffocation. He took a few deep breaths before he stood firm, and hurried forward two steps to conceal his embarrassment.

He couldn't help but look back, only to see the figures of those two or three leaving, and the back of the boy in the baseball cap became completely unfamiliar.

He blinked, then blinked desperately, and slowly lowered his head.

The sky was abnormally yellow that day, like old photos moldy, with a desolate green shadow in the yellow halo.

They finally became, too, strangers.