winter suicide plan

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There was a silvery white light in front of my eyes, quiet and lonely, my lungs were scorching hot, and the tearing pain disappeared.I saw it, saw a lot of pictures, it turned out that there was really a revolving door when I died, and countless faces passed by me, familiar, unfamiliar, Zhou Ming, Zhao Jun, Tang Fengxing... The faces and faces in the bar just now looked like It was turned by the washing machine and disappeared completely.

Those are untouchable faces full of dark corners.

A face stopped in front of me, and my heart was stinging and convulsed after being slammed.His brows and eyes are soft with a halo, somewhat similar to mine, but her long black hair always makes my face itchy when she hugs me to sleep, and there is a stitched scar on her forehead .

She smiled at me and called me Ningning, I haven't seen her for a long time, I want to reach out and touch her.There were tears in her eyes, swollen bags under her eyes, and bloodshot eyes. She hugged me and said, Ningning, sleep well.

I felt the warmth, and I closed my eyes with peace of mind.

I grabbed her hand, wanting her to take me to her world.

All of a sudden, a strange voice broke the hand I was holding with her, I was shouting silently, the voice tugged at me, his loud and huge explosion-like voice shouted: "Chen Shuning! Chen Shuning! Chen Shuning! You fucking don't die ! Chen Shuning, look at me, look at me."

In an instant, I was put back into the box, and my soul returned to my body.The cold swept over me, the sharp tinnitus drilled into my brain, the pain in my whole body was torn apart, the flesh was picked out, the lungs were burned, the mouth and nose were choked, the eyes were dark and dull, and they were covered by gauze. The face was shining brightly, and the silver earrings dangled in front of my eyes, with water droplets, shining brightly.

The cold and moist lips covered my lips, blowing hot air in, and the warm liquid dripped on my nose, falling more and more, forming a huge contrast with the cold me, my chest was constantly being pressed, I I felt the turbulent surge in my chest, rushing out.

I was opened by him, and he shouted loudly in my ear, but I felt that he was calling my name in the wilderness far away, with all his strength, I could only hear the slight sound.But it hit my weak heartbeat one after another, as if my ribs were about to be broken by him, and the corners of my mouth followed his pressing action, and a little bit of body temperature liquid flowed out.

My legs and feet flustered, the blue-red light flashed like the flashes of broken glass, the resounding screams, the rubber gloves digging in my mouth, I kept spitting out warm liquid, in this remote and uninhabited place. The river is very lively, I have never felt that the countless lights flashing in front of my eyes are no longer darkness.

Everything is silent again.

I was pressed to the bottom of the water again by a huge hand. The thick darkness and the fearful loneliness occupied my head. I seemed to exist in the deep sea. Countless fish corpses were pressed on my body, one on top of the other. , blood, bloody smell, grabbing my hands and feet a little bit, I shouted, but still like all dreams, I couldn't hear it, it was useless.

The last whale carcass landed on me suddenly, reality and dream were intertwined and overlapped, my chest felt tight, and I was suffocated for breathing.

I woke up.

I think of a dying fish, gulping air.

The unstoppable humming in the air while the ears were plugged, and the sharpness of sawdust provoked my nerves.My hand was caught and clasped very tightly. Tang Fengxing had wet hair and looked at me with surprise. His eyes were red and he was surrounded by a large white towel.He hugged me tightly, wanting me to sink into his arms and become one with him.The rest of my life is not me, it is him.

I was unable to push him away, the unstoppable pain in my heart and the pain in my whole body seemed to be drifting in front of my eyes, as if I was still in a dream.

With my remaining strength, I shouted: "Get out!"

There was not much sound in shouting at all, and every vibration in the chest made it hurt.

Tang Fengxing made a hoarse voice, and I wanted to shout again, the walls were covered in white flowers, and the familiar smell of alcohol kept reviving my consciousness, I knew I was not dead.

I am not dead, why save me!

Why did this kind of suicide plan that was about to succeed fail? I have already passed the most painful time, but it dragged me back to this hell.

Why can't you let me go, let it go.

I didn't have the energy to wave it, I could only unilaterally let go of my anger, and what went down was only mourning, and I was powerless to lie on the hospital bed and cry.

too painful.

I've started talking to myself, I want to die, I don't want to be here, I'm miserable.Speech is incoherent.

Tang Fengxing, who was standing next to me and watched my illness, was indifferent, and said in a calm voice, no.I started to use my injured hand to pull away the injection needle on my right hand, and the blood flowed in streams. I saw his panic and pushed him away who stopped him. He forcibly grabbed my arm and rang the bell. It dripped on the floor, stained his clothes, my clothes, stained his hands, and the blood on the floor was rubbed away by his feet, leaving horrific black and red marks that dried up one by one. On it, it shows my loss of control.

I'm still struggling, like a machine controlled by emotions, I don't know the pain.

There is only one purpose in my heart, and Tang Fengxing obviously knows it.

There was a lot of noise, and many people in white coats held me down, except for Tang Fengxing. I shouted sharply. I don’t know what I was shouting. I was like a fish bouncing on a chopping board. I couldn’t control it. .I have lost the control end of my mind, and anger occupies my mind. In order to release the unbearable helplessness, fear, anxiety, panic, and anger in my heart.

After my arm was pricked with needles, their white coats were stained with blood from the back of my hand.

Fatigue overwhelmed me, and I was dizzy when I was hit by a blow. I became quiet, and the fire was instantly extinguished by water. Everyone backed away. Finally, I saw Tang Fengxing standing next to me, covering his eyes, constantly Wipe your eyes with your hands.

My chest heaved, and as I fell asleep, all I could think was, he shouldn't be here seeing me like this.And then there was the deep realization that I was crazy.Totally crazy.

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Chen Shuning's perspective