That 1 his waist protruded

42

My first days trying to live in the big city were not happy.

Not skilled at work and not good at chatting with patients.Studying and exercising has worked very hard, and the somatic symptoms of depression have also decreased.

Escaping from my parents' short stories and sophistication, I began to heal myself.Escaping is shameful but useful.At that time, the desire to survive in my heart prevailed, and I frantically searched for all the environments and behaviors that made me feel comfortable, and avoided those that made me uncomfortable.

In this city, I quickly touched the gay scene.

Standing there as a young, jerky me, in their eyes, I was scumbag.I don't understand what they say, and I don't know what they play.

At that time I met Deng You.He studied fashion design, two years younger than me, and hadn't graduated from college that year.

Deng You did a lot of designs, but he hadn’t made it through at that time, but he felt that his aesthetics were good. He pulled me to choose clothes for me, insisted on introducing his teacher Tony to me, and taught me skin care. I wasted my face.

As for his insistence on calling me "sister", it started after Zhang Qiushu broke up with me, that's another matter.

Having said that, after Deng You insisted on tidying up my image, I officially joined this circle and got to know Zhang Qiushu.Oh, maybe I should call him Berg.

Berg, the flower of Gaoling, is not Deng You's preference. When Berg and I got together, he was shocked but didn't say anything.Although Deng You is a gossip, he doesn't make irresponsible remarks about his friends.

Zhang Qiushu is widely active in the night scene, and it is not difficult to meet him, which is why many people know him.But the flower of the kaolin refused most solo dates, rarely slept with anyone, and was notoriously difficult to hook up.

What is more bizarre is that he greeted me first.

"The new look is nice. May I know your name?" He smiled at me, and with the lively dance floor as the background, he leaned into my ear and asked me.

"Ayu. My friends call me Ayu."

He actually remembered me and observed me very carefully.Just one sentence raised my favorability to a very high level.

Gentle, considerate, careful, this is my first impression of him.He saw through the loneliness and panic of me, a foreigner, and tolerated my panic gently.This is the first time I have had such a happy chat with someone in this city.

Later Deng Youcai told me that he was the Berg.Although Berg told me his name, at that time I was not used to this kind of address, and I couldn't remember other people's English names at all, and I didn't think that he was still a famous figure in the community.

I didn't know until Deng You explained it to me.I have to admit, Berg surprised me.

43

My relationship with Zhang Qiushu started a month after I met him.I've only seen him four times this month, mainly because I rarely do night shows.

In retrospect, the first time I met him was very ordinary.This person is very likable, and he is very comfortable to get along with. I can even take him to do things that others think are boring, without making me feel that he is accommodating me and reluctantly cooperating.

At that time, I lived in an old community, the house was not well soundproofed, and the corridors were not very clean.Sometimes there will be people arguing in the corridor, or hearing footsteps stopping at the door.

I was overly sensitive to these voices, and once I complained in distress, Zhang Qiushu remembered it.It didn't take long for him to invite me to share a room with him, claiming that he also wanted to save some rent and save more money-I knew in my heart that this was nothing more than an argument to protect the self-esteem of me, a poor man.

In fact, he still thinks wrong, I don't have this kind of self-esteem at all-forced by life, social animals don't have dignity.

After starting to live together, I guess I found out that Zhang Qiushu has a very serious obsessive-compulsive disorder.

There are many types of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Some people repeatedly confirm to close the door, some repeatedly check their belongings, and some repeatedly wash their hands...the symptoms are different.

Of course, Zhang Qiushu is also within the range of common symptoms.He resists others touching his own things, and he also resists touching things that others have touched.If you touch it, you can't help but want to wash things or yourself repeatedly.

His clothes have to be changed every day, but he put them in the washing machine immediately, and he must take a shower when he gets home. He can't bear it at all.But this guy is a frequent visitor to the nightclub, and when he came home, he had an expression of "I'm dirty".

You said it's all like this, why don't you go?No, he still has to go.I just gritted my teeth with hatred.

He knew that this kind of behavior was abnormal, but he usually hid it very well, but mentioning treatment was like killing him.

Every time I protested he looked at me morosely, as if I were a lucky person.In the end, nine times out of ten, he would end up in bed with my intention to have a good talk.

And I can't do anything about him.

He was very stubborn, as if the struggle and pain of obsessive concepts were part of his life, and he didn't want to end this pain.This makes me sad.

44

Zhang Qiushu often attends gatherings of the foundation circle when he has time.If he goes to the night show, he will also take me with him.I'm going to be a flower protector.

After all, he didn't want to be touched.A jealous partner is a good excuse in my presence.

After a long time, I can also discover his intentions-he enjoys the admiration and ambition of others for him.

I asked him, "Is it not enough for me to love you?"

Zhang Qiushu sighed, "It's different."

I can't help it either.I know there must be some reasons behind this, and I also believe that one day he will be willing to tell me.

What I didn't expect was that I waited for the answer, but didn't wait for him to heal himself.He seems to be addicted to love and kill with self-torturing emotions, and he has no intention of changing at all.

And the worst thing about me is that although people's sorrows and joys are not the same, I have a strong ability to empathize.

I’ve long believed that empathy is just an “I thought I could empathize” self-righteousness — after all, no one can truly empathize.Even when things happen to us, people have different feelings and reactions.The so-called heart-to-heart comparison is self-righteous.

I know it, but I can't help myself.Zhang Qiushu let himself go more and more in front of me, and I can feel more and more the pain he has carried in the past and the present.

I don't know how he endured until this day, but he can still appear in front of everyone, but I can't.

Half a year before breaking up with him, I fell ill again.

During those six months, he always sighed, and often found time to go to nightclubs. He was not chasing sex, just sitting for a few hours, talking to people, and when he got home, he took a bath and washed clothes nervously.

I was so sad I wanted to bang my head against the wall.

It is good enough for human beings to sympathize with others, empathy is superfluous.I was in pain with him, and even acted more painful than him, which made it impossible for me to comfort him, take care of him, and protect him.

I made the final choice——

"Zhang Qiushu, either you receive treatment and we can change this situation together. Or we can separate. I need time and space to heal myself."

--------------------

This part is clearly thought of long ago, but the wording is very tangled when written.

Probably because Ayu is the beauty in my heart, so it is difficult to grasp this difficult moment.