Youth Notes

If the "love" I encountered in the past were all vague, misty, untouchable sensitivities, misunderstandings and imaginations, then what follows is clear and well-founded.

He told me first, told me: I like you.Then I started to cast those countless ambiguous eyes, clearer ambiguous eyes, every time I turned around, I would definitely meet that set of eyes, no matter where I was, as long as we appeared, I would meet that set of eyes.I believe that I respond to the same gaze, that I can see myself through my heart.Until we graduated from the third year of junior high school, until now, I can still remember that look, the look that made my heart move, fear and panic at that time.

His gaze lasted for more than a year, and then he made a move: asked me on a date.There are many letters, the last one is shockingly written: I have always wanted to tell you - I love you!

This letter completely wiped out our ambiguity.

At the same time, I met another gaze from him, at first he didn’t speak, only gaze, ambiguous gaze, more ambiguous gaze, burning ambiguous gaze, the gaze that made me want to find a place to hide, made me wish Find a wall of iron to hold it back from sight.This ambiguous gaze lasted for nearly three years, and he finally couldn't help using words.

Similarly, as soon as the words appear, the ambiguity disappears immediately.

There is also a particularly ambiguous look, from the elders.I saw warmth, encouragement and mystery there.Yes, it is an eternally mysterious gaze, a gaze that has no words, words, or actions.

I think, in many cases, is it because people only use ambiguous eyes and never use words, words and actions in order to obtain eternity?Isn't it that many times, people anxiously wait for the moment when their ambiguous eyes turn into words, words or actions, just to accept or reject?And we are animals that are eager to cut the mess quickly and look forward to eternity, so ambiguity will always exist in danger.

The derivation ability of ambiguity is too strong, resistance to ambiguity and greed for ambiguity should coexist in everyone's heart.

So, I often study people's eyes.God is bad, he put those two beads on people's faces, and the world has become complicated, subtle, mysterious and unfathomable since then.These two beads are his greatest reward and punishment to Adam and Eve.I felt that kind of reward and punishment, as if I drank the nectar rewarded by him in heaven, and then drank the poisonous wine soaked in poisonous feathers in hell.Before high school, I was only puzzled by it and attracted by it. After high school, I was soaked and consumed by it until it turned into nothingness.

Maybe it was because I had too much experience and thinking about those gazes at that time.I learned to avoid a certain kind of gaze, from the opposite sex.

As for the same sex, it is a sacred, warm and safe light.It's different for the opposite sex, and you can never get rid of the ambiguous relationship.That's how people looked at it and evaluated it that way.I thought so too.

The nature is different, and the quality of the gaze is also different.

When I first cut in, even with a casual glance, those eyes of the opposite sex seemed to have a different taste, there was "desire", there was a disturbing "desire".In my concept, eyes must first meet with pure "god" before there can be a blend of "god" and "desire".I have never been able to successfully obtain such a realm from the opposite sex, so I escaped from the world of ambiguous "desires" that disturbed me, and never moved to stay in a place that I thought was safe.

Unfortunately, some "desire" images related to those gazes are always encountered by me, or I can always notice them.

Since I was a child, I have seen too many little boys wearing crotch pants, jumping naked into the river or pond, and heard too many dirty or obscene words from the boys around me.Seeing the man who always likes to squat on the ground or on the bench to work and eat, clearly highlighting the bulging private parts, looking at the lunatic in the neighboring village who is said to be very knowledgeable and criticized for being stupid, he always stretches his hands Playing with the crotch with two big holes in it, he walked past our village with a smile on his face.We're surrounded by swearing about that part, and people relish the rape cases they despise and are most interested in, because that's the crime that's posted the most no matter where.What is even more unfortunate is that I witnessed the squinting man walking towards me on the street. He held his straight black buttocks and walked straight towards me.I witnessed a man playing with his private parts leisurely and openly in the park...

In that era, there seemed to be exhibitionism everywhere, and there were sex offenders everywhere, and everyone was swearing. I don't know if it was the ugliness of human nature or the result of excessive suppression of human nature.Back then, I didn't have the ability to discuss these issues, nor was I willing to discuss them, because they were dirty and sinful.I just have a natural distaste and disgust for male sex, it seems that it is the root of all evils in society.

Because I hate that "ugly thing", I avoid them.Accept them because they have no "uglies".

Me, is that so?

I avoid the eyes of the opposite sex because there are "desire" and "evil" there?Stay in the same-sex world because there is only "pure"?

Because of this kind of concept, I misunderstood those gazes, and my classmates felt imaginary and guilty, and the whole society was full of whimsy, gossip and tragedy?

Wouldn't it be different if homosexuality was valued and placed on the same footing as heterosexuality?

……

I still don't know.I only know that I pursue "sacredness" and "purity", which have nothing to do with ambiguity, "ambiguity" has nothing to do with same-sex, "ambiguity" between same-sex is called "spiritual connection", and if there is a heart-to-heart connection, it will be connected if you don't click.

This is the general view of society.

Later I learned that the eyes of the same sex are more ambiguous, which is the diffuse type of chronic ambiguity.