lonely patient

My first reaction was to ask Luna to investigate. As long as the hospital is still there, the people present at the time are still there, and Wen Luming is still there, they can always find something.

But after thinking about it, Wen Luming and I have reached this point, and we can no longer stand any deception and misunderstanding. Rather than speculating secretly, maybe I should ask him directly.

But how can I speak?

These years, I avoided mentioning Xu Yang's name, avoiding contact with people and things related to him, and avoidance seems to have become a kind of physical instinct. Up to now, I can't tell whether I can't forget him, or I can't let myself go.

I clutched my phone, unable to calm down for a long time.

As if sensing something, the screen suddenly lit up, and Wen Luming's name appeared on it.This is the first time he took the initiative to contact me in this period of time. I shook my hand and pressed the answer button before I was ready.

"Hey……?"

"Yan Qiao." A familiar voice came from over there, followed by a long silence.

I also did not speak.After a long time, Wen Luming asked, "Are you in the hospital?"

I nodded and hummed, then remembered that he couldn't see the nod, and said, "I'm here."

"Do you... have something to say to me?" After thinking about it, I asked.

I hope Wen Luming can give me an explanation, for example, he doesn't know Xu Yang, he just went to pay his respects out of gratitude, and he doesn't know me either, the meeting on campus last year was our first meeting. ——If he said so, I would definitely choose to believe him.

But he said, "Before that, I have a question for you."

I inexplicably had an ominous premonition and said, "You say it."

As if it was difficult to say the next words, he was quiet for a long time, and there was a calmness in his voice: "Yan Qiao, the reason why you are with me is because I have the same pheromone as Xu Yang, right?"

The word "Xu Yang" from Wen Luming's mouth felt unreal. I was stunned for a moment, forgetting what I was going to say.

"...Why do you think so?" Misunderstood by him again, I was deeply tired besides being wronged and puzzled, "Whether I like you or not has never been about pheromones. Wen Luming, In your heart, how unbearable am I?"

It turns out that not only Yan Song thinks that I regard Wen Luming as Xu Yang's substitute, but even Wen Luming himself thinks so.

I still remember how ridiculous I felt when I heard Yan Song say that for the first time, but I didn't expect that in Wen Luming's mind, I could really be such a jerk.

So why did he like me when I was so bad?

Wen Luming didn't answer my rhetorical question. After a while, he said softly, "I've never been your type, and I'm even an alpha. I can't think of any other reason besides pheromones."

No one can accept being doubted and misunderstood over and over again. At this moment, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I laughed at myself and my tone became cold: "Can't it be because I like you? Wenlu Ming, I'm an ordinary beta. Those pheromones of yours are just a smell to me. I let myself lie down and suffer for a smell that a perfumer can reproduce millions of times. Fuck, am I that cheap?"

Growing up, I never said such a nasty thing to anyone.The first time I said it, it turned out to be scolding myself.

Thinking of this, I felt more and more ridiculous, shook my head and said, "Sometimes I wonder if you really loved me."

There was a long silence over there, and he said in a low voice: "I loved it."

"Really..." I had a smile on the corner of my mouth, but a tear rolled out of my eye socket, "I don't seem to believe it anymore."

"Yan Qiao..." Wen Luming hesitated to speak.

"What are you going to tell me, tell me." I didn't let my emotions out for a long time, and asked calmly instead.

Although I can't see Wen Luming's appearance, I can feel that his mood is not much better than mine. "Would you like to meet?" he asked.

"Well, good." I leaned my head back on the seat, "I'll wait for you in the hospital parking lot."

While waiting, I smoked one cigarette after another like a sick man. The half-pack of cigarettes that hadn’t been touched in the car for more than a month quickly drained away. I got false comfort from nicotine and paralyzed myself. So care about Wen Luming's words.

After calming down, I thought, he must have been in pain during the time when he regarded himself as a substitute, perhaps a hundred times more painful than me now.

But I'm just not honest and brave enough, should I bear all these mistakes?

The car door was opened, and in the smog I saw Wen Luming frowning, and said almost habitually, "Why do you smoke so much?"

I smiled at him and said, "Sit."

Wen Luming got into the passenger driver and closed the door.I put out the cigarette in my hand, looked at the dark underground garage in front of me with a half smile, and said slowly: "I used to know a person, just like you, who went to bed early and woke up early, kept exercising, did not smoke or drink. Be self-disciplined Forget it, he forced me to be with him, every time I smoked in those years, he threatened me that I would get lung cancer.”

I spoke very slowly, turned my head to look at Wen Luming, and raised the corners of my lips unconsciously, "As a result, he was so cherishing his life that he died early in the end. So, how long a person can live depends on fate, so don't worry about me gone."

"Yan Qiao." Wen Luming frowned even tighter.

"Actually, apart from pheromones, you and him have many similarities." I looked at him, and suddenly felt that some words were not difficult to say, "But I have never, never, never regarded you as many Yang."

"It's my fault for making you misunderstand, and it's also my fault for not telling you if I like you." I can't count how many times I apologized these days, "I'm sorry."

Wen Luming looked at me with deep eyes.After a long time, he said softly, "The first time I saw you was much earlier than you thought."

"It wasn't at the school last year, nor was it at the hospital six years ago, but that doesn't matter anymore. I occasionally thought of you when I was studying abroad, and I thought, what a 20-year-old Yan Qiao will look like, and she will be even more dazzling ?"

He hasn't talked to me so peacefully for a long time, and his tone can even be called gentle.

"I did research with an old professor in the first year back in China. I saw you occasionally in school. You were full of other people and never paid attention to me. At that time, I thought it would be good to look at you from a distance. .”

Speaking of the distant past, Wen Luming's eyes showed a moment of nostalgia.I was stunned and couldn't believe he liked me for so long.

"Speaking of which, Xu Yang and I know each other well." He changed the subject, showing a slight smile, "His graduate advisor is a student of that old professor. We had dinner together. He has a very good personality, gentle and kind. Patience, I can expect him to be a good doctor."

After many years, someone mentioned Xu Yang back then to me again, and it turned out to be such a scene.

Wen Luming looked at me, with a hint of sadness in his eyes, "But I didn't expect that to happen...nor did I expect that it happened to be the last operation for my grandfather before he retired."

"I'm sorry," he said.

My heart was sore and numb, like a boulder was blocked, I shook my head numbly and said, "No need to apologize...this is his own choice..."

"No..." Wen Luming interrupted me softly, "He had a chance to survive."

I have never seen Wen Luming like this. Pain, regret, guilt, and suffering are intertwined in his eyes, and even his voice became low, "Xu Yang is a rare panda blood. Coincidentally, there was another panda who was also a panda that day." Blood from pregnant women with dystocia and hemorrhage, all blood sources available in the city, including hospitals, were sent to the obstetrics department.”

"... That pregnant woman is my mother's patient. My mother insisted on waiting until the pregnant woman is out of danger before letting the surgeon take the backup blood source, so Xu Yang missed the best time to rescue her."

Wen Luming seemed to feel ridiculed, showing an imperceptible sneer, shook his head and said: "All this seems to have nothing to do with me, but all the coincidences are in front of me, I even...witnessed Xu Yang's death, I want to How do you pretend it has nothing to do with me?"

"The most despicable thing is that all these years after he left, I still covet what belongs to him."

Wen Luming looked at me and asked word by word: "Up to now, Yan Qiao, do you still want to be with me?"

"I don't know..." My mind went blank, no resentment, no anger, not even pain, "I don't know...why didn't you tell me?"

I think of that day, Xu Yang's soft hair, closed eyes, pale lips, and white coat stained red with blood.

He didn't wait for my last side until he died.

The belated collapse crushed me silently, I stared straight at Wen Luming, almost biting my lips to bleed, "Why didn't you tell me..."

"Yan Qiao..." His eyes were painful, as if he wanted to touch my cheek, "Don't do that."

"Don't touch me!" I opened his hand, "You know everything from beginning to end... Is it fun to play with me, is it fun to see me fall in love with you and then abandon me?"

Wen Luming shook his head, "I never thought of hurting you."

Didn't mean to hurt me, but made me so sad.

What would he think in his heart when he looked at me during the painful and depressed years of losing my lover?Will she pity me, or feel guilty for me because of Xu Yang?

How can I be sure that he treats me well because of liking and love, not because of sympathy and compensation?

"Don't talk about it anymore." I showed a bleak smile, laughing at him for being able to do a job with ease, and laughing at myself for doing it myself.

"The murderer has already been sentenced to death. Apart from that, Xu Yang didn't blame anyone, and neither did I. As for you..." I tightened my throat and said with a sob, "If I can't catch up with you, I'll be sorry. We ,So be it."

I don't want anyone's guilt or pity.

I finally said give up.

I used to think that Wen Luming was a beam of light, a rain, the only blazing heat I could embrace in the long loneliness.But when I got really close to him, I realized that his temperature would hurt me.

Turns out I'm not a plant that needs light.I am a snowman who dissipates when encountering light.