are you a clown

At four o'clock in the afternoon, Lin Chensan was the only one left in the second-hand bookstore.

It was a little different from when she came here, the bouquet in her arms was changed from perfume lilies to anemones, and there was also a woolen beret on her head.

Both the anemone and the beret originally belonged to Erjiasi.

Er Jiasi had just left, and the warmth of the other party's lips still remained on her forehead. Touching the beret on top of her head, Lin Chensan took a book from the shelf from memory, which was also a primary school Chinese textbook, and Lin Chensan The book Jian Wu took was different from the first volume of the fourth grade of elementary school. What she took was the second volume of the fourth grade of elementary school.

Lin Chensan took this book, not for any particular reason.Simply because she first learned the meaning of the word 'beret' from a text in this book: "The Blue Helmets".She suddenly remembered such a thing, and there happened to be this book on the shelf within reach, that's all.

The uniform dress code of the UN peacekeeping force requires wearing a blue helmet or blue beret.At that time, the note was in the lower corner of the book, and she took the dictionary to look up the meaning of the word.

The blue helmet symbolizes peace.

So, what does it mean that Er Jiasi gave this beret to himself?Nothing is represented.Lin Chensan also knew.

The 'Girl's Tea Party' was over, just like waving goodbye to her, Er Jiasi just took off her hat to commemorate her.That's it.

There are not so many metaphors, insinuations, and undertones in normal and ordinary life.

This time the crocodile couldn't shed tears either, feeling a little sympathetic, after reading the catalog but not looking for the specific page numbers, Lin Chensan closed the book and put it back on the shelf.

"How's your chat with Er Jia Si?" The air that had just returned to silence suddenly stirred up and produced ripples, and Lin Jian Wu properly filled the position of Er Jia Si who had just left, with the cold air outside on his body.

The timing was so well grasped, if Lin Chensan hadn't known that Lin Jianwu had left with Ma Tiantian earlier, she would have thought that Lin Jianwu had been eavesdropping outside the door to keep watch for the past two hours.

"Very good." Lin Chensan answered quickly.

"I won't praise you for saying such things against my will. However, I am very happy that you can say that. Sansan. I have long wanted to tell you something about me before. It's just a pity, I I need to let you know me better through Erjiasi..." Lin Jianwu really wanted to continue, but she always felt that this was not her own way of doing things, and felt very awkward.

Lin Chensan noticed it. She grabbed Lin Jianwu's clothes and looked down at the other person's waistline: "I've never seen a person like you before. Lin Jianwu. I never believed this There will be people who are unconditionally good to others. Er Jiasi said that you are an exquisite egoist, but... I don’t think there is anything wrong with being self-interested. It is nothing more than the difference between long-sightedness and short-sightedness. Altruistic ... that's what I think, and most people like you are."

"The real egoists you mean, do you mean me? What do you mean by saying that most of them are like this?" Lin Jianwu didn't seem surprised at Lin Chensan's words, and his tone was normal.

"It can't be so simple, you are a really good person, at least to me. Mostly, I mean, most people who have clear goals to pursue don't invest too much time emotionally."

"Why? Do you think that having a clear goal to pursue will delay your normal life, and you won't even have time for your lover?"

"Yes, that's what I think. Lin Jianwu, I don't care whether I have dreams or goals. But I know that if people like me have clear goals and dreams, it must be A very scary thing. Because that may be the only meaning in my life. A day is 24 hours, sleep is assumed to be eight hours, and it takes a lot of time to eat and go to the toilet, which also includes distraction, Insufficient energy, interpersonal relationships, force majeure factors. Really counting, the time that can be completely controlled by humans in 24 hours a day is really very little. Sometimes I even think that human beings have evolved six thousand years. 500 million years, but why do we still need to eat and sleep like other creatures, and also need to ensure a certain amount of mental health...Eating and sleeping are already a waste of time, and random thinking every day has no practical effect, and it is even more of a waste of time. In this way, even if a person lives for 100 years, it can really be used in pursuit of dreams and goals, and 20 years of life will be breakthrough." Lin Chensan wanted to say something more intense, but she remembered again, She has not expressed herself so fiercely in front of Lin Jianwu, which is really too shameful.Thinking of this, she was very annoyed.

"I don't like to discuss this kind of issue with others, Lin Jianwu." Lin Chensan said, "Bosses always say the same thing to their employees, but when it comes to me, I have to repeat it again. I know that even if the result The same, the purpose is different, I am not for others, I am really living for myself, but this kind of argument can't convince me. I hate giving and not getting rewarded. I have to bump around like a headless chicken at first I don’t know what I’m going to do, and if I have to spend so much time and energy, the result may still be the same, so I’d rather not do anything. I can’t get rid of such pessimistic thoughts for the rest of my life, even if I try my best to correct and overcome this... ...I'm just an incompetent person, Lin Jianwu! I'm just a big bastard who doesn't want to make progress, but just wants to eat and die!"

"I'm sorry, I just said yesterday that I'm a waste, and today I started to say that I'm an asshole." Lin Chensan now feels very sorry for Lin Jianwu's kindness, "I have to say, Lin Jianwu, sometimes I He is a very bad person. I dare not let myself be too happy. I feel that once I am happy, I will not be able to control myself to do something bad, just like Er Jiasi? Maybe it will be worse than her performance. I would scold the parties in my heart because the bus was delayed by the people who broke into the car accident, no matter whether they were the victims or the perpetrators; I rarely know those celebrities in the entertainment industry, but once they are on the top of the trending search, they seem to be derailed. For vicious news such as unspoken rules, I will read the comments for hours like a mosquito seeing blood, watching everyone write that kind of off-fan essay; I am very suspicious, to the point of absurdity and unreasonable When Er Jiasi said that you used your love object as a tool, I actually took it for granted that it would be great if it was really just a tool; and when I heard your answer, I saw you looking at me, you Do you know what I thought of you at the time? I thought you were testing me and asked me to stand up. If I didn't stand up, you would think that I didn't like you much at all, otherwise you wouldn't tell Er Jiasi Those kind of loving words are always on the sidelines. Since I don't like you, then you don't need any psychological burden at all if you want to break up with me..."

"...Also, just 10 minutes ago, right here, Er Jiasi and I were talking about you. We chatted by chance. She was talking happily, so I didn't stop. She talked a lot with you. For example, you are not much different in age, but you go to school in the morning, and you will give her supplementary lessons during the winter and summer vacations, and you once raised a dog together, but that dog has a bad mind, and it was mistaken when you were just in junior high school. I ate preservatives and poisoned myself to death... There are other things, I told you, the first person I fell in love with was Er Jiasi, but just when I tried my best to get her voice out of me When she was driving out of my mind, she suddenly whispered something in my ear: I have a photo of Lin Jianwu when she was three years old and wetting the bed. The tone was a little complaining, but there was nothing wrong with it. I couldn’t hear it, I think She is not satisfied, and I started to hate her just because of you. Is this the emotion that normal people would have? Don’t you think it’s outrageous that friendship is vulnerable under such circumstances? Lin Jianwu. This selfish emotion is disgusting."

Lin Jianwu's expression didn't seem to be affected by Er Jiasi's so-called 'photo' at all, she held Lin Chensan's hand: "Indeed, many times you are so sensitive that you can be called sick, when I first saw you, I I can feel that you are very suspicious. Sansan."

Lin Chensan blurted out without thinking: "Have you really thought about it? You are not wrong. When you said that you thought I was the cleaning staff there, my inferiority complex arose. I was thinking that you are It’s not that you look down on me. This kind of thing happened more than once or twice. After getting along with you many times, I have to suppress the feeling of inferiority before I can talk to you normally. You don’t know how much I care about you for me opinions and views."

"That's really suspicious enough." Lin Jianwu's tone was very calm and easy-going, with a unique sense of tolerance.

"Yes, I've always been like this, and it's pretty good in front of you. No one is targeting me in particular, but I just worry about it all day long. Take what happened in the past month as an example, many people will Ask me some questions, but in fact, it is impossible for me to know what kind of thoughts the other party is holding. After answering each time, I feel very tired. I think they didn’t take what I said to heart. Just listen to it for fun, listen to it. At the end, I even feel that they are asking me on the surface, but they are actually laughing at me inside, and my opinion is irrelevant... I feel that everyone, the whole world, is laughing at me …My thoughts are always different from others, but I don’t actively want to think that way. Is it right for me to have a problem if I am different from others? Or, because I always treat others as “mentally retarded” ', so I will be regarded as mentally handicapped by myself...so I will only torture the people around me."

Inferiority and jealousy are two sides of the same coin that cannot be separated.If she is not inferior, how can she be jealous?