Don't be sad behind my back

--sleep--

On Saturday morning, there is a half-hour recess, no running exercises.

The snow on the runway was swept away and piled on the green grass on the inside.

Cheng Xiao and Han Yi walked around the track.

"Has that nightmare been for a long time?" Cheng Xiao asked softly.

"Hmm..." Han Yi didn't evade, and said calmly, "It seems... I often dreamed of it when I was in elementary school."

"Do you dream of anything else?"

"Ah."

"It's all very..."

"Yes."

In the brief silence, the cold wind whistled in my ears.

Han Yi said slowly, "Do you want to ask why you dreamed about those things..."

Cheng Xiao didn't say a word, and after a while, he said "hmm".

Han Yi smiled lightly, and Cheng Xiao saw the bitterness and pain inside.

He took Han Yi's hand and pulled it into his pocket.

"Because those were my childhood..."

Cheng Xiao couldn't help tightening the hand holding Han Yi, frowning, and looked down at the white line on the runway.

"I... thought I could forget it, as long as I couldn't remember it, I was free... But at night, when I fell asleep, those things would slip into my dreams."

"So those... are all true? I'm going to hit you with an iron rod... grab your head and hit the wall... and... take a knife..."

After a long time, Han Yi responded.

"Ah."

Cheng Xiao was dumbfounded, feeling the blood flow back into his heart, his body became uncontrollably stiff and cold.

This was the first time he knew that his biological father could be so cruel to his children.

Cheng Xiao grew up in a very good environment, or he was well protected by his family. He knew that some people would be unhappy, and not all families were harmonious and warm. Domestic violence seemed to be far away from him. He only knew that it was something bad. I have never really seen it, and my cognition is only on the surface.

When these realities happen around you, it will appear even more shocking and incomprehensible.

This is also the reason why Han Yi never revealed his misfortune. He could vent and tell Cheng Xiao that Cheng Xiao would let him get some relief, but he didn't do it.

Why let a healthy and happy person who lives in happiness go to see a festering and smelly ruin.

Living at the bottom of the society, there is always a wall and a ditch between me and a family like Cheng Xiao.

Han Yi would be very lucky, so that Cheng Xiao would not be able to see the world he grew up in.

"you……"

Cheng Xiao wanted to say "your father" or "your father", which are the most familiar and affectionate words to him, but in the end he said:

"he."

Han Yi may not be willing, such a person is his father or father.Moreover, Han Yi would never call him that, the only time he called it was jerky and forced.

"He... why did he..."

Han Yi shook his head: "I don't remember clearly. When I was young, I was very afraid of him. I didn't dare to do anything, so I hid in the room. When he came back from drinking, he often dragged me out to beat me."

"I was young at the time, and I only knew that I was beaten. I can't remember what he said. It seemed that he got angry when he saw me and kept scolding me."

Han Yi sighed softly, and turned to look at Cheng Xiao.

"sorry."

"No."

Cheng Xiao's voice was trembling, and he seemed to be choked up, and he refused while Han Yi apologized.

He stopped and grabbed Han Yi.

He saw the sadness and remorse in his eyes, and even trembled while holding his hand, but he held it tightly, the fiery temperature seemed to melt his cold shell.

Han Yi didn't want Cheng Xiao to have such an expression, he would feel distressed.

He tried to smile: "Don't show such an expression, I will blame myself."

Laugh as if crying.

Cheng Xiao didn't respond.

Those eyes made his heart ache.

But he still smiled: "I regret telling you."

"I still can't bear to let you become unhappy because of me."

Cheng Xiao lowered his head, took a deep breath, and could even see the rise and fall of his chest.

A gust of wind swept by, Cheng Xiao raised his head, the hair on his forehead was lifted, and the scorching sun was shining brightly, illuminating Cheng Xiao's face.

Han Yi saw again, those clear and bright eyes like mountain forest spring water, a beam of light fell on them, the sparkling waves were like a river of stars, and there was a person reflected in them, it was him.

"Didn't I say that..." Cheng Xiao's voice was gentle and deep, a unique voice that can only be had if it is wrapped in strong love: "Don't be sad behind my back."

"In this way, I will be more unhappy and feel more uncomfortable. Baby, I am your boyfriend, you can vent to me, talk to me, and even show any emotions to me."

Cheng Xiao stepped forward, the hand that was holding Han Yi did not let go, and the other hand held Han Yi's profile.

"Baby, please rely on me a little bit more, you are not alone anymore, don't keep me behind, let's face it together, okay?"

This kind of Cheng Xiao gives people an incomparable sense of security and dependence, like a deep ocean, which makes people indulge. Once they fall into it, it is difficult to get out.

He choked up and asked, "Why... make you also..."

"Because I love you very much, really love you."

"I want to fill those gaps, I want to be with you for the first time when you are afraid, and I want to accompany you to overcome those things you are avoiding."

Every time Cheng Xiao looks like this, Han Yi will be shaken.

But he is not a selfish person, he is unwilling to drag Cheng Xiao in.

He even thought that if his parents found out about his relationship with Cheng Xiao, they would definitely not let Cheng Xiao go. Cheng Xiao would be scolded and even beaten. His parents did not treat him like this, but they would suffer because of others. Once encountered, how could Han Yi be willing.

It doesn't matter if my leg is broken, but Cheng Xiao will be implicated, and even Cheng Xiao's parents will be affected.

However, Cheng Xiao always told him repeatedly that he loved him very much, that he was worthy of being loved, and that he could rely on him.

Whenever he wanted to back down, Cheng Xiao would approach carefully, stretch out his hand, and wait patiently for him to come out.

Cheng Xiao knew that if he was not careful, Han Yi would hide even deeper, so he didn't want to come out by himself, hiding under the chassis of the car like a frightened stray cat.

If he escaped like him and only knew how to joke around all day long, then Han Yi would never be able to get out and would be tortured for the rest of his life.

"I know, Cheng Xiao..." Han Yi said tremblingly, "But...Cheng Xiao...I don't want you to be with me..."

He didn't want Cheng Xiao to suffer with him.

Cheng Xiao was stunned: "What..."

Han Yi withdrew the hand that was held by Cheng Xiao, he took a step back, and Cheng Xiao's hands were empty.

Han Yi's retreat happened to retreat into the shadow of the building.

The boundary line between time and time runs across the two.

A bad premonition enveloped Cheng Xiao's heart.

Han Yi didn't seem to be standing in the shadows, but in the darkness.

I can't see that familiar face more and more clearly, and he is getting farther and farther away.

"Han Yi...don't..."

Cheng Xiao has never been so flustered and frightened. Han Yi's eyes, which seemed to have been weathered by the wind and snow, were clearly affectionate and in love at this moment, but it seemed that there was more than that, and there was reluctance and despair in it.

"Cheng Xiao..." Han Yi seemed to be extremely tired, and his voice was so soft that it seemed that the wind would blow away: "I'm sorry..."

The gap between me and Cheng Xiao is doomed by nature, Cheng Xiao should be with someone like Cheng Xiao, they are compatible and complete, will be happy every day, have no worries, and will get blessings from relatives and friends.

You will not worry about the pain of the other half, you will not see the bitterness and suffering at the bottom, and you will not bear the heavy burden you will bring in the future.

He is so kind, sunny, and beautiful.

It was cruel to be unhappy with someone like myself.

Before Han Yi finished speaking, Cheng Xiao stepped forward and grabbed Han Yi's shoulder, angrily and puzzled: "Don't be sorry!"

This is the first time Cheng Xiao has shown such hostility in front of Han Yi, because Han Yi wants to give up, let go, and hide in the dark world alone.

But soon, Cheng Xiao became sad again, almost crying, her voice trembling intermittently because of the pain in her heart: "Don't be sorry...it was fine before...I know you don't want to mention that, I know you are avoiding, I know what you're afraid of..."

"I have been waiting...waiting for you to get better...three years, five years, ten years and 20 years, I will wait...my parents, they like you very much, they support us both, your parents Over there, there must be a way... I like you very much... I like you like crazy... You can do whatever you want... But I really... I really don't want you to face those things by yourself... I can't bear you Having nightmares...I hate that you are sick and no one cares about you...I hate that you live in the past every day and cannot get out...I hate that you are always alone..."

Cheng Xiao felt pain in his eye sockets, he pressed his forehead against Han Yi's shoulder, and looked down at the ground getting wet little by little.

He couldn't see Han Yi's face, he only knew that Han Yi was shaking violently, as if he was struggling fiercely in his heart.

The cold wind blowing on the faces of the two seemed to be colder than before, and the piercing pain on their faces could even be engraved in their hearts.

At noon, both of them went back to the dormitory without eating.

For the first time they slept in their own beds.

Until after school, the two said to each other: "Goodbye." Then there was no more.

Han Yi returned home, the house was dark, he didn't stop, went straight into the bedroom, and locked the door.

He leaned against the door, as usual, in a daze for a long time, when he realized that there was no one at home, he staggered and fell on the bed.

Wen Shan has to work overtime and has to visit grandma.Han Teng was nowhere to be seen.

That's fine, just by myself.

Han Yi felt very tired, even tired to breathe.

He stared straight at the dark ceiling, with tears streaming from the corners of his eyes, but he didn't have any expression, and even his breathing was very steady, like a puppet.

Han Yi seemed to be dead, killed by himself.

Cheng Xiao is the meaning of Han Yi's existence, the composition of his life, and the sustenance of all his emotions. Now that he is gone, he pushed him away.

The result was doomed early in the morning, but you still have to be greedy, the price is really too high.

He couldn't say why they broke up suddenly.Those memories and instincts engraved in his bones seemed to be manipulating him. Whenever he ignited a little bit of hope, he would be extinguished, followed by a cold slap in the face, and the culprit was actually himself.

After a long time, he got up, and the room was dark, only a few rays of warm yellow light scattered by the window, which were street lamps on the side of the street.

The faint bluish halo became the only temperature in the dark and cold.

Han Yi wanted to jump in again.

He came back to his senses suddenly, and saw the two wet marks on the bed sheet clearly by light, and he looked at it for a long time without blinking his eyes, like a sculpture, so absorbed that he was still crying and didn't know it.

Until I went to the bathroom to take a shower and saw myself in the mirror, my face was full of tears, the corners of my eyes were still dripping with tears, my eyes were bloodshot, and my eye sockets were red. Apart from these, my face was the same as usual.

Han Yi no longer thought about what happened today, his mind went blank, but he was still sad.

Why are you still crying when you don't think about anything, Han Yi asked himself.

When he took off his shirt, the bracelet hanging on his wrist appeared in front of his eyes.Clear and pure ice blue, my favorite color, also resembles Cheng Xiao very much.

Han Yi took it off carefully, wiped the gemstone carefully with cloth, checked it under the light for a long time, for fear of missing any details, and finally put it back into the small black velvet box gently, hiding him in the Deepest drawer.

There was ice-cold water in the shower, Han Yi didn't avoid it, he just stood inside and waited until the water was hot before moving.

He was a little dizzy from being wrapped in the hot air, and it even became difficult to breathe. He didn't take it seriously, thinking it was because he had been washing for too long.

He didn't notice that his hands had already started to tremble violently, as if he had lost all strength, and he couldn't even hold the bottle of shower gel.

He turned on the shower and rinsed it off in a hurry, just as if he was too tired, but he was flustered what was going on.

Where he couldn't see, the water was quietly taking away the cold sweat on his back.

Han Yi leaned on the tiled wall and tried to squat down slowly, but then his vision went dark and he lost consciousness.

Cheng Xiao looked at the WeChat chat box, but didn't type a word for a long time.

He will go to the competition starting next week, and he will go for a whole week. This is the qualification he got to play after training hard. There are two places in the second grade of high school.

He originally wanted to wait until Saturday to tell Han Yi, and then say goodbye to him. He didn't want to tell Han Yi too early, because if he told Han Yi early in the morning that he was leaving for a week, Han Yi would be depressed many days in advance, and he couldn't bear it.

Wait until you don't even have a chance to speak.

Everything that happened in the half hour in the morning flooded into Cheng Xiao's mind like a flood and tsunami, and the strong impact hit Cheng Xiao's heart accurately time after time.

Cheng Xiao couldn't stop crying, the empty house allowed him to cry and roar heartbreakingly.

Desperate, desolate, sad, desolate.

For a long time, he sat on the ground with his back against the bed, with one leg bent, his arms on his knees, his forehead hanging on his forearms, and the sunflower photo frame beside him.

At ten o'clock in the evening, a drunk man took out the keys in his pocket, took out a keyhole facing the door, and couldn't insert it for a long time. He cursed, changed another one and continued, but it still didn't fit.

He smashed the key to the ground, stepped on it again and again, shouted and cursed, the sensor lights in the corridor lit up several floors in a row, he raised his hand and slapped the door dead, "Open the door!!"

No one responded.

He raised his foot and kicked it more than ten times, but still no one responded, so he took out his mobile phone.

"Hey! Where the hell are you?! Quickly open the fucking door! Are you fucking dead?! Ah?! Go outside! Your mother is fucking crazy, go to hell!!"

The man threw away the phone, kicked and kicked the door a dozen times as if to relieve his hatred, and finally stopped when he was tired.

On the other side of the door, in the house where you can't see your fingers, only the bathroom is lit with warm lights, and the shower is spraying hot water all the time. The young man was pink from the heat, but his pale lips were shocking.

Under this soft warm light, the fragrance of the shower gel permeated the surroundings, as if it could soothe the nerves. The young man lay in a pool of warmth, with fine water silk woven into silk covering his waist, his expression was peaceful and peaceful, as if he had slept forever.