Youth Notes

In the summer vacation of the second year of high school, my father took Wen Ziqing and me to the provincial capital, the city where we later went to college together.It was the first time for Wen Ziqing to go to the provincial capital, and it was the second time for me.

These two children from a small place came to the provincial capital together, like two dizzy Tubalu.They bought a map and researched together where to go.During the day, when the father went to run errands, they wandered around, visiting memorial halls, martyrs' tombs, gymnasiums, etc., and then went there to see which road had a nice name.As a result, the two country girls were very angry. They couldn't figure out what kind of brains those people had named the roads.I can't blame them for their ignorance. They were deceived by a beautiful and poetic name and went to a vegetable market. That market is not only a "market" and a "field", it is like an octopus with long Tentacles stretched out into the streets and alleys. There was a lot of traffic, people's voices were noisy, the ground was full of garbage, and the turbid air was soaring.They squeezed there for a long time and couldn't get out.These two nerds don't understand that food is the most important thing for the people, and it is the most appropriate and ingenious to give the grain and vegetable wholesale market a beautiful and poetic name.

We were in the provincial capital for almost a week, staying in a hotel, in the same suite.It's a standard two bed suite but we somehow ended up sleeping together and I tickled her when we were playing she was curious and happy for something I never did , I also feel incredible, how dare I "offend" her, why I feel special when I tickle her, why we all have different feelings.Then we slept together, slept together and hugged each other.We hug and feel the sweetness and happiness that we have never had in our lives.I held her head and stroked her soft hair.Just like this, always like this, how good and how beautiful.

After returning from the provincial capital, we spent more time together. Wen Ziqing's "concierge" was used as a security room, and she moved to a stair room. This poor child, she slept alone in the stair room. A small house with only one bed and one table.It was still such a fragrant smell, not an ordinary aroma, but the smell of the rusty and broken windows of a dark broken house, the smell of Wen Ziqing's body, hair and neck.

That autumn, I stayed overnight in Wen Ziqing's stair room.It was still autumn, and her hands and feet were cold. Every autumn and winter, her hands and feet were cold.I held her to sleep, holding this little soft girl.

Later she wrote me a letter, and that letter was found by my sister, who asked me in amazement: Are you gay?I was taken aback, and immediately pretended to be calm and said: No, how could it be?Then why is her letter written like this?sister asked.She was in a bad mood at the time, and I comforted her.I said.My sister didn't ask any more questions.

I was so happy when you fucked my face that day.

A sentence from Wen Ziqing's letter.

It's called homosexuality.There is a word in the world called homosexuality.A word that people naturally avoid.Turns out we were gay.I miss her so much, love her so much, love her so hard, it's because I'm gay, I want to hug her and kiss her because I have love for her, not friendship, I love a girl so naturally .I'm gay.

I was shocked, not because of love, not because I made it clear that what I had for her was love. In fact, I suspected and knew it earlier. I knew it after the summer when I was 15 and a half years old. It was not friendship. I was confused and didn’t know what it was. It's like the love I thought it was, but it doesn't make me blush and my heart beats, but it makes me haunt my dreams, tender as water, sad and heartbroken, I don't know what this kind of love is, what it is.I know it is shameful, it will be called absurd and crazy, so no one can know, although I think it is beautiful and obsessed with it.I told Wen Ziqing that I love you and miss you, but I never dared to say it, my love is love, I never dared to, I didn't say it, I never said it.

I am not shocked by same-sex love, not by the word homosexuality, but by the fact that it comes from someone else’s mouth, speaking to me.It put a label on me, on us, a label that is not tolerated by the world.It tells me that I can't dwell on my dreams, but must think of reality.

I don't want to think, I avoid thinking.I'm not there yet, I'm still a child, there's no need to think too early about those things, if I want to be addicted, I can continue to be addicted.I instinctively resisted.

Go on wallowing in love, wallowing in nature, I say.it, the moon.It, Liuyun.it, the night sky.it, the stars.I love, I love, I love, I love.I especially love those moonlit nights, which fill my days, fill my history, fill my life.

The moon is high and round, hanging in the deep gray blue sky. In the naked blue sky, it enjoys the endless mysterious night sky alone.So beautiful, so beautiful, so beautiful.It hangs high outside my window, on my balcony, watching me silently, staring at me like an affectionate and frank eye.

I sleep with my head facing the window, just watch it sleep, and it also watches me sleep.I talked to it, and recited the letter between Su Guanlan and Ding Jieqiong in "The Second Handshake"-"Brother Guanlan: Please let me use this title again and for the last time. In the long history of the past, This title, which has appeared thousands of times in my writing, once served as the source of my spiritual sustenance and belief, and inspired my endless wonderful fantasies. This name engraved in my heart once supported me to reject others tenaciously. The infinite love and thoughts that I entrusted to me have accompanied me through the long life behind bars, the long and unbearable loneliness and desolation in a foreign country... But today, the iron-cast facts are in front of us, what else do I have? There are words! I have thought about it for a long, long time, but I can't figure out why life is so cruel and unfair to such an extremely serious and loyal person like me? Why is fate playing tricks on me so mercilessly? I don't think so. I don't want to get an answer, because I'm leaving..."

I often speak to it, break my promise, and recite poems.It looked at me stupidly, listened to me quietly, and caressed me silently.When I laugh, it laughs; when I cry, it also cries.I burst into tears, I was full of tenderness, I sighed sadly, I mourned and despaired... It has been looking at me, accompanying me, hugging me, and comforting me.It always waits for me patiently, and when I calm down, I close my eyes under its silver light.

I spread a mat and lay on the spacious balcony, watching the moon.I watched the clouds drift past it, watched the wind fly, watched the wind push the clouds to run, watched the occasional shooting stars across the sky, and watched it slowly move from east to west.I looked at it, covered it with its white quilt, wrapped it in its soft veil, covered it with its hazy veil, and galloped my thoughts until I entered nothingness.In the middle of the night, it woke me up with cold hands and urged me to go back to my room and sleep again.It looked at me, its bright eyes were extremely affectionate, I looked at it and smiled tenderly, obediently obeying its kindness.

I moved the stool, sat on the edge of the balcony, spread out my diary, spread out the letter paper, the moonlight is a bright lamp, with fairy spirit, with spiritual spirit, silently accompanied me happily, it filled the air The whole universe.

This is often the case, during the years when I loved Wen Ziqing.Moon, it accompanies me to love Wen Ziqing, it accompanies me for many, many years.

I continued the sleepless nights, I was reluctant to sleep, moonlight, starlight, books and letters, music and orange lights.In those books, diaries and music, in the lights, moon and stars, I want to accompany and enrich my life with more and more time, warmth, light, sound quality and imagination.I closed myself off, I shut myself off, I immersed myself in loneliness and depression, I was consciously autistic and depressed, even though I didn't know the words and concepts.I don't know anything, I don't know that I am destroying my youth and my young life with sleepless nights.