Youth Notes

Rural women often comment on a girl who has grown up and entered "youth" in this way: this girl has grown up and started to "sex".What they mean by being coquettish is that they love beauty and dress up, such as wearing flowery skirts, growing long hair, and looking in the mirror.Also, I love watching boys.Should youth be defined by this?That would make me even more confused.

I have loved beautiful ones since I was a child.For example, I envy other girls' schoolbags made of a whole piece of floral cloth. My mother's thick schoolbag is made of countless pieces of rags.I envy other girls' white cloth shoes and undamaged sandals. I always wear military-colored "Jiefang shoes" and worn-out sandals covered with rubber strips.Envious of other girls' dresses like flowers and butterflies, I can only wear patched blue sapphire trousers, or at most a "chicken skirt" made of coarse cloth-that is, a wooden barrel skirt.I envy those girls with long hair tied with ribbons. I cut short hair like a boy's head all year round. My mother said it saves trouble.

I love to stare at the beautiful women I come across: fair skin, rosy cheeks, fragrant hair, bright red lips, necks with earrings, red-painted nails.I would secretly imitate them: hang some black rags on my forehead, and slap my face red——I don’t need powder, and people who have met me say that I have fair skin.Pick a little out of the only bottle of cream at home, dip it in water and apply it on the face and neck.Go to the neighbor's vegetable garden and steal two pink henna flowers, squeeze the juice out and apply it on the nails.One night, I used red ink to paint all five nails of my left hand red, but the painting was not satisfactory: the red was like a red rain, rippling violently on each nail, seriously Flooded the "farmland" outside the nail.It was like being shot five times by devils, all five fingernails were shot, and blood spattered.When I got up the next day, my mother saw it and scolded me: why are you so monster!Actually imitating others to paint red nails!Taking advantage of just waking up, I pretended to be vague and said inarticulately: Uh, I accidentally made it when I wrote yesterday, uh...why can't it be washed off?

I am so stinky, is it because youth has come?

But I don't like to look at boys, I just like to look at girls.The scariest thing is, I especially like looking at girls' breasts.

I always like to stare at women's breasts, that soft, wavy place is so charming.Especially the breasts of young and beautiful girls, they bend gently and undulate gently in the clothes, making me want to touch them, touch them, and hug them.Our fourth-grade math teacher is a young female teacher. Her breasts are very plump, so she uses tight nipples to lock them in her clothes, but it still bounces so playfully.I dare not stare at her chest all day long. Every time she writes on the blackboard, I look at the clear belt behind her and imagine what a beautiful world it holds.I never read comic books without women, so I don’t want to read Three Kingdoms and Water Margin even though I’m bored.I never get tired of reading comic books with many girls, especially their breasts. Those breasts are prettier than those of the women around me, and it’s up to me to see enough.Especially those girls who disguise themselves as men, they are heroic and have delicate features, their breasts are always not too big and not too small, they are very charming.I like to draw and draw very well, as the teacher said.I can only draw girls, and the sweetest and most exciting thing is to draw their breasts. Whenever my pen creates a magical curve for their breasts, I feel blood rushing to my forehead, and my heart is like a frightened rabbit. Jumping wildly, very excited, very happy...Of course, I am very good at covering myself: the pictures for everyone to see, the girl's breasts are very "elegant", and only for me to see, I let them be free while warming my face Grow up to your heart's content, and sometimes draw a pair of hands there...

Is this also youth?What kind of youth is this?

I am a quiet kid, but I am a very serious audience and listener. I also spend all the naughty time of the children in a daze, thinking about countless reasons.I wanted to ask everything, and I asked many, many questions, but I never dared to ask these questions, all related to youth.

The relatives, teachers, and elders around me always praised me, saying that I was honest, simple, pure, well-behaved, kind, upright, and upward... I was very scared, and I felt that I was bad and "sexy".In order to keep adults' love and evaluation of me, I carefully hid my "sexy heart".I definitely can't go from being a "good" girl to being a "bad" girl.

When I was 12 years old, our family moved into the county seat because my father became a leader of the county seat.My mother also had a temporary "job in the city"—like many people at that time, she built a small open-air shop with bamboo outside the department store to sell clothes.

I never dreamed that our family would sell clothes, and after selling clothes, I didn't dare to expect to be able to wear them on me.

However, I really want to wear it, and I don’t dare to be greedy. I only long for the pink woolen autumn jacket with black checks printed on it. I have never worn such bright and girly clothes.

But I dare not say it, I am afraid that my mother will scold me for showing off, and I am afraid that my mother will say that we have no money at home, let's wear old clothes, don't be so ignorant.I have always been a "simple", "pure" and "well-behaved" girl. I can't become bad, although my heart is already broken.

My mother found out that I was always looking at her clothes, and she smiled and asked me gently: Do you want to pick a dress you like?I was surprised and delighted, but I hesitated deliberately coyly.My mother is rarely so gentle and loving. Her eyes are as bright as the color of that pink dress, and she hugs me tenderly.I am not afraid anymore, I said: I like that pink dress.Unexpectedly, my mother put the clothes away immediately, and said: "Come on, here you are, my daughter must look beautiful in it!"That day I became the most beautiful and happiest girl in the world.That kind of happiness is like fragrant flowers all over the sky, blooming warmly and falling lightly.

Why did I like pink so much then?Is that the color of youth?If so, what a happy and sweet word youth is.

However, it is not, and soon it will not be.

My father was still away from home for many years, and he was busy running to Shenzhen, Zhuhai and Hong Kong all day long, continuing to fight for his ideal revolutionary cause.Once my father went on a business trip to Hong Kong and brought back a large number of beautiful dresses. For the first time in my life, I owned so many brand new and bright dresses.I put those pink, pink, purple, snow-white, bright yellow, solid-colored... dresses with patterns, and I found that the one in the mirror became more beautiful and pure than what I had longed for before.I cautiously reveled in that dreamlike joy. At first, I secretly put on my beautiful clothes and put on a "revolutionary" old one, and then I put them on in a panic. Walking on the street, walking into the campus, and walking to all the places I need to go, with happiness and shyness, restrained and concealed joy, quietly in my original world "as if nothing had happened".

In fact, I am not quiet anymore, and my world has changed.The proof is that my grades have dropped, and my ranking has dropped by more than a dozen places.I suddenly realized that it was those beautiful clothes that hurt me!The adults have already said that bright and beautiful clothes are a disaster, eating, drinking and having fun is depraved, wearing long hair and wearing skirts is frivolous, and those young people with over-the-ear hair, mustaches and bell-bottom pants are perverts. Run away, maybe it's a criminal!

I must change back to a serious and good girl.

I started to save myself: no more looking in the mirror, no more playing with those few new clothes, no more "love action".The most proud saving result is that my grades jumped to the top three in the class, and I became a new star in the eyes of my classmates and teachers.The joy it brings to me is bright, "pure" and frank, not as sweet as Fangfei but sincere and frightened.

Youth is like this, it is not pink, it is naturally colorless, just like air.

It wasn't until I grew up that I realized that wasn't the case.

Only "Sao Xin" and "Sao Xing" are incomplete youth, and it is unhealthy to remove both "Sao Xin" and "Sao Xing" to become a scavenger.If I always maintain my "sexy heart" and "sexy behavior", and turn those cautious happiness into aboveboard happiness, maybe I will grow up more "normal"?

I am doomed to be abnormal. I want to be a student who is "excellent in character and learning", "has ideals and pursuits", "diligent and studious, aggressive" and "pure and simple". This is the evaluation and expectation of all the elders.

I walked towards the road of "recognition" without "things" and "desires", and walked farther and farther away from the world, and finally reached the point where there was no way to go, and I was deeply hidden in a castle in the air alone. , experience, a hundred years of loneliness.