Eat little by little

Tick-tick-tick-the minute hand moves.

Someone in the classroom wiped the sweat from his forehead, his face was red hot, his eyes were fixed on the test paper, and his fingertips turned white from too much force.

Someone looked up at the scorching sun outside the window, the sun was baking the earth, and the ground was steaming with dense heat.

June is here.

Not long after the warm front left, the flaming tongue of the blazing sun licked the broken land, the tip of the tongue flicked along the tiles of the teaching building, and the remaining body fluid exploded into bubbles.

The sound of the bell pierced the dead silence of the entire campus like a sharp blade, and the uproar suddenly resounded throughout the campus.

"Have you heard? There is no class in the third year of high school, and the rest of the time is for the students to review by themselves."

"Wow, it's nice not to have class."

"What's the matter? The college entrance examination is coming soon. I guess I won't be able to sleep well at night. I'm most afraid of the exam."

"It's the last test anyway, won't you be liberated after the test?"

"Tch, that's the one who did well in the exam."

……

The children who are still in the first year of high school are both excited and nervous about the legendary behemoth of the college entrance examination. They dig out the precious deeds of the previous high school seniors from the teacher, and proudly share the life of their brothers and sisters in the college entrance examination.

The three-blade fan in the classroom was running at overload, making a buzzing and roaring sound.

Lin Xu went to the bathroom during recess and splashed cold water on his face, and then hurried back to the classroom. When he walked through the corridor, his eyes stopped at the isolated third-year teaching building, and he stopped unconsciously.

Big Brother is about to take the college entrance examination.

For the cubs who are new to high school, the third year of high school is like a clear sign on the road of life. After crossing this threshold, there is another world, an unknown, freer world, which symbolizes that they have grown up.

This sign is so distinctive that all learning for as long as they can remember has been a struggle towards that end.

What was the third year of high school like?What is university like?

Trembling, excited and panicked.

——Xiao Xu, we will go to a university together in the future.

In their world, the farthest future imaginable is university.It seems that as long as you enter the university, your life will be dominated by yourself, and no one can separate them.

Lin Xu lowered his eyelids, the cool drops of water on his forehead slid down his cheeks and dripped into the air.

When he thought of that guy again, his emotions didn't waver.

The gears of time broke the threads of memory, and he learned not to recall those memories that were starting to blur, and told himself over and over again, don't think about it.

He still remembers the name, but just the name, with occasional bits and pieces.He sealed all the past into a huge ice cube and kept it cruelly frozen.He stood just outside the ice block, looking inside indifferently, not breaking or exploring, and letting the frost wrap layer by layer.

But at the same time, he seemed to freeze his emotions along with it.He doesn't know how to laugh very much, and looks at anyone with indifference, as if he is watching everything, and seems to be wandering.

The people in the dormitory said to him unintentionally: Lin Xu, have you changed?

changed?By what standard is it judged?

Because he used to always accept everything with a smile, but now he always accepts it with a blank face?

Is it because he used to answer patiently to everyone, but now he is often silent?

They all asked, Lin Xu, what happened to you?Did you encounter something unpleasant?

He feels that he is normal now, why do they all feel abnormal.

People change, don't they?

But it didn't take long, everyone got used to Lin Xu like this, and no one asked this question anymore.

This is the power of time.

After a while, Lin Xu in their memory will always be like this, never smiling, gentle, or soft-spoken.

When we are getting more and more fully armed, in this world, who will always remember your original appearance?

The day before the college entrance examination, the whole school saw off the senior year, with flags and shouts covering the entire road away from school.

Those high school seniors occasionally glanced over the fiery eyes of the first and second students around them, and they all moved back as if they were burning.

They are already mature in the eyes of the cubs, but they don't know that they are also confused about the future.

The sunlight pierced through the barrier of the atmosphere like a sharp arrow, and pierced everyone's eyes.The students crowded in the shade of the trees, and outlined the outline of every third-year student with their sweaty young faces and wide-open eyes, as if they had passed through time and saw themselves standing there two years later—carrying all hope , Like an invincible warrior, he forcibly straightened his back, raised his sharp sword, and rushed to a battlefield without gunpowder.

There were no knives or guns on that battlefield, but there was no blood spattered everywhere.

The short two-day college entrance examination is the longest time they have experienced in purgatory since they were born.

The Chinese test over there had just finished, and the composition questions for the college entrance examination spread throughout the campus within 10 minutes. Some people held up their mobile phones to read composition questions from various places, some listened, some muttered, and some complained.

It seems that in this way, they can also slightly touch the test paper of the college entrance examination, and feel the uneasiness at that moment.

On the day when the college entrance examination ended, Lin Xu's family drove to the examination room to pick up his eldest brother home.

Lin Xu will always remember the evening of that day, when the bell of the last exam rang over the entire campus, the fire was red for a long time, and the golden paint was overturned, illuminating the earnest eyes of every parent outside the school gate.

For an ordinary family, the college entrance examination is almost all hope for their next generation to change their destiny.

Students poured out from various teaching buildings, and every parent stretched their necks to look for their children in the crowd, sandwiching questions such as "how did you do in the exam?" " words.

The three brothers of the Lin family look somewhat alike, with similar outlines and similar charms in their eyebrows.

When Lin Xu watched his elder brother walk out from a distance, he could vaguely see his future self, with the bright sky and the sky blue teaching building behind him, like a traveler returning home, with relieved exhaustion in the corners of his eyes, no matter how well he passed the exam Good or bad, so be it.

"Brother." Lin Xu called out, opened his mouth and wanted to say something, his eyes touched the eyes of his elder brother, and then stopped.

The father patted the elder brother on the shoulder, and he seemed to be ten years older in an instant.Mother wanted to ask the other party how he did in the exam, but was afraid that he would fail the exam, so she could only ask in a low voice: "Have you eaten well these two days?"

The younger brother Lin Yuan looked around curiously, with a naivety of not knowing the world.

"go home."

On the way in the car, Lin Xu said to his elder brother Lin Jian: "It's great, my elder brother finally got rid of studying. The teachers all said that college is very easy."

Lin Jian was stunned for a moment, then smiled, and pinched his younger brother's cheek, "It's not so good. The college entrance examination is not over, everything has just begun." At the end, his eyes were also tainted with a little bit of ignorance. The void of the future.

Lin Xu didn't know why, but he was still a little envious.

Lin Jian could only smile, and rubbed his brother's hair again, "You will know later."

after?It's later again.

Lin Xu turned his head to look at the moving street scene outside the car window, his gaze was fixed on nothing.When exactly is later?Why didn't he wait until "later", it was already over.

The eldest brother gave Lin Xu his old mobile phone and bought a new one.The landline at home has been broken for a long time, and I can barely answer the phone, but I can't see the caller ID clearly.He played games at home for a few more days, then went out to work, and when he came back at night, he searched the official websites of various universities on the Internet.

Lin Xu often sat next to his elder brother during holidays, browsing various websites together, and asking trivial questions: "Where is this university?", "Why haven't I heard of this university?", "Brother, what do you want to study?" major?"……

Lin Jian smiled, "Why are you more serious than me? Which university did you go to?"

"Brother, do you want to go to a place farther away to study?"

"Of course, but if it's not a good school, choose one closer to home."

Lin Xu lowered his eyes in disappointment.

"What's the matter, where do you want to go?"

Lin Xu shook his head, "I don't know either, but I want to go far, far away, and no one knows me."

"Aren't you afraid?" Lin Jian was a little surprised that his 16-year-old little brother thought so much.

Lin Xu raised his head, his eyes flickered, and finally shook his head, "No."

"Come on, go to a very good and far university." Lin Jian smiled.

Lin Xu didn't know why, but couldn't help laughing, his eyes flickered, very clear.

It was near the time of the final exam.

The aftermath of the college entrance examination has just passed, and ordinary students are beginning to bear the pressure of the exam.

June is also the season when typhoons frequently occur. Often the sun was shining brightly the day before, but the next moment, the wind suddenly picks up, and an orange typhoon warning is issued.

The heavy rain was pouring, and the ground was covered with fallen green leaves, floating in the dirty muddy water.

Lin Xu was often sprayed with water vapor because he stood by the railing of the corridor, or his whole body became hot from the light.But he couldn't help but get closer to see that person clearly, the muddy outline in the torrential rain, and the slanting shadow in the scorching sun.

He is used to occasionally not being able to wait for the unexpected situation of the other party, and he has also learned how to hide himself a second before the other party raises his gaze.

What does this behavior represent?Is it because of painstaking longing?Or the sadness that cannot be asked for?

Lin Xu is just used to it, used to standing here at this time and waiting for a figure.

He had no mood swings, neither happy nor miserable, just stood here and watched.

He always thought that maybe one day he would suddenly be unable to get up from bed, and this habit would be broken.

Time is the fine sand in an hourglass, but it can desolate the entire forest; time is the wear and tear of steel, but it can change the vicissitudes of life; time is the wrinkles in the corners of human eyes, but it can erase the life of a planet.

When you think about it this way, how short is their time?How insignificant is their existence?Their persistence...how ridiculous?

"Brother, what does the future look like?"

At that time, could he like whoever he wanted?

- No, if you are not strong enough, you can never choose what you want.

During the days of the final exam, it was rainy, and at night, in my sleep, I could hear the sound of wind and rain beating on the window.

After the end of term, it is a long summer vacation.

At the end of the last semester, there was a puppy-like guy pestering me not to leave, licking his eyelashes with a wet tongue, and whispering: Xiao Xu.

At the end of this semester, he sat alone in the empty classroom, looking around, there was nothing.

It was obviously sealed, but some memories slipped out cunningly.

He seemed to see the figure of that guy's mother when he went downstairs, but it was just a flash, and he almost didn't recognize it.

Lin Xu's pupils dilated slightly, and he suddenly realized, does that mean he won't be able to see that person for two whole months?

His heart was stabbed sharply, and he was suddenly at a loss.

This helplessness wrapped around his limbs like a nightmare, like every night in the past four months, leaving imprints of confinement on his body.

When his eldest brother came to pick him up in the classroom and raised his head, what he saw was a pale face.

"What's the matter, did you fail the exam?" Lin Jian asked nervously.

Lin Xu lowered his head, hid his face, and said hoarsely, "No."

He just found out: he still likes that guy.

I like it very much.

Yang Fengrui leaned on the passenger seat of the car, his eyes drifted over the roof in the distance outside the window, and he gently stroked the skin of the backpack with his fingers.

Fang Xue shifted her gaze slightly, glanced at her child, and then tightened her grip on the steering wheel.

"Xiaofeng, is there any place you want to go during summer vacation?"

Yang Fengrui seemed unaware, still looking out the window.

Fang Xue's eyes darkened.

"How about going to Hainan? You can go swimming. Or go rafting. It will be very comfortable in summer."

Yang Fengrui suddenly turned his head to look at Fang Xue, and Fang Xue's voice froze.

Yang Fengrui said for a while: "Why do you ask this? Do you want to accompany me? Don't you need to accompany your man and those two children?"

Fang Xue's face turned pale and her voice trembled, "I, I can give you money."

"Oh, no need for that." Yang Fengrui raised the corner of his mouth.

Fang Xue remarried, and the other half also brought two children.

Xu Shi was terribly silent in the car, Yang Fengrui said softly, "How are you doing over there?"

Fang Xue's eyelashes trembled, and beads of sweat dripped from the palm of her hand holding the steering wheel: "It's okay."

Yang Fengrui turned his gaze back out of the window again, "That's good."

Fang Xue's eyes gradually turned red, and she turned her head to look at the grown-up child, looking at the indifferent expression in the familiar silhouette, she opened her mouth and found her throat was dry, "They...don't want to call me mom."

After going around for so many years, she lost her child.

"Really?" Yang Fengrui's voice was so soft that he seemed to be blurred, "I don't want to call either."

Tears ran down her cheeks wantonly, Fang Xue closed her eyes in pain, and stopped the car on the side of the road.

"Xiaofeng, do you miss Dad and Mom?"

Yang Fengrui blinked in a daze, an imperceptible fragility flashed across the big boy's face, then he shook his head, "I don't want to."

What's the use of thinking?

I used to think about it day and night, trying all the hard work a young child can do, but I didn't get a stay from my parents.

It's the same now, even if I think about that boy day and night, what's the use?

He couldn't change anything before, and he can't change now.

"Do you want to see your dad?"

Yang Fengrui didn't know why he suddenly turned to this topic, and turned his head in doubt.

Fang Xue's eyes were filled with crystal tears, and she said hoarsely, "I, I told your father." Then she seemed to explain something, "After all, you are also his son, and you have been like this for the past few months. ...I, I..." She collapsed, "I really don't know what to do."

Yang Fengrui's eyes widened, the dark tide tossed his body head-on, and he was floating in the ocean like a tattered piece.

When he opened the door, Yang Fengrui's body was always stiff. He changed his shoes tremblingly, and easily saw the shadow of the silent man on the sofa in the living room.

The man raised his head when he heard the voice.

Yang Fengrui was shocked in place as if struck by lightning.

If anyone can subdue Xiao Xu before him, it is only this father.This once was the most glorious and great image in his heart, and it was also his nightmare when he was beaten again and again.

The man's temples were a little gray, but his eyes still pierced people's hearts.

"You fucking don't mind making trouble for me, do you?! Did you get gay this year?" Before the words finished, the man had already stepped on his slippers and lashed out, dragging Yang Fengrui by the collar and heading for the living room. "You're fucking hopeless! Did you steal and rob me when I came to see you next year? Did you go to jail the next year? Boy, you are so capable, you are getting better every year!"

My father panted heavily, and at the end he almost put his foot on Yang Fengrui, "How did you guarantee it? Didn't you say that you would not cause trouble anymore!"

Yang Fengrui's 1.8-meter body looked weak in front of his father. He opened his eyes blankly, "I, I didn't cause trouble."

"Bastard!" Father slapped it down.

A crisp slap sounded.

Yang Fengrui stared blankly at the man, his left cheek was burning with pain, as if he couldn't believe it.

"Don't hit the child!" Fang Xue rushed over and stopped the man, "It's not his fault!"

"Huh? Whose fault is that? Your fault?" The man smiled, his eyes fell on the woman, "Is this the good son you brought out?"

"What did you say! This is your son too!" Fang Xue blushed.

"I still wish I didn't have this son! Look at what he has done. It doesn't count if he was expelled from school before! Fighting, smoking and falling in love, every day is a warning call from the teacher. I dare not admit it in front of others. This child! Now that it's over, you're going to have sex with a man right away?" The man's eyes cracked.

"Is this my fault? Have you seen him for so many years? What have you cared about him? Don't you know why you got divorced? You travel and fly every day, have you ever cared about your family?"

"I work hard every day to support my family, what the hell do you know? I didn't care about him? Who helped him clean up the mess? Who helped him transfer the school? It's not me, which street is he on now? You don't even know about wandering!"

……

It's those years of troubles and repeated quarrels.

Yang Fengrui seemed to be back when he was a child again, he was hiding in the room, hungry, listening to the harsh quarrel outside the door.

He was so hungry that he kept crying, but he didn't dare to open the door.

At that time, he was useless.

Yang Fengrui doesn't want to fight for anything anymore, this is his fate, he doesn't deserve any happiness.

He took two steps back, trying to escape from this place.

The father's voice tore through the space, "Where are you going, bastard? Did you let me go!" The man grabbed him and pushed him to the ground, kicking him twice, "Is your matter settled? The other man is who?"

Yang Fengrui covered his head, not wanting to hear anything.

"Damn it, how did you go to school? You're going to fight with your parents, right? You're going to fight with your parents, right? You shouldn't be fucking sending you to school in the first place!" The man was so angry that he picked up his slippers and smoked them.

Fang Xue jumped up in fright, "Why are you so nervous! He is your son!"

"I don't have this son!"

Yang Fengrui didn't know why the hot tears on his face flowed like a circle, wet his whole face.

He felt that he was getting smaller and smaller, like a weak cicada chrysalis, and was finally crushed lightly under the feet of others, with blood splattered everywhere, but was rubbed by the soles of his feet.

Mother's anxious voice sounded, "Xiaofeng, you go! You go!"

Yang Fengrui murmured in a broken voice, "I don't want to be your son either...I don't want to..." He suddenly struggled to sit up and roared, "I don't want you either!"

"Damn it, you turned against you!" The man was about to slap him off, his eyes were facing his son's stubbornly raised face, and his hands stopped abruptly.

It was the face of a somewhat mature teenager, with his father's appearance in his brows and eyes. They had the same blood and shared the same genes.

That face was full of tears, and in the tears was the hideous face of his father.

What the hell happened?Let their father and son come to where they are today?

The man can still think of the anxious waiting outside the operating room, the tears of joy when he picked up the baby for the first time, and the cautiousness when he was walking with the baby...

His raised hand was trembling all the time, and the whites of his eyes were bloodshot, as if he had aged ten years in an instant.

He had placed all his expectations on this child, and had imagined that this child would look as handsome as his father in the future.

When exactly?They became what they are now?

In this gap, the boy got up, rushed from his father's hand to the door, turned his head, howled like a wounded beast, "Why did you give birth to me but didn't want me! You didn't want to give birth to me in the first place!"

He rushed out into the street, surrounded by night, and he looked at the sky, hoping that all the tears would evaporate and his body would dry up.

The shops outside are lit up with flashing lights on their signs, flashing to attract the attention of passers-by.

In the evening, the temperature dropped, the wind was blowing on the face, and it was moist and cool.Yang Fengrui looked around, at the crowds passing by on the street, but he didn't know where he should go.

He wandered the streets aimlessly, pockets of loose change and a mobile phone.He was hungry, but he didn't want to set foot in any restaurants, and he looked so embarrassed that he didn't even want to be exposed to the lights.

He didn't know why he was still crying, the facial muscles seemed to be out of his control suddenly, and the eyes would only twitch with tears.

He could only wipe away the surging saline over and over again with his sleeve in a panic until his entire sleeve was soaked.

Like every time he ran away from home, Yang Fengrui came to the edge of the slide in another community.After sunset, all the children had left, leaving only the swing still swaying slightly.

The night wind blew his body, and a colder chill appeared in the wet place. He shrank his body and hid in the slide like a young child.

Lying on the slide, he can see all the lights of the surrounding residents upstairs. Every house is on. The sound of TV, the voice of family members chatting, and the laughter of children seem to be able to penetrate the warm atmosphere. Lights come out.

Only he wanders in the boundless night.

No one wants him.

His eyes were dry and his limbs were numb. He was like a dying old man who had forgotten the passage of time.

He looked at the dark sky, murmured, and whispered two words, as if he wanted to draw some strength from it.

Xiao Xu...Xiao Xu...

Who would want him?Who will miss him?Who cares about him?

When the call was connected, he was unconscious, he didn't know when he took out the phone, and he didn't know when he broadcast the number.

The sound of music coming out from there has become a beautiful piece of music.

He still couldn't help calling the name.

Dip—the phone is connected.

"Hey?"

Yang Fengrui woke up suddenly, his fingers were stiff.This is not Lin Xu's voice.

He looked around with his mobile phone, and suddenly felt how ridiculous he was sitting on the slide.

"Hello? Is there anyone there?...Looking for Lin Xu?"

Yang Fengrui was startled before he realized that he was saying Lin Xu's name.

The swaying of the swing has stopped, the night wind blows the surrounding potted plants, and the silhouette of the street lamp slightly illuminates the bracket of the slide.

"Hello?" A gentle boy's voice came from over there, the sound quality was clean, as if the sun was flowing in the stream.

Yang Fengrui's eyes widened, his fingers clenched the phone tightly, like a hungry traveler with his ear close to the phone.He opened his mouth wide, but he couldn't make any sound. His throat was dry and painful, and every breath seemed to be blocked by lime.

He shouted in his heart: Xiao Xu...Xiao Xu...

"Is anyone there? Who are you?"

"Hello? Is there something wrong?...Did you make a mistake?"

Yang Fengrui twitched his lips, his left cheek was still hot, and he frowned in pain.He suddenly raised the corners of his mouth and smiled sadly.

What does he want to do?What's the use of finding Lin Xu?Can Lin Xu take him in?Or Lin Xu can let him go home?He can't do anything, how can Lin Xu do it?

They are all children, children who only cry when they are bullied.

The breath was expelled from the throat with difficulty, and every inhalation felt like a heavy stone was thrown from the chest.He struggled on the beach like a dying fish.

He was reluctant to hang up the phone, like a fish thirsting for the last bit of water.

Xiao Xu...Xiao Xu...

Say a little more, say a little more.

It was suddenly quiet over there.

Yang Fengrui's breathing was stagnant, and his eyes gradually lost their luster, as if he had heard the voice of hanging up the phone over there.

But strangely, there was no call over there.

The silence lasted about 3 minutes. Yang Fengrui listened quietly, as if grabbing the sound of breathing from the other side.

Across the long distance, the breaths of the two seemed to merge at this moment.

There was a sudden trembling voice, "Ah Rui?"

Yang Fengrui was shocked and almost threw the phone away, his pupils widened in disbelief.

"Ah Rui, is that you?"

Yang Fengrui's eyes gradually turned red.

"Ah Rui, what's the matter? What happened? Where are you?"

……

The wind was blowing, passing through the clothes and cooling the limbs.

The fallen branches and leaves swirled on the limestone ground, bumped into the street lamp, and stopped with a snap.

Yang Fengrui hung up the phone, his vision was once again covered in darkness, tears slid down his temples from the corners of his eyes, and wet his temples.

He finally said in a low voice: "Xiao Xu."

He covered his eyes and said over and over again, "Xiaoxu...Xiaoxu..."

The phone kept vibrating, and the screen showed that the other side was constantly replaying.

"Lin Xu, what's wrong with you?" Lin Jian looked at his younger brother who was calling next to him, and asked in confusion.

Lin Xu pressed the playback button over and over again as if obsessed, with his ear firmly attached to the microphone.

"Lin Xu, what's the matter?" Lin Jian grabbed the microphone in his younger brother's hand, "You've been replaying it for half an hour!"

"He didn't answer the phone, something must have happened to him." Lin Xu opened his eyes blankly, and hurriedly grabbed the microphone in the elder brother's hand, "Where is he..."

Lin Jian frowned, held Lin Xu's face in his hands, and stared at him, "Lin Xu, look at me, relax."

Lin Xu's eyes finally gradually focused, and he looked at his eldest brother in a daze.

It was hard for Lin Jian to see his prudent younger brother showing such a fragile appearance, and he felt a little distressed, "Lin Yuan, tell elder brother what happened."

Tears suddenly fell from Lin Xu's eyes, he hugged his elder brother, "Brother, I fell in love with someone."

Lin Jian patted his younger brother on the back, patted and patted, his palms stopped suddenly, and he heard his younger brother say, "Brother, that's a boy."

It was twelve o'clock in the morning when Yang Fengrui woke up from the cold.His whole body was frozen stiff, he glanced at his phone, it showed eighteen missed calls, and he turned off the phone.

He staggered off the slide at night, passed a 24-hour convenience store, and walked in.

The proprietress glanced at him, then turned her head and continued watching the TV series on the computer.

Yang Fengrui glanced around, took a few bottles of beer, and pointed to the window behind the proprietress, "A pack of Zhonghua."

The proprietress raised her eyes again, as if she was looking at the age of the child in front of her, a sarcasm flashed in her eyes, and she twisted her fat body to get a pack of cigarettes.

Yang Fengrui asked for a lighter again, and when he went out, he skillfully pulled the lighter and lit a cigarette, held it in his mouth, his face was clouded by the white smoke, he felt his throat was burning, and his body was also slightly warmed.

His eyes were also full of sarcasm.

The proprietress suddenly asked from behind, "Why don't you go home?"

Yang Fengrui closed the door without looking back.

Lin Xulin Lin always said something about him and that boy, very scribbled, but clear enough.

Lin Jian's tongue felt numb, and he didn't even know how to respond.He wanted to tell Lin Xu that this was wrong, but every time he touched his younger brother's eyes, he couldn't speak.

Eldest brother Lin Jian struggled with his brain cells, and he could only ask stiffly, "Do you... want to forget about that man... that person?"

What he really wanted to ask was: Do you regret it?

Lin Xu seemed to be in a daze, shaking his head slightly.

All the words of the elder brother Lin Jian choked into his throat. Finally, he said softly: "It's okay, everything will pass. Everything will be fine."

Lin Xu cut off the sentence suddenly, "It won't get better."

Lin Jian looked into his younger brother's painful eyes, but couldn't say a word.For a moment, he felt a deep sadness.

In the wee hours of the morning, another teenager was wandering alone. The stars could not be seen in the dark night of the city. All the lights in the residential buildings had been extinguished, except for the scarlet flames of cigarette butts.

He looked at the night sky as if he were looking at a black hole, where there is no matter, no space, no time, there is nothingness there.

Of course, the days are still passing, and the time is still passing.

But how can a future be better without you.