lonely patient

I've never done this for anyone.

The strong smell belonging to alpha filled my mouth, my cheeks were sour, my throat constricted unconsciously, and tears, like melted snow in early spring, soon wet my cheeks.

Although I feel uncomfortable, seeing Wen Luming's forbearing expression and hearing his deep sigh, I still think it's all worth it.

He clasped the back of my head with his hand, and slowly stroked my hair. In addition to the suppressed desire, there was also an imperceptible tenderness in his eyes.He struggled between rationality and instinct, but in the end he couldn't escape the alpha's nature, and his movements gradually became out of control.

"Yan Qiao..." he whispered.

The only answer to him was my sobs.

I let him own everything from me, and give him my dignity as well. As long as he wants, I can even turn into a kitten or puppy, put a collar on it and hand it to him.

But he didn't want to, he even restrained his tenderness towards me, as if he was afraid that a certain look or movement would misunderstand me, and he was still reluctant to give up on me.

Later, from the dining room to the bedroom, I was thrown on the soft big bed by Wen Luming. At the end of his line of sight, he unbuttoned him unhurriedly, and I was already disheveled, like a messy cloud on the dark sheets.

His shadow fell, his palms pushed away my clothes and pressed my waist.

I couldn't hold back a groan.

Wen Luming frowned, his gaze slowly moved down, and stopped at the place where his thumb was pressing. — there was a row of small tattoos, fresh red around the edges.

"...It was the day you said you loved me." I looked at him sadly in a low voice, "It was also the day you said you didn't want me."

Wen Luming finally showed a trace of emotion on his face. He gently touched the edge of the row of numbers with his thumb and asked, "Does it hurt?"

I shook my head, but couldn't hold back the tears.

The pain from the needle pricking my body was nothing compared to the thought of him saying he didn't want me.

From that day on, I often dreamed of the back of Wen Luming leaving, dreaming that he said "I can't hold on anymore", "Your business has nothing to do with me", "Too many people have touched you, I don't want it anymore"... …

Every time I would wake up from my sleep in a cold sweat, touch the cold bed beside me, and never feel sleepy again.

I reached out and grabbed the corner of his shirt and asked, "Can you... give me a hug?"

Perhaps because he couldn't bear it, he didn't refuse, and leaned over to hold me in his arms.I grabbed his back tightly, pressed my forehead against his chest, and murmured in a low voice: "What will happen before you can forgive me?"

Wen Luming didn't answer.

After a long time, he asked in a low voice, "Do you think you are already sad?"

I don't understand what he means.

"With you, I never had a really easy moment." He looked down at me with a bitter smile on his lips, "I know you will leave, but I don't know when you will leave, so every day is happy Worry about gains and losses. Even if I hug you, kiss you, and possess you, I can't help but wonder if you will get tired of me the next moment."

He spoke very slowly, every word pierced into my heart like a sharp blade, and blood dripped out when it was pulled out.

"It's not that I don't forgive you, it's that I can no longer bear myself like this."

At this moment, I finally understood why he said he couldn't hold on, and why he said he wouldn't allow himself to turn back.

With me, instead of becoming a better person, he became depressed, suspicious, and belittling himself.

He's been taken, consumed, and it's all my fault.

"I'm sorry..." I hugged him, and finally couldn't help but burst into tears, "I don't know...I'm sorry..."

"Yan Qiao," Wen Luming put his palm on my back and patted me comfortingly, "Don't cry."

I couldn't control my sadness, the pain and regret turned into tears, "I'm sorry, I was wrong... I'm sorry..."

Why didn't I find that he loved me so hard before.

Why do I selfishly take his kindness to me for granted.

"It's over. I don't blame you," he said.

"No, there is no past..." I cried so hard that I just kept shaking my head, "No..."

It turns out that life and death can crush people just as much as death.I was defeated in Wen Luming's arms, and at a certain moment, I even thought that it would be fine if I didn't know him, and it would be fine if we weren't together... Is it possible that as long as I haven't started, I won't be in such pain as I am now, and neither will he? Because I let myself loathe myself.

Why do people meet each other, and why do they love each other?

"Yan Qiao," Wen Luming patted my back, helping me to calm down, "Okay, don't cry."

I curled up in his arms, clutching his shirt, not feeling at all calm because of his comfort, but my tears became more and more out of control.

At the end of the cry, my ears buzzed one after another, and only the thought of apologizing remained in my mind, and I unconsciously repeated the three words I'm sorry.

Wen Luming probably didn't think that I would collapse like this, and there was a little distress in his eyes, and he said in a low voice: "Okay, don't apologize anymore..."

People always have the instinct to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, and the pain is extreme. I think, why not just forget it...

Now that he has decided to let go, I should also bid farewell decently, let him get back on track, and give myself peace.

But why, just thinking about the possibility of never being able to embrace again makes my breathing and heartbeat painful.

I can not do it……

I can't just taste it like before, and then withdraw in time, and I can't just watch him leave me, and then wish him happiness in the future.

I can not do it.

"Wen Luming..." I slowly let go of his front, and asked with a sob: "We, can we, start over?"

He looked down at me, his eyes were obviously shaken, but the last thing he said was still rejection: "I can't go back."

I can't go back... I broke away from his embrace, retreated to the head of the bed, and curled up tightly, as if this could offset the sharp pain, "I can't go back..."

"Why do you say you love me?"

"I'm in so much pain, Wen Luming...why do you say you love me..."

I buried my face between my knees and gritted my teeth to keep myself from crying.

Wen Luming's hand rested on top of my hair, as if about to drop it, but hesitated for a long time.

"Yan Qiao, don't do this." He frowned and said.

One second before my fingertips touched the hair, I resisted and said, "Don't touch me."

"...Please don't touch me." I can no longer bear any touch from him, it will make me shatter in the air like a withered and dried flower.

He slowly withdrew his hand and said, "Sorry."

"I'm fine, don't worry about me..."

I was trembling all over, and my voice was out of tune. "I'm fine..."

Once again I screwed up a good night.Everything I have carefully prepared, the gentle lighting, the lingering fragrance, and myself have all become inappropriate jokes at this moment.

No one wants to expose their ugliness and unbearableness in front of their lover. It is all my self-esteem and pride that fell into the dust tonight.

Wen Luming left, saving the last bit of dignity for me.

The sky lighted up outside the window, and facing the empty and cold room, I asked myself, do I still have the courage to continue chasing at this point?

I do not know.