Youth Notes

Pathos, on my 20th birthday I gave myself a present: Tchaikovsky's Symphony of Pathos.Yes, I like this kind of music, like Tchaikovsky, his deep, delicate and melancholy music that soothes the soul, and his loneliness and misery alone.I like, love and yearn for tragedy. I always shed tears for the tragic characters in my heart, feel their loneliness of not seeing the ancients and not seeing the coming, appreciate their tragic characters and tragic lives, and those soulmates. Thoughts and emotions, those words.My heart was moved, saddened, and wept because it resonated so deeply with them.I long to be destroyed like them, to be destroyed by ideals, desires, characters, and fate, completely destroyed, completely burst, burned, and shattered.Disappeared, leaving no trace of dust.Hamlet, Julien, Anna Karenina, Tess, all the fresh lives strangled in Western literature, the miserable and sincere souls that were imprisoned, destroyed, and killed to the point of being bloodstained, came out Magnificent and tragic human tragedies, they surge and roll in my mind and in the depths of my soul, like tsunamis, landslides, and ground cracks.Tragedy is to tear and destroy beauty in front of the world. I hope that I, together with my tragedy and my beautiful feelings, will be torn and destroyed.It and she are sure to be destroyed.

I must be destroyed. If I am not destroyed, I will destroy others. I am a bomb. I may kill anyone who approaches me. I don't want to kill people, so I must die.Wen Ziqing is a poor and unfortunate girl, I am such a terrifying bullet that can explode at any time, atomic bomb - I often can't help but want a nuclear leak.

The desire for Wen Ziqing has been around for a long time.I also saw Wen Ziqing's underwear belt, she had worn it a long time ago, she had been wearing it since high school.Every time I look at that tape, I can't help but feel shy, lost, heartbroken, unable to control my thoughts: there embraces spring, and one day it will be untied by someone, and it will bring happiness and happiness to that person hapiness.It is mine now, and the joy it brings me is so great, so great that I don't know what to do with it.This kind of happiness will eventually be deprived by another person, who will say: You stand aside, you are not worthy.I will step aside in despair, I should give way... My heart hurts, my heart hurts like crazy, I can't let Wen Ziqing grow up, I can't let her know how to love, I don't give her love, even if I think about it, I can't even look at it no.If she wants to touch anyone, I will kill her!I can't, don't allow her to be nice to anyone other than me, I want to be perfectly monopolized and monopolized.However, Wen Ziqing had to grow up, fall in love, be lonely and suffer. She should have the happiness that all girls can get.I never dared to imagine that the belt would be untied by me. I can't do such a thing, I can't be so delusional, I can't be so disrespectful to her, I can't violate and profane, no, I can never do that, I can't hurt Wen Ziqing.She should belong to someone else, she should have a life like all girls.Even if I run around like a mad dog, she can't be without happiness.

But, what should I do, I don't know what to do with myself, my mind has long been a mad dog.

Seeing her positive, happy, looking forward to the future made me miserable, and I saw the gloom in my eyes.I was in such pain and despair, but she was so happy and positive, she didn't think that losing me would be painful and unbearable, she was happy and longing for other things and even other people.How can she do this?I said, I like to see you happy, like you are so happy.I took her hand, and I was very sad, because her happiness did not come from me.

I get angry when she dresses beautifully. She even wears such thin clothes and low-cut clothes. The corset is so clearly displayed in front of people's eyes, as if she is deliberately seducing people. Who is she going to wear? ?Who is she trying to seduce?How could she dress like this for someone else?If not for others, then for what?She asked me: Does my dress look good?I said: very good-looking, very charming.I saw jealousy burning in my heart, it burned me.

I was also angry when she had a fashionable haircut. I said, I don't like your appearance. You are very fashionable and vulgar, and you look like a strong woman. I like your casual and simple appearance.She said, silly boy, everyone says it looks good, but you say it is not good-looking, you are really an antique.I can't see my expression, it must be weird and awkward, because my heart is very sad, very sad.

Seeing her unhappy, losing her spirit, she put clothes on her body casually, even her hair is messy, her big eyes are confused and sentimental, I am very sad, Wen Ziqing, you can't be like this, you can't be sad, you I don’t know what to do when I’m sad, I want to turn myself into a God, a God who can give you everything, but I can’t change, I can only pace back and forth, panic, I hate myself for being incompetent , I hate myself for not being able to give you happiness, so I want to kill myself.

I seem to be the soul-distorted bishop in "Notre Dame de Paris", wanting to possess someone who cannot be possessed, so I try my best to torture, hurt or even kill the fresh life with other people's love. If he can't get it, then who Don't even think about it, then she must die.Love is such a terrible thing, it is an angel and a devil at the same time.

I have been a devil many times, I have been an angel and a devil at the same time.My love is the most beautiful flower and the most poisonous wine.I want to die, but I'm powerless to die. I don't want to give up on Wen Ziqing, and I shouldn't die either.I call Wen Ziqing, call heaven and earth, call everything to end my life, end it tragically.No, when Wen Ziqing is still there, before she leaves me, I want to live, when I still have my parents, I want to live, when I can still hold on, I want to live.This kind of life can be called lingering, its last breath is the soul's reluctance and nostalgia for life.

I am not a fairy in the sky, I am not a cold star, I am not a person who only has the blue sky in his heart, I was burned unconscious by the **, and I was almost burnt.I opened my deep eyes, which only I could see, passing through everything, watching quietly, looking around, and silently peeping.I pondered, composed, imagined, and I was tortured by these thoughts, so that I was full of desire all day long, so strong, so irresistible.I satisfied it, I satisfied it in my own way, satisfied it non-stop, satisfied it again and again.I know that I must be prematurely aging because of this.I don't think about these things, old age is a very distant thing, I will never get old at all, I will die when I am far from old, I am a person who may die at any time.I have deceived the world, how will those boys who have always or later said that I am pure and pure, know my inner world, evaluate it?

I've been trying to figure out one thing:

Why does God place such wild thoughts on a thin body and a cowardly character.