[Zhongyingmei] The clown is actually me

"There is no doubt, Ma'am, your husband is suffering from schizophrenia." The doctor in a white coat put the medical records on the table, "According to his medical records,? He suffered from Asperger's Syndrome when he was young Symptom,? This is a kind of autism. He has received psychological counseling and drug treatment, and his mental condition has improved, but the old disease has relapsed in the past few days, and the most obvious symptom is what you see - severe delusions disease."

"Why did he get sick suddenly? He told me that he has recovered, and won't relapse again." Sitting opposite the doctor, Jenny said softly.

"I think it's because of some kind of inducement, such as your change of identity: from wife,? to mother."

"Mother?"

"Well,? Yes. We speculate that the trigger for his autism at a young age? His mother's long-term abuse? He harbored resentment towards his mother or something. The news of your pregnancy stimulated He,? He realized that you had become a mother,? So he began to behave strangely." The doctor shook his head,? Looking at Jenny's abdomen,? "Madam, I advise you not to keep this child, this spirit The disease is an X-linked dominant genetic disease, and it is very likely to be inherited."

Jenny was silent for a long time: "Will it be inherited?"

"Not necessarily,? It can only be said that the probability is very high. And once this disease occurs, the degree of the disease will be several times more severe in men than in women."

Jenny caressed her abdomen with her white hands. The gesture seemed to strangle the child, or to protect it: "Doctor,? I have polycystic ovaries, and it is difficult to conceive. If you get rid of this Child, I'm afraid I can't get pregnant again in the future. This child is only two months old, please give me some time to think about it."

"It's your freedom, ma'am."

"What am I going to do now? Put Jack in a mental hospital?"

The doctor pondered for a while, finally opened the drawer, took out a medicine bottle the size of a thumb, and handed it to Jenny: "Although your husband's mental condition is not good, he is still under control and does not need to be hospitalized for a long time. Three times a week Just come for psychiatry and a psychological evaluation. This is a new drug developed for schizophrenia."

Jenny took the medicine bottle from him. There was a blooming belladonna flower printed on the medicine bottle. Because the painting was too cartoony, it looked like black nightshade or lily of the valley instead.She didn't recognize the famous poisonous weed, but turned her head to look at the doctor. The doctor coughed a few times, turned his gaze to one side, and said to her: "The medicine developed by the Orsher Company contains poisonous belladonna flowers and leaves. Extract a small amount of alkaloids, which can inhibit central nervous system excitation and smooth muscle spasm and other symptoms, and should be able to effectively control your husband's schizophrenia and paranoia. Three times a day, morning, noon and night, two tablets each time. I want to tell you in particular, this This drug has certain liver and kidney toxicity, which may cause palpitations, delirium, thirst, flushing, dilated pupils, and tachypnea.

"Okay, thank you doctor."

Jenny stood up, picked up her satchel, and left the clinic. Jack sat outside the door of the consulting room. He didn't hear the conversation between the doctor and Jenny, but he could probably guess what they said.When Jenny walked out the door, he patted the dust off his suit and followed silently.

It has been half a month since he came back here from Neverland World. During this half month, he slept, lived, and worked with nervousness, and tried in vain to write out the formulas and algorithms in his mind time and time again during working hours. Like a programmer running a program over and over again to find bugs, he carefully observes everything he sees and encounters, trying to find flaws in it to prove his point of view is correct.But he failed. Jack moved between home and the chemical factory, living the ordinary life he once dreamed of, with two points and one line. Everything he came into contact with was so perfect, and there was no clue left for him. They are all real and scary: they are trivial, boring, boring, and bland, and they can see a future without ups and downs at a glance.

He has never felt that this kind of life is so tormented, as if there is a raging fire in his heart, he dreams of Gotham day and night, a city that is as dark, depressing, and evil as a black mandala, and as gorgeous and graceful as a peerless beauty.He dreamed that he was jumping and shuttling among high-rise buildings, the oncoming wind was blowing his long swallowtail, and a round of bright moon rose from behind the thick clouds, casting cold and pale light on the earth. The smell of gunpowder and blood was smelled in the clear moonlight.

"Jenny, I..."

Jenny interrupted him: "That's enough, Jack, stop telling me stories, I'm not interested in listening to your fantasies. The most important thing for you now is to rest, take your medicine, cure your paranoia, and then go back to work."

The two walked out of the hospital relatively silently. Not long after they left, a nurse came to clean up the doctor's table, suddenly saw the medicine bottle on the table, raised her eyebrows, and said to the doctor: "You are still selling this medicine?" A kind of medicine? It has not passed the drug supervision, and it is produced by Orscher Pharmaceutical Factory. Who knows if this medicine will cause serious problems.”

The doctor didn't care: "The Olscher Pharmaceutical Factory has been investigated by the Food and Drug Administration. After a while, you will probably see news that the illegal production has been seized in the newspapers. By then, these drugs will really not be sold. This period of time, can sell a little is a little."

"Are you not afraid of being sued in court for practicing medicine illegally?"

"How could it be?" The doctor slowly blew a smoke ring: "I didn't even write a prescription, who knew I gave them the medicine?"

It started as a hallucination, as Jack began to see flowers growing in wine glasses.

The world has become colorful, and everything has become dazzlingly gorgeous.Then Jack kept seeing things that did not exist in the real world: elves, flowers, gods, demons... Inanimate dead things whispered in the middle of the night, milk danced on the dinner plate, and the soft grass was blown to the ground by the strong wind. The gaps in the industry are covered with dense aphids.Immediately afterwards, the concept of time was distorted, stretched, and shortened by a pair of invisible hands. After his mathematical ability was sealed, he seemed to have gradually forgotten even counting. Forget where you counted to.Sometimes Jack felt that only 1 minute had passed, but when he looked up at the clock, it was an hour; occasionally Jack felt that he had wasted the whole afternoon, but Jenny said that he was just lying in bed and sleeping with a cigarette.

He clearly knew that he was gradually losing his ability to express himself. He didn't slowly become stupid like Algernon*. It felt more like he couldn't express the thoughts in his head, which was uncomfortable.Jack tried to record all this with words, not to mention retaining his thinking ability, at least let people know what he has experienced before, but this tiny attempt failed.He lost his ability to perceive space, and things in his eyes became a flat abstract painting. He could no longer distinguish up, down, left, and right. He even lost the concept of front and back, and the organized words in his mind fell to paper. It turned into letters scattered all over the white paper.

(Note Algernon: The character in "A Bouquet for Algernon", a smart mouse who can walk a maze, finally chose to commit suicide because he lost his intelligence)

Like sleepwalking.

Jack tried to jot down the idea, using what little he had left of his spatial perception, and spelled out "sleepwalking" on the paper.He licked the tip of the pen and told himself: write l after s, and e after l, write slowly, don't rush.He didn't succeed in doing this simple little thing. Sleepwalking was written in two lines, and they were all written crookedly.The primary school students who have just learned words can write better than him.

He wants to tell the doctor that insanity is like dreaming. Dreams have no logic, time and space, just like a video tape that has been spliced ​​backwards.He lived in an absurd dream, feeling that he had turned into a ghost. The events of his life and the people in front of him became extremely blurred, leaving only a few colorful shadows.

Like the deepest nightmare waking up from his mind, Jack woke up one day and saw his mother's face.

"You did domestic violence to her." It was dark all around, only the table and chairs and the two were illuminated by the cold light of the desk lamp. When Jack came back to his senses, the doctor was sitting in front of him with his hands folded.

"I didn't." Jack was telling the truth, his memory was completely messed up, he couldn't remember what he had done at all.The slight suffocation made him lower his head, and only then did he realize that he was wearing a restraint suit for mental patients, with both arms folded across his chest, and the fragmented images that flashed before him made him less sure: "I ……I do not remember……"

The doctor scribbled on a piece of paper: "You have a family history of a rare neuromanic disorder that makes you extremely aggressive, even attacking your wife. What's the date?"

Jack hesitated for a moment: "June 6."

"Wrong, today is October 10." The doctor coughed, "We guessed right, you have no concept of the date, your thinking has been stuck in the past. So when your wife is pregnant for 19 months When you appeared in front of you, you mistook her for your mother and committed the most serious act of violence against her. Your marriage is no longer viable, and she will sue for divorce in a few days."

Jack bowed his head deeply, and took a long time to say: "...I'm sorry, very, very sorry...I thought I was just a little autistic, and I was cured, and I didn't expect to relapse..."

"This situation is unexpected and not your intention. Don't put too much psychological burden on it. It's not good for treatment, and you won't go to jail. The law will most likely allow you to do community labor during treatment." The doctor sighed He took a deep breath, "You stay here for a while, and I will arrange the formalities for you."

"Ah."

The sound of the doctor's footsteps gradually faded away. Jack sat in front of the table, feeling sober and peaceful for a long time, as if he finally woke up from a chaotic dream for several months. He looked around and suddenly saw the doctor's desk. The newspaper, the straitjacket made him unable to reach out to take the newspaper, so he could only stand up, hunched over, put it against the table, rubbed the newspaper over with his chin, then opened it with his lips pursed, and what came into view was a row of black letters Bold headline: "A large number of unqualified drugs printed and marketed by Orscher Company were seized".

"...Gotham's well-known pharmaceutical giant Orsher Company has been seized recently, shareholders and legal persons have absconded overseas with unknown whereabouts...A month ago, the jury and supervisory agencies collected enough evidence to sue Orsher Company for listing a large number of companies. Psychotropic drugs that have not passed drug supervision, these drugs have been tested and proven to cause irreversible damage to nerve cells, and users will experience hallucinations, hyperactivity, depression, etc..."

On the next page was a print of a belladonna flower, its limp branches and purple nuts swaying, and just then Jack heard a laugh.