bad derailment

I thought that I could handle this fruitless ambiguity well, then pack up my mood, and treat Jiang Qiushi as the most ordinary friend.

But I overestimated myself.

He didn't even mean it, it was just a small accident, a kiss that wasn't really a kiss, like gravel thrown into the bottom of a well, completely disturbing my peaceful heart.

That may not be called calm at all, it is just a shell as thin as a cicada's wings, and it just collapses like a mirage with a slight touch.

Every action of Jiang Qiushi has a different meaning to me. Until now, after a long time, when I close my eyes, I can still remember the frequency of his heartbeat when he suddenly approached. His eyes were not calm, as if he was saying goodbye to me. Reveal some old secret that cannot be told.

I like Jiang Qiushi's eyes very much, they are not so outstanding, and they are not ostentatious, but when they look at me, they are uniquely beautiful.

I thought I couldn't care less, thought I could walk very simply.

But this is just 'I thought'.

Originally, I could still find Gu Mingsheng to vent my distress, but now that the relationship has deteriorated, I have completely lost the only one to confide in, so I can only hide everything in my heart and let it digest silently.

Maybe people can really fall in love with different people at the same time, once I was in front of Jiang Qiushi, I would temporarily forget the existence of Chen Feng.But when I got back in front of Chen Feng, I couldn't help but feel conflicted guilt, like a vicious cycle, ups and downs in my heart again and again.

I don't know when, I started to be especially afraid of facing Chen Feng.When I was with him, I could only try to slowly adjust my mood back to the past, to learn from my former self, and to pretend that nothing happened.

He has always been a very simple person, accustomed to showing all his emotions on his face, but now I am suddenly uncertain, as if I have never really looked through him all these years.

Those details that I had left out, neglected, came up strangely during this time.

I thought, maybe I really liked Chen Feng at some point.When he tried his best to surprise me on my birthday when he was in the hospital, when he always peeled the shells and shrimps before me even if he thought it was troublesome, when he blurted out my name countless times in his dreams Sometimes...it seems like many times, I have not been as unmoved as I thought.

Trustworthiness is like a piece of porcelain, if it is broken and sticks together again, if you spend your whole life looking at those cracks, there will always be a day when it will collapse.

I don't know when that will come, maybe it's still far away, maybe it's tomorrow, but it must be a painful process, so that I often wake up in my sleep, and when I close my eyes, I can still see Chen Feng in the dream when he leaves. Indifferent back.

He seemed to leave at any moment, getting farther and farther away from me.

The only time I could escape this suffocation was briefly when I was working.The atmosphere in the news agency is not dull. During the lunch break, I can hear colleagues chatting together. Although it is just some ordinary gossip, it can relieve my anxiety to a certain extent.

I'm not used to being part of a conversation, just listening and quietly looking at my phone.An advertisement for shopping software suddenly popped up on the notification bar, I crossed it out, and suddenly remembered something after a slow beat.

Chen Feng's birthday is coming soon.

In fact, it cannot be said to be 'coming soon', because strictly speaking, there are still more than two months.

In the past, I seldom thought of these things on my own initiative, and I was used to preparing gifts only when he reminded me.But now just seeing an irrelevant piece of news, the bottom of my heart will think of him after twists and turns.

This phenomenon is strange and unfamiliar, I have never experienced it specifically, it just doesn't feel bad.It took me a few minutes to untangle and think hard about what gift to give him.

If Chen Feng is a person without romantic cells, then I can be called a negative number.I have always believed that this kind of thing has no necessary connection with sexual orientation, until the end of the day's work, I didn't think of any clues.

But I can't say that there is no such thing at all, but I personally feel that it is a bit too hypocritical, and even just thinking about it will cause a little embarrassment.

I wandered in front of the store feeling like an inexperienced thief.The salesman in the store cast his gaze five times, and when I finally made up my mind for the sixth time, I walked in boldly.

There was a warm smile on the face of the other party, "Sir, what do you need?"

I pretended to look carefully at the ornaments on the counter, then took off the ring on my hand and put it on the glass table.

"Do you have a ring of the same style here?"

"Wait a minute, let me take a look for you."

The clerk carefully checked the ring I handed over, but fortunately, he didn't show the strange expression I imagined.

I think this must be a very inexplicable request, but it is also the most meaningful gift I can think of so far.In fact, I still don't know why I am standing here, but my body inexplicably drives me, telling me what I need to do for Chen Feng.

"Sorry sir, we don't have the same style of women's ring here." The clerk said apologetically after putting down the ring.

I was a little embarrassed, and after pursing my lips, I still asked: "Are there no men's rings?"

The clerk said: "No sir, this is the style of LG. If you need it, you can go to their store to have a look."

This word is a little strange, I paused for a few seconds before realizing that the other party was referring to the brand of the ring.After leaving the store, I typed these two letters into the search engine, and an official website address popped up soon.

I rowed slowly, and finally found a men's ring of the same style. I fixed my eyes on the price list and held my breath.

Just such a simple silver ring without any decorations, it costs a full [-] yuan?

This has gone far beyond the scope of 'a little money', and can even buy a nice diamond ring... But where did Chen Feng get this money?

I couldn't calm down the turbulent mood, and the uneasiness that had been extinguished for a long time clung to my heart again.

From then to now, I have told myself countless times not to think too much, everyone has secrets that they don't want to tell others, I can't selfishly ask Chen Feng to be absolutely calm with me.

But reason and emotion can never be balanced, when this person becomes Chen Feng, everything will be different.

"How much did you pay for the ring?"

When I got home, I didn’t hold back from asking, and in order not to look deliberate, I added calmly: “Today, a colleague asked and thought this style was good and wanted to buy a similar one, so he asked me the price. "

Chen Feng didn't seem to be very vigilant, and said casually: "It's not much money, only five or six thousand. I forget which brand it is, but the prices are probably about the same."

"Are you really five or six thousand?"

He raised his head and looked at me with dark pupils, "Well, almost."

My palms felt a little cold, and it was the first time I found out that Chen Feng could tell a lie without changing his expression or beating his heart.

"Seventy thousand is about the same as five or six thousand?" I asked him.

The surroundings slowly quieted down, and the silence spread into the ears, no less than a silent battle.

I was waiting for Chen Feng to speak, at least an explanation that was better than nothing, but after a long time, he just looked at me, with deep meanings in his eyes that I couldn't understand.

That represented the last acquiescence I wanted, and plunged my heart into freezing water.

"Chen Feng, I have thought about asking you many times, but every time you either evade or change the subject, if you don't want to tell me all the facts, it doesn't matter if you only say a little, at least don't keep me in the dark. "

Probably because I showed some rare emotions, Chen Feng's arrogance slowly lowered, and he said softly, "Xiao Yao, I didn't deliberately hide it from you."

I said, "Then tell me the truth."

There was silence for a long time, so long that I almost thought he was going to avoid this question again, then Chen Feng's voice rang softly in my ears.

"The money was given to me by my family."

The answer was very simple, even so simple that it was abnormal. My heart jumped a few more beats for no reason, and I asked him: "You mean you have reconciled with your parents? If so, why didn't you tell me? Isn't it Is it a good thing?"

He lowered his head and pursed the corners of his cold lips, "It's not like that."

But when I asked him why, Chen Feng fell silent again and didn't speak again.

He seldom reveals this attitude of tending to be weak, and the more he does, the more it represents a problem.

I pretended to be indifferent and said: "If you don't want to say it, then I won't ask you. I will never ask you this question again in my life. What you do in the future has nothing to do with me. Is this okay?"

"Do you have to force me?" Chen Feng stared at me deeply, as if he was struggling with something, "Lin Yao, let's stop talking about this, and stop arguing, okay?"

It's so strange, the person who said these words in the past seems to be me all the time, since when did my position with him change drastically?

"Okay, if that's your answer."

I nodded and got up to go back to the room. After walking a few steps, Chen Feng's trembling voice suddenly came into my ears.

"I have never settled with them. The money comes from my shares in the company at home, which is regularly punched into the card every month."

Companies, shares, these words that have never been associated with him, are like a few extra pieces of a puzzle that are stuffed into the corners abruptly.

It was so strange, everything was very strange, I turned my head and met Chen Feng's gaze, as if seeing this person clearly for the first time, discovering another completely different side of him for the first time.

"In other words, you have a regular source of income every month?"

After a long time, I opened my mouth with difficulty, dismantling and reassembling this sentence countless times in my heart, and came up with this ridiculous answer.

"......Yes."

"When did it start?"

He was silent.

I asked again: "When did it start?"

Chen Feng's voice was slightly hoarse: "The contract came into effect when I was a child, and it is a gift from my father to me as an adult."

The moment I heard this answer, my body shook, as if many related and irrelevant things came to my mind, jammed together chaotically, and laughed at my dullness and stupidity.

"Chen Feng, you are telling me now that in the past five years you have not been poor and poor, are you?"

At times like this, I couldn't help but smile at him.

"You lied to me that you were kicked out of your family and couldn't go anywhere without a penny, so I was the only one I could rely on. If I remember correctly, you were 19 years old at that time. You know that I am ashamed of you, and I am even more It is impossible to refuse your request after you have fallen down, is it because of this that you deliberately kept it from me for five full years?"

"Xiao Yao, I didn't do it on purpose. I regretted it a long time ago, but I just couldn't find a way to tell the truth."

Chen Feng looked at me, his eyes slowly turned red, "I've forgiven you so many times, just once, can't you forgive me?"

I suddenly feel very tired.

The apologies for these years, the compensation he wanted to give to Chen Feng, and the exhausting work every day are so ridiculous.

When I was trying to weigh the time and calculate a little bit for the expenses of two people, he still said why I didn't spend more time with him.I changed out of guilt and made infinite concessions for him, but I had no idea what kind of mood Chen Feng had in hiding all of this, watching me worry about him and insomnia with peace of mind.

I can't see through him at all, and I don't want to see through again. People are all selfish and ugly inside. I can't even forgive myself, so how can I forgive him?