winter suicide plan

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*2016.11.282°Cold weather*

Today is the 1027th day of my crush on Chen Shuning

He is sleeping on the hospital bed now, very quiet, compared to just now, it is too quiet.

I didn't expect him to plan ahead, two days in advance, like a sudden idea.

What he said after the dinner party made me hold my breath, I couldn't go up, I couldn't go down, my mind went crazy thinking about him, my heart didn't stop beating for a moment, like electronic music kept beating and beating.

It was because he used his cigarette fire to light my cigarette, and he was so close that I could clearly see his curly eyelashes, some sharp corners of his eyes, eyes full of bloodshot eyes from not sleeping well, and his eyes were not focused .

Hot breath on my nostrils, alcohol cigarettes, two of the most enjoyable things, neither attracted me.The only thing that attracts me is Chen Shuning, the world presses the pause button, the winter wind, the drizzle of melting snow, and the moon, delete them all.

I was stagnant, caught by him breathing rhythm, at that moment I didn't want to leave, as if I was waiting for a long time, I was always a person outside the frame, suddenly, I entered the painting.

The mind is crazy like weeds grow wildly, the wild fire is endless, and the spring breeze blows again, the wild fire is Chen Shuning, and the spring breeze is also Chen Shuning.

Then we all agreed without saying anything.I sang to him the lyrics that I knew so well, but he couldn't hear them either. It came out so ambiguous and was hidden in my heart, so I could only chew and savor it by myself.He made me work hard, he said he likes quiet girls with long hair.

He used to like girls. It turned out that any girl who came out of the restaurant casually would have an advantage over me. I didn't even have the right to be selected. In an instant, I was pushed out of the frame and stood in front of the tape marked "No Approaching" There is no chance.

Doesn't it hurt?It hurts.

The pain was so painful that I couldn’t breathe out. Listening to what he said, he stabbed me with a knife in his own hand, which made me bloody, and I had to smear lemon juice on the wound. The soreness and dense pain came one after another. I pretended He smiled and said, let me introduce you.

He said that he delayed others, didn't think about the future, and didn't even go to the internship opportunity.He made it clear that he didn't want to stay alive, and I felt like he was sending me a distress call.I am uneasy, where are the bridge and the river?

I saw that Chen Shuning didn't go with us, I got out of the taxi, and I followed carefully, he swayed from side to side on his bicycle, he was drunk.

He couldn't even hear me riding a bicycle behind him, as if he was the only one left in the world.

Here I remembered, I have been here before, and it is also the place where Chen Shuning comes most often. When he came, he would stand on the bridge and smoke a cigarette. Walk.

I didn't see him then, and now I do.

The crude bridge is short and worn out, surrounded by vegetable fields, and all kinds of plastic bags and beverage bottles on the road were run over by my tires.

I heard the sound of falling into the water violently, and Chen Shuning disappeared before my eyes.

I threw away the car, I saw the ripples in the river, Chen Shuning's head up and down, in this dark river, like those plastic bags in the river, small and hard to find.My mind was blank, my body started to act on its own initiative, I climbed down the stairs from the vegetable field, took off the clothes on my body, and tied them down.

I held my breath and carried his hips up in the biting river, his bangs covering his eyes floated in front of my eyes, I tore off the plastic bag wrapped around him, his face was lifeless, and bubbles kept coming out of his mouth.

I dragged him ashore and began to give him artificial respiration while suppressing my fear. I had obviously learned many times, and I panicked. I had never been so weak and panicked.

Incomparable fear swirls in my head and I don't want to go through it.

Chen Shuning's face was half washed off by someone, and he was pale and blue. I dug out the filth in his mouth, pressed it again and again, I called his name, mixed with saliva, snot, and tears. I don't know what I can do other than this. What.

I shouted his name with all my strength, I hope he can hear it, I hope he can hear it, someone has noticed him, someone has received the signal that he wants to commit suicide, can you hold on a little longer.My lips trembled unconsciously, whether it was because of the cold or because of Chen Shuning.

My hands were sore and swollen when I pressed it, and I didn't dare to stop.

His chest rises and falls when I blow. I blow twice and start to press again. He seems to be vomiting. Nose blocked.He spat out water, mixed with blood.I called 120 with shaking hands, and I kissed his lips again. The strong smell of metallic blood stimulated my nerves, and I mechanically repeated artificial respiration and chest compressions.

The ambulance came, I was pulled away, he was carried away, and I was pulled into the ambulance.

In the ambulance, I watched him, and was shocked by the defibrillator in the doctor's chest, and bounced up suddenly. My eyes were dazzled, and it was the first time that I was so close to death.

Scared, don't die, it keeps spinning in my head.I can't do anything, I'm not the golden finger in the novel, I can't save him, I can only rely on the doctor.

I felt so useless for the first time, but I didn't want to admit it.

I think I can save him.

When he was pushed into the operating room, then to the ICU ward, and finally to the general ward, I was shivering from the cold, and my lips were purple from the cold of the river. Only when the doctor asked me to drink some hot water did I notice my trembling. Hands, looking at his gauze-wrapped arms, pale lips, gray face.

With scars all over my body and my breathing rising and falling chest, I landed on the ground.Am I happy?Glad I followed, glad I understood what he said, glad I picked up his plan booklet?

When he woke up, he saw me in the infirmary last time, and his resistance reaction was more intense. There was blood all over the floor, everywhere. My heart was pinched by Chen Shuning, and my heart hurt so badly. Same.

Am I making him uncomfortable?

But I picked up his brochure, that's fate, I don't care, no matter what, I don't want to let him go.

I'm very selfish, no matter whether he likes me or not, I hope Chen Shuning can live and live in front of my eyes, even if he lives in such pain... I can't just watch him die.

It is too painful for those who stay in place.

Chen Shuning, can you fucking live!It's not your style to say die or die!

I beg you...Chen Shuning...

I hesitated to call his doctor in charge and asked what to do about the situation. The doctor told me to take him to the hospital. Now his behavior is very dangerous. There is danger.

But I don't want, I don't want Chen Shuning to be admitted to the hospital, in the dark, without company, fighting this painful situation alone, I don't want to.

So selfish.

I hung up the phone and looked at him who had been sedated and calmed down. I clasped his re-inserted hand and kissed his hand reverently. There was a smell of medicine and bitterness in my mouth.I had to make an inch to let his hand stick to my face, and the warm liquid flowed out to the corner of my mouth, salty and bitter, as if a piece of my heart had been gouged out.

I looked at him quietly breathing and said in a low voice, Chen Shuning, you are not allowed to go anywhere, just follow me, okay?I'm not going anywhere, I'll always be with you, okay?

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Tang Fengxing's Diary Perspective