Youth Notes

I was terrified of going to sleep, very, very terrified, and as soon as I fell asleep, not even fully asleep, he came right away.

No nose eyes, no arms and legs, nothing, he has no form at all.But he is here!He waited for me to sleep, he has been there, waiting for the opportunity to move!

As soon as I closed my eyes, he immediately attacked.That succubus, like a dark cloud when a violent storm is approaching, swooped down dark and gloomy, and quickly enveloped me.I screamed in fear, I ran like hell, flailing my arms, pushing, pushing, pushing—but he was so strong, he covered the whole world, and he grabbed me, oppressed me, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't breathe, and I kicked and kicked in horror. At the moment of suffocation, I broke through the thick fog, and woke up sweating profusely and my heart was beating wildly.As soon as he was shocked, his eyelids sank again.He immediately pulled me into dreamland again!He pulled me roughly, and put me back in his arms viciously.I started to run away again, kicking my legs and waving my arms more vigorously: I don't want you!Don't dream!You are a dream!I know you are just a dream!wake up!wake up!wake up!I want to wake up!ah!quick!wake up!Kick, kick, swing, dance, hit!wake up!I shook my head desperately, holding my eyelids hard... Ah, I saw it, it hurts!I woke up!I immediately got up, went outside the tent, and stood by the window: I can’t sleep anymore, I can’t sleep anymore, I can’t...

For a long time, I was tortured by such a dream every day, and it almost made me collapse.Finally, I didn't dare to sleep alone anymore, so I climbed onto my roommate's bed and slept on a bed that could feel human body temperature.

I began to be afraid of cloudy days, as soon as the sky became cloudy, my heart immediately became cloudy.I am afraid of dusk, the setting sun is fading away, and dusk is approaching, my heart is filled with misty yellow, as if I heard a few grass insects mourning alone in the sparse grassland.I am afraid of the dark night, there are always countless unknowable things hidden in the dark night, like my succubi, they have no specific image, or they have an image that we cannot see, whether they have three eyes or five eyes, we cannot see them, But they are, they can see us, with three eyes or five eyes or countless eyes.They always look at me!They don't need legs and wings, but they can follow you silently.You can't see it, you can't catch it, you can't drive it away, you can't hide it.They watch you, follow you like a shadow, and devour you at any time!I was under the control, and I would suddenly panic and jump even in broad daylight.I was manipulated by them.

When I returned home during the winter and summer vacations, I was even more afraid. There was no bed for me anymore, so I slept with the lights on and music playing all night.

Before I went to college, a room was set aside on the big balcony outside my small house to enshrine the tablets of my ancestors.I began to be afraid of going to the big balcony at night, even if the moonlight was beautiful, I didn't dare to enjoy it anymore.Every time I look at that beautiful altar, I seem to see the ancestors sitting there looking at me, no, not all of them are sitting there, they are walking around the room, sitting, lying, squatting, Walk, start and stop casually.They hid in the air, looked at me, said words I couldn't understand, and made movements that I couldn't see.Every evening, I dare not look at the next door again. At night, I close the big iron door leading to the balcony.However, they cannot be closed, they can go back and forth freely through the walls.I lay on the bed and listened to the noise next door. When there was a sound, I was frightened: they were about to rush in, through my door, window, and through the wall; when there was no sound, I was terrified: they might Already in my room, probably standing by my desk, or sitting at the end of my bed...

I couldn't live anymore, so I escaped from the small room of a few square meters and moved to the second floor.

A mother in her early forties observes her daughter, no matter how careless she is, she can find something wrong with her daughter: her face is pale and haggard, her expression is in a trance and desolate, she is thin and silent, and she is abnormally timid and sensitive.She thinks her daughter is possessed by a ghost.So he took her to see a doctor, told her fortune, and invited a witch to the house to exorcise evil spirits.

It was a stout rural woman, about the same age as my mother.As soon as she entered the door, she had a solemn expression, sniffing around, then closed her eyes, and stood by the door with her hands folded for several minutes, chanting words.Then he opened his eyes and stared at me for a while, then raised his right hand to cover my forehead, and stared at me sternly, as if trying to scare away the ghost hiding deep in my eyes.Suddenly she yelled twice, the palm on my forehead visibly strengthened, she suddenly closed her eyes and muttered quickly.He opened his eyes only when the voice came to an abrupt end, and smiled at me gently: Aunty, don't be afraid!Your life is hard!

After that, he entered the house with his mother.Mom chatted with her for a while, then she closed her eyes again, pinched her fingers and muttered for a while, and then began to sing a song, I don't know what song she was singing, it was the same tune back and forth, and the content of the singing was very strange , there are all kinds of names of gods, ghosts, mountains, rivers and rivers.She sang in a low voice and in a high voice for more than half an hour, like telling a story or a bible, expressing her emotions and emotions.After singing the song and sitting quietly for a few minutes, she slowly opened her eyes, as if she just woke up from a distant place, her face and eyes were full of tiredness.After talking with her mother in a low voice for a while, she told her to bring her a small basin of water. She would go to every room upstairs and downstairs to drive out evil spirits, and told me to sit where I was.With bare feet and a small basin of water, she walked around every corner of the house under the leadership of her mother, splashing water while reading.After I finished, I gave my mother two yellow triangular paper symbols, and asked my mother to boil water for me to drink.

The witch left, my mother burned the paper talisman, and I drank the ashes and water.

Yes, I ate the pinch of ash, and my mother asked me to eat it.

This pious mother, she doesn't know that her child is not sick, and her child's "disease" is not good.No one knows the secret of her child, and no one should know it.The mother said she was possessed by a ghost, so she agreed that she was possessed by a ghost. The witch said she lost her soul, so she agreed that she had lost her soul. They thought she would be fine after taking medicine and ashes. Then she will let them have this confidence.

Yes, she kept silent, never said a word, always silent.Why did this poor mother give birth to such a child, a child who would worry her all her life?

I shouldn't have come into this world.I think so often.That's what I think every time I face my brother's Little Spirit card.If my brother was alive, there would be no me.Brother should live.The elder brother was the first boy the family expected, and he should be alive.If he doesn't get sick, his parents won't be in debt. If he doesn't die, his mother won't cry for so long after giving birth. This brother who has only been in the world for three months, he made his mother cry out her eyes. Let her cry every time she sees the wind.If he doesn't die, my mother won't be pregnant with me again immediately, and won't have such a child.As long as he lives, everything will be fine.

I shouldn't have come.Every time I think of this, I think of my elder brother, and think of the baby who is so loved by the elders, whether he has quietly turned back and sneaked onto me, so I love girls...

I'm made up of two people, me and my brother, a girl and a boy, I've always wondered.Just like I was born wondering "what is 'I'", that little child has been exploring such questions since he was only a few years old.

Who am I, who is this thinking "I"?where is she?Not in the hands, not in the legs, not in the stomach.I know she's not there.I feel that she can move and run, she hides in my body but cannot appear in any part of my body, she is very close and far away.I would love to see her, to see what she is like, what she has grown, or nothing, so what is she, how is she!She also wants to see me, she wants to take a closer look at me from a very high and far position, to see what I look like, this look, this person, why is she walking, blinking and talking, who is she and how does she do it from.She wants to see if the "I" on the ground will look different after she walks to a high and far position.She wants to see if she can still exist after I die, if she just floats in any place, then how does "she" float.

In fact, I feel that "she" floats invisible outside of "me" all the time, walking, seeing and thinking everywhere, experiencing many things that I can't see or hear.She is outside of me.

Once, no, many times, the child's wish was granted.

I dreamed of "me" and "her".

I am dead.She finally pulled away from me, she saw me.She stood beside me, looking at me curiously and suspiciously—a pool of clear water in the big gray and black tile tank.She suddenly thought: So "I" is like this, so this is "I".

I'm dead again.She came to see me again, and I was lying in a coffin, yes, I wasn't covered.She saw me, stood quietly beside me and looked at me quietly, the person who was sleeping quietly, the person who was sleeping peacefully without moving.

How many more times have I died, I don't remember.I often have that dream.I'm two people, I want to separate them to look at each other, but it can't, when I'm awake, they are always overlapped together, and no one can see the other.Only after death can we separate, but after death, only one can see, and the other will always close its eyes.

I believe that every life is like this, composed of two, and they are dependent on each other.One is loyal, and it is really displayed in front of everyone; the other is lively and playful, it often wanders around, and it can pass through no matter what, sometimes it is as small as a needlepoint of dust and mist, and can get into all gaps, Sometimes it's as big as the sky and the earth, and it's all over the universe.The faithful form is mortal and will rot away, but the lively and mischievous mind is immortal. How did "it" die?It was originally invisible and intangible.This immortality should be the most miraculous "life" in the world, right?

That child is often in a daze all day long.When she grows up, she still can't find the answer, not only can't find it, but also makes her more confused: there is a gender difference between this her and that her...

I don't like being a boy. If there is an afterlife, I still want to be a girl.I was like a boy again, obsessed with girls like a boy.I know that I have been "ill" since I was born, and this "illness" will not go away before I die.Poor mother, how could she bear it if she knew that all her efforts were in vain.In her eyes, her daughter is pure and enterprising, gentle and generous. She firmly believes that this simple daughter will have a beautiful life.