he can't see our ears

Three days later, I returned to my home.

It's been a long time since I left home, but when I came back, I felt like a lifetime away.

I have lived in this house since I was a child, and it is the house left by my mother.Although it has been renovated, it still retains the memories of my childhood.

The memories had faded quite a bit, but now they all came back.

But the memories that come back are all changed, not the same as before.

The first thing I do when I get home is to go to the bathroom to wash my hands. When I saw the shower head next to me, I remembered that when I was a child, my mother worked the night shift and my elder brother helped me take a bath.

My elder brother is very good at taking care of children and never fools me. He will test the temperature before washing me with water. When shampooing, he will pay attention not to let it flow into my eyes. He is also very serious about rinsing the foam, and he will help me carefully after washing. Dry off and let me get dressed quickly so I don't catch a cold.

Generally speaking, it is a warm and slightly embarrassing memory.But it's different now, I know what my brother was thinking at the time.He was thinking of turning the hot water to the hottest and pouring it on my head.

I don’t know why he didn’t do this, is it because of reason, or because he doesn’t hate me that much, or because the highest water temperature of the water heater will not be too hot, it will only make me hurt, it won’t kill me, and it won’t water me Fortunately, it can't be done once and for all, but it will be more troublesome.

When I am sitting on the sofa, facing the TV that is not turned on, I will think of rolling around on the sofa when I was a child, asking my elder brother to show me cartoons.The eldest brother was responsive, he found a good channel for me, gave me the remote control, and then walked away, letting me watch it to my heart's content.Even my mother would not let me watch cartoons so freely.

What a warm memory it used to be, but it is different now.I am the only one who is happy, my eldest brother is not happy, he doesn't want to stay on the sofa, he just feels bored.

After I got home, I had no appetite and didn't want to eat.Everything in the refrigerator is useless, and ordering takeaway is no fun.

I don't want to put anything in my mouth, down my throat.

Out of common sense, I will force myself to eat, but as long as I open my mouth and put something in, no matter what I eat, I will feel sweet, like sugar cubes and jelly.

I would hallucinate white pearly balls of sugar rolling from my tongue to my throat.

In this way, I lay in a trance for several days, forcing myself to eat in order to live normally.

I have to get on with my life, I have to find a job again, I have to get back into shape...but it's not easy.

Every day I dream of the black reef beach, and the black things in the crevices of the reef reflect the moonlight and flow slowly towards me.

I used to despise things like "dreams".There are often such plots in film and television dramas: a person wakes up from a nightmare, screams, panting, and needs relatives or lovers around him to comfort him for a long time... I have also had nightmares, and I don’t think it’s like this in real life. In reality, the nightmare dissipated as soon as I woke up, and I felt lingering fear, but it didn't have that exaggerated stamina.

Now I know it's great.

It's not quite right to call it a nightmare... Is it really a dream?

Because of the black reef beach every night, I couldn't get anything done during the day.

I should go for a walk, check with my friends to make sure I'm safe, look for a new job, fix my resume...but I can't do it.I can't concentrate.

Hmm...it's hard to describe. "Inability to concentrate", this does not refer to the feeling of being playful and distracted in class when I was a child. It is not that I cannot maintain concentration, but that once I focus on something, my brain will forcibly call out the black reef beach. Eyes will automatically play those flowing objects.

The rocky beach does not seem to be a memory, it is not the same picture that is played repeatedly in the mind...they seem to be changing in real time.

Every time I see them, the flowing things change positions and get closer and closer to me.

There are ways to avoid this state: I have to be distracted, do nothing, empty my mind, keep doing meaningless things, watching meaningless things, and constantly being distracted by fragmented things... Only in this way can I avoid them.

I seem to have become a telescope.I was fixed at a certain angle and couldn't look away.

The Black Reef is just ahead, and once I focus, I must see it, so I can't "focus".I can only remain vague.

Why, am I sick?Why do you get sick?Is my choice wrong?

Shouldn't I just give up looking for those things?Is it pointless to run away home, can't save me?

Just like my elder brother ran away from me, I also ran away from my elder brother...but my life did not return to the right track, but became more and more unbearable.

Was it because something didn't let me go, or was it just my own spiritual reasons?

======================

About a month after returning home, Black Reef Beach changed.

I seemed to be sleeping at the time.Now I don't have a fixed sleep time, I wake up when I can, and I will automatically start to doze off when I can't stand the sleepiness.I don't go to sleep on purpose, and I don't force myself to wake up. Anyway, I don't go out every day, I only force myself to eat very little food, I rarely need to get up, and I don't have accidents due to sleepiness.

Anyway, I was on the couch with my head on the cushions, lying on my side with my legs still under the couch.

I saw Black Reef Beach again.The tide was so high that it submerged most of the reefs, leaving only a few here and there of the tallest stones.

This way I can't see the crevices in the reef, is there still something flowing in the crevices?Are they back in the deep sea?Or did it come up with the tide?

The vision lying on the sofa is not very good, and I can't see very far away.I wanted to stand up and look, but a force weighed on my shoulders.

To be precise, it is a little below the shoulders and high on the upper arms. Every time my elder brother pats this place, I coax me to sleep.

Through the shirt, I can feel the temperature of my skin, but there is no one in front of me, no one in my peripheral vision, only my living room and the sea water in front of me.

Then this person should be behind me.

The elder brother's voice came from behind: "Don't look back."

I do not watch.

There was a slight sigh in his tone: "You are always like this, you always like to look back and look back at unnecessary things."

Yes, that's right.

I shouldn't be looking at the clutter of his teenage years, the diaries.On the highway, I shouldn't look back at him either.

At this time, I realized one thing. My elder brother could not speak before, and he could only breathe out through his throat. How can I hear him speak normally again now?Is this a dream?

The elder brother said, "It's not a dream. Or put it this way, what do you think is a dream?"

A dream is a dream, it means that the brain is active when you are asleep.

"So when you're awake, your brain doesn't work?"

Of course it's also active...

"You are thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable, happy, it is the brain that is active. You eat, are full, stumble, and hurt. Who told you these feelings? It is your brain, which is active and gives feedback to You. If your brain is inactive, you don’t see, you don’t feel, you don’t make out anything, the whole world disappears, so to speak.”

What is this talking about, is it about idealism or something?When I close my eyes, the world doesn't exist anymore... I seem to have learned a little bit when I was a child.

"No, I didn't say that. Of course the world exists, and everything you see exists. But don't the so-called dreams exist?"

So what are dreams?

"Actually, there is no dream. The word dream is like 'ghost'."

ghost?What do you mean, I don't understand...

"Of course the kind of 'ghost' referred to in superstition does not exist. The 'ghost' I mentioned is a general term, a general term that has been passed down from ancient times to the present. In short, it refers to things that people do not understand or see clearly .Hey, did you like to read books about mysterious events when you were a child?"

Now I like to watch it too, but nothing interesting to watch.

"There is a point of view in those books, saying that 'spiritual events' actually exist, but they don't necessarily refer to specific demons and ghosts, but some phenomena that people don't understand for the time being. A long time ago, primitive people may not understand flames , also don't understand thunder and lightning, solar eclipse, shooting star... For them, those are supernatural. Now it's the same, you don't understand, that's supernatural. Then there's 'ghost', people use this word to name some Phenomena, but this word cannot reveal the essence of the phenomenon. Look, am I like a 'ghost' now?"

Yes.Because I'm sober, I thought it was a little funny... Now my elder brother really looks like a "ghost", and what I'm going through is like the so-called "ghost press" in ghost stories.

"You see. So 'Dream' is the same."

It seems that I understand a little bit...

"Although 'dream' is a misconception, let's just pretend it exists. I don't know what to call this feeling... It's a good thing that you can recognize dreams. After all, you are not a child anymore."

Speaking of children, I remembered some things from my childhood... My body gradually became stiff, and there were many things I wanted to ask my elder brother, but I didn't dare to ask.

I seem to have asked.He also answered me.

"Oh, yes, that's right. I do hate you."

Ok, I know……

"Actually, it's not just you. Everything in this family disgusts me. It's very repulsive. But I was young and ignorant at the time. I thought you were different from other things. I thought that if you want to hate something, you must hate it." There's no point in hating on one particular character...that's you. That's why I've always hated you."

Do you hate mom too?

"No, no, I don't hate her. She's my mother."

Then why do you hate our home?

"Maybe it's an instinct. You've read my diary, right? Well, I'm a little embarrassed. It's really unnecessary to think about it now. It's my fault. I was naive at the time and couldn't figure out what I really thought. You can only fall into low-level emotions. This low-level emotion turns into disgust for you, and it is a very clichéd kind of disgust."

I don't understand... Then, do you still hate me now?

Looking at the tone of the elder brother, I thought he would answer "I don't hate it anymore", because there is really such a sign in his words... But he said:

"I hate you very much. I hope you are unhappy and suffer more."