are you a clown

This is not to say how much Lin Jianwu agrees with what the psychiatrist said.

This kind of words does not contain any psychological terms. Without a doctor, some people who think they are sober can say this. It can explain the doubts in Lin Jianwu's heart about certain things, but it can't solve her current most serious problem. The question you care about: what kind of person am I?

The obvious answer has long been known to everyone, but it is another matter to be able to accept it frankly.

There is nothing wrong with being an ordinary person... If Lin Jianwu had walked all the way with such an idea from the beginning, he would not have cared much if he got such an obvious answer.

But just because she is Lin Jianwu, she will never believe that such an answer exists until she actually gets such an answer.

Still not trying hard enough?

She would keep going further and further down the road to something special in order to avoid such an answer as much as she could.

If it is really an ordinary person, an ordinary person, a cog in a social machine that can be replaced at will, for Lin Jianwu, it is better to die...

This kind of thinking is a bit extreme, but, just think about it this way, she has given up so many opportunities to understand the outside world since she was a child, and focused all her attention on the thing that can make herself special-fixed standards In fact, if she could only get such a result, how could she accept it?

If she had known that there would be such a result, would she still work so hard?

Probably not, and it is possible to do it again... because I am not reconciled.But even if you do it all over again, although you have taken fewer detours, you will still be unable to pass the checkpoints that should not be passed. This is also a fact.

Hard work will not betray people, but the result of hard work will.

The moments of rushing to draw pictures all night and the endless homework in college seemed to be the scene of last night, and she still entered the design industry known as "painting migrant workers".Architectural design is the same thing. If you don’t make a plan, it’s basically a distinction of proficiency, which needs to be continuously cultivated. If you want to make a plan, the talent requirements are not so great. It’s more about finding resources and actively solving problems. , or solid basic skills.

Perhaps at a certain moment in the subconscious, she knew the answer, and she had already made a choice for such an answer.She subconsciously accepted the fact that she was an ordinary person, and took such a profession that did not require much talent as her job.

How strong others are, how powerful they are, in fact, Lin Jianwu doesn't care much.

She just hates that feeling: when she walks farther and farther on the special road, and finally touches the door that can be opened, she hears the special kind of person in her eyes. Whispering in a low voice, deeply saddened: "I'm a good cook!"

To become a special person, you have to step on the specialness of others along the way, but often, the special person in the eyes of others still thinks that he is not special enough.

It's not anyone's fault.

A mountain is higher than a mountain. When she climbs a mountain, another higher mountain will appear in front of her. If no one can climb it, there will definitely be someone who wants to break this situation. The road goes on, and there is always no end... It's just that among such people, there will be no figure of Lin Jianwu.

Her specialness ended when she first realized that she was not so special.Those who are really special will not be confused on the way forward.

The psychiatrist failed to solve Lin Jianwu's problem, but made her feel more clearly about the pain in this area.Would it be painful to let go early?If I had discovered it earlier, I wouldn’t have such a redundant feeling, right?Lin Jianwu didn't know, but she was very jealous of those who could forget at any time.

The feeling of non-stop running has long been deeply rooted in her bone marrow, which suddenly makes people slow down. She still can't do it, maybe she can't do it in her whole life.

Lin Jianwu was standing sideways. From this angle, he could see the expression on Lin Chensan's face, but not let the other party see the expression on his face completely: "We were born in this world, and there must be something that we can do by ourselves. Is it okay to arrive?"

This is not a problem for her. After she asked herself, the words continued: "As Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory mentioned, when physiological, safety, social, and respect needs are met, we will spontaneously want to complete ourselves. The realization of value. People need value, and life needs meaning.”

Lin Chensan's answer was simple: "Yes."

"But I have never known what the value of myself is, and the meaning of life has never existed in my life. I have been a person with no dreams since I was a child. I always think that opportunities are reserved for those who are prepared. I have always worked hard to follow in the footsteps of those around me, but even today, it’s fine if I don’t stand out, and it’s hard to simply let go.”

Lin Chensan remembered: "The dream you talked about when we first met..."

"It's just a phantom light used to paralyze myself."

"Isn't it okay if you don't have something you can only do by yourself?" Lin Chensan asked.

"No." Lin Jianwu replied in a very decisive tone.

"Want to leave a name in history?"

"Maybe I just don't want to lose sight of everyone."

"But most of us spend our lives in a daze. We don't know what we want to do, and we don't know what we like specifically, but..." The fireworks in Lin Chensan's hand had long been extinguished, and she tried her best not to use them. Speaking of these words with an attitude, "We have survived like this, and we have lived until now. Relying on inertia."

"Yes." Lin Jianwu didn't refute Lin Chensan's words, her quiet eyes were burning with a quiet flame, "but I refuse to be who I will become like this. I refuse to accept those things that are taken for granted. matter."

Lin Chensan looked at Lin Jianwu in a daze, and after a long time she said: "This world always needs some people who live by inertia."

"That's right." Lin Jianwu's hands left the railing, and she walked along the edge of the railing with her hands behind her back, as if walking on water: "Someone once asked me, do I live in a well-off society?" Family, with such a high-paying job, I don’t have to think too much about money pressure when I want to do something, is it such a painful feeling?”

"If someone like you would have this kind of pain, I would also like to have this kind of pain." Lin Jianwu imitated the voice of that person back then, vividly, "I know, in the eyes of many people, my thoughts like this are It’s very moaning, but because of this, I want to ask, is it a happy life to be an architect with an annual income of 30 without being exposed to wind and rain?”

This is very similar to the famous dialogue in "The Moon and Sixpence".

Lin Chensan smiled: "It's very Versailles for you to talk like this."

"Well, I know, but that's my problem."

"Then have you found it now? The value of self, the meaning of life, something that can be called a dream..."

"No." Lin Jianwu replied very simply, "When I suddenly realized that I was not special enough, no matter what I did, I didn't have the necessary sense of mission, and I didn't have the obsession to do it. It seems that if I don’t live to meet the expectations of others, I can’t live for myself.”

"But I think, you will still pursue it like that. If one day there is something that can make your heart cry, you will leave everything behind. There will be no turning back."

"Sansan still understands me." Lin Jianwu didn't answer directly, but she already acquiesced to Lin Chensan's guess.

Lin Chensan took Lin Jianwu's problem as seriously as possible. She remembered the content of that book, and then said: "This kind of thing is hard to resonate with. I still ideally believe that the meaning of life depends on how we look at it." Life, our contribution to society, and our own requirements. It takes me a long time to acquire these things that you don’t care about. Taking the matter of school age as an example, I ask myself like At your age, I can't communicate well with people who are four years older than me, and I can't be as persistent as you. I can understand what you said, but reason tells me that I can't understand. I don't want to give you advice that I can't do myself."

"But I very much hope that you will persevere and find the meaning of your so-called life. However, I have never had the conditions and energy to do it. If I want to talk about it, I don't understand it. I can only say a cliché, if If you think clearly, then I will support you, and I believe that in your life, every decision you make is unique and will not be regretted."

"In short, don't regret your decision." This is Lin Chensan's respect for everything Lin Jianwu said.

Lin Chensan's answer shocked Lin Jianwu's pupils, and the peaceful burning flames in those eyes suddenly turned into fireworks that exploded in the sky. The beauty of the moment is enough to break the heart: "Is it true?"

"En." Lin Chensan's mind was already attracted by such beauty, she could only utter words that represented approval.

"But maybe by then everything I've left behind will include yours."

"You won't listen to me anyway, will you?" Lin Chensan felt something in his heart.

"That's right." Lin Jianwu didn't hesitate at all, "...would you be sad?"

Lin Chensan nodded and shook his head again: "I don't know, but maybe I will know when the time comes."

"In this respect, you can be more jealous..."

Lin Chensan said, "I'm not such a troublesome girl."

"Pfft~~ Sansan, you are so heartless."

"is it?"

"But I'm not qualified to say that about you." Lin Jianwu took off the shoes on her feet and held them in her hands, her smile was very warm, "Take care to take better pictures of me."

But her voice is full of melancholy: "I like me in your eyes."

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The author has something to say:

I originally wanted to take pictures of Lin Jianwu wearing a tan sweater and holding fireworks, but sure enough, I still like the feeling of a girl wearing a skirt and holding shoes, which is warm and melancholy.

Fireworks in hand, no more.

This is the author's personal opinion.