rest of life 22

Chapter 1 Revisiting the past

The dim light flickered in the rhythm of heavy metal music, and I couldn't hear anything clearly in my ears. The whole person had already integrated into the environment that could be said to be passionate, but also violent, like a chameleon. Chameleons use color, but we close ourselves in such an environment and become a part of this special environment, or, the walking dead in this special environment.

"It's your first time here, right? How do you feel?" Su Cheng asked loudly, putting his ear on my ear.He was the one who brought me to the bar, and it was my first time here.

"It's very interesting! It's a very special feeling." I responded to him loudly.However, the two of us are self-righteously loud, but in this noisy place, there is no outstanding effect that loudness can bring.Therefore, every word and every word will always be repeated.

"Oh? How about it, do you want to go to the stage and dance?" Su Cheng encouraged, although I don't know if he really heard my response clearly.However, it doesn't matter whether you can hear clearly or not, just like on weekdays, whenever you can't hear clearly, in order to express your attitude and not to embarrass yourself, you can only use words such as "uh oh?" should pass.It can be seen that in addition to expressing one's own meaning, speaking also has the purpose of showing one's own existence.As for the specific use, it can only depend on the situation.

"Huh? I can't dance." I said timidly.I am naturally introverted, and I am very reluctant to show myself in public.Or, more accurately, dare not.I'm afraid of making a fool of myself.

"It's okay, you see, they don't know how to dance, they just dance randomly with the rhythm. Come, let's go together!" He continued to encourage me, and he encouraged me with very convincing words.The people on the stage really don't have much dancing skills, and a layman like me can tell it at a glance.So, I have no reason to decline.And he wants to accompany me to dance, I can't spoil his interest, let alone show my cowardice, the so-called slapping a swollen face to pretend to be fat, sometimes for a little self-esteem, I still need to make a fool of myself.

The exciting and undulating notes convey the exciting factor, spreading this factor to every place in this bar, arousing the inner throbbing of all the people who come here for a drink.It's hard for me to 'lonely care for myself'.And when I stepped onto the stage located in the center, the shyness and timidity I used to have seemed to have met an invincible opponent, and they all left my body in desperation, and fled to a place I didn't know .I just followed the notes or twisted my body or bounced, but I didn't pay attention to those who were watching at all. Maybe the lights were a little dim.Or maybe, people always need indulgence, and people will eventually have indulgence!

"How is it? Isn't it cool?" Su Cheng held up a glass of champagne and touched me, and asked with a smile.He has already seen my straightforwardness, and he just asked the question knowingly.However, this kind of knowingly asking is very necessary. After all, the communication between human beings not only needs to convey thoughts, but also needs to exchange emotions. This communicates the role of emotion.

"It's cool! Do you come here often on weekdays?" Although I knew that he often came here, I still asked.Maybe it was hoping to get his confirmation, or maybe it was just looking for something to say.

"Yes, I come here every year after I go home. But this is the first time I bring you." He took a sip of champagne and said.

"Are you all alone on weekdays? Or, there will be a group of beautiful little sisters to accompany you?" I asked jokingly while holding the cup.

"Haha, of course, you understand!" He said, looking at me with an unusual smile.

"Oh? Then why not today? Thinking about this kind of occasion, you still need to play with a few little sisters to enjoy yourself!" I joked.

"I'm not afraid of your embarrassment! But I contacted you this afternoon. I don't know if there is something really wrong, but I can't come." He replied seriously.

"What about Zhang Jing, do you still have contact?" I brought up the old things, the old things six years ago, and the absurd old things related to us.

"Hmm! I'm not sure, but there is a connection. Are you hungry? How about we go out to barbecue and drink and chat?" He obviously saw my interest in talking about old things, and also saw that I was in this noisy environment Very uncomfortable in the middle of the conversation.

"Okay! It's too noisy here, I can't talk." Naturally, it is impossible for me to refuse his understanding.Moreover, after bouncing and dancing a few times, my stomach was already rumbling.At this time, it is definitely the most wonderful thing in the world to be accompanied by someone to eat and drink.

The outside world is very quiet, even if cars pass by slowly, even if most of these cars are honking, even if there are waves of pedestrians on the road, even if they are talking and laughing.It's like two worlds, although they are so close to each other.And the beauty of this is that I can feel the different atmospheres of the two worlds at the same time.

The nearby barbecue places can only be described as smoky. I can say with certainty that the food here is not up to the healthy standard.However, this is obviously unhealthy, and it doesn't affect my mood of wanting to grill skewers, drink and chat with him.Of course, there are many people who have the same or similar interests as us. Although it is a big night, there is no feeling of loneliness here.Perhaps these feelings were dissipated by the sound of laughing, yelling, and the sound of wine bottles colliding the moment they were born!

"What do you mean by 'unclear'?" I picked up a bottle of beer, touched him, and continued to ask.

"Well...how should I put it? You know, a man will fall in love with many women in his life, or at least be interested in many women. She can be regarded as one of these many women." He said in a slightly deep voice, maybe it involved a person's view of love, what he said was very serious.

"It is true that a man will be interested in many women in his life. However, when it comes to love, it is different. There is always a difference. Alas! However, it is hard to say, what is love? No one can give it an accurate definition." I thought a lot for a while, remembering the entanglement with this most basic and most difficult social relationship in my daily life.

"Life must be enriched. Perhaps in this enriching process, we can find what we are looking for. After all, some seemingly unanswerable questions are not a problem in themselves. What is love? In the final analysis, love is love. What is shown is good love and concubine, raising eyebrows, and bad, with a touch of violent aesthetics. It is undeniable that these are expressions of love. In short, I love women, It's fine for a woman to love me, isn't it wonderful?" After finishing the last sentence, he seemed to be relieved, picked up the wine bottle and drank most of it in one go.I have to say that this is really a unique insight, and I have no way to refute it.

"People really should live a richer life. At least when they are older, they can still have these rich memories. They can also talk before and after tea and dinner. It can relieve boredom. For example, go to the bar with you tonight Well, this is a pretty good memory!" I responded with a smile, picked up the bottle and had sex with him.I don't know if his words are correct, and I don't know if there is a correct view on men and women in this world. I can only paralyze myself with the existence that is reasonable, and then influence each other. As for not distinguishing between right and wrong, I just follow my feelings gone.And the feeling is that men love women, and I am nothing more than that.Although it's very clichéd, it's a natural truth, and I can't do anything about it.

"I haven't seen her for a long time. In the past six years, has she grown more beautiful?" I was very concerned about her situation, not because I was interested in her, but because his relationship with her had a lot to do with me. big relationship.But I don't have the ability of a matchmaker to make a bridge, nor do I have that kind of awareness.I did an extremely important thing to confess to a girl in that era, a most romantic thing that should have been done by the person concerned, writing a love letter.Maybe it was because I was young at the time, so it was my duty to stab a friend, not to mention it was a lifelong event for my best buddy.So, I don't care about whether I love it or not, it's really insincere.Fortunately, I still have a good writing style. Under the extreme exaggeration, a love letter shows the love words to the fullest.So, they are together.I was very complacent about my love letter, but now that I think about it, it was because their husband had a concubine and was just short of an introduction, not because of my writing style, maybe I wrote a few words casually at that time, or went up to meet her directly. Confession, the effect is the same as I racked my brains to write a love letter!

"Well, she is taller now, more than 1.7 meters. She is a bit thin. She is very quiet and doesn't talk much on weekdays, which is about the same as when she was in school. I saw her once last year, and we lived together at night, but Didn't do anything, stopped at the last minute. She cried!" He answered my question, but it was a bit long and a bit out of the scope of the question.He probably remembered that night, the two of us drank another bottle of wine.

I couldn't help fantasizing about their situation at that time, guessing their thoughts and feelings at that time.What a romantic but struggling night it was!Perhaps, it is more of a torment.

"Then, are you still in that relationship now?" I couldn't help asking this question, a relatively private question.It's a bit gossip, but I still can't help but want to know.Maybe it's because I have participated in it, or it may involve my good friends, or maybe, there is a bit of gossip in my nature!

"I don't know, let's stay away! It seems to be, and it doesn't seem to be. I didn't say it clearly. It's a very ambiguous relationship. I don't know if I should be like this. Maybe she also feels it, but I can't tell the relationship clearly. .” He spoke slowly, as if he was trying his best to express this situation with perfect words.

"That's it, it's really strange. What do you think? I think she still loves you." I followed his words and continued to ask.

"I don't know, my mind is messed up. I know it's very irresponsible for her, but at this age, I can't take any responsibility myself, so how dare I just skip the so-called result! Besides, you I also know me, I don't like the life of being restrained by others, although the life of drunkenness and dreaming is not right, but I still want to try it." He was a little excited, and he wanted to do everything possible to explain his inner thoughts and explain himself That's a hard idea to understand and a hard idea to accept.Yes, who doesn't want to have a stable and comfortable life? However, at a certain moment, or longer, at certain years, someone may want to pursue that unknown excitement.

"Hey! This may be the thinking of many young people. I am very similar to you in this point. I have thought about this too. Although I am a bit selfish and self-righteous, after all, people need some time to live for themselves Yes, even if it’s for some interesting memories in the future.” I sighed, because I thought there was nothing wrong with what he said, but I couldn’t resolve his conflict. This is a knot, a single choice about responsibility and freedom .I don't know what I should choose. At this moment, like him, I am caught in such a contradiction, but his choice is in the present, while my choice is in the future.

"Have you asked her?" I continued to ask unwillingly, maybe his previous answer aroused my curiosity about solving this problem, and I hoped to get an answer or some enlightenment from other aspects.

"It's a question! It's more tactful. That night, I asked her about her plans and expectations for the future. She told me that she hopes to marry someone she likes, who can give her a sense of security and make her feel safe. A peaceful life. She wants to have two children, a boy and a girl, preferably when she and her lover are at their healthiest, about 27 or [-], and they can give birth. She is like a child, with her eyes wide open , with a small mouth, carefully sketching out the future, warm and peaceful. It’s hard to describe my feeling at that time, helpless, or bitter! I don’t know what to do, how to respond to her, or even How should I face her."

He picked up another bottle of beer, touched it with me, and drank it down in one gulp.It seems to be using wine to wash away the bitter taste in my heart.I don't know how to persuade him, or how to persuade him not to continue drinking, and even I think it is right to drink a bottle of wine in this way at this time, so I can only accompany him.

"What about you, how are you doing now? In the image, you, a nerd, didn't even drink alcohol before. Seeing that you drink a lot now, it seems that you have changed a lot! I still remember when we took the exam, You pass the answer to me by gesturing with your fingers, and ABCD is replaced by one, two, three, four and your fingers. In fact, I should have thought a long time ago that you are not just a nerd, otherwise how would you think of passing the answer in this way? Yes, you not only helped me write love letters, but also helped me write several self-criticisms. I remember that once I was praised by the teacher because you wrote a more profound self-criticism. Looking back now, I feel that we were still It's very funny, and some things are ridiculous when you think about it. By the way, you used to blush when you saw a beautiful girl and stammered when you saw a beautiful girl. This problem of yours should be corrected now, right?" He smiled and talked about the past. Talk and make fun of me.The haze of the previous love seemed to disappear in an instant, and it was diluted by this nostalgic and interesting event.

Indeed, these interesting things in memory are like vinegar or soy sauce. Although if you don't eat it, there will be no major problems with your body, but it will end up lacking a lot of flavor.They are like such flavoring agents, which add color and fragrance to life and are indispensable.

"Do you still remember these things? I also think about them from time to time. Every time I think about them, the monotonous life will not feel boring in an instant. I am naturally not a nerd. Oh, there will also be deeper insights in the cognition of things. Although I haven’t read so many books, it’s not too rare after all. The lack of understanding is just that I don’t show it on weekdays, or I don’t have the opportunity to show it! But it’s true that I blush when I see a beautiful girl, and I don’t know what’s going on. There is always a feeling of shame. Maybe it’s embarrassment because you want to express yourself but can’t show it, or maybe it’s a common problem of so-called nerds like us, who can only be dumbfounded when we see beautiful women! Haha!” I laughed Then, making self-righteous jokes in front of friends in a self-deprecating and narcissistic way.And the joke worked as it should, and he laughed too.As a result, we all returned to the true nature of carefree and heroic men. The initial desolation caused by those touching topics disappeared without a trace in an instant.

"You boy, really! It's just the two of us tonight. Tell me honestly. I don't believe your so-called hard heart at that time. Even if you pretend to be a gentleman, you can It's the so-called real gentleman, he must tremble in his heart when facing a woman!" He stared straight at me, and asked this question that I always only answered with one word.

"Didn't I say that! I have a heart of stone, I don't hear anything out of the window, and I only read the books of sages. What's more, the ancients said that there is a golden house in the book, and there is Yan Ruyu in the book. The woman I want, the book I don’t want to look for others!” I answered him as usual, and the answer was very smooth, because I have said these words countless times, and they have almost become a symbol of me. answered.However, he obviously wanted to hear a different answer from me than usual.He stared at me with a half-smile, his two eyes rolled around, and the corners of his mouth turned up, obviously he didn't believe me, and he wanted to use a silent way, with his eyes facing mine, so that I can't contain myself in my own lies.I finally couldn't resist his offensive, so I had to give in.

"Oh! Really, let me bring up something sad again. I'm going to say it, but I have to be completely drunk again, and you have to be responsible for sending me back." I took a sip of wine, which is considered courageous, after all, I am I never said anything that was buried deep in my heart.This is something I don't want to say, or more frankly, it's something I dare not say!

"If there is one I liked, it would probably be He Zixin!" I finally said it, but I only said a name, a name he also knew, but he couldn't connect it with me.

We drank until two o'clock that night.I don't know how much I drank, but I was already staggering, and he supported me, fulfilling the promise to send me back.And he did fulfill his mission perfectly.From this point of view, his alcohol capacity is indeed much better than mine.We were walking on the street, under the dim street lights, the road was not very clear, especially in the half-drunk and half-awake state, it seemed that the whole world had stopped, I was immersed in a dim dream, and there was only silence , and that endless loneliness.