Youth Notes

When I was young, I longed for warmth and liveliness, but I always lived in the ice cellar; when I approached youth, I saw its bright red face, but I just shrank in a corner and peeped in confusion; before I really entered youth, I became a A star in the cold night, hidden in the black, quietly watching other people's youth like the bustling neon lights of the city.

Parents may have experienced that one day a child suddenly grows up, and the speed is more miraculous than light. Light is only faster, but it is still light after all, and the child is different, as if he is a different person.

One day in the second year of junior high school, I found that I had grown up suddenly.My mind suddenly changed. I suddenly realized that everything before today was extremely naive and superficial. I suddenly liked to hide in a quiet corner, just watching and no longer speaking. He sensually concealed his sincerity.

I really hid myself. In the past, I was forced to be helpless, but now I am active, conscious, and pursuing.

I see Zheng Yan and Chen Shaoyan talking about boys and dating.

I watched them perm their hair and dye their nails in Chengcheng, talking about all kinds of trendy clothes, shoes and hairstyles.

I heard Yun and them exchange Hong Kong TV series, talk about various Hong Kong and Taiwan film and television stars, and listen to Chang Jian and them talk about martial arts novels and martial arts movies.

I watched Xiaoxiao dancing disco dancing with a group of boys all day long with her waist twisted.

Well, disco dancing is a bit interesting.

There are four King Kongs in our class, who are the influential figures in our grade-chasing stars, catching up with trends, full of vitality, and full of firepower.On weekends, a group of boys and girls surround them to watch them dance.They dance very vigorously, jumping non-stop with the strong rhythm of the music, as if every cell in the body is jumping and jumping from head to toe, they shake their heads, twist their necks, clap their hands, kick their legs, twist their waists and pout their butts They are blushing, shining eyes and sweating, making people feel flying, their hearts are flying, and their lives are flying.Flying Youth, I like Fei Xiang’s song very much, but I don’t like their dance music and dance postures very much. In the words of many of us at the time, they danced too “over-the-top”, too “crazy” and “bad”. Especially when it's so provocative, like an infectious disease that can "degenerate" and "rot" a large group of teenagers.

These boys who have entered puberty dance disco, Alan Tam and Lin Zixiang are full of energy, and they are sluggish in class, or they are tired, or they gossip, and of course they can't finish their homework well.

Never learn from them.Teacher says.

They danced like demons.The classmate said.

But, let's talk about it.The teacher still admires them very much, at certain times, such as theatrical performances.The classmates were even more intoxicated. The eyes of those envious boys and girls who admired them spun enthusiastically with their dancing postures, creating circles of beautiful halos.

They secretly imitated, they sang, they danced.

By the time they graduated from the third year of junior high school, most of them had gone from singing in key middle schools to jumping to ordinary middle schools.They're infected, they're corrupted, they're rotten.

Actually, just getting dumped, not because of disco, because there are always people who get dumped.

Two years later, some classmates exclaimed to me: Wow, so you can also sing love songs!We thought you only sang revolutionary songs!

Yes, even though I don't like their dance music and dance moves very much, it's just because it's "theirs". I like the energy and enthusiasm in those dance moves, and the rhythm and emotion of those pop songs. I love youth and flying , love the invisible and intangible flying heat.But no one knows I love, no one knows that a girl who is so "pure", "refined", "quiet", and "study and enterprising" would like such a "bad" song and dance.I love too cold.I don't follow the wind, but I watch the wind intently, examine the wind, and feel the wind, so I know the traces it leaves, even if it is a very slight trace of caressing the trembling air.As a result, many people told me that they were very afraid of my eyes, as if they could peel off layers of coats and see people's souls.

I have to admit, I have cold eyes.There is a pair of cold eyes that are still calm even in the frenzy.

I don't know how I can pursue something so stubbornly, how those things can make my eyes so far away.

I went to the library to read "Poetry Magazine", hid at home and wrote poems, modern poems, and also imitated the ancients to write verses and quatrains. , so that one day the Chinese teacher discovered it and said: "This can also be called poetry!"

I paint at home all day long, watercolor and gouache sketches are fine, and I also bought a book of Chinese ink painting, imitating "self-study", which is actually similar to ghost painting, but it can make myself happy.One day, the art teacher found out about it and asked me to show him all the paintings. He even praised me as the most diligent student he had ever seen, and my paintings were also very good.It's a pity that I didn't have art classes anymore since I was in the third year of junior high school, and I only cared about painting. At that time, no one would think that learning to paint could become an ideal.

I made a large list of famous books and went to the bookstore to look for them. After searching for several years, I couldn't find them, but I didn't know how to check them in the school library, and no one told me that they were there.Fortunately, the bookstore had a collection of famous foreign songs, and I bought them back to study by myself, and I really learned some, such as "The Blue Danube", "The Voice of Spring", "The Deep Ocean", "Katyusha"... I discovered Beethoven again "Pastoral" and Tchaikovsky's "Melody of the Soul"...they became the background music of my time at home.I also "composed music", using those few Arabic numerals to write musical notation.Since the third year of junior high school, there were no more music lessons, so I had to sing at home every day.Yes, singing revolutionary songs and Taiwan campus songs at school, foreign famous songs and popular songs from Hong Kong and Taiwan at home, most of them are love songs...

The externalization of fanaticism without complicity is surprisingly calm.Those crazy chases made me a lonely person when I was fourteen or fifteen years old.