fall in love by chance

S02. Dead knot

After returning from Yanlu Mountain, Zhou Yan is still not sure whether he has fallen in love with Liang Ruixi.

He feels that he just puts the other person in a very important position in his heart, and he wants to be the first to search for the other person's figure in the crowd, waiting for him to pick his favorite snacks every night, looking forward to the sunshine and his smile every morning, When you see him, you will unconsciously follow the corners of your mouth...

He invited his roommates to visit Nanshi on May [-]st. When Liang Ruixi appeared in front of him without a single thing that night at the hotel, what he thought of was Liu Ling's willfulness of "taking the world as a building, and the room as a coat"; Unable to look away, what I rely on in my heart is the ancient Greek philosopher's appreciation of beautiful men.

He has impeccable justification for his special care, attachment and attention.

But after that, Liang Ruixi avoided him a little bit. Zhou Yan persuaded himself that the other party might be a little alienated because of the nervousness of the final exam.This faint anxiety lasted until the summer vacation of that year, when he got a singer's autograph through his mother's friend.

When I was in Nanshi for a few days, Liang Ruixi once joked that he liked that singer, and even blatantly said that if he didn't want to be a lawyer, he might be a star if he participated in a talent show.But he doesn't feel regretful, because he thinks that his favorite singer has fulfilled his dream of a grassroots counterattack in the entertainment industry for him-this statement is also very interesting to Zhou Yan: as long as someone similar to him can do it, it is equivalent to He did it.

The singer wrote a congratulatory message for Liang Ruixi according to Zhou Yan's request. Zhou Yan suppressed his excitement and sent him a message, asking, "What are you doing?"

He took a photo of the signature card with his mobile phone, and wanted to wait for Liang Ruixi to respond before sending it.

He fantasized about the surprised look of the other party after seeing this sentence, and even wondered whether to go to Changshui City to meet the other party on the grounds of "bring him the autograph card in person".

That was the first time they had been separated for such a long time since they knew each other. It had been almost a month, and Zhou Yan felt that she was thinking about him every day.

After waiting for 5 minutes, Liang Ruixi replied, but said: "My girlfriend and I are shopping."

It was that sentence, like a blow to the head, that awakened Zhou Yan from his dream.

He understood in an instant what happened to him. It turned out that those involuntary concerns, eyes that couldn't be moved away, and unintentional surges of emotion were all because of liking.Including this moment, the unbearable sourness after learning that the other party has found a new love is also because of liking.

But when Zhou Yan went back to when he started to like her, he found that the past is all traces.

From the moment they met each other, everything they did, every word they said, every quarrel and laughter became evidence that he liked him.

"Liang Ruixi" is like a slow poison, which has penetrated into the bone without knowing it.

Recalling Liang Ruixi's alienation before the holiday, Zhou Yan also understood the reason, and he suddenly felt fear.

But the inner world he reconstructed on Yanlu Mountain did not collapse, because the philosophy taught to him by Liang Ruixi was "everything is impermanent", "be at peace with the situation", and "nothing can be forced"...

And it is completely reasonable for Liang Ruixi to find a new girlfriend during the holiday.

On the one hand, Zhou Yan feels pain for the new epiphany, and on the other hand, he is obsessed with defending the philosophy he believes in.

That is Liang Ruixi who lived out the best appearance he imagined. Since he likes such a free person, he must respect the other person's nature and choice.

He also hates being arranged by his mother, pushing himself and others, let alone restraining the other party for his own selfish desires.

It is even better not to let the other party know about such feelings, because once it is said, maybe Liang Ruixi will consider the friendship between them and make changes for him, but the despicable nature and selfish possessiveness of human beings make it impossible for him to resist That temptation.

If that happens, he himself becomes a betrayer of principles.

When deciding to pretend to be a couple with Xiao Zhi, Xiao Zhi also asked him: "You never thought about whether he would like you one day, but you have a girlfriend, and he doesn't know that our relationship is fake. Maybe you're going to quit?"

At that time, Zhou Yan was still deeply in fear of Liang Ruixi alienating him, so he said "no" decisively, cutting off all his thoughts.

He has no intention of changing Liang Ruixi's nature, let alone dare to imagine such a possibility.Because once there is expectation, he will subconsciously hint and guide him. Even if Liang Ruixi may change, he doesn't want the hinter to be himself.

Xiao Zhi couldn't understand such emotions, but she could only respect Zhou Yan's decision and didn't persuade her any further.

Liang Ruixi asked him that night: "Am I your first love?"

In fact, Zhou Yan wants to say that I have never tasted the taste of first love, because from the moment I realized that I fell in love with you, I sentenced that love to life imprisonment.

He thought it was his original sin in the ideal world.

Selfish desires are endless and will never be released.

However, Zhou Yan never expected that this state would last for so long.

So much pain can only be borne by one person. When lovesickness becomes sick because of being unable to get close, when a person is crying and eating spicy hot pot with no image, lying on a bed full of jasmine smelling alone when……

But he persuaded himself that as long as there is a Liang Ruixi in this world, even if he can't have it for himself, it is enough to give him hope.

This belief supported Zhou Yan to watch Liang Ruixi break up with others several times, and supported him to survive those lonely springs, summers, autumns and winters. Over the years, until love and ideals became an inseparable knot in his body.

For six years, her good friend Xiao Zhi watched him sink deeper and deeper, unable to extricate himself, and watched him bear all this alone. Apart from making up some short stories about him and Liang Ruixi to make him drink poison to quench his thirst, there was nothing he could do to help him.It was not until the day when she announced the marriage news two months ago that she put forward the theory of "expecting the possibility" on the phone.

Because she knew that if Zhou Yan could not convince herself in principle, even if Liang Ruixi stood in front of him and said "I allow you to love me", he would not be moved by it.

Zhou Yan is such a person, he is obsessed with doing the right thing.

And for so many years, he has already gotten used to living in the cage he built for himself.

In fact, it's not that Zhou Yan didn't have the idea of ​​"prison break" when his endurance was exhausted by love and reality.

It was the time when Liang Ruixi's grandfather passed away two and a half years ago.But he also saw the result of the temptation, and since then he didn't dare to hope for it at all, and instead put a few more locks on himself outside the prison.

It wasn't until Xiao Zhi pointed out a direction in his dark emotional world that he vaguely saw a little light.

On the way to the hospital, Zhou Yan asked himself - if his liking for Liang Ruixi had become an instinct of the body, if his love for Liang Ruixi had become necessary for survival, then he would still be guilty of leading Liang Ruixi to be with him ?

When he saw Liang Ruixi lying on the hospital bed with a weak face, and when he learned that he was dumped by his girlfriend again, the desire that had been suppressed for many years burst out from the bottom of his heart, driving him to take her back... …

But Zhou Yan still didn't dare to have too much hope, just like he once said to Liang Ruixi, I just want to take good care of you and protect you as much as I can.

As for the rest, let nature take its course.

After all, it was still the Liang Ruixi he was familiar with. Even if he suffered a blow, as long as he was given a little rain and sunshine, he could regain his vitality.

Like wild grass, the spring breeze blows endlessly, and it grows again in summer when it rains.

It's like pushing open the door of "expecting the possibility" for the first time, looking at the smiling people on the stage, after many years, returning home is still a teenager.

Even if it is known that the other party has given up on the original dream and has done nothing for the rest of his life, it is also in line with common sense.

Because "inaction is a pleasure, but the vulgarity is a great pain."

If it weren't for the other party's sentence "I'm not ready", Zhou Yan still can't believe that his expectations have been answered.

That night, Liang Ruixi's hand inserted into his quilt seemed to have opened thousands of shackles outside his prison door.

He heard him pleading in the dark: "Can you take care of me in the future?"

When they interlocked their fingers tightly, Zhou Yan closed his eyes and lamented in his heart: Fool, you let me go with your own hands.

Looking at the silver grass in front of him again, Zhou Yan picked up the paper scissors on the desk and patiently cut off some overlong leaves.

Even ordinary office plants, if not pruned, may grow wantonly and lose their bright colors.

Since he was asked to take care of it, he would not allow the other party to be that wanton weed again.

He hinted at him calmly, took him to meet the person he admired back then, and worked hard to plan the other person into his future life.

He never told Liang Ruixi that when he established the law firm, he just wanted to create an ideal world for him and pave a way for him to retreat.If Liang Ruixi recalled his original intention one day, and came up with the idea of ​​becoming a lawyer, he would be able to reach out to the other party with confidence: "Come on."

Instead of the inappropriate phrase "I can..." under the sound of pouring rain in the early spring two years ago

But all this is still faster than Zhou Yan expected.

He put down the scissors and stood up, turned his back, and looked at the tall buildings outside the French windows.

From the concept of "expecting the possibility" took root in his mind, Zhou Yan felt that his life was like a train that had been running on the established track for many years and was accidentally replaced by a new front, which pulled him directly onto the expressway. , and flew swiftly in an unexpected direction.

A month ago in Xiaomanri, Liang Ruixi decided to take the exam again. That night when he asked himself "Can I try it?", there was the light in his eyes that he had seen a long time ago, which made Zhou Yan's heart skip a beat.

He grabbed his hand and blurted out on impulse: "Liang Ruixi, can I kiss you?"

That was their first real kiss, and it was also a kiss that Zhou Yanxiao had been thinking about for many years.

He restrained himself, not daring to respond too violently, for fear of scaring the other party, Liang Ruixi did not resist, as if he had adapted well.Although the guy was so ashamed that he hid from him for another week, but Zhou Yan seemed to be used to it, and felt that Liang Ruixi didn't look like a straight man if he didn't hide.

Only this time, Zhou Yan will not give him another chance to escape.

A week later, he went to pick Liang Ruixi home, and that night he offered to invite Yadong and Hanlin to dinner.In front of outsiders, he tentatively asked Liang Ruixi to answer their relationship, but Liang Ruixi actually admitted it himself.

……

For half a month, Zhou Yan was still in a daze as to whether Liang Ruixi was really with him.

Maybe happiness came too fast, but it made him feel unreal.I'm afraid this is just a dream, and once he wakes up, he will be sent back to the eternal death row in an instant just like the summer vacation six years ago...