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Your black veiled clouds are the hearse of my dreams, and your flashes are the reaction of the hell my heart longs for!

----Charles-Pierre Baudelaire, "Flowers of Evil, Melancholy and Ideals, The Horror of Empathy"

Mo Yan: "What did you see? What did you dream about?"

Me: "It's not my fault!"

Mo Yan: "What did you see?!"

Me: "...death."

……

I had an argument with Mo Yan, it was midnight, gloomy and depressed, lightning cut through the awkward silence, illuminating the knife in my hand...

The thunder was rumbling and furious, and it sounded as if it was hundreds of miles away...

The muscle tissue that had just been cut hadn’t coagulated yet, and the blood flowed down the wrist bit by bit, along the phalanx. I lowered my head and looked at this flesh and blood body, and suddenly realized that the one I wanted to kill was actually not me. itself, but another chance for a living being...

Unless I'm banished, or I myself perish from some shock, it will never end--this nightmare!

Countless crimes and ugliness happened before my eyes, countless sufferings and resentments, countless deaths...

How did it become like this? !

I squatted down in pain, holding my head and groaning meaninglessly, I really wanted to end it, as if to destroy all these things, but I was powerless, at a loss...I am powerless!

Mo Yan's footsteps didn't go far away, he might even stand in the distance and didn't move at all. I couldn't hear anything other than the thunder that seemed to be far away and hazy, and the sound of rain patting on the window. the sound of.

What on earth is Mo Yan still doing here? !

Is it because I want to watch my borrowed body lose blood and die, where will I go?Or do you just want to be stubborn enough to get me out of this damn house? !

Yes, Chang Wei couldn't persuade me to go out, Zhao Boyang couldn't, Wen Tao couldn't, Xia Jun couldn't, and Mo Yan, as the only person who seemed to know, must have sensed the future changes, so he came, Infuriates me, stings where I least want to recall...

All fucking bastards!I'm an asshole too!

Thoughts eventually run dry.

After about an hour, I changed from squatting on the ground pretending to be an ostrich to "lying" on the ground. It can be said that if there is a crack in the ground now, I would like to become a worm and get in. Hide yourself forever!I never want to touch and see those disgusting things again!

The truth is, I can't take it anymore, I feel shame, humiliation, guilt, powerlessness, anger and hatred!

From the moment I returned to the human world, I thought I could get rid of all these sufferings.But obviously, I still can't escape this due fate, even if I don't bear it, it will follow me everywhere.From the moment I sealed those abilities and memories, I should have known that I would be sad to wake up!

"Did you see it?! That girl!" I raised my head, pointed my finger in a void direction, and I didn't know who I was saying to someone: "She's only 15 years old! 15 years old! She was fucking... …quilt……"

"Also! Look! That man! Fuck! I can't do anything! I look, and I can't fucking do anything! Did I make it?! No! No! What the fuck am I Didn't do it either! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault..."

Yes, it was not caused by me, and it was not my fault. I should have no compassion in this regard, and I am not really sympathetic to them, but I know that the pain they endured will be felt in the future. In the days, every day, every minute and every second, I will also bear the same amount of pain and hatred, this is---my punishment.

My whole body seemed to be rotting, and maggots were growing and living in my body...

"Death, life. Life, death."  …

Should we repent?Ignorant beast/sex.

Should it be changed?Stupid human nature.

Should we weep?The reincarnation of retribution...

Just as I was sinking into the swamp of guilt and was about to be swallowed, a force suddenly pulled me up. I stood up with that force and looked up at the constantly rotating and twisting space. This is my living room. But what I saw was a mess, like an overturned paint tray, all the colors were confused and wrestled together.

"Stand up for me!" The master of that power roared, grabbing my shoulders fiercely, as if he wanted to tear me apart.

"...Hehe...hehe...he..." There was viciousness in my throat, and I released it, almost telling everything I saw about the person in front of me.

You are nothing more than that!Mo Yan, you are nothing more than that!I saw it! ! !

"Laugh! Still laughing! What else do you know besides laughing?!" Mo Yan seemed to feel more pressure than I did. At this moment, he was not angry, but equally nervous and at a loss.

For me, contact with the seal is nothing more than a self-detonation, but for him, it means that years of monitoring and control are meaningless, and, instead, a nuclear bomb is planted.

confusion.

It's all messed up.

I still laughed, but Mo Yan finally lost his expression. He looked at my exaggerated and contorted face, let go of the hand that was holding my shoulder in dejection, and then turned his back to me and sighed.

With the advent of "freedom", I let the body that was still meaningless to me fall down and hit the ground sullenly, looking up at the ceiling in a daze.

In the end, the person who cared more about whether a "nuclear/explosion/explosion" would happen broke the state of silence first.

"How much?" He actually asked me how much I woke up.

"One-third." I gave him a measure that modern people can understand better.

"What on earth are you?" He began to doubt, and I also suspected the same question, but I didn't know the answer myself, so I chose the most sensible silence is golden, now, if it's not important, I I don't want to say a word, and I don't have the energy to say it.

Refused to talk to the outside world, restless.

Typical mental disorder!I seem to be sick!sick?

Well, sick.

This "waking up" process itself is not normal.

Annoyed irritated irritated irritated irritated irritated...

Being manipulated by invisible emotions is nothing but a vulgar formula, nothing more than three thousand troubles turned into killing.

Crime and punishment, punishment and crime.

Heaven and man are at war, nations are fighting to kill each other...

War, disease, hunger, death...

A week later, ××× Cafe:

Keep silent, like a mute.

What is the dumb world like?I haven't experienced it, don't know, and don't want to experience it.But now I really did a "dumb".They didn't say anything when they were asked, which drove the three of them to go crazy one after another.

Someone harassed me persistently in my ear, and it simply changed from a loud voice to a roar, and from a roar to a scream that was sharper and harsher than a woman's scream, and I was irritated.

I'll just play my "dumb".Just treat yourself as a real dumb person, and then close your eyes. If you don’t see what you see, your heart will be quiet, and what you hear in your ears will be as if you can’t hear it...

It's fucking annoying!Mortals are annoying!

"Your cousin is dead."

Suddenly, Zhao Boyang, who had been sitting across from me reading a book without saying a word, spoke.This opening is bad news!That's pretty bad news, at least for me.

"What did you say?!" Opening my eyes, I sat up straight and looked at him.

"Look." Zhao Boyang ignored me, and directed at Wen Tao, Mo Yan, and Xia Jun, who were still determined to quarrel me to death, all spread their hands, indicating that their previous method of prying their mouths was wrong.

"You want to tell me, what's going on?" I simply stood up with my hands on the table and approached Zhao Boyang, who had a poker face, as if to ask clearly, is my cousin dead?How old is she?How did he die?

"Sit down first." Zhao Boyang was calm, waved his hands to let me not get too excited, and finally suppressed the other three who were still talking non-stop, and said: "Oh, I made a mistake just now, it was you My cousin's classmate died."

classmate? ! "Damn!" I simply looked down on the pseudo-scientific person opposite me in my own way, and prepared to continue pretending to be dead.

"But you are going to attend the funeral." The old god Zhao Boyang said responsibly.

"My cousin's classmate died, what does it have to do with me? What kind of funeral should I go to?"

"No, what I'm talking about is not asking you to attend your cousin's funeral. If you want to, you can go by the way." Zhao Boyang finally pulled his eyes back from the book, and looked at me with a serious face , said: "I mean, you may go to your grandfather's funeral, of course, if you don't want to go, I can call Uncle Yin back and say you won't go..."

"Uncle Yin" naturally refers to my uncle Yin Shaopeng, and I happen to be able to say that if I am instinctively afraid of anyone, it should be him. Who made me live in his house for a long time when I was young?

Eh, no!wait!

"My grandfather is dying?!"

"Yes, it's almost over, that's why Uncle Yin called me and asked you to go back." Zhao Boyang nodded. Although he still had a poker face, it was not difficult to see that he was deeply "deeply sad" about this matter.Unfortunately, I don't think I'm that emotional.On the contrary, my feelings towards the word death are very complicated, or, more often than not, I am used to arming my nerves with numbness.

People are mortal, even ghosts and gods have an end, death is too vague.

Speaking of this, I just remembered that I haven't turned on my mobile phone for a long time, and even the phone line at home was unplugged by me for the reason of "too noisy".It's no wonder that even the important news that Grandpa (this physical grandfather) is critically ill has not been known, and Zhao Boyang has to relay it...

however……

"I really don't want to go back." I said.

Ha ha.

Just kidding!

The last time because of Leng Suqian's going abroad, it is obvious to all that my little uncle and I had a fight, didn't Wen Tao and Zhao Boyang know about it?My little uncle who is the only one who respects me and "I am number one in the world" almost broke my leg in order to protect his "poor son who can't see the light"!Do I have to go back and look for abuse? !

"But don't you want to hear the will?"

As a little white flower who has been immersed in that indifferent world for a long time——Student Zhao Boyang seems to have developed a good immunity to my reaction, so when I expressed that I was not saddened by the impending death of a nominal relative, but tired After my words and deeds, he also learned to use my biggest weakness to stimulate me---greed.

It's a pity, this time his calculation was wrong. I am indeed greedy, but I am not greedy for everything. What's more, I have self-knowledge. Anyway, I have nothing to do with those little things!

"Don't listen, the old man won't mention me." I said, taking a sip of the coffee I haven't touched since I came here.cold...

"But they said, Leng Suqian is back, if you don't go..." Zhao Boyang didn't say any more, he helped the frame of the mirror that had slipped a bit, and tilted his head with an expression of wanting to watch me play.

I'm actually not unsurprised, it's impossible to say that I'm absolutely numb, otherwise I wouldn't toss myself into the ghost I am now, and I wouldn't be angry and irritable.

But the expression on my face must not be as dramatic as Zhao Boyang expected at the beginning...

"Why did you ask him to come back? Could Yin Xiaohong also participate?" I was actually puzzled by this point at first.

It stands to reason that Yin Xiaohong's life experience that his father said was "worse than Xiaobaicai" has never been made public. Even my little uncle's own daughter of his own wife, my cousin----Yin Mingming, has never made it public. Didn't know I had such a half-brother...

That is to say, in the same way, as an adopted son, specially adopted for Yin Xiaohong herself, my little cousin in name—Leng Suqian, has no reason to appear at the funeral of my grandfather.

So, why call him back?

It's only been less than three months. Could it be that these filthy old guys can't wait to break their promises?

"I don't know." I thought of many possible conspiracies, but Zhao Boyang's answer was very concise.

"Are you going back or not?" Zhao Boyang asked me.

"Go back, of course go back, I'm going to attend the funeral of my cutest cousin's...uh... classmate!" It was clearly a funeral, but my tone carried an unbelievable sense of joy even to myself, perhaps Perhaps the essence of death is happiness.

"As you please..." Shaking his head slightly, Zhao Boyang exchanged a look of inexplicable meaning with Wen Tao, who was sitting beside him quietly drinking coffee.

They... what kind of consensus did they reach?I felt a throbbing pain in my brain about this.

"Oh, by the way, what's the name of my cousin's classmate?" To attend someone's funeral, one must know the name of the deceased.

"Bai Siqi, the youngest daughter of the mayor of City J, died in a car accident three days ago at the age of 17." Zhao Boyang replied.

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