哏儿

"It's the horns!" Yao Sheng said, "Can you speak Beijing dialect?"

"No!" Xie Shuangchen said, "Shut up! Let me tell you that our Pingping Club has always advocated Mandarin..."

"Okay." Ye Ling, who was silent at the side, suddenly muttered in Tianjin dialect, "Come back, it's almost done."

Slapping the face on the spot is the deadliest, and the audience loves it.

Xie Shuangchen finished collecting the presents and put everything backstage. The stage was cleaned up before the performance began.In front of him, he made two similar sentences with the audience, and introduced himself in a proper manner.Usually at this time, the funny ones will deliberately not introduce the flattering ones, or copy a few words for cheap.Xie Shuangchen didn't do that, he pointed at Xie Shuangchen: "This is the flower that everyone loves to see, like the pines and cypresses under the branches of snow in winter, always sharp but always full of indelible vitality. Teacher Ye Lingye!"

"It's better not to say that." Ye Ling really wanted to hit Xie Shuangchen, "Where did you learn the rainbow fart?"

Xie Shuangchen smiled and said, "Yo, do you know about rainbow farts?"

"We have internet at home." Ye Ling said indifferently, "I have been surfing the internet for more than ten years, and I'm not like you."

Xie Shuangchen pouted and looked at Ye Ling, lowered his head and played with his fingers and said, "So I have something to announce today..."

Ye Ling asked: "What's the matter?"

"Let me tell you, I've watched a lot of variety shows, read a lot of books, and studied a lot of culture recently, so I decided!" Xie Shuangchen scanned the audience with an excited and smirk, and finally landed on Ye Ling.Ye Ling said impatiently: "What did you decide to do? Stop showing off, are you going to die?"

"Decided to debut!" Xie Shuangchen finally announced the answer.

"What?" Ye Ling was a little puzzled, "Tell me about it, how can you make your debut as a cross talk talker? Oh, that's not right, haven't you already debuted in cross talk talk?"

Xie Shuangchen said: "Why am I still talking about cross talk? I want an idol artist to debut in the future, and you won't see me on this stage. If you want to see me in the future, you can see me at the Bird's Nest. You have to buy several copies for any handshake meeting and clapping meeting." Tickets for the album are drawn, and the long line goes from here to Xizhimen..."

"Don't." Ye Ling hurriedly stopped him, "I'll throw a few more at Xizhimen."

Xie Shuangchen said: "Then I can't do anything if you don't know the way."

Ye Ling said: "The road conditions in Xizhimen, if you bring two Gaode maps to it, you will lose people."

Xie Shuangchen said: "If you throw it away, then I can still care about you? I have become a popular idol at that time, do I have that free time?"

"That's fine." Ye Ling returned to the subject, "How do you want to implement your debut plan?"

Xie Shuangchen said: "Aren't there those talent show variety shows now? I was thinking that I have good talent, so I will go to participate in that."

Ye Ling said: "Then which one will you participate in?"

Xie Shuangchen slapped his chest: "Idol tutor!" His complacency was so exaggerated that everyone laughed out loud.

Ye Ling patted him on the shoulder: "He is an idol trainee! Practice!"

Xie Shuangchen said indifferently: "The remedial exercises are similar. Anyway, they all have to take the college entrance examination in the end. If they fail the exam, they are idol repeaters."

Ye Ling said: "You can't live without the nine-year compulsory education."

Xie Shuangchen corrected: "Compulsory education only goes up to junior high school, not high school."

Ye Ling said, "You do have experience."

Audience: "Hey——"

Xie Shuangchen feigned embarrassment and said, "You're the only one who went to college?"

"Otherwise?" Ye Ling was quite surprised, "My certificate is real, and I didn't buy it for 200 yuan."

"Why do I have to study so much? Delay my debut." Xie Shuangchen said, "People are all fresh meat now, and they can be seniors at the age of seventeen or eighteen. I have to hurry up."

Ye Ling said helplessly, "What are you talking about?"

Xie Shuangchen said: "Then I participated in the audition. Didn't I have to show my talents and then be assigned to a class? I saw everyone singing and dancing, so I had to highlight my uniqueness. What would I perform?" He touched Starting to think with her chin, Ye Ling asked: "What?"

"Yes!" Xie Shuangchen said, "I will perform a solo single "Persuading People"!"

"This is Taiping lyrics!" Ye Ling said.

"What's the problem?" Xie Shuangchen said, "Is there a tune? Is it sung alone? Isn't this a solo single? Don't you have internet at home? You don't even know about it?"

Ye Ling said, "I've never heard of it."

"Then I was on the platform. Once I put on the performance costume, my hair gel was as if it had been licked by a cow, and I also had eye makeup." Xie Shuangchen drew two fingers on his eyelids, "It's the kind that flies into the temples!"

"Don't come out to scare people." Ye Ling said, "They are describing the sword eyebrows flying into the temples, not the eyeliner."

"Anyway, it doesn't matter what it is." Xie Shuangchen stood upright, "I'm alone on the stage, and the mentor is below. I said I want the solo single "Persuading People"..."

Ye Ling interrupted softly: "Taiping lyrics."

Xie Shuangchen ignored it and continued, "Their applause made me start my own performance."

Ye Ling gestured: "Please start your performance."

"Okay, I'll show you a show." Xie Shuangchen cleared his throat, pointed in the air, "music!"

"Don't look for music!" Ye Ling said, "Where is there music in the lyrics of Taiping? You can just sing."

"Okay." Xie Shuangchen cleared his throat, picked up the imperial board on the table, and sang in time, "The Zhuang Gong went out to the west of the city leisurely, and saw that other man riding a horse and this one riding a donkey. Turning his neck, he saw a cart pushing a cart." A man is more than enough than the top and more than the bottom..."

After singing a song, Xie Shuangchen asked: "How about the one I sang? Does it have a stronger flavor?"

Ye Ling said: "It's quite choking, and it sounds like it was just pulled out of the soil."

"That's what you said."

This section mainly talks about the experience of the idol audition. Xie Shuangchen sang and danced on it. In this story scenario, other young artists can rap and voice, but he can’t do anything. It seems that he has fallen into a different dimension. In the final election, he lost his chance to debut because he went to the wrong set.He was very dissatisfied, so he planned to make persistent efforts.

"If you don't stay here, you have a place to stay. Why can't I make my debut?" Xie Shuangchen entered the next story scene, "I just watch the registration of various variety shows on the Internet every day, and as expected, I waited for a special one. It suits me! Really, absolutely, it can especially highlight my artistic temperament."

"What?" Ye Ling asked.

"There is no hip-hop in China!" Xie Shuangchen said.

"If you don't have hip-hop, what's your interest in participating? Are you sick?" Ye Ling corrected, "It's called China has hip-hop!"

"Well... you can say yes."

"What do you mean I said yes?" Ye Ling was very helpless, "Why is this show suitable for you again? They are engaged in rap, how can you resonate with them when you talk about cross talk?"

Xie Shuangchen said: "I have studied the history of modern Western art! Through my research, I found that Chinese cross talk is basically equivalent to American rap."

"...You said Shulaibao, I think it's a bit of a border." Ye Ling said.

"Look, did rap come from the life of the lower class people in the United States? Did cross talk come from the life of the lower class people in China? These are all art from the people." Xie Shuangchen began to list, "Rap is Doesn’t there talk and sing? Does cross talk talk and sing? You have to pay attention to rhyme in rap, don’t you pay attention to single rhyme and double rhyme, and Guankou also pay attention to these? I see that many rappers say that they play underground, ouch Hey, I can't bear to laugh, who doesn't play underground? I talk about cross talk in this small garden every day, serious underground! What else do they play solo and battle? We did it more than 100 years ago. Isn't this just stand-up and counterpart? Is it?"

"People's battle is rap attacking each other, where does the cross talk come from?" Ye Ling asked.

Xie Shuangchen said: "That's because I dare not attack you. Do you attack me less? Between you and me, you diss me unilaterally!"

Ye Ling looked at Xie Shuangchen speechlessly, and the audience burst out laughing.

"I'm wronged!" Xie Shuangchen yelled, this sentence didn't exist originally, it was his intention.

"Get lost!" Ye Ling kicked him.

"Isn't it?" Xie Shuangchen dusted off his coat, and returned to the topic after the audience finished laughing, "What other street culture is there? I don't care to laugh at them. When I performed with outsiders, I was in Beixinqiao. The SOHO Plaza in Sanlitun, at the crossroads, is a serious street. Have they sung to the street before?" Xie Shuangchen said boldly, "So, if you don't invite me to participate in this show, it is definitely not professional enough."

Ye Ling said: "It seems even more unprofessional to ask you to participate."

"I don't care." Xie Shuangchen said, "When I went to the audition, there were a lot of people in a gymnasium. I wondered if the instructor saw me and heard my name, so he couldn't just give me a big gold chain? I didn't expect to ask for a gold chain." I act."

Ye Ling asked: "Then what are you acting in?"

"These instructors really don't know Taishan with their eyes, and I'm getting angry. Even if I show my unique skills, I will scare them to death!" Xie Shuangchen said, "I took out the allegro and played a piece of "Yang Zhi Sells Knives"! "

"Are you murderous enough?" Ye Ling said, "Who are you trying to kill?"

"You don't know how to appreciate it just by looking at it. I'll teach you guys." Xie Shuangchen picked up the allegro from the table again, typed it twice casually, and said to Ye Ling, "Listen to this flow."

Ye Ling supported his forehead.

Xie Shuangchen performed a piece of "Yang Zhi Selling Knives". The Allegro was flying, the words were clear, and the rhythm was getting faster and faster, but every word could be accurately sent to the audience's ears, and the audience applauded again and again.

"Then did the tutor give you a big gold chain?" Ye Ling asked.

Xie Shuangchen sighed, and said, "No."

Ye Ling said: "I'm not surprised at all."

Xie Shuangchen quibbled: "That's because they don't know how to appreciate it! What belongs to the nation is what belongs to the world! What would they do! I am wronged and I don't accept it, I want to scold them on the Internet!"

"Don't you." Ye Ling said, "They are all big stars, can you scold them? Their fans have drowned you with their spittle."

"What you said makes sense." Xie Shuangchen rolled his eyes, "Then scold them after I become a big star."

Ye Ling said: "You are really endless. You can't make your debut even if you participate in a talent show. How can you become a star?"

"Why don't you say that Huangtian pays off those who care?" Xie Shuangchen said, "A talent scout came to me and said that he would spend tens of millions of dollars to package me up!"

"Yo, what about it?"

"Beautiful knife!"

"...All right." Ye Ling said, "How do you pack it up? Do you want to be an actor or a singer?"

"Video songs are developing in all directions!" Xie Shuangchen said, "Teacher Guang found a lot of them for me, including this talk about learning to sing..."

"Wait, wait." Ye Ling stopped Xie Shuangchen, "Why do I still sound like a cross talk?"

"What's the matter?"

"Isn't talking, learning and singing the basic homework of cross talk?"

"Did I say these four words?" Xie Shuangchen said, "I'm talking about singing, dancing, acting, etc."

Ye Ling said: "Then you continue."

This program is roughly divided into two parts. The first half is to participate in the talent show variety show, mainly combining the current hot spots, quickly bringing the audience into the story, making jokes and showing some learning singing skills in cross talk.The second half is about Xie Shuangchen’s experience in the training class. In addition to performing popular songs, many fragments of classic film and television dramas are added here to make the content richer and fuller, and to let the audience get as much as possible within the limited time. More than enough joy.

In a small sense, cross talk is a creation derived from life. In a large sense, it is a satirical and absurd comedy.In the stories expressed by cross talk, all the stories of the characters are very exaggerated, and their emotions are always full of excitement. They are clever and cheap, and make all kinds of jokes, but when you think about it carefully, they are all failures.

In this story, the "Xie Shuangchen" who pursues fame and fortune does everything he can to make his debut, to be famous, to be successful, but he doesn't understand the ecology of the so-called entertainment industry at all, and only takes it for granted, which has caused all kinds of troubles. A car rollover scene.But he was not discouraged, and he still struggled very hard, like everyone in this impetuous society.

"My debut date is set for January [-]st. At that time, I will be born wearing a star and wearing a moon, and become a new phenomenal high-quality idol!" Xie Shuangchen finished the performance and was about to enter the final part.

Ye Ling said: "Wearing the stars and wearing the moon doesn't seem to mean that, does it?"

"I mean whatever I say, I'm going to be a character, I'm going to debut at C position!" Xie Shuangchen said, "In the past, those who looked down on me and caused trouble for me, I have forgotten all about it." Black book." He chuckled, spat with his fingers and began to dig through the old accounts, "Zhang, San, Li, Siwang and Ermazi, you all think you are popular, don't you? I opened seventeen or eight Weibo accounts to blackmail them, scold them, Get angry!"

Ye Ling said: "Look at your talent."

"What's wrong with me?" Xie Shuangchen continued, "I'm happy to hate them! They stand in front of me one by one, and if they take me with them, don't they just have one? I broke the news today that Zhang San had a private meeting with a certain actress under the moon. , Tomorrow it will be revealed that Li Si has been secretly married for many years, and the day after tomorrow it will be revealed that Wang Ermazi is bullying the newcomer. I will explode..."

"You're slandering!" Ye Ling said, "They can't sue you?"

"If you want to sue, you can sue, I am speaking anonymously!" Xie Shuangchen said.

Ye Ling said: "It's the first time you are the co-author of the Internet. Now that the Internet is under the real-name system, it is not easy for you to spread rumors."

"Really?" Xie Shuangchen said suspiciously, "It doesn't matter, let's talk about it when the time comes anyway. I have to get them all, so that I can make my debut at the c position! Just watch my solo debut press conference on January [-]st , It’s really crowded, and the Internet is also very lively, my name is hotly searched, and Sina’s stock price immediately fell to the limit because of the server crash that day!”

"It's a pleasure to cooperate with you to commit crimes, isn't it?"

"I heard a group of people calling my name from a long distance." Xie Shuangchen began to learn, "Holding all kinds of hand-holding signs! Oh, I can't see the end at a glance! It says that we will give Xie Shuangchen a seat ...Hey, I can’t see it from behind, so I’ll move it.”

Ye Ling asked: "C debut?"

"Person C's funeral!"

"It deserves it!" Ye Ling flicked off his sleeves, and the two bowed, the program ended here.

There was thunderous applause.

Feng Feifei took off her make-up in the background, watched their performance, and said to Cai Xunshang: "I'll come on stage and let them come back later."

Cai Xunshang knew that Feng Feifei was going to take revenge, so he watched the excitement and said, "Okay, you can be the host."

When Feng Feifei came to the stage, Xie Shuangchen and Ye Ling just walked to the exit door, Feng Feifei raised his hand, and the two returned to the stage for the encore content.

"The program just now was specially created by Mr. Ye for our package performance some time ago. The time is tight and the task is heavy, and the pressure is great. Here, I hope everyone can applaud Mr. Ye." Xie Shuangchen took the lead in applauding, and the audience also Clapping and applauding, Ye Ling bowed to thank everyone.

Xie Shuangchen continued: "Our main purpose on stage is to amuse everyone, make jokes, and what we say is all lies. We are two elementary school students who talk about cross talk. We are young and have little ability. If we can't get there, please ask your parents Please bear with me." After that, he and Ye Ling bowed to the audience again.When they got up again, Xie Shuangchen and Ye Ling told a short story to make everyone happy, and this small encore was over.

The two left the stage, the audience was still applauding, Feng Feifei came out to stop them, and the two returned to the stage for the second scene.

Xie Shuangchen first told a joke, and then said: "Today is a very happy day. My master is Mr. Xie Fangbi, an old artist that everyone loves very much. I have learned art from my master since I was a child, but I have never said that I rely on myself when I grow up. I am ashamed to be able to save a show with the ability of the audience, mainly relying on the audience. How about this, I will sing "Dingjun Mountain" for everyone today."

He had sung this passage before, and somehow it came to mind at this very moment.

Perhaps Xie Shuangchen's heart was as excited as the libretto said, full of energy, and ready to make a big contribution.

"The Three Armies and the Lord Guiying, until tomorrow, at [-]:[-] noon, to succeed-" Xie Shuangchen sang, and Yao Sheng, who was sitting in the first row, took the lead in applauding.

There was another thunderous applause.

After returning to the third scene, Xie Shuangchen and Ye Ling were about to step down, Feng Feifei rushed up one step faster than them to stop them, asking them to continue returning.The audience cheered and applauded when they saw this meaning. A ticket worth a hundred or so yuan has to be read enough.

Generally speaking, there will be no more than three encores on the cross talk stage.But amidst Feng Feifei's malicious obstruction and the applause of the audience, Xie Shuangchen and Ye Ling's encore program ran from 10:30 to 11:30, and Xie Shuangchen was almost speechless.

"Don't you all have a home?" Xie Shuangchen cried, "Go home!"

The audience shouted: "There is no subway!"

Xie Shuangchen said, "We don't even stay here!"

Ye Ling said, "Tomorrow is the weekend, unfortunately."

"I want to listen to it later. You can come and listen anytime." Xie Shuangchen said, "I am here 360 ​​days a year, except for rest days. I am here waiting for you in wind and rain. We also have a lot of good actors backstage. I invite them to come up Bar."

He said quite a few, but in fact, there were only five people who came up so sparsely that they couldn't even stand on one stage.

Xie Shuangchen introduced everyone one by one, and it was Feng Feifei's last turn. Xie Shuangchen said, "Second Miss, will you sing a song for everyone? Be good, be obedient." Feng Feifei tormented him, and he wanted revenge.Artists like them, as long as they are requested by the audience, they will basically not refuse.No matter how unwilling Feng Feifei was, she understood this truth. The audience applauded. What else could he do?

He could only stare at Xie Shuangchen, and then sang "Listen to Mom".

"It's good." Xie Shuangchen said with a smile, "Remember to sing "In the Name of the Father" next time." He wanted to touch Ye Ling, but Ye Ling had already seen his movement, and stepped back, without any hesitation. Ask Xie Shuangchen to touch it.

Xie Shuangchen turned his head to look at Ye Ling, did not speak, and continued to touch with his arms outstretched.

Ye Ling returned.

Xie Shuangchen stretched out his arms.

Ye Ling simply ran away, Xie Shuangchen chased after him, hugged Ye Ling's waist and dragged him back behind the table.

"Hey—" the audience booed happily, "Kiss one!"

Although he was exhausted from the midnight performance, his spirits were at his peak. Under the instigation of the audience, Xie Shuangchen really got the courage to kiss Ye Ling's face.

His movements were quick and sudden, and Ye Ling didn't have time to guard against him, and when he succeeded, her face instantly turned red.

Can the audience not be happy?

"Okay, okay, let's stop making trouble." Xie Shuangchen said, "If you make trouble again, I might die on stage. Seeing that the time is almost twelve o'clock, I will sing another Beijing ditty "Looking for Lover" for everyone .”

He sang and performed at the same time, beaming at Ye Ling who was beside him.

"Which flower fell in love with you and left the little slave's house behind." Xie Shuangchen blocked himself with a handkerchief.

Ye Ling said, "You'd better die."

The hall roared with laughter, the actors on stage bowed to the audience, and the performance came to an end.